Thanks BK

I am just trying to show her I will be here for her. I am still Plan A, not perfect, but trying hard. I will ask SH tommorow what to do. Let her go via a Plan B or keep up Plan A.

To be honest I am just going to take a friends advice and back off for awhile. Someone told me I can't get through her fogged out mind and my efforts to do so is putting her in the stance to defend her actions.

Church was good today. I taught Sunday School (it is a couples class and WW was in there and participated). Several people in the church know what is going on.

It just seems surreal, because, during the day everything seems normal and ask the sun begins to set (this is not joke) her behavior toward me and the kids change. She actually starts withdrawing so to speak. Usually falls asleep in my chair. It is just weird.

I mean there we are in church together. She just left for choir practice and the boys and I will join her there. Weird huh?

I just am praying for God's guiding hand on my life at this very moment. That is all I know to do.

Man, I think you are doing all you cn. Just keep in touch with SH and let him mastermind everything. I will be praying for you. God Bless.

Well tommorow morning could be big. Hopefully she will join me in my session with SH. Church was nice. We had a fellowship welcoming a new associate pastor tonight. Food and fun. When we came home she went straight up for a bath. Been gone for 30 minutes.

DS16 wanted to talk tonight on the way home from church. We were in separate vehicles because she went to choir practice early before church. Anyway, turns out DS16 is very pissed at his mom. Extremely so. I tried to let him know she is still him Mom and he needs to love her. He said he does, but right now he does not like her and does not want to be near her. It breaks my heart to hear that from him. He is actually closer to her than I was and it is tough to see him say things like that.

She just does not see what she is doing to herself.

I also have come to the conclusion that she is as in love with horse shows as possibly OM. That is going to be a tough nut to . Hopefully SH will have some answers.

Isn't there an alternative to that specific horse show ciruit....that is, if you can get FIL to remove horses from OM's care.

Good luck with Steve tomorrow.

Prayers,
Mr. Wondering

It's funny you know, but I had a conversation with my 2 oldest the other night. My wife was there too.

We had been talking with oldest son prior to this about his playing football again this year and he said he wasn't going to because OM was his coach last year and he didn't want to have any contact whatsoever with him.

It then occurred to me that we hadn't sat down with them after wife came home and talked about the affair. We did have a lot of time talking while wife was away.

I sat down with him (with wife) and asked him why footy would be a problem and assured him that I would be able to make sure OM was not a problem if he wanted to play or we could go to another club. Anyway, I then asked him (and this is the point of the post, sorry for rambling) I asked him what he thought when he found out about the affair. He said he was angry beyond belief. I then asked him who he was angry with and he said OM AND Mum and angry about the affair.

One of our firends had told wife while she was gone that sons would hate her for what she had done - I think that really brought it home to her. She hadn't really believed that in her foggy state.

Waiting, your wife needs to be clear in her fogged out brain that the effects of the affair and divorce will not be minor road bumps for the children and that if she proceeds with her actions, she will lose a lot more than just her marriage. She will lose her kids too.

Mr. W,

I only wish there was. She is into Tenn Walking Horses and Chain Racking Horse. Usually the same trainers do both and both breeds usually show up at the same shows every Friday and Sat Night all over the Southeast and pretty much in most parts of the country. Unfortunately there is only one curcuit that she is involved with that interest her and that is it. She has done it for many years.

It is really not about the horses. I love them and don't have a problem with them. She has just had 2 Affairs related to the industry going back to 1998 and I really don't think with this OM being there (and he is not going anywhere) we will ever get past NC/Fog/Withdrawel Issues.

I would love for her to be able to pick out some other breed and start from scratch were there is not so much baggage history and triggers for me, but they may not be fair on my part.

I am hoping if we make it that far into recovery that SH can help us with that issue on POJA.

WOL,
so what happened with SH?

Update from this morning:

Last night was a good night. We did not have any issues after church. Came home, I watched Dr. No while WW took a bath. After her bath, turns out DS16 really vented on her about her A. They talked over an hour. He stated his beliefs and set some boundaries for himself with her which I think was healthy. I even think WW thought so, but it was still painful for her.

When I came to bed she was still up and told me she and DS16 had talked. She did not really want to discuss details but said it went well in the end. Whatever that means.

As I was waking up this morning taking care of our new puppy at 5am, I returned to bed. WW asked me to rollover on my side. She snuggled over next to me and held me for the 1st time in 3 months. Just like old times. I am not taking it for more that it was, but it was nice.

Then she agreed to talk to SH this morning.

Oh my, SH has a gift from God in him. He is more than brilliant. His timing is unreal on what he says and how he says it. I was amazed. We were both on the phone together for over an hour.

He took her from being combative and believing nothing can change to getting to agree to talk to him again this week on Friday (provided we can get an appt) and allowing me to try to learn how to become a better husband for her with feedback from her. In lieu of me guessing or being fearful, she is now in an active role at least for this week.

She actually seems like almost a willing participant. Of course I have not been home yet and at the office this afternoon, she still had the somewhat foggy WS look of confusion, but she at least has agreed to something positive.

I still think she thinks nothing can change long term, but I know it can because my whole belief system about love has changed. (I think deep down she would like this, but is afraid to say so, kinda guarded)

To my knowledge divorce papers are still at the courthouse. God only knows for how long, but at least for now Plan A is still in effect and she might allow some EN's to be meet.

I give God all the glory and credit along with all my friends here that have been praying and friends in town and at church.

