Update after MC today:

Well if you have followed my thread and saw Mr. W's comment everyone will understand that my "good feelings" about what was happening might not be for real.

This morning there was some cuddling which was good. She initiated some of it, I followed up with a little. Not much. Really, not much at all.

I went to work and we left together for MC appointment just before lunch. The drive is about an hour so it makes for a good opportunity for talking. We laughed, talked and just sat in silence and laughed and talked some more. Pretty much a normal 1 hour drive of what anyone would expect for a 21yr married couple (together 26yrs) with no problems or issues. Of course we did not have any relationship talk at all. Just other stuff.

Anyway, we arrive at MC. I go in first and the MC asks for an update. Apparently my WW had called her yesterday after our appointment with SH. (our MC asked her to talk to SH and give him a chance). Anyway, she called and had already updated her, but the MC wanted my version. The MC said that my version is always different than hers, but she did say that my WW told her that I was not going to get an attorney to go pick up the papers. Apparently she told the MC that we have a court date 2/1 and was worried what I was going to do. I have told my WW many times that I do not do divorce. I do marriage and I was working on my marriage not a divorce. (That seems to be disturbing her apparently)

After my session, then WW went next. Then we came together for a few closing minutes together. WW has our MC convinced that I am going to "hurt" or "use" my children to try to keep her from going through with a divorce. I told MC and WW that I am not doing anything like that and WW said she is worried I am turning our children against her. I assured her that is not the case, but that our children are very smart and able to form their own conclusion as to what is happening in their life.

I told her and MC that I am desperately trying as hard and I can to learn how to love her, and let her see that the changes in my belief system are different than anything I have ever believed in the past. She is the one that is trying to destroy their lives, not me.

(Don't get me wrong, our MC is not in my opinion working against MB or what we are working on. I really believe she has become more of an IC rather than MC as she has allowed SH to take that role)

I mentioned in the session that I was under the impression that she was willing to try and work on things since she talked to SH yesterday. She said she has not changed her mind. I just really did not say anything else in session.

Anyway, we ended the session and started home. A 1 hour drive plus we have to stop for lunch.

Needless to say the ride home was a little different. I started the drive home by making a statement. I started out telling her that I wanted her to understand something by my comment. I told her that I did not take her agreement to talk to SH as a declaration of love to me, but I did take it as a serious attempt to at least try a little longer to understand or believe that I am not just acting, etc....... She said she was talking to SH because she did not want to look back with regret and think that maybe there was a stone she did not turn over in the process of maybe missed something that would have changed her feelings.

I then tried to tell her once again that I believe totally in MB and its principles and see it as a truth much like the laws of gravity and no matter what happens with us, I cannot go back to what I used to believe. My change is permenant.

I then told her that I really want her to understand something. I really want her to be the benefactor of the changes in me and the new belief system I have. We then spent the drive home talking relationship talk and then I reminded her that I do not do divorce I am working on our marriage.

I also told her that her shark of an attorney is not going to be interested in her reconciling. He sees her as a customer and only wants the file off his desk and his fee paid as soon as possible, and if she did start having 2nd thoughts and called them to call things off for awhile that this guy she hired (someone in my office knows him) would try to convince her to move forward and not get "cold feet".

After the Relationship talk and attorney/divorce talk, we then discussed affection. I asked her if the affection I responded with this morning was something that was OK. She became very solemn and said that she really did not want to receive any affection from me that is really frustrates and irritates her but she does not say so because she does not want to hurt me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I then asked her about the affection she offered to me. Was it pity affection or what. She said no, she wanted to do so. I told her that I appreciate her telling me so.

Then she said with almost tears in her eyes, " Physically I am screaming inside for affection and touch, but in her mind, she does not want any until she has some feelings for me."

I really don't know what to make of that comment.

Se seemed to really be serious. I just let her listen to silence after what of she said. We then got to the office and she dropped me off.

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Now we are at home and had a good supper together, and everything seems normal. She even talked about the trip to Israel that our church is going to take in November but we should not consider both going at the same time because of the kids being without a parent if something happened t both of us.

I just don't get it. I hear Mr. W loud and clear about caution and I see merit in that, but I really do get mixed signals. I really don't think she knows what she wants at all. It is like she is holding the divorce papers as an ace in the hole for her.

I am just so confused but trying to make sense of it all.

I am very sorry for the long post but there was no other way to describe what happened today.

