She exposed herself again to parents this weekend when he asked for his phone back. Seems they were "disappointed in her" according to what she said. She also told me they wanted to talk about it, but she didn't. I am wondering if they started to come down on her. I am carriing FIL's cell back to him today and will use this as a chance to expose myself.

Of course she could have done the "it's not a big deal" thing to her parents. What kills me is it is ok for her parents to help deceive me about the secret cell phone, but not ok for her in their mind to call OM. I guess it is all real confusing to me.

I have done no exposure on the OM's side yet. I tried but had a wrong phone number and have to do a little more research to get the right number of OM's dad.

That is the update on exposure anyway. Still no word on my letter to SIL. No one has said a thing.

Thanks for asking.

WOL, I have a hard time believing she really exposed herself to her parents. I suspect she said this in order to wave you off from doing it. And if she did do it, as she says, it shouldn't hurt anything if you bring it to your FIL when you return the phone and make sure he has the correct story. I would also consider telling your MIL too for that very reason. I just don't believe it.

I will. I am going by late tonight after my sons "birthday party" at the Japanese Resturant. I will be in a separate car from 2 DS's and WW as I am meeting them after work. I have been wanting to catch them both together.

I don't think they are coming to the party because my WW has not mentioned it. My mom, my brother and his wife, DS16 and his girlfriend, DS13 and my wife. I guess she did not want the stress of me and the IL's talking.

I suspect she doesn't want you talking to them at all because she has lied to them about this. I felt there was some ulterior motive driving her to keep you seperated.

Could be. I will find out tonight God willing. She really wanted me to give her the cell phone to return. That could be the reason why. She also could have sugar coated it. Kinda owned up to it, but downplayed its importance.

She does that to me. "Our issue is not about someone else. It has been there for 21 yrs, blah, blah, blah "

oh brother. I suppose the affair is not an issue? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> translation: let's change the subject away from my affair.

Yep, I aggree.

Well the crap has hit the fan with the FIL. I was to carry his cell phone to my DS16 birthday party tonight and give it to him. Because we were going to be at the party I decided to write him a letter for both FIL and MIL,

Without notice he storms into my office and pretty much acts like a jerk and says he needs the cell phone back that he loaned my wife. I told him I knew that and was bringing it to him tonight, but I will go get it. I already had the letter printed and signed. He follows me out to the car. I handed him the letter and told him I was going to give them the letter tonight so he would understand why I had the cell phone.

He took the letter and the cell phone and went to his vehicle acting mad. He was parked outside my window and I could see him reading the letter. After he read it he walked back into my office and tossed the letter torn into about 12 pieces and said "that is what I think of your letter".

That was that.

Below is the letter I gave him. I ran it past my brother and former BIL and they both said it was a good letter and not harse at all.

----------------------

1/3/2006

Mr. And Mrs. IL',

I am glad you were able to come to DS16th dinner tonight. I know it was last minute but we waited because WW's asthma was acting up with this lasted cold she has. Last night was when we asked Josh about it and he said he would like to do it.

There is something I have wanted to talk to the 2 of you about and have just not done so. I just wanted to tell you in writing so there is no confusion about the purpose of what I am about to say.

I wanted to let you know why I had your cell phone. The week before Christmas I found out that WW was not being truthful about her commitment to remain in No Contact with OM. As you know, WW had an affair with him that started back in the summer. (WW tells me that she told you both about this). I discovered the affair and exposed it to her on 9/11/2005.

After the initial shock, she and I began counseling; both in person to a counselor in Roswell and on the phone with a professional that is world renowned from Marriage Builders located in Minnesota. While it has not been comfortable, I believe there has been some progress made to a point.

DS16 and DS13 want very badly for WW and I to not divorce. They both would be devastated. I do not want that either, but for us to be able to recover and begin a process of working on issues in our marriage her affair has to end.

WW was using your cell phone to not just call other people, but to contact OM also. She was asked repeatedly by me and also asked by our counselor was see speaking to him and she said no. After my discovery of her reconnection with him, she offered me your cell phone to keep. I did not want to give it to her to return because, quite frankly, I do not feel I can trust her to do so without contacting him again on it and I was hoping the 2 of us could come talk to both of you. I knew it would be awkward for me to return it without an explanation and I did not want to do so without WW.

Also, to make matters worse I found out that SIL has known about this relationship for some time and enabled it partly by calling him to warn him to not call when WW was in the hospital in HOMETOWN and as late as the week before Christmas joking about things about him with WW and their relationship. I am truly saddened by that and have written SIL a letter about this among some things I needed to ask for forgiveness on with SIL and her husband. I think SIL and I can move forward now.

I just hope that both of you will be supportive of DS16 and DS13's parents working things out. I love WW very much and do not want to see anything happen to our family. That is why I am willing to forgive her and move forward.

------------------------------

Thoughts on what to do next?

His was an irrational reaction to what was in the letter. Any chance taking a copy to your mother-in-law will have a more desirable effect on both your father-in-law and your wife?

