lady, you might want to email Melody and see if she can give you an update.

Since I have never actually chatted with any of you, I wanted to introduce myself. I am the spouse of Waiting on Love. You have all spent quite a lot of time analyzing me and discussing how selfish, spoiled, self-centered etc. that I am, so I thought I would share some things that my husband has failed to mention in his details - which were quite extensive.
He has asked me many times to come on this board and read the stories and ask questions. Well, Friday night I was home alone and settled in to read for a while. Unfortunately, I came across a VERY familiar story - OURS. Several people had told my H to not encourage me to come on here in case I saw these things, but obviously he did not heed the advice.
Imagine my feelings when I saw emails that I had sent my H IN PRIVATE discussing my feelings and he had posted them on the internet to be analyzed by total strangers that have never even met me. Yes, Melody Lane, I do have big girl car keys, and a big girl car, but unfortunately, since I have worked for my husband for years and received an "allowance" I really haven't had much "big girl" money in my purse as you stated. You see, I chose to work for his family in the family business where I took two children to the office with me - nursed them while writing checks or working on the computer, then later homeschooled them for 5 YEARS. They would do lessons at the office on the days I went in, or I would take work home to do after their bedtime and I had their school lessons planned for the next day. They have been in public school for 3 years; however, I am extremely involved with their activities and usually end up taking several of their friends home or to other activities each day after school as well.
Yes, I have attended several horse shows over the last 3-4 years; however, I have spent much more time taking our oldest son to BASEBALL TOURNAMENTS. (The H didn't mention any of that did he???) Over the last two summers, I drove the oldest to tourneys 6 - 10 hours from home - ALL ALONE with a 14/15 year old boy for an average of 5-6 days per tournament. This was at least 4 times in 2004. In 2005, I spent 5 AWFUL days in a hotel with my son and a friend of his 6 hours from home. (The friends parent's couldn't afford to go.) Then in July 2005, we went 4 hrs away to a tournament where the temps were in the upper 90s and extremely high humidity. I have asthma, and was really struggling - BUT I continued to go to the games and sit in the heat and dust. I had been running fevers at night, but tried to control it with meds. The 3rd night of the tournament, my 15 yr old son had to put me in the car and drive on the interstate in a metro area and locate a hospital. Upon arrival, my temp was 103, my press was 85/55 and my platelet count was 25K. Oh yeah, I also had double pneumonia. I spent 5 days in that hospital, was transferred home and spent another 6 in our local hospital - as well as 2 months trying to recover and get some strength back. While I was in the hospital, H was at home or out of town with our other child at a state bball tourney where he was coaching. He was also at home with other child while I transported the oldest one all over for the last 2 years. I am NOT complaining here, just tell the "rest of the story.

Now, does this sound like a mother that was "running around at horse shows while the H raised the kids?" You people were quick to label me in that manner because H did not give you these facts did he?
I am sure you can tell that I am absolutely furious with H at the present time. He has said AWFUL things about my parents, as well as given out highly personal information concerning my dad's medical condition. He also allowed me to be perceived as a spoiled brat and someone playing the victim.
Of course the H still loves me, I have kept him in a "Martha Stewart" house with homecooked meals, spotless house and clothes, children with straight As, transporting children all over the country. I wear a size 6 jean, have long black (naturally black and naturally curly) hair, handle all accounting duties for his very large business, raise funds for the boys baseball associations, sing in the churh choir, ALWAYS dress nice complete with hair fixed and makeup before leaving this house, and can converse with anyone - whether I want to or not! So you see, I am not the worst person in the world. Furthermore, H also mentioned that I had stopped teaching the youth at church in July. That was a direct result of my hospitalization.

I am reading the Word, listening to praise music, and praying constantly. I pray and wish with all my heart that I did have feelings of love for my H. I know that is the best for everyone involved, but that is not the case.

My H has stated all day that all of you were just concerned for both of us and trying to help him. I appreciate that you were all trying to help him; however, I WISH WITH ALL MY HEART, I HAD NEVER READ THESE POSTS. I am now really struggling with even speaking to my BIL because I read the things he has said about me. BIL is VERY judgmental of everyone, so I guess I should just get over it.

