Ask Me

Yes, I am in South Carolina. I just want to say that I found your advice most helpful and I will follow your advice. Unfortunately most people on here want to make me feel "guilty" for what I've done. That's not how to change someone or even help them for that matter. I really respect you for going through this and coming out the other side on a positive note. It gives me hope and courage that I too, can fix my life. Thanks for your help and I will continue to correspond with you on my progress.

sk..

we are not asking you to own up...

we are asking you to believe in yourself....

until you do........and no ones saying throw a switch and there you will be...

we are saying step by step...thought by thought action by action...

you can change....

it's the greatest message on this earth...

the choice to believe in YOU...

worthy of all that is good inspite of all that has gone on in the past.....

worthy of you...

worthy of a good life in which you thrive........

people turn adversity whether imposed on to them or self created around all the time....................

we cling to the known and the past because change is hard and scary and has many failings along the way......

but none of your past HAS to define who you are....
only if you let it does it...

ARK

Well Ark, that is true but unfortunately most of the people on here did want me to "own up" to my actions and tried to put a guilt trip on me. I was asking for constructive advice and I did receive wonderful help from another member. Thank you for your post.

Definition of...

manipulate: to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose.

Melody - Have a Pepsi, please! You're being baited. DustKitty is BAAAAAAACK!!!

The biggest thing that stands out to me in your post is 2 kids. I guess coming from a divorced family I always ask the question can the marriage be saved? I think of family gatherings that are missed during holidays and all the other times that kids are unable to enjoy. But on the other hand kids have to live in a safe environment.

Let me throw out something to think about. You have mentioned your mother and father and their emotional states growing up. At this point in your life how do you feel the current dysfunction in your family will affect your children? Do you think there is probably an emotional disconnect currently taking place in the family?

The reason I ask those questions is because usually what takes place in the past is usually propogated in the future families. People think they can rid themselves of the past, but it follows them into the future unless the take some very bold and definite actions to change.

So we are back to change. My question would be what drastic event needs to take place for change to happen in your life? What will it take for you to stop being the WS and stop all the affairs? For me I had a very, very significant event take place that scared the ****** out of me. Is that what you need? Believe me, you don't want to take things that far, but it will make you stop and think.

I know people asked about the medication. I know meds are no fun. But sometimes finding just the right medication can be helpful. Finding the right diagnosis can be helpful. Mine they kept saying anxiety, but it was an OCD anxiety and that had to be treated a specific way. So I not pushing the medicines, I just making sure you have given them a chance.

Ask questions, and listen to answers even if you don't like the answers. Again, take the good parts that help you. People offer all kinds of suggestions, some fit, some don't. Ok, so keep reading, keep writing.

I'm not sure who "Dustkitty" is but I don't know this person. I am not this "dustkitty"

SC - Sure you're not - you just enjoy baiting people; you come on a marriage building site and bash marriage; you tout double speak that a WHOLE group of college students would be proud to own as their own skill.

Sure, you're not dustkitty... I believe you... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Askme:
Oh definately! There's major emotional disconnect going on in the family. My husband is a wonderful father and husband and is emotionally available but he unfortunately picked a wife who is not and is emotionally disconnected and distant. My entire family growing up was this way. I do not speak to my mother and my father is dead. I also do not speak to my grandparents who helped raise me. They continue to play "games" and try to make me out to be the bad guy for stuff that I have no business being made out to be the bad guy for. I have trouble emotionally connecting with all my kids (I have four by the way 2 daughters and 2 sons and the daughters both live with the dads) When I was growing up we had major dysfunction and it has continued into my adult life. I have been on meds but the side effects were not good and I was told by someone that herbal supplements would have the same effect without all the side effects of drugs so I have tried the herbal remedy but maybe it's not working. I think your ideas are good. I don't know what it will take to "wake me up". I do feel bad for doing this to my kids but ironically not to my husband. I don't understand that. Maybe I just don't have a conscience or "moral values" (as some of the people on here would say) or I don't have respect for marriage. Who knows? I'm curious to know what the thing was that woke you up? I did have something happen to me about 7 years ago that gave me a jolt and I was on the road to recovery but somewhere along the way I fell off the wagon so to speak. I appreciate your advice and help. Thanks!

????????? I'm sorry how am I baiting people? I'm not understanding that statement. What is a "dustkitty"?

It is worth repeating:



Also this:
The definition insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I believe you have the power within you to create positive change in your life and not live within the failures in your path. You can have a happier future.

The first step on the journey of faith is to recognize that everything is moving onward to something else, inside us and outside.... We see that a self-image we've been holding doesn't need to define us forever, the next step is not the last step, what life was is not what it is now, and certainly not what it might yet be.

I am glad Askme is helping you.

Bipolar is periods of mania followed by periods of depression. The mania can be a high which can include anger as the mania starts to fall into the depression. I guess you have been told all of that and I guess that is probably how you have felt or you wouldn't describe yourself as bipolar. Do you know how often your mania to depression cycle occurs? For some people it can be daily, others weekly. The cycle of mania to depression has a big effect on how you feel and react to situations.