WOL, you are going to take those papers to an attorney, right? You will need to get a super duper SHARK lined up to defend yourself. While you don't want to go along with her divorce, you have an obligation to defend yourself and the kids in every way possible.

You should be AGGRESSIVE in defending yourself, the more aggressive, the better able you are to wake her up the reality of what she will face if this goes through. It will be helpful if your attorney SQUUEZES her in a huge way.

And that means that the grounds of adultery are named, the OM is named and that you ask for the house, furniture and most of the assets since she wants to break up the family. I would also suggest that you ask for 100% custody with visitation so that your boys' home is not broken up for an affair. The papers should also stipulate the children are not to be exposed to any of her affair partners.

Being aggressive will be a HUGE WAKE up call to her, WOL, so please prepare to protect yourself and the boys legally in every way you can.

Have you protected your finances frm her possible plunder?

Mel,

Thanks for your concern. When I get the papers I will take care of myself. In fact I know who I would go to. The same Attorney my BIL went to and he got custody, house, etc.... of his kids even though my wifes sister asked for house, alimony, child support, full custody, blah blah blah.

My speak to her at the moment is to reassure her I do not want this to happen. I will be as vicious as possible to try to break her foggy mind and wake her up. That is what I am trying to do now, but not being real succesful at the moment. I get thru to her some, but not much.

Regarding finances, I take care of all of that, but the bad thing is she is in charge of our business accounting. I am in a rock and a hard place on that one.

If we go to court I guess I will have to ask her to no longer work with me. I really don't know how I will handle it.

Totally agree with MelodyLane on this one. You have already affirmed that you are about marriage not divorce but retain a tough lawyer who is willing to fight for you. Stick to Plan A as long as possible I am sure your wife expects things to be very similar after a divorce – only you not being in the house. She probably still thinks you will stop by for lunch every now and then and see the kids and be amicable to her. Who knows – somewhere down the line she even might see you and OM as buddies sharing a beer before a family dinner.

I’m not sure how best to get the picture of how a divorce will turn out and what your relationship will be after a divorce across. Honestly – I don’t see how it can be done without major LB.

Bigger,

Thanks for your advice. I am still Plan Aing as long as possible until SH says something else. She told me that she would not leave the house until after the hearing because she does not want the kids to think she is abandoning her. Pleazzzzeee spare me.

I have done the best I can to show her how ugly a divorce and after divorce will be.

I am still trying to do so.

Hi Waiting. I agree with Mel also. Give he a wake up call like that and then all the manure spread by her shark attorney will be apparent.

Praying for you.

Truer words have never been spoken.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well things are still confusing around here. Mr. W's comments to me yesterday

have really stuck with me. Not that he is taking away hope but just wanting me to realize what really may be happening. I say that as I am about to update what happened last night.

We watched part 2 of a story on PBS last night. Had a good night as husband and wife but no relationship talk. She is on the other laptop reading email, looking at her horse show websites, emailing a teacher (while I am on MB on other laptop). She was on her laptop about an hour. I was on and off most of the evening.

When she went upstairs I looked at her laptop to see what she was looking at. Among all of the above she was also trying to test the "cyber worlds, internet" ability to do background checks. She pulled up google, and several background check websites and tested them by putting in my name, her name, DS16's name and SIL's name just seeing what comes up. Basically she was disappointed. She did not go to good ones (except one and she did not pay for any).

I think I know what she is thinking. She is thinking about OM and wondering if I indeed have found out info about him that is bad. I told her I did some checking on him and he has stuff in his past she does not know about. (She does not know how I did the checking, Police, detective, online, she does not know) I did not tell her where I got my info or even what it was. That was the night of the 23rd on 2nd D-day.

I have wondered if she actually was contemplating any of what I said. She must have some doubts about him now.

Then I come up to bed. I tell her I love her but do not offer any affection or kiss. She rolls over and starts running her fingers through my hair. (she has not done that since the summer) She does that for a minute or two and then brush's my beard with her hand and says my beard is soft. (I grew one while hunting in SD back in Dec. and still have it because I am supposed to go with some business partners on one more hunting trip next week)

Then she lays her hand across my chest and just runs her fingers through my hair some more and kinda does a "uuhhhmmmm" sound. I told her good night and I love you.

She whispered " I love you too" I think it had to be a mistake or I did not hear her correctly. I did not even say a word. I just patted her thigh and rubbed her hip and said good night.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now it is morning.

I apologize up front the details. I am not trying to embarrass anyone, but just trying to provide details so as to get feedback as to what the heck is going on in my WW's head.