Sorry for the long post, but I wanted to set the record straight on these details.
P.S. From now on, I have asked my husband to refer to me as his WIFE not his WAYWARD WIFE. You know what, we are all WAYWARD CHILDREN of GOD, but He doesn't refer to us in that manner in the Word everytime he speaks to us!

RLD
First, let me say welcome to the board. I say that not to pretend that what you said about being upset about things that were said about you on this thread; but as a sincere welcome.

I definitely understand why you are unhappy with some of the things that were said. Generally, when we have spouses posting on the boards, we advise them not to participate in each other's threads. Some of what is posted is venting and are strong 'in the moment' expressions of feelings that don't truly reflect how someone feels in general.

Some of the posters who post advice are also coming from a place of extreme pain and see their spouse's transgressions in other's situations.



I'm sorry you are sorry you read these posts. It must be a very difficult way to find out things about your own life.

I am curious, though, about whether or not you're willing to stick around here? I'd like to suggest that, if you do, you consider starting your own thread and asking WOL to stay off of it or, if this venue isn't something you're comfortable with and is damaging to your marriage to both agree to not participate.

Can we help?

Mys

Hi RLD,

Sincerely, welcome here.

I am very encouraged that you are pressing into God. I see the future as very bright for you both.

You can see your husbands heart in his posts even if you don't like what he has said.

My wife has been exactly where you are at right now. You can come through this.

As Mys said, can we help?

RLD, I am very sorry you read WOL's thread and even more sorry that he had to write it. As you can see, he has been in great turmoil, due to your affair, and folks on this forum have tried to help him. He has been, naturally, devastated and I hope you wouldn't begrudge him seeking help here.

I understand your life has been very hard, however, there is never a good reason to have an affair. NEVER.

And yes, you are a big girl, a free woman in a free country, and are always responsible for your choices. WOL does not have the power to hold you against your will and this was the TRUTH I was trying to get across to him. Surely you can't disagree with that point. You don't need a man's permission to do anything and, thusly, can't blame him for your choices. To do otherwise is to falsely portray yourself as a hapless victim, and we both know you are no such thing.

If you are here to try and save your marriage, there is much that we can do to help you. You won't find much help, though, in trying to justify an affair or mistreat your family. What can we do to help you do the right thing?

***ALERT*** I’m retired military, Irish by way of extraction, and a Texan. None of those huge influences on my life has prepared me to be anything except confrontational and I have learned to live with that. I call spades by their true names--shovels. If you can’t handle some tough love, don’t bother reading anything else in this post. Close it up and may peace be with you.

If you're still reading, RLD, I'm confused. Your husband came to this forum because he was wounded to his innermost depths by what you have done. Further, he urged you to come here so that BOTH of you might be healed. He was open in what he did. You have been deceitful and dishonest in what you did. Huh? You’re complaining about an infinitesimally tiny little thing. Please let that pass and get on with the important things you have to resolve in your marriage.

RLD, I don’t think you are still reading this post. I suspect you don’t like to hear critical remarks and I’ll bet you’ve long since closed yourself off against those I’m making. However, perhaps you are a little better than that, so I’ll go on. Perhaps if you read and understand we out here are only interested in revitalizing your marriage, you will be able to accept this as constructive criticism. I challenge you. Can you take it that way?

Well, let’s try this. You say you are not a spoiled brat, but everything in your post is about you, you, you. You took your son to some baseball tournaments and you want special credit for that? Hey, fine. You get gold stars for those events. Personally, I consider those things as something a mother would do as a matter of course and not even think twice about doing it.

How about looking at it this way? Instead of congratulating yourself so much for the sacrifice of taking your boy to baseball. How about…your children won’t be at home for very much longer. How about…you should understand you need to treasure every single moment you can get with your boys. Those would be far more healthy attitudes to me.

