SIGH...............this isn't about making him "mad" or causing a"LB"....the time for that has since passed. Your creditors and childrens needs quite frankly don'r give a flying %^$$ about a LB to your WH. This is about HIM LIVING UP TO HIS responsibilities. Stop enabling him. He has been calling the shots long enough. You have a 15 year old son who is bordering on a complete psychological meltdown because of your WH's actions...Hurting, do you realize the $hit that happens to children today, they carry for a long time into their adult life? You have kids and a household that is going without....SORRY, but you have to "sack up" here and take what is yours and your families. You have it owed to you and your children....Your cheating husband has already let you know MULTIPLE times that he is incapable of making the right decision and doing the "right thing". MAKE IT FOR HIM HERE, and take all of the $$$$$$$$$.

If you are not doing or doing things because of fear that your WH "might start something", then you have far worse problems that we already believed. Please rethink what you said......Am I reading that right?

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know, it's amazing how low a wayward can go!

My H was on the worst streets of the city he was in 7 wks ago. Yuck!!

My H is from Philadelphia, Italian part, he grew up there (well he really didn't grow up...but). The streets don't scare him most of the time. But this last time he was wayward he said this big guy confronted him, wanting a cig or something and it scared him. I was really scared for him when he was out there because I don't think he would be able to handle the streets like he used to. I've seen ghetto, but not like he's seen ghetto! He's really getting to old for that crap. We live in a small town in NY.

Love, Lady

Lem,

Your right I should take it all if it does come to the account. To be honest I just didn't want to get into a pissing war with WH. I am not afraid of him or any such nonsense like that. The only thing I worry over is coming to the house and make a big stink, which he will.... I am not afraid he will hurt me or anything like that. When and if this money shows up in the account I will deal with it. My children have to come first I know this and WH is going to figure that out as well....

Yes Lem I do understand about my son as well. I am getting him in counseling, he says he won't talk to a counselor but I am making the appointment anyhow.

I was a child of divorce and my dad was an alcoholic so yes I know what its like to have your childhood torn up. I don't want my son to carry this with him forever. I have talked until I am blue in the face with WH about our son and what this is doing to him and he keeps saying, DS was unhappy before all of this.... So see he does not see what is happening around him... He has not tried to see DS in 4 weeks and he called last week for DS and DS refused to speak to him. Turns out all he wanted was for DS to give someone a message at the bowling alley for him...

I can't and won't make my son talk to or see his father unless he wants to. The only thing my son wants is his father to come home. I have tried so hard to explain to him this may never happen and he will have to learn to accept it. So counseling is the only thing I have left to help my son with and I am doing that.

I appreciate your post and I know your right.

Lady,

OW lives in a little town about 15 miles away. The apt she lives in in is low income as well.... I wonder if her landlord knows WH is there? Well anyway WH has already complained to his mom last month about how he hates living in an apt. You can hear everyone and everyone can hear you.

Oh well you leave your own home to lay with trash, I guess you have to live in trash ......

Thats right......Yucko

Start selling those tools. Tools hold their value well if they've been taken care of.

Take the $$$ if it's deposited in your account.

Remember WH isn't thinking of anybody but himself and from what I can read here the past few days, I believe he's really receiving pressure from OW to "get things done".

Good Morning, Hurting:

You may not have seen my previous post to you but I will repeat that your WH is continuing to follow my FWH's script. Is your WH middle-aged? Could he be having a midlife crisis? That was true for my H.. This certainly does not excuse their actions. It's been helpful to me in understanding what has happened. To me, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER and that's what we have been robbed of as you say...PERSONAL POWER...



The good part of this is that YOU will be CHANGED FOREVER. The change that is good for you is that you will likely NO LONGER TOLERATE DISRESPECT OR MALTREATMENT from others. I am thankful for this change in myself. I am so much more assertive and grounded in my beliefs...I also am NO LONGER NAIVE..I cannot be played or manipulated. I can smell DECEPTION from a mile away.....

The same is true for your H, Hurting.. Because of this, he will never be exactly the same. My H is not the same. However, in many ways, he is better. Tragedy, reaching your low point, can result in significant change in a person. Haven't you heard about people who have turned their lives around? That can happen for you and it can happen for your H.

