WOL

I dont think it's the prayer request that she is angry about

I think it's the STD talks. And you are right - you haven't discussed it with her. that would hurt. I see her hurt on that. Especially because she thought you trusted her on that one...for her it was one step back towards earning your trust..but you lied to her.

While I am on your side - protect yourself...I am just helping you see what she sees and feels...You didn't talk to her about the std thing first...she read it on a forum.

Transparency works both ways <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You want her to remain transparent - so do you!

Dorry

I do see your point you are making. I did not tell her about that post, but I really was not specific about any of the posts even the people that said they would pray.

I just was trying to respect her wises and that was to not talk about MB to her at all, including the boards.

But, I do get your message loud and clear. Thanks for helping me see my fault there.

RLD I don't understand why you are furious with Waiting.
My H doesn't get mad when I post our personal info on here.
He understands we are anonymous people here. What I come here and talk about, I also talk with him about.

There is no where I can go but here to find people who can even closely relate to my marriage problems. It's not like I can walk into church and find my support of BS's, and support of how to get through an affair which is the most hurtful thing a spouse can do to you. Waiting feels the same way. I feel you are trying to intimidate him to leave, shut his mouth, shut him up. And that's not right.
Where are you when he needs to talk, tucked in "your" bedroom by yourself. What do you expect him to do, wallow in his pain all by himself.

He loves you RLD. He shouldn't have to walk on egg shells around you being intimidated, afraid you might divorce him the next thing he does that you feel is wrong. All of the mess wouldn't have happened if you wouldn't have given your heart to another man.

I believe God directed Waiting here, as he did most of us. This site is a Godsend for those trying to save thier marriages, not further destroy them.

RLD you have never been the BS, you cannot even begin to know your H pain, which he chooses to forgive and move forward. Why don't you help him heal and move forward?

Trusting again takes time, and it takes consistency on your part to be an open book to him about all, not just some info in your life.

Love is the greatest gift!

Lady

Sheep, As you recall, your comments a few days ago about STDs was prefaced with telling WOL you hesitated to say anything in case I saw it. If you didn't think I would have a problem with what you were saying, why did you say that??? Obviously, you knew I would be mad if I saw it.


As I have stated many times, our marital problems are NOT about infidelity. I really dont' care whether you or anyone else believes that. If I believe it, that is really all that matters isn't it? I also don't care that I just made a very selfish statement. You don't know me, and you don't know my pain. WOL definitely doesn't have the market cornered on it.

He is free to come on here and discuss with you or anyone else whatever he wants to, but I have made it CRYSTAL CLEAR to him that I do not want my very personal information - especially info about MY VAGINA - placed on the internet. I don't think that it is asking too much! If he was trying to meet my needs and build up love deposits, he would know for sure discussing my "you know what" with a bunch of strangers isn't cutting it.

RLD

I am sorry RLD, your M problems may not have been about infidelity but they most certainly are a big player now. You made sure of that when you gave yourself to another man. This is the cold hard truth whether you want to acknowledge it or not doesn't change that. I am not blind that there were actually other problems in the M that helped facilitate the A but it most certainly is the elephant in the room now. You can't just try and sweep it under the rug and say to WOL, "now let's get to all of those things that you didn't do that led to my A". Too late for that now. You have to package all of the problems up including the A and deal with them. No one gets off scott free.

I agree that you should make clear certain things that are off limits (within reason) to WOL and I am sure that he will want to protect your feelings or he should when he posts here.

However, I do know that if my WW decides to come back, she will be tested for STD's or no deal. I don't care what the embarassment factor is, this is a consequence of her bad judgement to go outside the M to get her needs met.

I truly hope you are not trying to equate the pain you felt in a M that was meeting your needs to the pain that a BS feels by being betrayed by the one person on this earth that he/she thought would never hurt them and always protect them. No comparasion. ZERO.

RLD, with all due respect this is an ANONYMOUS forum so your self righteous indignation is quite unneccesary. No one knows you here. No one knows who your husband is. And I don't believe he ever said anything about your "vagina" but about STDs.

So, please calm down, you are anonymous and have nothing to be upset about. If anyone has something to be upset about, it is WOL, who has possibly contracted an STD from you. But let's all hope and pray this is not the case.

Melody, with all due respect, there are only a couple of places that a female could have an STD, and surely you know where those are!!!!!

RLD

Okay, so if you don't have and haven't had an STD then both of you should let it go and move on to many more important things.

So?

