RLD

I also wanted to let you know something from my own personal battle.

BEFORE I even met OM - there was alot going on in my marriage and in me. I needed my husband during this time - he was not there for me. This was kinda like my last straw (at that time). I started to REALLY think about things - but you see I was thinking of things while filled with resentment, negatives, and ME. I was sick of always being the one to give in, so sick of being the one who kept us all together, so sick of being the parent - I wanted to be happy - not just mediocre.

I started to think hard and during this time, based on the frame of mind I was in, the conclusion I came to is that I loved my H, but wasn't in love with him (this was BEFORE I met another man). That he really never LOVED me - I was just convient for him, and as much as he said he loved me, he didn't know what real love should be like. I knew without a DOUBT I had married him for the wrong reasons, and I contemplated leaving. But I decided that for the kids I would make it work, and also decided that maybe long term relationships were better based on friendship and not love - and maybe this was the way to make it to the end not alone?

NO ONE, not even my mother showing me happy moments, or love, could convince me I was wrong. For the first time in YEARS - I had things figured out and they made sense and I felt CONFIDENT in them - I FELT good!!!!

Not too long after this - I met my OM...and long before it was physical - just the conversations with him reminded me of what I thought love should be!!! He made me feel good (even if as a friend then) and made me even MORE sure that the conclusion i had come to about me and my H was right. BUt I wasn't going to leave- I never wanted to leave- I did want to find a way to make it work with my H.

Fast forward to post d-day and post no contact.

When i hit emotional bottom after my A, i Had no way to climb but back up - H was the rope that pulled me there. In doing so he also opened up memories I had forgotten - ones I had completely ereased or rewritten - feelings of love...all I had to do was let him help me, let him show me....and for so long I wouldn't let him cause I was SO convinced of myself...So convinced I wouldn't LET any love in from him, not just while I had things "figured out" but before this - for YEARS before this as I ever so slightly built up resentment - trying to be the perfect mother, wife and not doing a whole lot for ME.

The more I just sat back and let my mind be open to OTHER possibilities and let H show me love, the more I realized OMG - I DO LOVE THIS MAN - I LOVE HIM THE WAY I WANT TO LOVE!!!! AND HE LOVES ME - DESPITE ALL I HAVE DONE TO HIM - HE LOVES ME!!!

Sadly 7 months into this - H had his affair and I felt what I had done to him. H left me BEFORE it became sexual - his was like yours in the beginning - a friendship that he had feelings for this person with - and he left in the hopes that perhaps it would grow and he could start over - since he didn't love me.

A month later he came back - he realized how much he did love me - but it took him being away for 4 weeks to see it.

NOW, here we are - 13 months after my d-day, 7 months after his - and you know what - things are good - we are still struggling - but things have changed - I HAVE CHANGED - I have learned how to talk to my H different, and his reactions are so different that instead of closing me out - he is open, warm and receptive to me, and I KNOW without a doubt I love him.

What's different is that I no longer am so sure of everything else <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You know what - I gave up that control to God - I wanted to control everything and I suspect you do to (not conciously - like me probably sub-conciously) cause control and knowing and being SURE makes things easier...but the truth is - only God has control.

There is only a few things I am sure of now - 1. I LOVE MY HUSBAND, 2. I LOVE MY KIDS, 3. I AM NOT THE PERSON I USED TO BE.

The rest I give to God and let me tell you - I feel better than I have in YEARS.

Why don't you open yourself to another possibility and try to give your marriage a chance...but there has to be transparncy you have to be honest, and you can't have these friendships while you try - but guess what - those friendships will be waiting for you if they are worth it in the end if you decided WOL isn't the path you want to be on.

I am not saying do it for WOL - I am telling you - do it for yourself - be sure - be careful what frame of mind you might be in. Give it a chance - give councelling a chance - and then decide.

Hi Waiting,

It's good to hear from you again. It looks as though you and your wife are still struggling. I'm encouraged she wants to be called your "wife." I hope that you will both seek God through all of this. I think RLD knows what God wants, what you want, and the children want, but her flesh is struggling with the Spirit there.

