Hurting:

I am sorry to hear about your dear friend..

I hope you don't take this to mean that I am being insensitive...

I know how painful it is to lose a loved one..

However, I think you need to think of a PLAN to STAY DARK through this...

How about you make a visit to her at the funeral home to say your own goodbyes...

I'm sure that she would understand...does understand...

Mimi,

I thought of that but they are creamating her. I am going to go see her partner tomorrow. I will try and explain to her that I just can't handle seeing WH at this time. So it would not be because of not wanting to show my love and support for her.

I know I should not worry about what people say but wouldn't that make WH think he has scared me away if I don't go to the funeral? I know there would be people who would never understand my not going. but if WH shows up with OW I know I would not be able to handle it....

My staying dark through this would send what kind of message to WH? One that I am insensitve and don't care? Please help me understand.....

I am so confused right now by this all ....

BTW did you see my post about my IC?

hurting...

So sorry for this additional sad news...

If you want to go hurting then go and do what one of the posters suggested some time back....come early, sit in the front and leave last...

I personally think you are stronger than you give yourself credit and you will be able to handle seeing your WH. Besides, I really do feel that at a time like that, our problems are put to the side and the big picture of LIFE is there infront of our face.....you will not think about him much....

Under normal circumstance I would say, no way will your WH show up with OW, but given his actions, who knows....

But if she sat in the car when he went to the bank...maybe she'll sit this one out as well...

Best,
Daisy

daisy,

I am torn as what to do. I am going to have to think about this a lot.

your right wh has pulled some good ones so I would not put it past him and ow to show up together. you would think though common decenacy would prevent that. OW does not really know our friend that well she was just a aquantance to her.

I will make my descsion after this weekend and see what happens.

Dear Hurtin,

I am sorry for the loss of your friend. Loosing friends isn't easy, especially during a tough time like this.

I think you are strong enough you could handle the funeral if you wanted to go. I would not go if you are just going because of what other people might think and gossip about if you don't attend.

I agree with Daisy if you go, that's the way to do it.

Bring lots of kleenex. If you do cry (like me)because you see WH and/or OW everyone will think your crying for your friend.

with love and prayer,
VTY

To be honest I do want to go for my friend. I want to be able to say goodbye.

But I really don't think I can handle seeing WH with or without OW.

seeing him just sets me way back, even if its in passing like the other day when I saw him drive down the road. I just can't do it.

I love my friend and will miss her a lot but I know she knew that and would understand. She was one of the people who gave WH the most ****** about what he has done.

me not going will not change how I feel about her and the sorrow I feel over her passing. I know I can say my goodbyes without being there and she will hear me.

I am not to concerned over what people will say. All of our friends will understand why I didn't come. WH will probably know I didn't show because of him nd think he has me running scared. Well he can think what he wants. Maybe in a way thats true but I know what I can handle and what I can't and I know right now I can't really do it.

Let her partner know that the OW is not invited. U go since you are her friend. I doubt the WS would even show up.

BTW, what the WS said to your daughter (while it has a ring of truth to it), was disrespectful and hurtful. He meant to hurt. In a WS land, it wasn't hurt but in the real world, it was a cruel thing to do to a child who is hurting from a loss of a family friend.

Children see death as a new experience and the hurt they feel is strong paritially because it is new. What he said was not ncessary at this time.

I am angry...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> But I want you and your children to do what will make you feel better for your friend, her family and yours.

Even if at the very worst, the WS shows up, ignoring him will not be hard. Holding your anger w/b harder.

Remember your friend. This is your chance to tell her goodbye.

Hugz,
L.

Thank you Orchid.

Your right what he said to DD was hurtful. I was shocked myself when she told me he said it.

This is her first death to deal with that she can remember.
So it is hard for her.

WH wants to know when the funeral is so he can come. Maybe he won't show but something tells me he will.

I can ignor him but if OW shows with him it will be hard for me to keep from becoming angry.

I would not want to cause a scene at my friends funeral and I will hold it all in the best I can if I go. It will just be so hard.

You know they say God gives you know more than you can handle. I am beginning to wonder how much more he has for me. I am not sure I can handle much more as it is.

I will be glad when this year is over and I an put it behind me. It has been the worst year of my life and I don't care to repeat it.... I hope to have a fresh approach on life in 2006 no matter what happens between my H and me.

Can you give a good reason why the WS would want to come to the furneral of an anti- A friend?

L.

I would say for the same reason he went to the hospital and saw her and babbled about how happy he was.... The last few months have been the happiest he has been in 5 yrs....


Just to make everyone think he has done the right thing and try to legitamize this whole sorrid Affair...

I swear Orchid he tells even complete strangers this crap trying to justify and make it look good. He did it at the bank the other day to the girl in thre and she didn't know him at all. it was when I went and made sure his name was off the account and she was telling me about how proud he acted and told her all about it....