You don’t bother to address your adultery at all. Why is that, RLD? Don’t you think it needs to be discussed at least a little? Or do you think you are above all that? You talk about how attractive you are, how you home schooled your kids, and how well you kept the house. Kudos…and I mean that sincerely…kudos to you for doing all that.

But you don’t talk about the humiliation you’ve heaped upon your husband, the hurt, and the horrible knowledge that you have betrayed him and your marriage. Why don’t you tell us about that, RLD? And tell us how you can see your husband still loves you enough to try and bridge this gap between you. Why do you not talk of that? We out here see THAT in every message he posts. Shouldn’t you talk of these things FIRST?

I also notice you don't speak of how your adultery has affected your children. Are you under the impression taking one of them to baseball tournaments makes up for taking time outs from your marriage to be with another man? Do you honestly think doing your parental duties gives you license to deceive your children and your husband and betray their trust the way you have? Come on, RLD, your children know what you have done. Have you no sense of the terrible harm you have done them because of the self-indulgent acts you have committed? I don’t understand, RLD. Do you want your boys to grow up thinking it’s okay to cheat on their wives too?

Still reading this? Then I have hope for you RLD.

You read his entire thread and all you can think of is that he's discussed your adultery in "public?" Oh…and he supposedly said some "awful" things about your parents. I just re-read the thread and he did NOT get abusive about your parents. The only way you can read that into his statements is if you believe that you and your parents are so far above reproach by commoners that no criticism can EVER be made. Are you kidding us?

You say you read your husband's thread. Are you saying you saw only that it was a public chronicle of your infidelity? Why don't you comment on the torment in your husband's soul that comes through loud and clear in his thread? Why don't you tell us what you're doing to express your remorse for having strayed from your holy wedding vows by having "affairs?" Where is the repentance in your soul, wayward child of God? What are you going to do to express your contriteness to God and to your husband?

RLD, if you’re still with me, I know God can forgive you, and I know your husband is ready to if you will be honest with him and work for the reunification of your marriage. I hope, I pray, you will come to see what you need to do to save yourself and your family. You say you no longer love your husband. EVERY wayward spouse says that at some point before they begin to see through the fog. The fact is, you no longer love your husband because you detached from him in order to be with other men. You can love him again. There are many on this forum who have found the way to do that.

If you will commit to giving up the other men and working on your marriage, the folks on this board will fall all over themselves to help you and give you what comfort we can. You are loved, RLD, but sometimes the tough facts have to be laid on the table so they can be put to rest. RLD, please take that first step to recovery.

Hi RLD,

It's good to see you here. I know it was important for you to express your years of exhausting duties as a wife and a mother, and that is commendable, and believe me, as a wife and mother I understand.

I can see where things began to go wrong with all the demands of the business, all the demands of the children, you begin to loose each other. But we all know going to OM was not the answer....right.

I do believe Waiting loves you with all his heart, and I'm sure he realizes some of his own ways that were not pleasing to you that he never realized before.

He came here due to his extreme pain of the EA that you were or are having with OM. That is the main issue. But I didn't hear you bring that up. Your marriage has been broken due to the A. Your whole family has been broken due to the A, including your own parents that were brought into it. It is very sad. In this you have brought much pain and dissension to the family.

I think Waiting has been very patient and loving toward you and the IL's. He expressed himself in a very respectful way, even though FIL tore up his respectable letter. We don't know if your father knew you were using the phone he gave you to contact the OM continually. You see you used that as a coverup to your EA also, and in all fairness that was not fair to your father either, and has since caused dissension between Waiting and your father, besides the horses.
I'm sure they never had this type of relationship prior to your EA. Do you see your EA with OM caused all of this?
Without that this all would not have happened. You only have you to blame, and as you teach your children the principles of Christ to apologize to the ones they hurt, asking for forgiveness, I think you may have many apologies to make to your "whole" family.

I would hope you will work on that.

