Lady

I think you are possibly right and I also think that about the other bedroom and I also believe there is more to the story. I do think they had SF and she just will not admit it. Either afraid, ashamed, or does not want adultry used against her in court.

What verse in Proverbs. I friend just had me read and personally claim Prov. 3:5

Thank you for your prayers and support.

I think she was and I think that she just wanted to show me she could do this on her own. I think she was real close to changing her mind. I could almost see it. But it did not happen.

Guys

I have to soak all this in and go home now. I am still at my office. We need to tell the kids before it is too late for them to calm down and try to get some sleep.

I can't have them go to school tommorow without them knowing. I will try to check back in to see about other suggestions.

I truely appreciate everyones input and would like to be able to do everything that has been suggested, but I just don't know about my metal at the moment if you know what I mean. I am not wimping out or giving up. In fact I am trying to do the exact opposite, but I feel like I have been under heavy machine gun fire all day long.

Thanks to everyone so much. I will check back later.

Are you secretly using your voice activated recorder still? Seems like you'd be getting something from her conversations with a best friend in the know or her conversations with her parents.

Also, I copied this from P47d's thread. This is what Steve Harley says about exposing to kids.



Don't allow her to downplay the affair as a secondary issue. If she intends to tell the kids then they should know the whole truth and that you intend to save your marriage and try to make it whole again. Lay the entire consequences of the divorce on her...

...other MB experts...How does he avoid this not being a huge love buster. Can WOL just go along with her conversation and let the court inflict the pain without trying to demonize her to the kids. I know it is the truth, however, it is not a Plan A to have this big confrontation tonight in front of and involving the children. Can WOL wait to fight another day...we are talking about a 12 year old as well as a 16 year old. The 16 year can take it...but the 12 year old. Perhaps he should only indicate he is not on board with this and is doing everything in his power to reconcile and restore the marriage. Leave the affair out of it.

Mr. Wondering (perhaps a conflict avoider)

{{{{{{{{{{WOL}}}}}}}}}}

I am sorry for the turn of events in your sitch, but although you may not see it now, it will work out for you in the end. Since God is on your side, you will be fine when all is said and done.

I am with Mel when she says not to lie to the kids. Just as you feel bad and no self respect for groveling to your WW this morning, you will feel even worse if you lie and cover up for you W to your children. And it will be lying to your children if you don’t tell them the true reasons WW wants to divorce and break up the family.

If I were you, I would tell the kids that WW is leaving because of an inappropriate relationship with OM. Nonetheless, you still want to save the M and keep the family intact, if only WW would agree to work on the M; that you do not agree with the dissolution of your M, but since you cannot keep WW against her will, you have to accept reality for what it is. In any event, I would continue, since WW is their mother they have to love her and continue their relationship with her; that you will not want to ever interfere with that; that it is important for mother and children to be involved with another. At the same time you felt it to be important that the children know the whole TRUTH about what is really going on. They deserve nothing less.

It is in hard times, when we feel least like it, that our best can come out. It is in times like these, that the inner strength that we all have can make its most splendid appearance. I know you have it in you, WOL, and I will be praying for you.

Mr. W.,

I think he should tell the kids. They are old enough to take it, provided that WOL is there for them and reassures them that they will still be loved by both parents. Kids are not fools, especially at that age.

Waiting, I wouldn't say a word to the children until you get papers, and talk more to your wife about this. I don't think telling them should be done to hastily. And it should be done with much thought first. And things could change between now and then.

The scripture you were asking for is Prov 23:27 (NIV) NKJ says seductress, and NIV says wayward wife. But I am agreeing with you Prov 3:5, continue to trust in the Lord. Praying for the safety of your family. The enemy will not win!!!

Lady

WOL, I think that lies are much more devastating to kids. Kids can deal with the truth, they cannot deal with lies upon lies. They have every right to know why their family is being torn up. They won't be hurt by the truth, they will be hurt by her affair and her desire to divorce. To lie to these kids is to enable her affair and protect her frm the consequences of her choices.

I assure you that if they don't know the truth, they will believe your W's demonization of YOU and will blame YOU. When they grown up and find out they have been misled into thinking you were the demon, they will be none too happy. And you know how your W will spin this: WOL is the demon and she is his victim. She is a professional victim, WOL.

So, tell the truth if you are going to tell them anything, WOL. They deserve it and so does your wife.

I think the kids have to be told. I agree a child should never be lied to. If they don't know why their parents are separating, they may even tend to blame themselves. I've seen it happen.

Well I haven't read everyones posts, but I just did the hardest thing I have ever done.

After the kids finished homework I told them their mom had something she needed to tell them.