Don't over react. So, he didn't like your letter and isn't willing to help you. There's nothing you can do to further influence him, it seems. Trying to distance your wife from her immediate family is unlikely to be very helpful at this point - nor is now the right time to get into a spitting match with them over who's right. You've all ready alluded to the fact that he might have beginning Alzheimers. Recognize battles you aren't going to win and conserve your energy.

You said your piece. He reacted. Manage your expectations (don't expect help from that quarter) but you're not going to teach him you're right today so don't let this be your hill to die on. You have other fish to fry.

Mys

Can your wife explain this strange reaction?

WOL, would it help if you had a family meeting to iron this out? Something just does not add up here.

Your FIL behavior is typical for early Alzheimer’s. Don’t know the medical term but I guess the layman term is somewhere between “loose screw” and “nuts”.

I think you should just accept that you will get little help from FIL and SIL. Possibly the only thing you can aim for is no interference or no enabling. About the only thing you can do is making your position clear to WW family and take your stance.

I would also talk to MIL. Especially as she is going with WW.

Longhorn, (sorry I have been away. DS16 birthday dinner)

It was irrational. I can't understand it but my brother said it best. He saw the torn up letter as he tossed it on my desk. is thicker than water and he says I shouldn't expect much more. I do believe one of 2 things has happened. Maybe 3.

1) Wife did not tell and he can't believe what I wrote
2) Wife did tell and played down the A and played up my shortcomings and being very bad and a strain on my wife.
3) 1 or 2 above combined with beginnings of Alsiemers.

Either way, he is of no help at all. I am trying to decide how to get a copy to MIL and have it mean something.

Thanks Mys,

I really did not expect much more than that. Well I did not count on him tearing up the letter. I will move on to other stuff now.

She is going to be mad at me because she said she was afraid that it would be too stressful on him medically. She might even say it was the beginnings of Alziemers.

That is about all I can do. I am just hoping to work on it.

Thanks

Last night was pretty enjoyable even though FIL was at son's party/dinner and acted like nothing happened 45 minutes earlier.

I don't think he told MIL about it because she wears her feelings on her sleeve and she would have shown something. She acted normal.

WW after we left was fine at home. We watched a little of the football game and went to bed.


When we woke this morning I let the puppy out and feed her. It was freezing cold and I crawled back into bed. I tried to snuggle somewhat mainly because I was cold and she really did not respond. Then she asked me a question. She asked my my thoughts on "do I expect her to just forget about what I said about the trip with her mother this weekend." I asked her what that question is about. The
Trip or Our Conversation that did not go well. She said it was not about the trip, but How we talked about it.

She said she just can't get over being forbidden from going to the mountains with her Mom. I told her that I did not forbid her. I wanted to discuss 2 things and granted I did not phrase them properly, but they were How she told me she was going rather than talking to me about it and also the fact that I do not feel safe in our marriage with her going because of the trust issue. We volleyed for a few minutes and it then the conversation died with me trying to explain what I meant to say but did not say properly as to LB.

When I left this morning she seemed fairly nice with no animosity.

I am still planning on backing off and following advice to not ask her about her feelings anymore and sort of pull away and see how that goes. I pulled away some yesterday except for this morning in bed. I will continue to be cordial and plan A but not really push for awhile.

Any thoughts on MIL and the letter I gave FIL. Do I sit tight for awhile or find a way to get letter to MIL.

Also, if I can't locate a good phone number for OM's Dad should I write him a letter. I do have his mailing address for sure?

Hi Waiting,

I just have 100 questions.

What does MIL and W do in the mountains?

Is that a trip they normally take together?

Is she taking the children?

Where do they stay...a hotel?...camper?...together?

Why am I getting "question marks" about it?

Lady

Don't know, they have never done this trip. One time they went to a womens conference, I think it was a Beth Moore type thing, but this trip doesn't mean anything. Her parents always "run away" from problems by going to a horse show, take a trip, buy something, etc... When things are going rough. The trip thing came up when she went to her parents house and her Dad asked about the cell phone. I am sure WW talked about how stressed she was, blah, blah, blah and her Mom's answer was, lets just get away for a weekend.


No they do not. A long time ago, about 10 yrs, MIL and my Mom and Wife and kids would go to the mountains on spring break together and just antique shops, piddle, relax. That has been a long long time ago.


Nope, I would be keeping them as usual. Like my brother said, she has been living like a single women going places for the last 4 years while I stay at home and take care of hauling the kids. Don't get me wrong, it was not every weeekend, but at least once a month for 3 or 4 days and sometimes longer. Like in August 10 days.


I guess it would be a hotel and together. I can tell you at horse shows, she (WW) likes to stay by herself in our camper or her own hotel room. Says her Dad snores really bad and is up all night to the bathroom and she can't get any rest. That is a true statement. But she usually stays alone, but I guess on this trip they would have stayed together.


I don't know, probably the same reason I do. I just don't feel comfortable with it. I am sure it was MIL's idea and my WW ran with it in her head. I am not 100% that she would try and meet OM there but in my mind, I can't help but think she would think about it.