mys, I have to disagree. I think the secrecy involved is contributing to the problem. His W is counting on keeping this affair secret, which is why she is so diligent about hiding the affair from her parents and misleading them about the problem. Her father, I believe, has been misled and his w is using them to facilitate her affair and her secrecy. Openess will resolve that problem, hopefully. At least it can facilitate a clearing of the air. Either way, he has nothing to lose at his point with his FIL. Nor has appeasement got him anywhere with his W. She is very afraid of exposure to her parents for a very good reason.

Should WOL worry that her decision to file “gives her permission” (in her fog-clogged mind) to contact OM? She is in withdrawal.

I guess most WS react harshly to exposure. Give it a few days to calm down but really really monitor your wife.

I'm just wondering what information the parents don't all ready have?

It seems as though they are all ready aware of the situation but they just have a different opinion about it than WOL wishes (and we wish) they would have. If it's sharing new information then it might benefit. If it's trying to change their minds then it is likely to be unsuccessful at this point.

Mys

mys, I don't think they are aware of the affair, which is why she is so scared of WOL contacting them. If she had been truthful with them, then there wouldn't be all this high drama to prevent this conversation. If they knew, it shouldn't make any difference.

Hrm. Maybe I'm confused somehow. In the letter that WOL gave to FIL was information about the affair:


We know FIL actually read the letter because he apparently called WOL's W about it. I suppose it's possible MIL doesn't know still but I doubt it. If WOL's W told the IL's that WOL was lying in the letter then him going over there to restate what's all ready been stated seems like it would be of limited benefit. It's going to be he said/she said and the chances are that the IL's will side with the W. Depending on what she's told them, it might make him appear to be a bit 'stalkerish' if they're convinced he's making all this up or something.

Given their reactions (extreme defensiveness) I'm wondering if he's not playing into a "My H has gone crazy - save me" scenario his W has cooked up. Another strong possibility (which I think is actually more likely) is that they just don't consider what WOL's W did was an affair since (as far as we know) it didn't become a PA. I'm not saying that it WASN'T an affair - just that people who don't frequent this board might not consider EA's to be affairs at all since they don't involve sex. It's one of those common misperceptions that exist out there. I don't think we can take for granted that everyone would consider an EA an affair.

I can imagine all kinds of scenarios in which WOL's W might be telling the 'truth' and even maybe all of it but telling it in such a way that it paints her in a sympathetic light. Take for instance.. she could describe this relationship in such a way that she 'stopped before it went too far' after she realized that the kissing was wrong but WOL insists on acting as though she'd slept with him and calls it an affair in order to control her and isolate her. To a concerned, outside observer (like a parent) his actions are going to be very consistent with her story. In that case (which I suspect is going on here) him going over there to expose her is just going to feed into their anxiety that he's somehow victimizing her.

I worry about that and that's why I'm advising some caution.

Mys

I know about the letter, but that doesn't mean he knows the truth. Remember, he tore it up and threw it back at him. I don't think he believes there is an affair, or has anything close to the correct story, which would explain his strong reaction to WOL's letter and WW"s strong aversion to having WOL talk to them.

If she had told them the truth, as she said, there would be no reason to threaten divorce for talking to them.

And that is exactly why it needs to be exposed and the true facts aired out. She is using them for cover and his exposure will put an end to that. WOL's silence only affirms whatever lies the WW told her father. And perhaps the IL's will rally around their D against WOL, when told the truth, but at least then he will know that is a choice based on the FACTS instead of spin fed to them by the WW.

Hi Waiting,

How are you doing? I'm sorry to hear the news of yesterday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Something went seriously wrong. Have you been able to talk to your wife since?

Lady

I am so sorry for being AWOL the last 24 hours. The last 24 hours have been pure h3ll. We all went to dinner, enjoyed the game all the while I was hoping she would call the atty's today and cancel the divorce papers. She said she was thinking about it. Went to bed, woke up this morning and she said she was going to go thru with it.

I took the kids to school and came back home. When I returned, I pleaded with her to try MB again. She said she has worked and worked and has nothing left to give. She says she wished I had made these changes years ago. I said me too, but we can both work on it. We both cried allot, I begged, pleaded, humiliated myself to her to persuade her to not do this. ( I know this was totally bad, but I could not help it. I was crushed, I am better now, but then crushed)

I asked her wouldn't it be great if I could be the kind of husband she has wanted. She said yes, but it is too late. She is going through with it. I then tried to appeal to logic, talking about the kids and what did she think was really going to happen. Did she want to be separated from the kids.? She said "no", Me separated from the kids? She said "no". Our home sold and split up, the kids uprooted, etc..... "She said "no".

No while crying. Several times she said she hated herself. She told me she felt that she was destined to be unhappy no matter what. She just wants the pain and emptiness to stop.

I told her I loved her no matter what and would not stop trying. I even told her I don't do divorce. I was not going to have an attorney go pickup the papers. She seemed surprised somewhat.

I really don't know where to go from here. I asked her what made her decide to do this and she said the straw that broke the camels back was the weekend trip with her Mom and how I handled that and the letter to her Dad because of his health.

I am at a loss. I had to do some of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I told my Brother and we talked. I had to call in all our employees by dept and tell them (our business is all like family). Lots of tears and shocked faces praying. In fact one employee told me that if there ever was a marriage that was solid he would have said it was ours.

I am just lost.

All of her 'reasons' are just pure BS...and I don't mean betrayed spouse.