She told them. Started to not tell all, but then with a little suggestion that she be honest she told all. The kids were devasted. Turns out she had told DS16 some of her affair, but not all on Saturday. I also insisted she tell about SIL and FIL and his horses in training, etc... at OM's barn.

I have never done anyhing so hard as to witness that. Our sons reacted in the very way I said they would. Oldest kept very quite, youngest was very emotional and torn up.

The also know that I am forgiving her and wanting to work things out. I told her I would not do what I did today again. No more begging, pleading, etc.. I am here for her when she wants to come back but I am through trying to beg her and ask her over and over to do MB.

She has to come to me now. I am always there for her, but I am not begging or asking again. I told her in front of boys we have a 8am with SH monday of next week and I would love for her to join me if she will.

Our oldest told her we needed to go to the marriage conference that is going to be in our town in 2 weeks. It is a big deal. Being broadcast all over in Metro Atlanta and North GA. Expecting about 3000 people. Go figure a 16 yr old has it figured out.

She is in terrible shape. In fact she is right here in the chair next to the sofa and just in a daze almost. Her parents are terrified as well as the children that she will do something to herself. She has assured all that she will not. I think she will honor that. I pray so anyway. I promise I will read all the post to me, but I have to go be with my DS13 for awhile. He is really hurt. I will check in later.

Thanks much.

I am so very sorry, WOL. I am praying for you and your boys.

I don't know what to say. I am so sad for you and your family.:'(

I hope she will change her mind Waiting, and do the right thing. She is going to be miserable if she goes through with it, only because it is against Gods will, she will grieve. She thinks that is her way to happiness, but that will not happen.

Lady

Thanks everyone for your loving and caring posts. I really appreciate them. I wish my kids and WW could see the love and support for our marriage.

Things are a little better. Lab9 and Puppy are playing in the Den. My WW is laying down looking a little less stressed. DS16 wanted to go to the treehouse and call his girlfriend but I told him it was way tooooo cold. Cold front moving through Northwest GA tonight, 30mph winds for weather junkies. Anyway, I told him he could drive down to the pasture in the vehicle and call her since he wants some solitude. (i have checked on him several times, she is helping him. good Christian young lady. i am glad he has her) DS13 is doing much better. We went upstairs and prayed. He cryed and prayed. Then came downstairs and wanted to go down to the barn to hit. (Both sons are very good baseball players. Both would love to go to play for Texas or Rice to play in college) That was for you Longhorn. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Anyway, DS13 took his aggreesion out on some baseballs.

We have moved past the 1st storm. I have no idea what she is thinking. It must be horrible what she is gong through. I do feel sorry for her. I do not hate her at all. I just love her and want to help and care for her.

Tommorow is my Mom's 72nd birhtday. I tried all day to make it to her house to tell her but she was not home. I will wait till Saturday if possible. I just can't do that to her on her brithday.

Once again thanks so much for the support.

Update:

Last night things kinda of calmed down a bit. DS16 talked to his girlfriend for comfort. DS13 took his out on baseballs in the barn. Then sons came in and went to bed.

Wife and I watched the Travel Channel till about 11pm. Then went to bed. She actually cuddled a little last night. When I got in bed, she was facing me and in the middle of the bed as opposed to her back facing me clutching a pillow in the other side of the bed. I did not push real hard for an affection, just reassured her we loved her and I was there for her.

I actually slept good. This morning she did not reject me cuddling with her. It was not a romantic cuddle, but more of a comforting cuddle I offered and she did not reject it. I told her I loved her again and was there for her.

My 2 sons are still pretty mad at her. Oldest is really mad, especially because she lied to him Saturday and did not tell him the whole truth about the PA and 2nd contact after 1st NC. (She did maintain to the kids that is was kissing and nothing else) (still not sure about that one though)

DS16 is pretty upset because in July she introduced him to OM at a horse show as a friend and he had to shake his hand and then meet him again in the hospital in Nashville when she was in the hospital at Vanderbilt. He is fuming about meeting the guy.

I am just trying to comfort all 3 at the moment. This is a terrible possition to be in. Trying to save a marriage, keep a wife from thinking about harming herself, comforting the kids, assuring employees I am ok, telling friends what is going on.

I feel like I am trying to put out forest fires with a water gun.

Thanks again everyone for your support.

I am so very sorry for what you and your dear family is going through.

Right now, you need to take some time and comfort yourself and your family. But, when you're ready to take some next steps, here are a few things to think about.

As many have said, it's still not over yet. Do you have any idea of what your next (legal) steps have to be or how long the process can take (if you drag it out as much as you can legally)? I'll confess I don't know anything about divorce (fortunately) but sometimes I'm shocked at how little time it takes and some times it can take years. Maybe it depends on your state or something. As distasteful as it is to inquire, being forewarned is forearmed. Take what ever steps you need to take to legally protect yourself.