We can't help you regain feelings for Waiting, but I can probably tell you when the feelings stopped. It's when you began to give your heart to OM. At that time you lost the innocent love that only lived between you and Waiting. It was a sacred love. Hopefully it will come back, you just have to give your heart back to God & Waiting. Be that 3-cord that can never be broken again.

Hoping the best for you, Waiting, and your family.

Blessings,
Lady

I must say that was quite post, RLD. Is it a competition on mother of the year? If so, I'll give you a run for your money.

However, this is not a mommy of the year forum. It is an infidelity forum.

INFIDELITY

Does that word mean anything to you?

Maybe I should ask if fidelity means anything to you.

You know I can probably beat you hands down on time spent driving my kids to and from activities, hotel stays where I was the only mom for several kids.

I did not have an affair.

Being a mom that does what a mom is supposed to do does not give you the ok to have an affair.

You did have an affair, didn't you?

Is it over?

Are you willing to make a commitment to your marriage?

You mention you are listening to worship music and praying but that you don't love your husband.

Interesting, but then I suppose you are still basing your feelings onlove being an emotion when in fact it is an action and it is a choice. You don't love your husband because you are choosing not to.

It is your choice, just as having an affair was your choice.

You know if you really read the posts you'll see that spouses are responsible for the state of the marriage before the affair.

You and your husband are both responsible for that.

You made the choice to have an affair. Your husband didn't.

If you are a believer, have you confessed your sin to God?

If you had posted your own thread stating that you are a WW (wayward wife) and were trying to find your way out of an affair, you would have been blessed with many positive responses to that. We would have all encouraged you in that effort.

However you posted a defensive post about how wonderful you are.

Now, if you are sincerely reading here in an effort to improve your relationship with your BS (betrayed spouse). please post a thread stating that.

Many of us have supported your BS in his struggle to make his way through the h*ll he has been going thru.

You say you wish you hadn't read his posts and the responses? I bet he wishes he had never had to write them, either.

RLD,

you say you want to be called wife and not wayward wife and that God doesn't call His children wayward all the time. You are so right. After we have turned from our sin, we are no longer wayward. Does that mean you are comnpletely out of the affair?

I think your BS would love to be able to call you his FWW. That is formerly wayward wife. That title is worn by many women on this forum. They wear it with the honor that it deserves.

It is very honorable to turn from your affair and to recommit to your spouse.

I can see why you don't want to be called WW. It implies that you are still having your needs met outside the bounds of marriage. It talks about the wayward wife in the Bible, did you know that?

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs%202;&version=31; Read read verses 16-17. That is proverbs 2:16-17.

God does offer forgiveness.

I really hope that you will take Him up on that and turn away from what is keeping you from that.

I knew from reading this thread that MYS was a very loving and non-judgmental individual. I thank him/her for reaching out in love. Many of you others just confirmed what I thought in the first place. #1 I did NOT commit adultery. I had an emotional attachment to another man with the emphasis on the HAD. My husband will tell you I have apologized until I am purple to him about this, and most importantly, I have repented and received forgiveness from God. I apologize to those of you that called me on tooting my own horn; however, I -like my husband - was venting. None of you had a problem with that when he was talking about what a wonderful father and husband he was earlier did you? Everyone just assumed that the statements concerning me "running around at horse shows while he raised the children" were accurate. I was merely pointing out that is not so.
Don't worry, I will not be posting on his thread anymore and probably will not be reading anymore either. (And I did read every single word so far.) My parents and I are definitely not above criticism, and I never said they were. However, if my H means what he tells me, he would not be saying one thing to me about his feelings for my family and posting something else.
Sorry if you thought I used the word I too often. When people are in pain, it is about the "I" - Just as it is for my husband. Thanks to the few of you that realize I am in extreme pain as well - not from "withdrawal or fog." I have been in pain for several years due to the lack of personal attention and companionship that any wife should expect from her husband. My husband knows where things went wrong in our relationship. We were BOTH responsible for those issues.
I hope you will all continue to reach out to WOL. He thinks very highly of all of you, and covets your prayers as well.