RLD - I'm glad you came back here. While your marital problems may have nothing to do with your adultery, unfortunately, until you come clean about your affairs to WOL, your marriage cannot recover.

You have torn WOL's heart out and you want to moan about him receiveing comfort and support in an anonymour forum? You haven't even been upfront enough to tell him how you managed to contract a STD.

I need to let everyone know RLD and I have had a long talk about some things which I will not discuss on the boards, but I am ok with everything we discussed and have no more doubts on some issues.

I do appreciate and continue to covet everyones prayers for her and her medical test next week and hope and pray all will be well.

I love RLD very much and we will continue to seek God's guidance and I am sure I will post on the boards and read, but I will not be posting or discussing the most recent topics. Please understand that this is something between RLD and I, and at her request I will no longer discuss any of the topics surrounding her medical anymore other than to ask for PRAYER.

She is a wonderful women and a tremendous rock. I love her very much.

Once again, please continue to pray for us both and her medically. Thank you friends.

WOL

WOL,
consider it done.
And as for RLD......I so much feel for you and what you are going through. I can only imagine how tough it is dealing with all these emotions. I pray that you will continue to seek God's will on this. I also know that divorce is never God's will except in the case of abuse. There is absolutely nothing that is confusing in regards to that. I also pray that you guys will allow God to take this experience and make you more Christlike than ever before. Paul wrote extensively about the positives of suffering.

WCNT

Thanks WCNT

I thank you for your prayers and support. RLD and I need it.

WOL

Your WW doesn't want to have her STD's be everyone's business and you must use this as leverage against her. She should either knock off her affair or you should tell her you will rent a billboard and use her as the town's STD poster child. Sound a little extreme. Think about this. She has no boundaries but she now imposed boundaries on you. I bet it went like this. If you talk about my vagina one more time on the BB's I will never quit seeing the OM and I will never come back to you and be true. In the mean time, I need to work this affair out with my lover because I am just not ready to recommit back to you and the family.

Seriously, you have hit her hot button and you need to use it against her to force the closure of the her other life. This may go against lots of people's mind set, but you are in a war, and the prize is your family. Exposure is the number one tool to stop an affair, so if radical exposure is necessary, then don't be afraid of using it to your advantage.



She used to be but she is not in her fog condition. If you didn't love her, you wouldn't put up with what you are, but you MUST impose boundaries on her.

TooSoon

Too Soon, I'm sorry to bust your bubble, but you totally missed on your guess with our discussion. I am NOT in contact with any OM. Pretty much not talking to anyone at WOLs request. I have no "other" life outside my family. I work at my husband's office, live in his house and spend every other moment with the kids.

Furthermore, WOL knows the truth about the STD situation. I did not make any ultimatums to him concerning anything. If a spouse truly wants to meet someone's needs as I understand the MB plan, the other spouse has to tell them what is a major Love Buster. Well, to me, putting my personal medical info on this board and discussing it with others WITHOUT discussing it with me, was a MAJOR LB. Your spouse may do something that is a major LB for you, but it might be something that another person would consider wonderful. For me, it was a LB.

I have not had a physical affair. I understand that an Emotional affair is just as painful, and I have done everything I know to do to apologize and ask forgiveness from WOL, and also of God.

WOL is aware that the HPV has been an issue for over 16 plus years. I have an immune disease which causes additional medical problems for me. ( No it is no HIV ) I never insinuated to WOL that I contracted HPV from a bathtub. He was confused on that point, and it has been corrected and there are no issues between us on that point. If he had come to me directly, most of this misunderstanding would have been avoided, and I would not have been mad at him.

As Dorry pointed out in her post, if a spouse wants transparency, he/she has to be transparent himself.

I can tell from your post that you are extremely angry with someone. Hope it helped to vent your anger on my situation. You said you are happily in recovery, but in my opinion, it didn't sound like it. Hope I am wrong though.

I am currently physically and emotionally spent and have very little left over for anyone. I'm running on fumes -like I am sure many of you are as well. Sometimes it just seems like God has overestimated how much we can bear, even though I know that is not true.

Many of you feel that I am a selfish and self-centered individual. I made a HUGE mistake that has caused much hurt for my family and that was a selfish act, but that does not define who I am as a person just as your sin does not define you. I am a sinner saved by grace - I am not the sin. We all need to remember, each sin is weighed exactly the same in the eyes of God, and they are ALL forgiven with just one drop of His precious blood.

