RLD,

Nice to see you posting. It really is.

Why are we here? Well most people are here because they want to recover their marriages. Why am I here? I want to recover my marriage that was shattered by my wife's affair - an affair that was very similar to yours actually.

We, too have been married for over 20 years. A lot of mistakes and hurt and anger build up in that time.

We also want our marriage to work for the sake of our children. Most of all I think we both want to build a happy loving life together.

You won't meet WOL's needs and you won't let him meet yours. That's very sad. The MB plan has saved many marriages including mine. My wife and I have a wonderful love for each other and our marriage is recovering. You can have that too. But you are very hardheaded RLD. You need to ask God to soften your heart to your husband. You need to give the MB program a chance. You need to start meeting some needs and having yours met. Love is just around the corner if you start doing that.

RLD, my wife was spent. She was tired. She felt she didn't have a life. She virtually hated me. But she committed to our marriage for the sake of the children and because she is a christian. She didn't come back to us because she loved me - she came back because she knew in her heart that it was best for our family and best for OM's family.

RLD - she had NO feelings for me. Does that sound familiar? None. Except for a bit of hate I guess.

But she committed to working on us.

Very early on, she knew that she had to meet my needs. RLD - she couldn't barely look at me. SHe couldn't touch me - wouldn't let me touch her. She was in withdrawal from OM. She forced herself to have sex with me as an act of love. Did she feel like it? Not at all.

But over the last 6 months since I discovered her affair and she came back home, we have learnt a lot and I can say we are really truely in love with each other. What was forces and uncomfortable and awkward then is a great joy now.

You can love WOL again. You can have the marriage and life and love you've always wanted. It's right there waiting for you. Or you can have what you have now or you can divorce. It's your call RLD.

Do you have the conviction and courage to do what you know you have to do?

Hey WOL,
I hope you and RLD are doing okay. That book I mentioned a few days ago is "Embracing Uncertainty" by Susan Jeffers. I haven't read it myself. But maybe it can help you find the patience to get through this difficult, limbo-like time.
All my best,
--SC

Hi Waiting,



I'm glad to hear the news from the doc. How are you all doing?

Lady

SC and Lady

Thanks for your post. SC I will look into the book. Also I may ask RLD to look into purchasing it. She is the real reader in the family and can breeze through one real fast.

Lady it is an answer to prayer.

I have been away for a couple of days from reading, posting or anything as I have been sick. I stayed in bed till 3:30pm yesterday. Felt like crap.

Thanks again.

Journaling

The last few days have been rough. I was sick with some kind of crude then DS13 got sick and finally RLD was sick Friday all the way till last night. Uck. It is going around all over town. I think we are all past it.

RLD is still just on the fence. She will not drop the d-papers but seems to be willing to pray together but that is about it. She will not go on a date with me, and still is in the other bedroom. Our sons are pretty over it all. They told me they are so tired of seeing her in the other bedroom.

I think they just want their Mom to act like a wife again. I have tried to reason with her about God's will and she still has not moved. The last thing we discussed last week before she got sick was for me to give her some space for her to process things and let try to listen to God.

She knows very much what God wants out of her. How is she ever going to get off the fence if she is waiting for feelings all the time.

Just curious?

RLD received some bad news this week from her path report on the biopsies she had taken last week.

One biopsy was cancer and the other 5 where right on the line as Stage 1 Cancer.

When it rains it pours I guess. Please pray for RLD and her treatments. She begins this Friday and will go 6 weeks with it. Then followup with another PAP 2 weeks after that.

The treatments will make her weekends rough and make her feel bad, but we are hoping and praying it will take care of the problems.

Thanks earlier for everyones prayers and we covet them still.

WOL

Hi Waiting,

Sorry to hear about RLD. I thought the Dr. said last week it didn't look like cancer. I guess sometimes it's hard to tell just by looking at it. Is it cervical cancer? I do hope she is going to be alright Waiting, and I hope you and the children are going to be alright too. This must be hard for you all.

We will be praying.

Lady

RLD went to have her procedure on Friday and they refused to do it as she had a fever. They have reset her procedure appointments to 2 weeks from now.

I am praying for a complete healing for her. I am also very lonely and tired. I am having a hard time focusing and trying very hard to meet what needs she will allow me to meet during this time, but I am feeling like I am falling into a deep dark hole where light it swallowed by the darkness.

I am not trying to be dramatic but that is just the only way I can describe how I feel at the moment. I miss her companionship so much.

Please pray that I will remain strong and God's Will is done.

WOL

Why do we hurt so bad when we are the ones (BS's) that should be so angry? I am not really angry about the affair anymore.

I just want to move forward with our marriage and begin recovery.

WOL

Hey WOL,

Tell RLD I am so sorry for everything she is going through and she is in my prayers still.

Let her know too - that there are several of us FWW's who do talk via email, and if she ever wanted a friendly ear, she is MORE than welcome to email me at candice.louise@gmail.com

((HUGS))

Thanks Dorry,

I emailed her the link to your post. I hope she will email you so she will have someone to talk to that has been through and made it to the other side. If not, I can't maker her but hopefully she will feel safe to do so.