RLD, Let's just name the baby shall we? Stop beating around the bush. You had an affair. Call it infidelity, adultery it's all the same. You shared physical intimacies with another man (even if only kissing) That's an affair. It isn't an inappropriate friendship, relationship or anything else. Jesus said if you even look with lust in your eye it's adultery. So lets just call it what it is.

More power to you for apologising - too many wayward wives don't do that. But apologies aren't enough. No where near enough.

Is it your desire to tear your family apart? You can't keep living like you are. There's a lot of help and support and love available to you here on this board to help you get your marriage back on track if you want it. Lots of it.

What are you doing to get your feelings back? Love is a decision. Make that decision and follow the marriage builders program and your love will return. It's a guarantee of a better life for you and waiting.

Forget "woe is me" and take some positive action to put back together what no man should have torn asunder. Divorce is not God's plan for you.

RLD, please know that an "emotional attachment" to another man IS infidelity, is an affair, and was very damaging and hurtful to your husband. It is adultery. An emotional affair is just as damaging as a physical affair. Honest admission is the first step in repentence. That is how God forgives and I think you know this.

I am glad that you admit you were equally responsible for the issues in the marriage. However, you were 100% responsible for the affair. That is a BIG issue. That cannot be blamed on anyone other than the woman [big girl] in the mirror. I truly hope you come to realize that some day.

I wish you the best, RLD.

I'm sorry that you seem to think we are taking sides. That is not it at all.

Many of us who have posted have been the betrayed spouse.

Think with me here for a minute. You and WOL had some trouble in your relationship. Many marriages have trouble in them.

What did you do about that?

Did you seek out marriage counseling?

Did you read self- help books?

Did you talk to a friend?

Did you talk to WOL about it?

What needs was WOL not meeting?

What needs of his were you not meeting?

What needs did you find someone else to meet?

If you were allowing ANYONE to meet the needs that were designed by God to be met by your husband, you were having an affair.

That was a choice you made.

Now that the choice has been made and you allowed someone to meet your emotional needs.

What are you going to do about it?

First, you have to realize that you did something wrong.


Second, you have to then as forgiveness of God and WOL. I really don't think asking forgiveness when you don't think you did anything wrong is very helpful.

You'll need to write a no contact letter to anyone who has been meeting needs WOL was supposed to be meeting. You really have to mean it and you have to honestly not make contact.

You'll have to make a choice to love your husband again. It might not be easy.

There are some wonderful resources here on the MB site. There is a really great book you should read. It is called Surviving an Affair. It talks about just the same kind of thing- an emotional attachement.

By reading that book you'll see how much damage that type of affair can have on your family.

It will also give you positive steps to getting past it and restoring your marriage.

I really do hope the best for you and WOL. I can tell you that a marriage in recovery with both spouses active participants in the process is a wonderful thing. I pray that the two of you get to experience that.

WOL:

I sort of made my FWW read different threads that I would print that related to others post affair and WS's expressing remorse, etc. I think it was positive that your WW read the posts that you printed.

It didn't stop her from moving forward because she was addicted to the OM but when it came time to sign her apartment lease, she decided to do a six months lease since she read that affairs usually burn out in that time period. Fortunately, she made a decision to end the affair and stay home or we would be divorced today.

Your WW is intelligent but is very much still in the fog. WS's cannot identify that their justification for the affair is a result of them over exaggerating condition of the marriage as being such terrible shape, when in fact they make the condition and history of the marriage worse to justify their affair.

I am hoping her coming to the boards and being scrutinized will be helpful to your situation. She further doesn't understand that if she disconnects with the OM, she can and will reconnect with you, and that staying and loving is simply a choice she can make.

Affairs are so damaging and they bring so much confusion to the WS, but hopefully she will stop herself before it is too late. I told my wife she was at the Y in Road of her life and if she chooses the other road, she will lose everything as she knew it, she would never be able to redeem herself again, and the roads will never meet again.

My FWW is so grateful she ended her affair and is so grateful I encouraged her to stay now. She now looks at the OM as a self centered selfish man who was only concerned about himself, not her family or her. She sees him today as a man who was so willing to destroy a family and she learned how good can a person be that wants division in families. She says it was a huge mistake and bad choice on her part.

