Keep it simple, here are my ideas:

1. Explain how you have noticed a difference between their father as a H vs a WS. Yea, give them the MB terms. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

2. Let them know you have seen differences with him as their father vs a ws.

3. Ask what changes they have seen. Listen carefully.

4. Acknowledge the ones where you agree. Once it is established you all see the WS vs the H/Father (single entity that H/father character), then ask for ideas on how to bring out the H/father character. Strategize. (sp???)

5. Help them understand (together) why you went to plan B. Ask them what plans do they need to cope.

6. Show how together as a family, your family's stance will withstand all WS' and their hurtful antics. Go over some of his actions and how it has hurt the family.

7. End with everyone agreeing to a plan and ask them to think about developing a plan of action so all are prepared.

8. Arrange for your next meeting.

9. Reassure them of your love and commitment to your family. Ask for theirs.

JMHO,
L.

orchid,

Thanks for the ideas. I will do just that. But as we know DD is determined to maintain whatever relationship she can no matter what good or bad.. But I will try this....

Hi Hurting,

I think Orchid has some good pointers there, and ones that I could use here too! It will be difficult and might feel uncomfortable at first, but it sounds healthier than not saying anything at all, which is what I tend to do, and not get my teen involved with our mess as a marriage.

We have always been a quiet family, so talking things out isn't easy. We usually don't have family meetings, just talk at the need arises. I wish we had been good at communicating and problem solving in our relationships, but there was such a dysfunctional background, it's been a slow process learning the right ways to communicating and new ways of approaching things. And having a passive, conflict avoidant H doesn't help! I wish we had a coach that lived right here in the house that could guide us through everything and "show" us how it is done.

I have learned new ways, but so much more to learn.

Lady

Hurting, My son made a new friend. He spent the night last night. He's from New Orleans. His family lost everything. His dad found a job here so they moved here.
This boy has never saw snow before. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> It has been snowing since yesterday, and he is freezing. He has no coat, just a jacket, and his sneakers. He seems like a nice boy. I don't know him that well yet, but it shows these famalies from New Orleans are moving all over the USA. What a sad thing to happen to them, and it wasn't the hurricanes fault. The levy was never built to handle a hurricane of that magnitude, like it should have been.
New Orleans leaders should have had that levy rebuilt stronger a long time ago. They could have, but they didn't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Lady

Well I have made a descion and I am going to tell eveyone here. I have decided not to let the kids know about it but I will when the time is right.

I have decided that if/when WH does divorce me, that I will relocate to where my family lives in Virginia. I will wait until school is out and go in the early summer if everything here is settled.

I decided that if we get divorced I just can't live here with runnign into him and OW. I think it would be best for me and DS a new start in a new place. WH will know where we are in case he ever gets his head out of his butt, but I don't see that happening...

I just found out today that OW has now gotten my WH a car for Christmas. Its not new but its a 89 Lincoln Towncar... This had been my dream car for years and I never had the chance to have one, now the OW has gotten him one. Sounds to me like the relationship is pretty sealed. It seems to me its over and nothing I can do about it. Now she is buying him. So thats why I think leaving here and moving 1400 miles away will the best for me. To many memories and chances of running into them. I think being around my own family will do me a world of good.

I am beginning to believe WH is lost for good..... And it breaks my heart

Oh no, too early to give up. WH is not lost for good. In fact, her buying him a car is a good sign. She is getting desperate.

It takes several months of Plan B for things to happen. I know how hard it is, but tuck away and protect that love.

oklahoma

if she's trying to buy him...she must be cheap! i mean how much can a car that's almost 7 years old cost? Don't let it worry you!!

Believer, Eav,

I just don't know what to think anymore. Go you really think he would walk away from her if she is buying things like that?

Makes me wonder what he is going to buy for her.

You know Iwas telling my mom about him saying he saw no problem with paying me the spousal support requested. She said well maybe deep down inside he would rather you have it then OW. I just have a hard time thinking that , I think he will agree to anything right now just to keep me from causing him problems.....

I am so confused now, she buys him a car... whats next a diamond ring???????

I just found out today that OW has now gotten my WH a car for Christmas.

Hi Hurting, who told you that?

I wouldn't let it get to you, it may be rumor to get you upset again.

Huggs,
Lady

Nope no rumor DS rode in it today and OW told him she bought it...... And WH said she did for Christmas .....

It just hurts me he got the car I have been wanting for year and I never got and now look ......

Hurting, I'm sorry to hear that too....another blow! But, maybe she is just trying to buy him...I hope the car breaks down and is non-fixable! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />


Lady

lady,

I hope so to ...... This whole thing is getting out of control.... I just feel like its never going to end.....

With the children telling you everything makes it so much harder I know. They don't understand it's killing you to hear this stuff. But it's gonna be alright Hurting. Let it go! Ask God to take this one too! And I will ask him to too.

Love and Prayers,
Lady

Lady,

I am trying to let it go it just hurts so much. I just can't see how this is ever going to end, with her buying him things like this. To me it just makes things so much more permanent for them. Its like they are a real couple and I don't exsist anymore to him....

I just can't believe our lives together meant nothing anymore. Half of my life wiped out in an blink of an eye... I just don't know how much more I can take. And to think I have to face him in a few days in court. I just don't know if I can do it.....

Wait a minute, a car? I thought this woman lives in low income housing? Where'd she get the money for a car? This stinks to the high heavens. I would definitely find out if she is in low income housing and report that WH is living there and that she had the money to buy him this car!

BB

Hold on Hurting. I agree with Believer - OW is getting desperate. Buying him a different car, won't keep him there. And, apparently he made it known that he likes that model of car (one that you said you both wanted), so he's still thinking of what the two of you had dreams of.

Also, WTH - Low income housing and she can afford to buy a different car. I'm certain being that old, it wasn't very expensive, but still. Have you had time to research who is in charge of the apartments where she's living. They would certianly like to know that she is housing you employed WH and has been for several months. Get on that one. Again - poetic justice.

Also, "thinking" you have decided to move after the D (if there is one), is ok, but I know you're smart enough to realize that you don't make decisions like that when you're in the middle of a crisis.

I am still trying to find out about the housing thing. I have been working some much the last few days I have not had the time to find out. I am off work Tuesday and I am going to find out for sure then. I will drive out there and check it out.

As far a the moving thing goes I had been thinking about it before this car thing and thats only if we divorce.

Yes the car is a dream we both had together. I know its an older car but its still the one we both have wanted for years. It's like he got one just to stick another knife in my heart.

But I do have one question and I thought of it last night after I went to bed. If she got him this car and its in his name dosn't that make it marital asccets since we are married? Won't that make it part of our total asccets if we divorce? I'm not sure how that works. I will be letting my attorney know about it tomorrow.....

Don't give up Hurting. I Have been following your thread and it is so similar to mine. I know sometimes it feels like a losing battle but it will be worth it in the long run.
You have been through to much now to give up the fight!!!
I think he might be facing a little more reality when you go to court.
Hang in there.

I am trying to hang in there but it seems like something new every weekend that just sends me into a tailspin.

I know logically this car does not mean he can't walk away from her but it makes it easier to stay if he gets what he wants.

I just don't know what to think anymore. I feel like I am just an after thought now and mean nothing. He will pay his money in CS and spousal support and continue on with all of this. As long as I don't make waves life will be ok for him. I fell like planb has put me outta sight outta mind.

God I hate this .....

She may have bought the car, but I'll bet he pays for it.

After all, didn't she use to have a "sugar daddy" who was making HER car payments?