Thanks for your prayers for both of us.

WOL

I have a praise report to offer everyone. RLD stopped the hearing and has suspended the divorce petition for now. I think it is due to my most recent health situation, but I am giving God the glory and credit for it all.

God can use all things for those who love the Lord and I am believing this extra time will give us a little more of a chance to begin some type of recovery.

RLD has moved back into our bedroom 4 days ago and just having her in there at least has taken that pressure off the sitch. Worrying about what the kids are thinking. It is also very comforting even though there is no exchange of love or affection just having her in there breathing and under the covers. At least it feels like some type of intimacy.

Please continue for those that have been praying for a breaktrhough to occur in her heart.

WOL

WOL,
that is truly great news! There is nothing that God cant do!



WCNT

Hi Waiting,
Thinking of you and RLD. Glad to hear RLD is a little closer.

Pr 13:12 “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.”

Lady

Thanks Lady.

We have talked and I asked her to pick some type of something, Gary Smalley, Gary Chapman, Marriage Builders, something that we can do to try to build our marriage back. She did aggree to and I hope we get a chance to talk about it this weekend.

Thanks Again

WOL

RLD did pick a MC weekend program. It is a 2 day event in May. We have not talked about it. I am really not sure if it is the right one for us or not. Reading it looks more like an event for couples that want to improve their relationship, not couples whose marriage are in crisis.

I really don't know what to do. Go with the flow and just go and see what happens or ask her about another one.

I really don't want her to think that I am trying to be controling, but I just have concerns it may not be the right one for us.

Does anyone have a suggestion as to how to approach her on this without sounding like I am "not approving" if her choice?

Also,

How does one handle the pressure of wanting, needing, desiring, SF, affection from your spouse when you know you will be rejected?

I am really at the end of my rope about having no physical contact at all with her. It is like I am in a desert with no water at all if you know what I mean. I see the water, but cannot have any, if you know what I mean.

Any ideas? I crave at this point some type of contact. Any kind at this point. Hand holding, cuddling in bed, anything.

WOL

Hi Waiting,

I think the MC weekend is worth a try. It's good RLD is looking into it at least. I like groups myself. I feel safer in a group.

But...our marriage group died last week. I am kindof disappointed. The "host" said that some are just not ready. She said some need to grow personally, until then they are not ready to grow with a spouse. I don't really agree with this. The minute we marry we are ready and should be willing to grow with our spouse. All the couples except us have been married for over 10 yrs. Unfortunatlely marriage is not priority to some. We got through 3 questions in 3 weeks. To much talk was being done off topic, by the "unruly facilitators."

Waiting, I can say that the "divorce proceedings" put on hold that are hanging over your head is very threatening, and would be very stressful for me. I don't know what RLD is trying to prove with that. It's very scary to know that your family could be torn apart at any moment due to her decisions. "Malice" means an active intent to bring harm to another. I would say that is a form of malice. I know that is harming you, and so does she.
So.... why????

The love of many growing cold...yes I think so. May we all return to our "first love" in a real way, so that we have love to give to others he has given to us.

Love is the greatest gift.

I am hoping the best for you and RLD.

Lady

The reason she even looked into it is because I asked her to. The MC thing. I asked her to at least pick something out. MB, Gary Smally, Gary Chapman, lets just try something.

She aggreed. I don't know if her intent was to just make me shutup about it or if she really wanted to look into something. Truth is I am not sure any of that really matters anyway as I know God can work through those types of issues and use anything.

I don't think it is a group, just a weekend of MCing.

Why she is choosing to harm me and kids is beyond me. She is not that type of person. It almost seems that she blames me for all the wrong in her life.

A good friend of mine (who is divorced) told me last week that we both have to put behind us things in the past and be willing to never bring it up again, because we have our entire lives in front of us potentially together with kids, grand kids some day and all. Maybe 20 or 30 yrs of positive things if we both allow it.

I am willing, I just wish and pray that she would come to that realization.

WOL

That is really good advice, and something I have been thinking of too. We can spend so much time in the negatives.... wasting precious time the Lord has given us, only causing ourselves more sorrow upon sorrow. It doesn't have to be that way. When we hurt our spouse we hurt ourself, and we have to be continually aware of that.

Lady

#####WOL#####

That was to symbolize me taking you by the shoulders and trying to shake some sense into you man!!! Let me be blunt. One of RLD's main complaints with you is that she thinks you're controlling, right? So you ask her to choose some sort of program to start working on your marriage... she does... and you're thinking about questioning her choice???? Are you out of your cotton-pickin' mind?

Go to the weekend retreat she chose.

Do so enthusiastically and with an open mind and heart.

If nothing else, you will get a weekend of her undivided attention (And I bet they'll instruct the two of you to make some sort of bodily contact with each other at some point <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />)

--SC