So she is sort of snuggling and I reach over and rub her back, hair, neck, scratch her back, lower back., butt, thighs, (no I did not go to any EZones) but I was close. She does not pull away and lets me continue. I get a little more affectionate rubbing, caressing, etc... This goes on for about 5 minutes and then she softly asks me if I will stop. I do and then just lay there until it is time to get the kids up. (sorry again ladies, I am being as sincere as possible, I apologize if I have offended or embarrassed anyone, I am a southern gentlemen and would never say this anywhere else)

I shower, dress, have breakfast get the kids ready, she is still in bed sort of watching the news.
I come back upstairs to brush my teeth and tell her goodbye and she gets up and goes in the bathroom to get ready for her shower.

I walk over to her and give her a kiss, which she does not pull away on (BTW, she is about to get in the shower). Gives me a hug back and a 2nd kiss and tells me goodbye. I tell her I love her and she says she knows and smiles. She tells me to be careful.

How screwed up is this 24 hour period been in my life. Again, I apologize guys for the details, but I just wanted to be sure everyone understood what she is doing and not doing. This is nuts.

I am sitting here at my office typing this update knowing that either today, tomorrow or Friday some deputy is going to drive up and I will have to sign for her divorce papers.

I am just getting drained emotionally and physically by this back and forth. She is made and not changing her mind one minute and then goes back to almost acting like she wants to have something to do with me and is sort of happy.

waiting on love

I've been following your thread for a couple of days - and I've been hesitant to chime in because I think what I have to say is on a different tangent than much of the advice you've been receiving and I don't want to shift your focus away from something you think is working or seems to be working.

The question I have for you is: What was your assignment from Steve per your conversation Monday? It sounds as though he asked your wife to 'give you a chance to be the husband she wants with feedback from her.' What, if anything, did he ask you to do?

The reason I'm asking is because it's unclear what you plan to do with the information your wife was giving you yesterday. You might not be the only one who feels as though he's getting mixed messages. For one thing, you're really not being very successful at reigning in some of your LB's or turning off the pressure (like you decided to do a few short days ago).

Also, so much of your focus seems to have shifted to what your wife is doing, thinking, should be doing, should be feeling, etc - that I don't hear much about what you should be doing to make your marriage better. I hear about what you should do in case of divorce, but for someone who keeps insisting he 'does marriage, not divorce' that doesn't seem to be where your head is at, these days. This is crunch time. Where's your attention to detail in avoiding LB's? Where's your attention to detail in finding ways to fill her LB (per Plan A)? I'd like to see you get focused back on becoming hypersensitive to being a man of action who LIVES the motto: Let's make this a good marriage for both of us!

Here's an example of an LB:


That is a huge DJ. I cringed when I read it. The problem with these DJ's is that every LB drains out any LU's that you're able to put in her bank. You can't really afford to be careless with your LU's that way.


Why did you clam up?

I don't see you as that far apart on that. Part of changing her feelings might have to do with believing your changes are permanent. Did you acknowledge her effort and appreciate that she did/IS talking to SH? Remember what I said about finding ways to champion her feelings?

One of the things I'm worried about (and it's hard to truly tell from the way you relate things here because I'm sure it's not the whole conversation) is that you are creating the impression that you're not listening to her or that you're dismissing her feelings and, instead, lobbying her with information that you'd like her to believe or feel instead. No one likes to feel judged for their feelings. You will draw her closer to you if you take safe opportunities (like the one above) to really champion her feelings. Be on the lookout.


I'm sure this is true, I just wish it didn't come from you. Again, educating your spouse is a form of DJ and is a LB. You've got to watch those.


Ok, now you've received some feedback. Did you give her verbal assurances that you can respect her request (I didn't say like it, I said respect it) and you will stop offering her affection until she says it's ok? Past this point, if you keep giving her affection, do you realize that looks like you'd be DOING it to irritate or frustrate her? (Of course, you wouldn't be but now that she told you how she feels... you have to take that into consideration.)


ARGH! You've got to jump on these opportunities, my friend! Next time she says something like that - how's about offering her some sympathy! How about a little "Wow, that must feel terrible. I'm sorry this is so hard for you."

I know you're reeling from the events of the past few days. I know this is hard for you. I'm not trying to make you feel worse. I just really want you to be successful and not let these opportunities pass you by - for they may not come again so easily. Listen closely. Find opportunities to VALIDATE her feelings (maybe not all of them, but certainly ones dealing with your relationship ). If you're supposed to be improving the marriage (from her point of view) with her feedback, then THANK HER for her feedback and make sure you verbally acknowledge it than use actions to back it up.