There was a song I was just listening by Celine Dione (A New Day Has Come CD)
It reminded me of you and her.

Right In Front of You

Life
It can twist your heart
Put you in the dark
I was cold and lonely
Doubt
It can close you in
Build the walls within
I let fear control me
I let go
Didn't know
Where the answer would be

Right in front of you
Right in front of me
We were looking
But somehow, some way
We couldn't see
That the love was always there
It's been around us everywhere
I had to fall to finally see
That you were right in front of me

Faith
It can lift you up
And we've got enough
To reach a new beginning
Love

Can withstand a storm
In the final hour
We'll find the joy in living
Don't let go
'Cause I know
Pretty soon you will see

Right in front of you
Right in front of me
We were looking
But somehow, some way
We couldn't see
That the love was always there
It's been around us everywhere
I had to fall to finally see
That you were right in front of me

You are my tomorrow
There's safety in your arms
Where you go I will follow
'Cause your the world where I belong

Right in front of you
Right in front of me
We were looking but somehow
We couldn't see
That the love was always there
It's been around us everywhere
I had to fall to finally see
That you were right in front of me.

***Waiting these are great spiritual love songs on this CD by Celine. I can feel God in each song. It's wonderful.

I would like you to consider getting the CD for RDL, she would love it!! Valentines day is coming up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Blessings,
Lady

Lady

Thanks so much for your encouragement and suggestion. I can't remember if she has and Celine Dione stuff or not, but the words are beutiful and so true.

She is really enjoying praise music and her Christian CD's at the moment. I will look at the CD.

Thanks so much and it is good to hear from you too.

God Bless.

RLD, I urge you to listen to FWW’s who post out here. Dorry has taken time to post messages to you. She has gone through what you have and come out the other side. Please listen to her. You speak of being judgmental. You’ll find recovered wayward spouses very judgmental and, as I read the Bible, so is God.

RLD, you are apparently still upset that an anonymous group of well meaning folks know some things about you. I’ll tell you again. Your husband has NOT breached your privacy with us. You are still anonymous but now you have the ability to get other people's opinions on what you have done. Please use this forum for that.

I see you’re also unhappy with your BIL knowing about what you have done and you’re even more unhappy with his feelings about your actions. If you value his opinion, shouldn’t that logically lead you to the conclusion that you might have been doing inappropriate things. Why can you not admit that maybe he’s right? Is not pride one of the deadliest of sins, RLD? Has your pride, your ego, so consumed you that you cannot honestly sit down and consider for a space that your opinions might not be right? Will you?

RLD, I also noticed in one of your posts that you sought God's forgiveness. You presume you have received it, or so you said. RLD, why does one ask for God's forgiveness for something that was not wrong? Is your subconscious trying to tell you something?

Lady, how about starting your own thread and explain there why what you called an “entanglement” is not really an affair. While you do that, will you read a book on the subject? Are you intellectually honest enough to read Not “Just Friends” by Dr. Shirley Glass, Ph.D.? If you read her book, RLD, I think you will understand many things that Dorry, Mrs. Wonder, and other former wayward spouses will also tell you on this forum. My thoughts are with you and your family. Please do the things you need to do to heal.

RLD - Longhorn just reminded me of something. You've asked God's forgiveness but have you asked waiting for forgiveness or is everything still about you?

I have a bit of a praise report.

RLD and I talked last night for a long time about several issues. After our discussion, she decided she would write a NC letter.

She did so and we both mailed it today.

Praise God.

WOL, that is a great first step and I know it must of been hard for RLD to do. Now the hard part and sticking to NC!

I hope she will give you the transparency you need to start rebuilding the trust in your M.

We BS can be really hard on the WS and FWS but they deserve credit for coming on these boards and offering their insight and help to others. Thanks!

Thanks Hope

It is a good step and I hope she does stick to it. She seemed to be very sincere and even said she should have done it a long time ago and feels much better from just writing it.

The boards have been tough for her. Not that it has all been bad. In fact she even said some of the posts to her were well recieved but others were not. I can understand her hurt, but I also know that everyone has our marriage and recovery at heart and wants to see that.