He is still trying to get people to accept it and agree with him. He is solost in the fog right now he does not see how others see him.....

Exposure time. Can you let her partner know he might attend and bring his WS attitude? That w/b offensive to her memory.

L.

Oh yeah I will let her know it could happen....

I am not sure how she would handle it herself. maybe we can find someone to let him OW is not welcome...

That would be the best thing. I am sure someone would be willing to do it..... No one will appreciate it for sure and most would feel uncomfortable with him and her there.

Let her decide and be the supportive friend (this means if she feels it w/b best for you not to come, you'd understand or if she wants you there despite it all, then go). Remember this is for her family.

IMHO, the WS s/b told not to come. Though your H w/b welcomed. But that's JMHO.

L.

Orchid,

I am going to see her tomorrow and talk to her and get a feel. I don't want to upset her and drag my problems into what she is dealing with.

I would not ask for my H not be allowed to come at all. I just wish somehow it could be made clear that OW not be there.

But I will make the descsion on what my friend says tomorrow. if its just to much for her to deal with this and i am sure it will be.. I will not go. I will not allow my problem to become part of this sad time for her and the family.

I will continue to take the high road. If WH shows up with OW at least I won't be there to see it. He can look the fool and he will...

My thoughts were for her or a family rep to call the Xws and mention that the H side of him is welcomed but not the WS side. Yea, that's hard to say but better t/b blunt than embaressed. OW is not a family friend.

Taking the high road does have it's price to pay. Your friendship is not in question here. His is.

Do what is best for your friend. I know you will.

We w/b here for you and your family.

Hugz,
L.

Hurting:

I don't want you to think that I am unfeeling. I've certainly had my share of losses over the past year and understand the pain that you are feeling over the death of your friend.

I am purely focusing on the logistics and purposes of PLAN B.

Staying Dark is necessary so that he cannot get a "fix" from the SIGHT of you. The SIGHT of you relieves some of the suffering he has from MISSING you. WE WANT HIM TO CONTINUE TO SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS.....

I doubt that he will bring the OW to the funeral.

I predict that he will want to sit with you there or either he will not show up.

If you feel the need to go, you can follow a suggestion that ark gave to another poster..

Have your friends/family crowd around you so that he cannot see you (that would be best) or can only catch a glimpse of you...then swiftly make your exit....

If you don't go, let him guess as to why you did not..You should have already made it clear in your PLAN B letter that you don't want to see him until he is rid of the OW. If he was smart about this, which he is not, he could refer back to the letter...

Take Care, Hurting....

IMHO - You shouldn't trouble your friend at this time with explaining why or why not you may or may not be at the funeral.

I see you have a couple options.

Option #1 - If you feel the need to attend the funeral, walk in at the very last minute and have a seat in the back, leave as soon as the service is over. Your attendance is remembered by signing the book and in a written note in a sympathy card.

Option #2 - Don't go. Go visit your friend today (without mention of WH) and send her a card with a written message.

Your friend will need your friendship more in the weeks and months to come. Follow up with a visit in a week or so.

.

I thought about this last night after I went to bed. I have decided not to go to the funeral.

I am going to see my friend today. I will give her my condolences and do w hat I can for her. I will not talk to her about my not coming or WH. As I feel she does not need the added stress.

I will let her know after the funeral why I didn't come and but let her know I am here for her if she needs me. I lknow she will understand.

Mimi I thought about exactlly what you said the WH may try to engage me at the funeral or even want to sit with me. Seeing how he will be served tomorrow I think not being there will be the best thing. He may still have anger and I don't want anything to happen or be said to cause a scene.

As far as him missing me I don't believe that is happening. I think he is happy about the way things are going. Not seeing me or speaking to me is relieving some of his guilt if he even has any.

So even though I feel bad about not going to the funeral I feel its in the best interest of everyone if I stay away. My friend knows I loved her and will miss her. Her partner knows this too and will understand.

Edited to say: My next contact with WH will Dec. 9 for court.. So I have a little over a month to get prepared for this day with my emotions...

((((hurting))))
I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. Do what you need to do for your grieving. I understand that you don't want to see your WH at the funeral. Only you can choose what will bring you comfort. What would you do if you weren't afraid of seeing WH? You can express your condolences and miss the service, but do YOU need to be there for your grieving process? Will this be something you hold against WH? "I couldn't go to MY friends funeral because of YOU?" Its your choice to go or not. You've been going through so much.
What about your DD? Will she be going to the funeral? Will she need you to support her there?

Hurting:

I agree with your thought process on this...

Having gone to two funerals of my loved ones over the past year, the actual funeral was more in their honor but did not necessarily help ME with the grieving process...

What was most important to me was having said my goodbyes to them..and it seems like you can always hold in your memory that hospital visit that you made to your friend...

In my view, she is in a better place...

We are left here to struggle through this life...

As happily as possible, of course...

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