This marriage isn't over. It's too soon to focus on the divorce. Get back in the game.

Mys

Mys

Thank you so much for taking the time to give me such well tought out ideas about what I have done.

I am printing your post and really want to study it. I will respond more in detail later after I have read it.

But for a real short answer. SH did not really give me an assignment directly. He asked her to gather more data on me. I know what that means though and that is for me to do a real good Plan A.

He also asked her to let me learn from her what works and does not work, ie affection. Give me feedback. I think SH wants me to try and see what she will allow. Maybe I am wrong.

I am just really confused what direction to turn. One minute I am supposed to be thinking about protecting myself, but still loving my spouse, seeing what she will allow to be meet, learning from that.

It is just hard.

Don't get me wrong. I see a lot of what you just told me already. I am just scared I am doing something wrong all the way around.

I have to leave for an appointment. I will be back after lunch.

Waiting I understand,

The behavior is weird, but good, I think.

My H doing similar things, applied for an apt on Mon, was to move in on the 1st. He said he saw a lawyer but didn't do anything. Yesterday he was kissing me hugging me, only I won't get to close until I am reassured and he keeps his commitments
Committed to not lying to me anymore etc...

My H friend (his sorta mentor too) told me yesterday that he was talking to the Pastor at church on Sun. The pastor asked my H friend if my H was alright, that he didn't look right (and no he hasn't). The pastor then told him to tell my husband that he needs to "commit". My H friend didn't know exactly what that meant until we called him yesterday, he realized now it means my H needs to "commit" to this marriage. We sat on the phone 3-way w/ his friend yesterday for quite along time arguing, praying, counseling, teaching. My H mentor has been down the road with his wife too, and they are now helping us. We are all meeting today at thier home at 11:30. This couple is starting a "marriage counseling" group at church next month.

There were some major breakthroughs yesterday, and my H doesn't look or act as crazy, and I hope it stays that way.

God is working Waiting, just keep praying for the breakthroughs.

Lady

Mys

Once again thanks. God is an on time God and your refocusing me has helped. I just had a really good relationship talk sortof with my wife. I was able to remember what you said when she talked about our Friday appointment with SH. Also, when she told why did I wait so long to make these changes. I said to her gently, "Honey, I don't know, I was ignorant. It was like me believing the world was flat and it turned out to be round. I just did not know and was unaware. I told her I knew she was hurting.

Now on to your post on a few things.


I am still Plan Aing but I admit that sometimes a LB does come out. I am not doing a good job of mentioning all the Plan Aing I am doing on my post, more focusing on the problems I guess. I think I am making way more deposits than LB, but I know that LB carry more weight than deposits so I am really going to continue to try hard not too.


Boy I aggree with you, that is a huge DJ. I did make one there but I also did not do a good job of framing the perspective of exactly what I said, but I did LB. It is ugly when you see it plucked out and brought to your attention. Thanks



I just sometimes don't know what to say out of fear for saying the wrong thing I guess. I did tell her I was glad, but I really did not push on this very much.



Without a doubt, I aggree part of her feelings are tied to believing my changes are permanent. She says she would like to have feelings, but just doesn't care anymore. I really don't undertand that, but I do listen to her.


I guess I am doing both. I do tell her when she says things like, "I don't want to hurt anymore, or feel empty anymore, I tell her I don't want that either for you.

Also, I know that educating her is bad, but no one else is doing so regarding the bad things that will happen in the divorce.

Regarding the affection issue and me pushing it. I am just trying to respond when she offers, maybe not this morning, but she was cuddling close to me. When she says to stop I stop and thank her for telling me.

Affection, SF and Conversation are her top 3. I can't meet SF so I am left with only 2 of her top 3. I really have not pushed Affection at all until the last little bit of what we are going through and backed off immediatly. I have also thanked her for the feedback.

This is all so hard. If she would only meet me halfway, I could put more energy in learning how to love her rather than working on all sort of other issues as well. That is the tough part though.

Thanks again Mys.

Lady,


I do believe He is working. I hope she is. The weirdness is just something I am not good at following.

Thanks for your support.

Hey Waiting,

I think she is almost meeting you 1/2 way - affection was a no-no for her a while ago remember.

Bless you mate.