Meanwhile, you'll have a lot to discuss with SH on Monday. Do you think it would help for you to make a few notes about the high points so you can sequence things to get the most out of the session. I think it might be the most important one you have during the course of this thing.

Mys

Okay Waiting,

Before she wouldn't come near you. Slept in the other room.
Now she has filed, and is "allowing you" to cuddle with her in bed. Hmmmmmm....I'm trying to figure this out, but I just can't. But cuddles are a good thing!

I can't imagine how the children must be feeling.

Has she really talked of harming herself?

Waiting, you are handling it very well. I know it's not easy. Your W has been very mixed up. I think she knows divorce isn't the right thing. And she knows OM is not the right thing. She is embarrassed now that all family and friends know. Leave or stay, she doesn't know which one to do now. But hopefully she is coming closer to staying where she belongs, with you and the children.

Lady

Waiting,
I am so sorry for you and your family. I know it is a terrible thing you are experiencing right now.
Maybe I am the eternal optimist but while reading the previous posts I wonder if the saying that "things are darkest just before the dawn" is what is happening here. I admittedly dont understand the workings of the wayward mind....but it just seems to me for some reason, that your battle for your M is a long, long way from being over. That being said...no matter how this turns out, the fire of this battle has made you into a man that far exceeds the man you were before. No matter what happens, God is taking this evil in your life and using it for His purpose. I know it is difficult to see right now, but, you will have an amazing feeling within yourself when you realize how God is working in your life. He is there even in this seemingly dark hour.
Glad to hear about those boys and the great game of baseball. I have been in baseball for 18 years serving as the Asst. Gen. Mgr. of the Seattle Mariners AA team. You and those boys have a standing invitation for tickets and a behind the scenes clubhouse tour anytime you want to come to Texas. As a matter of fact, I feel reasonably certain I could arrange a batting practice session with our hitting coach in the indoor cage here on a gameday this year. No harm in getting the kid on the radar screen this early!

Mys, Lady and WCNTexas

Thank you so much for your thoughts and concern. I will try and answer all 3 of you in one post.




I am counting and a full out battle and still working to try to save our marriage. I am doing it for me, the kids and her. I do not know what my next step is. If she has the papers delivered to me, I will move at that point. I told her and the boys last night that her petition for divorce could gather dust at the court house as far as I am concerned and if she wants me to have it, she will have to call and have the sheriff bring it to me. (she did not want me served at the office and embarrassed, well the employees know now) If she has me served after what she saw the kids go through last night, I will know she is heartless and/or has a screwed up mind.

At the moment I am committed to marriage and not divorce.

I am hoping she will join me with SH Monday. So far she has not said no. If not I will be ready to discuss alot and I have emailed him with updates also.


Yep, it is very strange. Extremely strange. I personally think she is way confused and does not know what to do. She was one rung out mammal last night. I really felt sorry for her. (I know she did it to herself, but I could hardly stand the pain she was in)

The Children are crushed. I just have to try to keep the comforted. DS16 and his girlfriend come over to the house all the time. Tonight he wants to go to her house. He is afraid is girlfriend will be uncomfortable. I understand.

Yes, she has talked about hurting herself before. This goes back 5 years ago. She said she actually put the pistol to her head and did not. Then a suicide occured with someone we knew a couple of days later and she refocused then and realized that was the wrong decision. It came back up recently with Exposure the 1st time and now the 2nd time.

She says she just is tired of the pain and emptiness and feel like she is in a black cloud. I don't know what else to do to help her. I have tried over the years keeping bad news away from her as best I could and now know we lost some intimacy because I did discuss everything with her anymore, but I did not want to bring her down. I really don't think she will do anything to herself. She and the kids really talked about that last night, but she does not like herself at the moment at all.


I am really hoping that this is the case. Maybe last night will shake her up. I don't know. I am leaning really hard on God and have Godly people here and at home praying for us. It is up to her now. I know I am stronger now.

That is awfully nice about the baseball invitation. My 2 sons would love that. Maybe we can work that out this summer. They are both very good and love the game. Our hometown has sent a number of players to the pros, but none have made it to the big show yet. We have several at DI and A ball at the moment. It is a great game. A metaphor for life it you think about it.

No matter how good you perform individually, you are still dependent on you team mates to produce. A lot like life.

WOL, is she still going away this weekend with her mother?

Apparently not. It is my Mom's 72nd Birthday and I talked to her about going with my brother and his wife out to eat with them and Mom. She has aggreed to go. So the trip must be off. She has not mentioned it other than to say it was my stance on the trip and my letter to FIL that pushed her over the edge to go ahead and file for divorce.

I have no regrets about either. Maybe I should have chosen my words a little better on the trip issue, but not on my choice of saying no I don't feel comfortable with it.