TooSoon

Good morning,


Her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I don't know whether or not you're still reading but I figured I'd jot this down and send it spinning into the ether - just in case.

I imagine that you're feeling a bit annoyed at some of the responses that you've received to your posting. From things that you've said (and that your H has reported that you've said) it's clear that you have felt as though you've been giving and giving and giving to this relationship for years. Then, when you finally just can't bring yourself to give any more... you get called selfish, told that what you were doing is the way things should be and to stop complaining (loosely paraphrased), and then asked to double up and give even more to make up for your selfishness.

It doesn't sound like very good advice.

I'll share a little secret with you - (between you, me, and the rest of the world) - one of the things that has habitually bothered me about these forums is that by the time you get finished talking about Plan this and Plan that.. and all this need meeting, negotiation, surveys, lists, love busters, etc, etc, it makes marriage sound like a drudgery! I mean, how many times have you sat around and thought to yourself "I'd just feel so much better if I had more things to worry about and do." If you're like me, that count is easy to tally up - it's exactly ZERO!

I want marriage to be a fun place to be! Yes, I realize there's some work involved, but if it's all work and never anything joyous, then count me out - I don't want to do it! Yes, yes, I'm sure someone's going to comment on that because, after all, I made a committment for life. But, I don't think that making that committment for life means that marriage has to, by definition, suck that life right out of me.

So let me just tell you where I'm coming from - because I'm not someone who believes that marriage 'at any cost' is the goal. My goal is a good marriage - a mutually satisfying partnership. If you can't achieve that, then go with my blessing.

Which brings me to my point today.

One of the last things I said to your H was:



Since you've read this thread, I'm sure you're aware that your H is really quite anxious and stressed out about the position he is in - namely wondering what YOU plan to do. I think we'd all agree he's in a bad spot. If he asks you too often or pressures you then you might jump prematurely to a decision that serves neither of you. Yet the unknowing is eating him alive. And, that's not a very nice thing to do to someone.

At the same time, you are in a bit of a terrible position too, aren't you? Certainly, it's not much more comfortable (maybe slightly but not much) to be constantly wondering if you should or if you shouldn't. How do you weigh all the factors? Is the misery worth it? Can it improve? What ARE you going to do about all these hurt feelings that are now between you? What about the kids? .. the finances... too many things to list.

I suspect you'll say that you've been trying to tell him but he's not getting it. I believe that because of some of the things he's asked about. Let me tell you what: The man is confused. You're trying. He's trying. But the message isn't getting through. Perhaps it would help if you explained it to Steve or posted it here and we can help translate. Because it is a very important message.

So, I'll tell you what I think.

One of the very wise posters on this board used to have as part of her signature line: I can divorce my husband today, tomorrow, or next year. What's the rush?

So, I say to you. Is there a rush? Because, right now - TODAY - you have a husband who wants to build a partnership with you. You have a man who is listening - to the best of his ability - to hear what you want out of a relationship and is willing to try those things. And, that's something that's hard to walk away from, isn't it?

Maybe you're afraid that if you stay then you'll loose your momentum for leaving (you've nearly achieved escape velocity) and loose yourself and languish away in an unfulfilling life - never knowing what could have been. I think you should give yourself more credit than that. You're watching. You understand the cost now.

What marriage building is REALLY about (in my ever so humble opinion) isn't plans, and needs, and all the pieces - it's about building a mutually satisfying partnership between two loving people and, let me tell you, that's really, really worth it. If you started over tomorrow with someone new, you might not have to deal with some of the history .. but then you wouldn't start any further along than you are now. You might even be further back because you might not have someone who's keenly aware of the price of not meeting needs in marriage.

Regardless of what it might sound like, I feel very confident that no one here is asking you to endure a marriage in which you give of yourself until the very life is sucked out of you and receive absolutely nothing in return for your efforts. What we want to see for both of you is a loving partnership - that's some work but LOADS OF JOY! to make up for it all.