Yea I guess so. I hope so anyway. She slept in the other bedroom last night because some relationship talk made her cry. She was not mad or anything, just wanted some space. This morning she came back in our bed when I woke up the kids.

When she returned to bed she snuggled next to me. After a few minutes. She asked me if I would like for her to hold me. I of course said yes.

waiting on love


Well, that's fine. What you're doing is more important than what you report here - I just wanted to mention it in case you WEREN'T doing it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Fair enough. I guess I was just curious because then it seemed like you followed up in the car. I wasn't sure if you just needed time to process and think of what to say or if you somehow didn't want to say those things in front of the MC.


I think your wife has tried to explain her 'not caring' to you in many ways and on many occasions. Basically, she's said she's tired.

Take a step back and look at this situation from her perspective a bit. In her mind, she's been working HARD on this marriage for years and years and begging you to get on board. Now, all of a sudden, you're all fired up to change things .. just around the time she finally gave up. That brings all kinds of resentful feelings. One, is why did it have to take that (her giving up) in order for you to get on board with the marriage? And, two, she's probably a bit insulted if you imply that she's not trying - since for all those years you didn't try and that was somehow OK. But, now suddenly she's the bad guy for running out of steam?

I think you might get more mileage out of acknowledging her tiredness, her effort and how hard it is for her to give anything anymore. You've been doing this for less than a year (right?) and you're frustrated and exhausted. Granted yours has been more intense, but imagine a slow erosion of what you're going through now and think about how enthusiastic you'd be about someone telling you that you just aren't doing enough/haven't done enough and asking how you can give up so 'easily.' It doesn't go over very well.

I wonder how a comiserating attitude would come across to her. Something like "Yeah, I bet you're exhausted. I've been working for <x amount of time> and it's about all I can do. I'm so very sorry I didn't do this sooner and I know it must seem unfair of me to ask you to keep doing it but I just really, really can't bear the thought of loosing what we have and what we can build together. Be a little on her side of things - not giving her permission to stop but not just barreling past her very real, tender feelings - and expose a little of your softer side while you do it, as well.

In addition to that, of course, is the complications added by the EA. One thing I've also noticed that might help you out some or give her the impression that you're really trying to meet her half way is to append the word EMOTIONAL every time you say the word AFFAIR. As far as you know, her relationship was emotional. It looks disingenuous for you to sit there and insist on absolute truth and accuracy while being a bit lax with your language. The reason this is important is because I get this feeling that the minute she hears you say the word "affair" without qualification, she immediately jumps into a defensive mode of qualifying what that REALLY means. Also, you don't want to give her the impression that you're trying to overcharge her offense. Yes, she's minimizing it. Yes, that's bad. But emphasizing it beyond what you know, is only going to alienate her and look as though you're holding a double standard. . She must be exact with the truth but you're allowed to fudge a little when it suits you.

Oh, I see you've amended your signature line. So, she admitted or you found out she did have sex with him?


Go a bit further than this. Talk to her about how you don't want either of you or your children to hurt anymore.


It really is bad. I know you're worried no one else will educate her but coming from you I don't think it's doing any good.

The problem is that you're trying to convince her that you want a partnership. A partnership can't be: "I only get to do what he thinks is a good idea and is good for me." Every single time you try to educate her, you're tacitly implying that she's obviously not intelligent, grown up, responsible enough to accurately read the world and make her own decisions and therefore you need to make them for her (HINT: It's a DJ). Is that really the impression you want to give? Is that an attitude you'd feel comfortable building a partnership with?


Your 'if only' attituide is really going to cause issues. As much as everyone here agrees that an WS should be repentant about the damage they caused to the marriage and focus on helping the BS heal, the same thing (in fairness) should apply to the issues that your wife has raised. None of that makes her actions (EA) your fault or justified. But, you've clearly taken responsibility for not working on the marriage in the past when she's asked you to. Why are you giving yourself such a 'free pass' on not working on the marriage in the past while expecting her to meet you half way after she's clearly explained she's exhausted?

I know I'm being tough on you here. I just want to eradicate any implication of a double standard because that is poison to a partnership. What I want to see you two build is a partnership.

Mys

Mys


That is her. Exactly. I did not quote everything you wrote but she could have written it. I am trying to be more understanding about her view of what has happened.


That is a big issue for her. She says Affair to her means adultry. She does not believe the term Emotional Affair. She calls it and inappropriate relatoinship.

The PA in my signature line refers to kissing, hugging, but she swears no SF. Do I believe her, not really but I don't totally doubt her either.