I had a good session with SH today and we (RLD and I) talked about it afterwards.

I am continueing to hope and pray for the removal of the petition for divorce. I told her last night and today that she is not really seeing a true picture of what I have learned and how to care for her at the moment because I see this hour glass loosing sand every moment moving toward divorce and I can't take my eyes off of it.

I just know if she would remove the petition I could relax some and I would be able to better care for her needs, etc..

It is just such a preasure cooker worrying and wondering that it is hard to really show my changes.

Thanks for everyones help.

PS

I am not sure if she will be back on the boards. She has said that she has a difficult time dealing with the boards. I have hope that that will change but I know that is not neccesary for us to reconcile.

Waiting,
sounds like dealing with the boards are part of what, I am sure is a very difficult process for her. I think those of us on the b side of these messes sometimes arent cognizant of the struggles on the w side. Dont push her on it.....but ask the Lord to show you opportunities when she might be more receptive. I believe the boards are likely a fluid situation. She is probably nursing the bruises from the 2x4's she got hit with initially. Lets just pray that eventually she will see the love that is here even for the ws.

WCNT

I will not be not be pushing her to the boards for sure. I hope she does return though.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Praying for a miracle today. That is about all I can say.

Thanks everyone for your help. Hopefully this afternoon I will have a praise report.

WOL

DANG IT, WOL!

I was going to log off this afternoon and leave the computer alone until Monday morning.

Now you're forcing me to check back in! It's like "WHO SHOT J.R.?" all over again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sorry SmartCookie

I just wanted to have others on alert and if anyone had time to please pray for a miracle.

Thanks all

WOL,
I believe more than ever that God's hand is at work. This is so amazing that I would see this post today. This morning before work when I was praying.....for some reason, you and your family popped into my mind. And I started praying real hard for you guys! Dont get me wrong....I have been praying recently, but for some reason not everyday. Sorry! But this morning as I was communing with God, he placed your family in my mind....very prominently!

WCNT

That's okay WOL.

I was just bustin' your chops a little.

But now, you just forced me to say a little prayer -- something I haven't done in quite awhile (I'm actually dead serious about that one).

Hope you have a good weekend. I'm off...

--SC

WOL - You are in my prayers Brother.

Thanks guys,

Smartcookie and BK I am praying for both of you too.

Part of the miracle has occured. We had some bible study time this morning and prayer time. It was wonderfull. She was able to tell me some things from the very passage of scripture we read that I needed to hear.

God lead us to the scripture too. I had no pre-planned ideas about what to read and talk about this morning. God is awesome.

We are going to try and read and pray daily together. I have failed terribly in this role as the husband. I have taught Sunday school for over a decade, taught youth, etc... but I have failed as the spiritual leader in our home. I relied RLD to fill that role. I did not know until yesterday how painful that was for her and how empty it made her feel that I just did not take the steering wheel and guide us like God wanted me to do.

I left her nothing to follow. I did not lead. My mistake.

I intend on changing that.

God is slowly answering prayers. I look forward to another miracle occuring soon. Very soon. Sorry to be so vague, but in my spirit I just feel that is going to happen.

God is so great.

Phil 4:13

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. NASV

God Bless you WOL and your family. God is working in his own way......

Prayers to you and RLD...


Hurting

Still reading and praying together. I have asked her to lets just see where God leads us through prayer and scripture. She has aggreed to that.

Thanks Guys

That's good Waiting...God is still doing miracles today!

My husband and I have really been making reading and praying together priority. We didn't do that in prior years together as we should have. We had been reading and praying apart but not together.

We are going right through the New Test. now. We are at 2 Tim. and read a few chapters a day together, then pray.

We also are reading Pat Robertsons book together, "Miracles Can Be Yours Today."

And.... we just started a "marriage group" on Friday nights every 2 weeks, called "Keeping Your Covenant" , one of the HomeBuilders Couples series - a small group study to enrich your marriage, through Family Life. There are 4 of us couples in the group. It's great.

God is doing His wonderous works here, and I know he will do the same for your marriage too.

God Bless You and RLD.

Lady