So, for my part, rather than asking you to do more, give more, be more. I'd like you to consider what I said. Consider that: IF you can build a mutually satisfying partnership with this man you married would that be acceptable to you? And, if not, then you can always divorce him (with my personal blessing for whatever that's worth to ya) when you know for sure. If you can't - after giving it the good 'ole college try - then you can't.

I think that rather than loosing your momentum if you follow that path what you'll find is (at the very least) peace of mind. And, that's important. Or, even better, you just might find the marriage you've always wanted.

It really does start with you. Don't worry about giving right now. Why not learn how to ask for what you want out of the relationship and let your H learn to give to you. Maybe your first step is to learn to receive - FROM HIM.

Just my thoughts. I wish you both the best.

Mys

RLD,

There are a few sites on the Internet dedicated to helping people deal with infidelity. They all have their pluses and minuses. The biggest plus about MB is that this site is dedicated to helping people get back their marriages – not only coping with the loss. And MB has a methodology aimed at reaching that point. About the only time you will see us posters recommend divorce is when violence is involved.

Now, I think some of the posts on this thread could be considered hurtful to you. Some are even hurtful to WIL. But rather than concentrate on single sentences or certain posts then focus on what we have generally been doing with WIL: pointing him on the right path (according to MB methodology) to win you back.

And yes – our suggestions are one sided. That’s because we only got one side of the story.

To me (and not all would agree to this) whether you committed adultery or not is a moot point now. And peoples definition of when and “affair” is an “affair” does vary. For some hand-holding and/or a kiss is enough. For some oral sex is not enough. What should matter to us, since we want to help, is how we get you two to consider reconciliation instead of divorce.

What is your current situation? Is the divorce going on? You posting here would indicate that you still have some issues you want resolved in your marriage. I think if you were determined on divorce you wouldn’t bother about what we and/or WIL have been posting here and wouldn’t be posting here.

Please – if you still harbor some hope that your marriage can be saved – let us help. Take it from a person who has gone through reconciliation – the fruits are plentiful.

And posters – remember MB is about reconciliation and the rebuilding of marriages. I would suggest we allow RLD to vent and not be judgmental about her.

Yes, bigger, MB is about saving marriages, but that does not encompass indulging anyone's illusions about their actions or helping them hide from the truth. We cannot help someone if there is no honesty. That is always the first step in recovery, admitting the truth. Without truth, there is no hope because there will be no recovery.

That is not "judgemental," it is honesty. I hope that we all have the ability and intelligence to judge what adultery is and discern that it is always wrong. Decent people are supposed to judge right from wrong, that is the foundation of decent civilisation and an obligation of all civilised people. Our prisons are full of folks who cannot judge right from wrong, and that is right where they should be.

So, please lets do our best to help RLD and WOL, but lets not pretend that we don't know what adultery is in order to appease RLD's aversion to the truth. Let's not run screaming from the room, in a fit of political correctness, when someone dares to point out an unpleasant truth. And lets not pretend she is the victim here and did not contribute to the state of her marriage. That is dysfunctional and helps no one.

Saying what you think she wants to hear is nice and makes you feel good, but is not helpful when it is at the expense of the truth, and I have seen a couple of posters here who sorely need to heed that advice.

RLD

Hey there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am sorry your first visit has been a not so pleasant one. Like all of us FWW's - the harshness of BS's can be very hard at times.

You take some personal beatings...but the sad thing is - as harsh as many of them are - alot of what they say is true.

I am a GREAT mother, I am a GREAT person, I am not a selfish person, The world revolves around my H. What I had to learn to accept is that during the time of my A - I was NONE of that. Yep I took care of my kids during that time, they came first, I was confident, out going, kept relations up with people, still cooked and cleaned and listened to my H, but ALL while I was having feelings and a friendship with another man...so REALLY - guess who I was putting first - ME and was that doing what's best for my family?