I know you aren't being mean or anything. Everyone is trying so hard to help me. I really appreciate it.

Thanks Mys

So, now do you understand why she might be reluctant to jump back on the bandwagon? She's angry!


Well, it's all of the above. It's an emotional affair (at least), adultry, and an inappropriate relationship. How invested do you have to be in having her conform to the vocabulay you want to use?

I see two reasons why it's important for her to acknowledge what she's done. 1.) To validate your feelings of loss, insecurity, and anger. 2.) To ensure that your marriage is safeguarded against further intrusions of this nature.

None of those things necessarily call for a specific exactness of language - unless there just isn't any way you can feel acknowledged unless she adopts your vocabulary.

My point is that this (using exact words) doesn't necessarily need to be a hill that you have to die on - because, it's very likely that it WILL be. I think you can absolutely safeguard your marriage if you build a strong partnership (no matter what you call the EA). What safeguards a marriage is a strong committment to meeting EN's, Radical Honesty, and POJA - not vocabulary.

What remains to be seen is which one of you will swerve first in this bizarre vocabulary version of chicken you have going on here. So, how invested are you in vocabulary? Are you more interested in hearing your words parroted out of her mouth or establishing some meaningful communication in which you both can actually exchange ideas? Because, right now, I'm guessing communication just stops the instant she hears 'affair' or you hear 'inappropriate relationship'. One of you has to choose to let it go. Will it be you?



What's the benefit of not believing her? You're not likely to be able to prove she had sex with him (and, if you ever do, then there's time enough then to hurt, morn, and feel anger about it). Why borrow the trouble today? It's not like if you find out later that she did, you'll feel LESS angry, hurt, and devastated for all the energy you're wasting on it right now, eh?

On the other hand, there's some grave disadvantages to not believing her. One, is that she will never be able to prove what didn't happen. So, while you might find proof to that she did, you'll almost certainly never find proof that she didn't. Some people, if they feel they're being punished for something they didn't do, will develop an incentive (borne out of anger and frustration) to go out and do that very thing (figuring in some warped way that if they're going to do the time, they may as well do the crime.)

But, I don't think that's the biggest disadvantage. The biggest disadvantage is that it compromises your ability to truly partner with your wife which is what is going to safe guard things for you going forward. If you rebuild your relationship WITHOUT making it a mutually satisfactory, POJA'd partnership then you're leaving in place all the vulnerabilities that lead to this mess in the first place.

Right now, you're in Plan A. Plan A is about showing to her a sustainable look at what you're willing to do to make this a mutually satisfying marriage. Part of that picture can be a willingness on your part to meet her in the middle on some things (not everything - this isn't plan doormat and you need to have strong boundaries) but if everything has to be over on your side, then that's not going to leave her with a GOOD impression of what being married to you can be like.

Think of opportunities to say YES to your wife and to DO THINGS HER WAY that does not compromise your emotonal safety or turn you into a doormat. These two things:
- not using a specific phrase because you know it kills any chance of communication between you and builds resentment in her
- deciding to believe her words and the evidence (or lack thereof at this point) regarding her having sex with the OM

might be two (somewhat 'lost cause' type) areas in which you might consider bending a bit because there are bound to be other areas (contact, horse shows, details that might come up in a divorce settlement, etc) that you need to be very inflexible about later.

Think strategically.

Mys

I need some help figuring something out.

The sheriff from an adjacent county tried to serve me today but I was not at my office and my brother would not sign for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> What a guy.

My question is this. I am still doing Plan A. She knows I really want us to work. It also seems like she may be trying to meet me halfway (note, I said MAY BE). How do I continue to Plan A and still protect myself. She has a number of personal credit cards, 2 office cards, she is the person in charge of our (My brother and I) business finances and bookkeepping.

If I take away, credit cards, cell phone, vehicle that is in my name and I am paying for, office credit cars, change the locks on the office, etc.... That even if not a LB is going to be perceived as such. My brother is putting heat on me to get her out (of our office) once the papers are served. I told him she may have had an A but she is not a thief.

Does anyone have a suggestion? Tommorow, my appt with SH is with her also, so I can't really ask him with her on the phone.

We just cross posted at the same time.


It is definately an issue between us. We see it 2 different ways. I really do not bring up the A language anymore with her.

I have brought up the SF? issue with OM because I keep thinking maybe there is something holding her back on honesty is why we are not making any progress, but I have called that off for a few days too.