My H also moved into the ghetto with the FOW. He had to go there in order to make his way back. He talks about not believing how he was living.... Unfortunately, some of the ghetto remains in him..This is not a criticism of poverty or those that are unfortunate..I am using ghetto to mean immorality and sordidness,a smelly, ugly, nasty way of living. However, having been there, seems to motivate my H to not ever want to go back there...Does that make sense? He says he has seen a "side of life" that I have not seen and he never wants me to see.

That's why I've been encouraging you not to "go to her level". Your WH is down in that pig sty with her and is continuing to try to find a way back...to YOU, HIS WIFE, A GODDESS, A QUEEN...It's almost comical to me how my FWH always wants to refer to me as "MY WIFE". It's like he always has kept me in that special role although he once felt that he was "in love" with her. What was she? YUCK....

I still say that what your WH is doing now is part of the process..my H pretended like he wanted a D -for years- to appease the FOW who was pressuring him to do this in order to make their R legitimate..he put it off for as long as possible..you know the rest of the story

Your WH doesn't like living there and is trying to find a way to out of his turmoil and confusion....

He is suffering and struggling....GREAT......

Mimi,

Yes WH is 45 yrs old and even he told him mom he thinks he is having MLC...

I guess I can't see what you are seeing becasue I see him trying to find a way to get away from me not come back.

I guess I don't his suffering or struggling either. Maybe its because I am struggling and suffering so much myself.

One thing for sure at least your WH gave you the money you need to live, mine has decided he does not have to now. Thats what makes me feel he is not suffering or struggling at all.... He just does not care.....

What I am seeing is STANDARD WS CONFUSION just like PEP has said to you...

Yes. A large part of him is trying to get away from you.. Remember, he's addicted. He's trying to maintain his HIGH, HIS FIX...

However, it is NOT FEELING AS GOOD AS IT USED TO FEEL.. It's not comfy over there. It's costly. People aren't speaking to him. He can't get his FIX from you...

Believe me, he is struggling. DO you think this is feeling good?

Back later....

I would guess its not feeling all that good for him with no one speaking to him.... he is not even trying to get a fix from me, but at least he did call his sister to get me a message to get a list together, which i have no intention of doing...... But of course she did not call me herself my MIL did. So SIL is blowing his requests off as well...She says she is almost ready to tell him off....

I just can't help but wonder when will it all kick in to him this is not working for him....

Now I'm back...

You said:



I took the money out of the account each month and placed it in my own account. At one point, he got mad and cut me off just like your H...I can't remember the details now...

My H was just as bad as yours Hurting...I don't think we want to get into a contest on whose the worse. My FWH did some BAD things yours has not done YET....

I tell you what. We are still trying to crawl ourselves out of the financial problems that he created for us. I don't want to think about the thousands dollars he wasted and the other thousands of dollars that he spent on HER....

It's just like any other ADDICTION, IMHO...It causes DESTRUCTION... and they have got to HIT BOTTOM before they are motivated to change...

Your H has not reached his bottom yet- he will...

The significance of the midlife crisis thing is this. My H was depressed and used the OW or the drug she produced as his ANTIDEPRESSANT. He said stuff like: "She saved me from committing suicide"... YUCK...

When he was with her, in the pig sty, 24/7, it stopped FEELING GOOD.....

He started FEELING DEPRESSED and she couldn't create that HIGH for him anymore....

I say your WH is struggling to MAINTAIN HIS HIGH.....and he will not be motivated to change until he HITS BOTTOM...

I think it's important to get this..it was important for me to begin understanding this...

AN ADDICT DOES NOT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING BUT MAINTAINING HIS DRUG SUPPLY...

You maybe still there waiting when he FALLS DOWN or maybe you won't..

Mimi,

I am not going anywhere .... I don't see me giving up anytime soon.... I am going to wait as long as humanly possible or at least until I am sure there is no hope.

I know he is not at the bottom yet, but I sure hope he is getting close....

I think and maybe I am wrong but since no one in the family is having anything to do with him it will help him hit bottom quicker. How long can someone live without anything from their family? He will have to realize at some point I would think that OW can't give him all he is losing, home , wife, family and so many more things.

If I had the money thing fixed I would be feeling so much better about all of this....

I found it helpful to not look at it in terms of a TIME FRAME.

I just had FAITH that it would happen..that the A would end, that he would hit his bottom...