God is at work in me and our marriage. I just hope she comes out of the fog to see it.

I do think DS16 and SH have had a big affect on her in the last 24 hours.

my post crossed with your question.

I must have been typing it when you typed yours.

Thanks for askng.

WOL, this is wonderful news! Two steps forward, one step backwards. I am very proud of your boys; you raised some fine young men. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Awesome WOL. Really good news.

Thanks Mel and BK,

Mel, you are right. They are great sons. Really mature for their age.

Heres to hoping tonight shows some promises.

I am very grateful that you ensured they got the truth. Especially since they already knew a little about the affair. Your open discussion with them helps them put it all in the proper perspective and allows them to get the moral training they need to be good men.

The other benefit is that your WW gets to see how sleazy she look through the eyes of her own children. That is a very impactful wake up call.

Well here goes. I am heading off for bed. A good evening tonight. No heavy relationship talk. Tommorow is MC time with local MC. Wife does not mind going to her. She is good at what she does and has helped with some forgiveness issues and suicidal thoughts issues and anger issues, but not so much on the marriage stuff. Not for lack of trying, but she is not totally sold on MB. She kinda takes part of it if you know what I mean.

For now, I think we should still go to MC locally as well until SH says to not do so.

Hopefully bedtime in a few minutes will be ok. My mom asked me today if I was going to be alright.

I told her yes, some women out there is going to benefit from what I have learned. I would love to think it will be my wife, but if not her, someone will reap the benefits. I hope that is not a harse statement.

I think the next time my WW says she is not sure the changes I have made are permanent, I may use that line on her.

Good night guys.

PS

I left Suzets guide for WWs out in the bathroom like reading material for me.

I noticed today she has been reading it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WOL,
It sounds like you are doing well. As long as you are still in the game you have a chance. A chance is good enough at this point. Keep on hammering away at that strike zone and you will eventually prevail in one way or another.
And you are correct about someone benefitting from the knowledge you have acquired. I had the same exact realization even as I saw my marriage slipping away. I would suggest though that you use much prayerful consideration before using it on your WW. I am not sure why I feel that way, but I think you should run that one past SH before dropping it.

My prayers are with you and yours!

Waiting,

When you posted on my thread earlier today, I knew that I was familiar with your nickname, but couldn't quite remember your situation (I sometimes have a hard time keeping everyone straight. I'm much better with faces than I am with names.)

Anyway, I was curious, so I came looking for you and had to laugh. It's not funny "ha ha", but funny ironic. But since I have a sick sense of humor, I did laugh out loud.

When I first came to this forum, I put your thread in my favorites. I was thinking, just based on the title, "Boy I can relate to this guy's wife. I'm gonna follow this one and see how it turns out." Of course, my persepctive has changed a lot since then.

I haven't followed your story as closely as I would have liked. I must admit that I've been pretty wrapped-up in my own rapidly developing situation. But I certainly have admired your patience, your compassion for your wife, and especially your considerable inner strength.

Thank you again for your kind words. They made me cry -- in a good way. And now that I know exactly who they came from, they mean even more. Thanks also for the prayer. My line to the Big Guy is pretty staticy these days, so I'm counting on others to do the talking for me.

You seem to have built a great support system here. That's awsome. And although I haven't posted on your thread until now, I just wanted you to know that I'm pulling for you, too.

--SC

SC,

Thanks so much for your kind words about me. I understand what you are saying about why you 1st saved the thread and now what it means. I have had similar threads flip as to why I started following them..... and many I still follow but the reason has changed. All for the good though.

I have learned so much here and with SH. Probably I have learned more here than anywhere else. There are many wonderful people here of all types. BS's WS's FWS's even x's. I have found I have been able to learn from many people.

I truly admire your courage and fortitude to continue to work on your marriage despite how you feel at the moment. That is a good quality to have. It shows much virtue and seeking to do the virtuous thing when one does not feel like it shows great character and is to be rewarded. I believe you will be rewarded with a great marraige on the other side of all this. I commend you and thank you for your efforts on behalf of your husband and all other BS's out there.

One other thought. Don't feel too bad about the static in the line to God. He understands that at the moment. He understands all our pain, yours included. He also understands our doubt. After all He created us and knows us best.

Do not fear though, many are praying for your marriage and both of you as individuals. That is what we are called to do for each other. Stand in the gap for each other when others are weak. It makes Satan's job much more difficult.

God's Speed SC and keep us posted.

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I am writing an update about my sitch today and will post it later tonight. It may be pretty long. Lot's of ground to cover.

WOL,

I say this as a warning: Do not believe anything a WS says and only 50% of what they do.

Though she may be seemingly turning a corner and being receptive to listening, talking and counseling...I still fear she is just playing nice. There is still a divorce petition which is probably going to be really offensive, if and when you receive it, sitting at the court. On the contrary, if and when she withdraws that petition...that would be a respectible and encouraging "action" towards marital reconciliation.

I just want you to keep your hopes in check. If I am right you are going to be severly disappointed.

Hoping I'm wrong;
Mr. Wondering

Mr. W

Thanks for your thoughts and frankly I don't disagree with you. I am on guard and have my hopes up at the same time if that is possible. I guess the correct term is is opportunistically guarded.

I think that will show in my post on my update I am working on.

The divorce petition is still out there and I found out today at MC that she called her attorney today to tell them I will not hire an attorney to pick up the papers. I geuss that means I will be served some time this week.

More on that shortly.