It's straight fog babble.

Honestly...I'd tell her that point blank. You got upset because she agreed to go out of town, for a weekend, WITHOUT YOU, without even discussing it with you. NO normal marriage would tolerate this...no one involved in a healthy relationship could truly do this and expect her husband to NOT have issues with that. What she's asking is totally off the wall. If you had done this to her before the affair, she would have gone ballistic on you!!! So now she can't understand why you feel it's unfair? That's because she CHOOSES to 'not understand'!

She didn't like the letter to her dad?? Why not? Was there anything in it that was untrue? Did you lie to her father? Nope...you told him the TRUTH about her behavior...and THAT was what she didn't like. She wasn't grown up enough to face the consequences of HER bad decisions!

Ya know...at this point I'd seriously just tell her all of this point blank in the same way I said it to you. What have you got to lose? Seems to me that she NEEDS a dose of reality from somewhere. (BTW...my wife did a little of this to me too...and when I didn't let her sit there and throw her little tantrums like this she finally opened her eyes and realized what was going on.)

So you ask for reassurance she wasn't going to be seeing her partner in adultery and you exposed to her parents (as you told her you were going to) and these are the dealbusters? Isn't that a little strange?

I'm so sorry things have turned out this way, WOL, but you've done everything humanly possible to keep it from happening.

My ex mother-in-law told me something when I told her I was going to be divorcing her daughter. Her comment was, "I'm so sorry (Longhorn). You just can't love someone who doesn't want to be loved." I've remembered that all these years and have taken comfort from my ex-MIL's recognition I did everything I could. I offer it to you in the hope you'll realize you've done everything you could too. Sometimes the good guys have to get on with their lives and find someone who does want to be loved. My best wishes to you and your sons.

It ain't over yet...you know that. You did nothing, I repeat nothing wrong. If you did nothing, nothing would have changed. Try to look at the bright side...your relationship is coming to a crisis point and Wayward's react to only pain. Pain will be the motivating factor when your wife discovers you will not easily roll over and give up and give in to her fantasy of an easy-quickie divorce. If and when the court hearings happen...she will experience pain...as your lawyer and you necessarily expose the truth. She can no longer hide the secrets from her parents and the secrets will be exposed. She will have to process and separate her compartmentalized thinking and come to terms with reality. The reality that she is wrong and only by coming home and recommitting to her strong and able husband will she save herself.

Unfortunately, this is her choice and you have little to no control over it. Stick to your plan. The MB plan. One way or another...YOU WILL MAKE IT.

Prayers to you and your family.

Mr. Wondering

She will get reality tonight I geuss becauase we now have to tell our DS16 and DS13 which will be awful. I am going to try very hard not to cry and be strong for them. I totally was a whimp this morning begging and pleading like I did. I am not going there again. I feel no self respect for myself. Not that I am not sad, but that I did that and she still stomped on me. She says it is not about OM or anyone. I just can't believe that.

I just dread what the kids are going to say to her act toward her. It will be heartbreaking.

Be strong, WOL. Heck, get a little angry if that will help you maintain. God knows you're entitled.

I plan to do just that. Thanks for the encourageing (spelling you know? words Mr. W. You have been great. I have really learned a lot and gain confidence. Thanks so much for the prayers.

Oh yes, we had a "normal Norman Rockwell" night last night. All 4 of us went out to eat, came home, watched the whole game together, talked about the game, new puppy went to bed together. She even snuggled some, not much, this morning. We have talked to the point of exhaustion.

WOL, don't let her lie to the kids. All of these problems stem from her affair and those kids need to know that.

Aside from that, be assured that divorce and threats of divorce are pretty meaningless. It does not change anything. It does not mean that you should give up on your marriage. You need to move forward here and keep doing what you were doing.

The only difference is that you need to protect yourself financially and legally by contacting an attorney. Be prepared to counter with papers that outline her adultery.

And lastly, I hope she doesn't think that talk of or filing for divorce gives her a license to carry on her affair unimpeded in your home. I would make it clear that that cannot happen.

Yes it is Longhorn. Thanks so much for your thoughts you shared from your fMIL. She is right and I have done the best I could.

Hi Waiting,

I can't believe it!! I think she is just making exposure excuses. I do feel though it did have something to do with this weekend. I'm wondering if she has plans to meet OM at some point this weekend, and felt she should file before doing that, so that she could show him she filed.

And now that "almost" everything is out, I feel she has stayed in the other room do to her loyalty to OM. She may feel like she is cheating on him by staying in your bedroom with you. These are my suspicions do to her behaviors.

I know there is more Waiting, but we are going to wait and pray until you find out all.

I was reading in proverbs last night that a wayward wife is a narrow well. This could explain her feelings of emptiness.

May God help you through this terrible time Waiting.

Lady

Okay, I wonder if she is rethinking this through. Do you think she really filed? If she is snuggling and talking maybe she is not such a wayward wife at this time.

Lady

I don't want her to. I just don't know if I have it in me to hurt the kids by telling them what their Mom did if she doesn't tell them herself. Everybody other than here is saying don't tell the kids. I am so torn about that.

Also, it sickens me to have to think about an atty. I also cannot prove adultry. She has not owned up to sex, says it never happened. How can I say that.

She is no way I would put up with her cont'd talking knowingly with OM. No way at all.

Thanks Mel, you are a true blessing and a trooper. I just don't even know my wife anymore.