Of course, you know I had my down times but folks here encouraged me..

What is also most important is to buy and to understand that ADDICTION PRINCIPLE that I shared. I think it is KEY in your WH's case....

Focus, as you have, on getting stronger yourself so that you can be there for your children..

HE IS LOST AND GONE NOW...All that you can do is to put him into God's hands....

The good thing is that maybe HE will file and like I said before he then will be legally liable for supporting you....

Shows you how confused he is....

I am not trying to put a time frame on anything. Yes I will admit I want it over now but I know it won't be that way...

I understand the addiction thing, I really do.

In a way I wish he would file just so I can be legally protected but I also feel if he does talk to a lawyer and finds out what he will be responsible for it may stop him from doing it.... I just don't know...

I agree with the confusion part for sure. He has no clue what he is doing thats a given.....

I also have no doubt in my mind that OW is pressuring him and has now taken control of the situation. And like a lost puppy he is tagging behind her and doing as she says.... Now that is a scary thought....Talk about manipulation...

Here you describe the ADDICTION. Believe me, the OW knows that she has him HOOKED.....She is the DRUG DEALER...

So the next question is How do you get rid of the drug dealer?

If she has this much influence and power how will someone ever break away from it?

I know there is nothing I can do about it but I really wonder can WH ever be free from it?

The DRUG will start to lose its effect for many different reasons...

For one, she thinks she has him now so she will let her guard down. She will show who she REALLY is and we know the answer to that. She will begin to DEMAND and LOVEBUST..

Secondly, she can't possibly meet all of his Emotional Needs.. He will miss YOU for what you provided to him...

Then, he will pressure her to meet those needs. He will try to make her into you..SHE WILL FAIL..

THEY WILL BEGIN TO ARGUE....

Get the picture?

Who knows how long this will last, though...

It is like a teenage relationship...They may do stuff like "BREAK UP TO MAKE UP"...

Whatever they can do to maintain that FANTASY...YUCK....

BTW, Mr. Wondering on GRAMN's Thread also answers this question, giving the same and different reasons that I did...

Oh I have no doubt she thinks she has won him, and maybe she has who knows.

Just from what few things DD and SIL has told me she is already doing the LB's just by how she talks to him but so far I guess that does not bother him.

As f ar as meeting his EN's the only one of those i have met is the SF one.... I know he has seen changes in me as far as not getting angry and showing him I am willing to listen and talk about his feelings. I have gotten a job something he said he wanted me to do, not the best job but a job. But seems to me according to him she is meeting his needs, thats what he told him mom anyway a few weeks ago. She takes care of him.....

I am trying to figure out how he will try and make her into me. He already says we are a lot alike....

Plus now with him being gone all week and only with her on weekends they don't need the break up make up routine.... The high happens no matter what I am sure..... I know it was that way for us when he was gone like that.... yes eventually it stopped and was comfortable for him to be home... But we both got used to it and then it was not so intoxicating when he came home, we just went abut our routines like normal....

Sad part is I am getting used to him being gone and even though I don't like it, its getting easier to handle.

Maybe I am detaching now and it scares me that I won't want him back if this takes to long. I do love him and want him home but I can now see myself living without him if I have to.

I am referring to the ENs that you were good at meeting in the past....The ENs that you meet that she can't include FAMILY COMMITMENT and DOMESTIC SUPPORT.....She's a HO....



Forget you heard this..you can't believe anything that he says.....


Come on, Hurting.. Give yourself more credit. You have been with your husband all of these years. There's things about him you know that no one else knows....He's missing your special way of doing things..

My H said that he had to do a lot of "teaching" and "sharing" about himself..That's fun in the beginning but I imagine it gets tiresome to have to do this all of the time..We have our special way of doing things. Don't you? The way we fold our towels, the way we do the dishes after eating...See what I mean? They don't have any rituals or traditions that you and him have established over many, many years....

Even though he is on the road, she can never catch up with you in terms of how she can provide for and care for him..

STAY DARK and he will eventually realize this....




You are locking your love away...It's best for you to do that now. You will get stronger and will be able to handle things better if and when he does return. As I have told you before, HE WILL BE A MESS...

If he returns to you, saying he is sorry, ready to get rid of her, your love for him will resurface.....

If and When .... thats the big question........

Stay Dark ...... I have no problem doing that now.....