RLD

RLD, We each have our own load to bear. And selfishness is a sign of immaturity. I see you as a great mother, but in the wife dept, I do see you as selfish. There is not hardly a word that I have heard from you that is not about you. Yes you asked forgiveness, and Waiting and God I'm sure have forgiven you, but....there is more to be done?


What are you doing to help recover your marriage?

What steps are you taking with Waiting?

Are you still thinking of divorce?

Are you still sleeping in another bedroom?

Are you considering Waiting before yourself?

Are you still bringing suffering and hurt to Waiting by ignoring his needs?


Are you being the wife God has called you to be being obedient to His call and Word?

Husbands are not called to fix every problem, they are called to love thier wives, and to be understanding, as the wife is the weaker vessel. Waiting does this. He never ceases to mention his love for you. You are so blessed to have him as your husband. I only hope that you will see it.

Blessings,
Lady

I completely agree whether it is the WW or WH, an A itself is about entitlement and selfishness. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME.....

If you cannot take your eyes off of ME and focus on someone else and give of yourself without expectation, agree to learn and apply good M principles, work at M, committ like there is no going back then it will not matter how this R / WOL goes or not. You will be repeating this in the future w/ someone else unless you become a nun or something or you will simply at some point settle for less and drown your expectations in other ways to avoid the day to day disappointment of not having a fulfilling M. Why not build a better M with WOL and your children instead of ending up in this place I describe.

The fact that you are even trying is a testament to who you are on the inside. Don't stop there!

I've been down the road of settling for less for a long time. I know that does not work. I've drowned disappointment in busyness with the kids, church, home etc. All you are left with is more disappointment and lots of loneliness and depression. Obviously you knew that or you wouldn't have mentioned it.

I would like to point out something about the entitlement issue. Are all of you selflessly trying to keep your marriage intact? Are you just martyring yourselves so that others will see you didn't give up? Is it at least a little about "you" in there somewhere? We all know it is on some level. If you weren't hurting at the loss of the relationship, you wouldn't be working to restore it. So, therefore, it is about you isn't it? You can't make someone love you just by working a plan - in my opinion, just as you can't make someone love you THE WAY YOU want to be loved. Providing an extravagant lifestyle is a wonderful thing, but to me it does not make me feel loved. Some women may feel loved from that, but I don't - I just feel purchased. Other women would prefer quality time and attention - time spent doing what she enjoys occasionally instead of always doing what the husband enjoys - over the most expensive gifts or material possessions. Right now, I just want to be left alone. (I guess to wallow in my pity party)

Lady, I am not saying that WOL is a bad person or husband, but I am saying the person you know is exactly what he has typed on this forum. His posts do not cover everything in our lives just as yours do not. Also, the things he says here are not the things he was doing for the previous 20 plus years, and he will be the first to admit to that. You cannot judge a person based on the equivalent of email. I'm sure there are plenty of people on here who have had on-line affairs that found that out the hard way!

No, I have not done some of the things you have suggested. I am not selflessly meeting all his needs at the present time. I am doing what I CAN, and I am not allowing him to meet some of my needs that he wants to meet. I truly don't want ANY needs met right now. Like I said, I just want some peace.

I have prayed that I would be less critical of you all because I know you are hurting and just want to vent it out on those of us who represent your hurt. I apologize for my hostility toward many of you. My feelings, wants and needs have not been "heard" for a long time, and I am having trouble expressing them without screaming at the world.

RLD

You do what you need to do right now, but make it crystal clear to WOL where you are headed and what you are thinking and feeling, he deserves that much.

I sense that you will never be truly happy and joyful as something inside is missing and you are looking in all the wrong places to find it. I hope that I am wrong here.

And, yes there are some of us who absolutely want our R to work out for us but we also want them to work out for others because if it does then that would be the best for all involved. We truly believe by applying lessons learned, MB principles and making a committment to our M that they can be better than before. Some do not believe that and that is where you are right now. I hope that you find the hope needed to give your M another shot.

hang in there.

For those you that have been following RLD and I and praying for her health issues, I wanted to post a praise report (RLD approved me posting this info). The Doc took several biopsies and she does not feel it is cancerous, (the path report will be in later) but she does see scar tissue cells from a previous surgery that she is concerned about. She will be going in for a treatment next week. The treatment is experimental but has proven successful so far on those that have tried it. The doc will do the procedure and redo the pap in 3 months.

This is an answer to prayers in my opinion.

If I have butchered the actual discretion of what has taken place I hope RLD will correct me. I think I pretty much got it right.

RLD and I thank you for your prayers and continue to covet them.

WOL