Sure - I do not have to sacrifice things that please me - but this wasn't something that was GOOD for the whole family...I was NOT setting a good example - so what if no one knew but my OM...I was a different person during this time - why? I was lying all the time...I was CHEATING...

I understand you do not consider your A adultry as it was only feelings that you HAd for another man. Mine was like that too...and sadly I wasn't caught before it became physical. It became physical ONLY on two occassions...as they were the only time such opportunity arose. If you had the opportunity - would you have let it become a PA?

These are questions YOU and the LORD have to look at upon yourself. You lusted after another man, meaning you didn't just look at him and say wow - he is cute - you didn't just think - wow he is a good friend - YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM! It didn't become physical - but You gave LOVE to him in your heart that should have been for your husband.

Before you and you H can recover - you need to accept that an EA is an affair, it is adultry...It hurts whether it is an emotional or physical affair - you know what? My H left me for another woman - it didn't become physical until after he had left. Guess what hurt me more - the fact that he loved another woman- the physical part hurts - but it so secondary to the fact that he LOVED another woman while married to me. His heart betrayed me.

Do you not see the pain WOL must feel - you betrayed his love, his heart and his trust.

To recovery - you need to see that - you need to stop denying what you have done, stop trying to make it seem less, or not so bad...when you do this - you are making WOL feel like his feelings aren't important then - like what's the big deal WOL - I didn't have an affair - get over it...you see?

I am saying this from the WS's view too as I tried to lighten what i had done - it only makes things worse.

I know RLD that you are not that person now...I know - NONE of us are after the affairs, after the feelings die - but you need to accept that you WERE that person and ask the Lord to forgive you and help you see how this happened - what was wrong in YOU (not your marriage) That allowed you to get that close to another man - what were you missing, what was happening in your life - what did you need that WOL might not have given you - and then ask the Lord to change you, and work on those changes.

THIS will be the key to you and WOL recovering.

Read the link at the bottom of my signature called Recovery Guide for the FWW's and come to our thread. I know you feel you are not a Wayward wife - but you are...and given a matter of time you would have acted on those feelings...and I bet in your mind it crossed your mind - I bet you had started thinking about what it would have been like if you did....thankfully for you it stopped at an emotional affair...but not for your H - it betrayed his heart...

RLD - welcome.

Those last two posts really are fine words from a couple of top notch people. I hope you take the time to think about the wisdom they've offered up.

Thanks to all who have been posting and trying to help. I know my wife has been hurt by many posts and see's some good things in others. ( I will have to let the Lord sort all that out ) I know everyones intention and prayer is for us to reconcile and build a vibrant marriage.

My hope and prayer is for her to continue to read and eventually post again and that she will connect with someone and feel comfortable posting again.

One thing I want everyone to know, and I think it bears that out in my thread.

I love my wife very much and want very badly for us to get past this and work using MB principles and have a great marriage.

My wife is a wonderful person, mother and has been a wonderful wife. I find her worth fighting for. I guess I am fighting so hard that it appears to her that I am pushing her, but I am not. I am trying to be patient, I just see the sand leaving the hourglass.

It is true though that the last several months have been the most raw months I have ever experianced. I may have said some things during raw emotional moments that she (RLD) found offensive and hurtful, but the theme is still the same. I love my wife and want to work on our marriage.

I want our marriage to be a great marriage. I do not want her to experiance a medicore marriage. I want a vibrant, exciting, great marriage for us both. I know it has not been that way for her for quite sometimre.

I just want her to stop and take a look and at least try MB principles together and find help here and realize our situation may come in a different shape, color, flavor, etc... they are all still the same deep down.

Someone doesn't meet a need (that is me) and someone is tired of that need not being met, (That is her) and over time the right situation presents a wrong opportunity for something bad to happen (EA or PA). That is what I have seen that takes place. Sometimes it is one need unmeet, sometimes more, but they all have the same underlying plot or theme.

My prayer is for her to continue to read and post and stop the divorce long enough to at least try. I pray that daily and covet all of your prayers on that thought.

Thanks so much for everyone trying.