Herbal treatments, there are some that work, but they also have to be incorportated with healthy eating, and a good lifestyle of living that includes proper exercise, sleep, and stress reduction. I'm guessing a few of those elements are missing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I know in my affairs sleep was lacking and stress was high.

You asked about my significant event, I'll jus say that it was God's intervention. It only lasted for two days. In those two days I thought I was going to loose my freedom, my finances, my job, and my family. But as a result I accepted my problem 100%, and in the end nothing happened. I'm not sure why things happened in the first place other than as I said, it was God intervening in my life to stop my series of affairs. Maybe I can share the details offline sometime.

And you do have moral values and a conscience or you would not even be weighing any of the impact. Something is keeping you here, even if you are in disagreement with others you are here.

I wish I could lay things out step 1, 2, 3....I would be a millionare if I could. These problems take patience and a willingness to keep working.

The family dysfunction you mentioned. If you are not talking to all the members of the family you mentioned, then there are a lot of layers of problems to peel back. You don't need your parents or your grandparents to change, they may not even be able to change. The question you have to ask is can you change, are you willing to change, do you want to change? If you are then there is hope.

This quote really bothered me....



When you decided to have children....it stopped being about YOU! I realize you have some issues to deal with however, it is extremely self centered to believe your children will be fine and happy if you leave them. By leaving your children you are telling them they aren't worth it. Do you have any idea what kind of serious damage it can do to children when their mother abandons them? !!! They aren't adults...and cannot understand your rationale for leaving. They ONLY view it as a reflection of themselves.

Whether you want to save your marriage has nothing to do with being a mom to your kids.

For you to think your leaving your children "out of love" for them is bullsh!t, if you really loved them you would do the work on yourself to be the mom they so desperately need.

Rachel

If you wait for feelings to motivate you will get no where..

feelings are fleeting and deceptive....

we do not act noble because we feel noble....we act noble because we know it is right...

if firemen and paramedics acted on their feelings no one would rush in to a burning building...for the feeling is a paralyzing fear....
so they act inspite of the fear...

this has NOTHING to do with how you feel about your husband, your children or anything else...

this has to do with small steps and actions...

are you in contact with the OM
are you in contact with your children that is consistant...

what is your PLAN??

ark

Ok so which is the lesser of two evils here? Actual physical abandonment or emotional abandonment? Hmmmmmm. I don't know. I grew up with a mother who was there physically but not emotionally and quite often I wish she would've just given me up for adoption rather than "raise" me. Again, putting a "guilt" trip on me is not going to motivate me to change. I am on here for answers because obviously there's something inside me that keeps me on here though I don't have a clue of what it is. I appreciate your post.

Yes, I still talk to the OM although I think he's an idiot for sticking with this because I don't think I'm capable of any emotional attachment at this time with anyone (kids, husband, lover, etc) Yes, I have contact with my two daughters and my sons live with me and my husband. I came on this website for constructive advice on what to do. Thanks for your post!

Gosh, do I go with physical or emotional abandonment? I had both.....hmmmm. I was always seeking a father, always devastated by not having a father at the father son events, always felt like I didn't know how to be a man because I never had a father, never felt totally masculine because I didn't have a father (although no one would say I wasn't anything but masculine), never felt secure because I didn't have a father, was always abandoned at home because there was not father present. Physical abandonment made life rather tough. Emotional abandonment, at least I was cared for, had food, had a roof over my head, but past that I took care of myself, took care of my brother and help raised him, kept the house clean and cooked the meals, did the laundry, ran the errands, but had someone at times to do things with. I think the physical abandonment was the worst. Emotional does leave it's scars that I have had to deal with, but I have had some deep trauma from not having a father in my life.

The family dysfunction you mentioned. If you are not talking to all the members of the family you mentioned, then there are a lot of layers of problems to peel back. You don't need your parents or your grandparents to change, they may not even be able to change. The question you have to ask is can you change, are you willing to change, do you want to change? If you are then there is hope

Yeah there are a lot of problems with my family of origin. I was advised by one of my counselors to break off contact with them because they were contributing to my destruction. I think that I'm willing to change but it seems that I can never follow through to the end. I get to a certain point and then I backslide into my old habits and thought patterns. Do I want to change? I think a part me does but the other part gives up or something. I don't know. I realize I'm hurting my kids. And just for the record, and I'm sure you know this, the things that I have said about my past and family aren't meant to be excuses. I realize I "chose" to do all of this. But without knowing why you do something it's kind of hard to change. Knowledge is power as they say. I'm not excusing my behavior I'm just stating the things that I've discovered.

I guess the sad part is that there is another generation growing up with a parent that isn't there emotionally or physically.

Another generation that in 10 - 20 years (don't know how old the kitty's kids are) can repeat the pattern.

Here's the most constructive advice I can give you:
Just stop doing what you're doing.
Put your kids first.
Decide what moral path you would like your KIDS to follow, then lead them.

Or don't.

So...you would've preferred him to stay even though he was not the best father. What if you did have a good role model who was not your father in your life? Do you think you would've felt differently about the father thing? I screwed up my eldest daughter's life (she's 16) and my 8-year-old daughter has a hard time connecting to me. I'm not saying that I couldn't change I'm saying that in the meantime while I'm so screwed up could there be a "replacement" for me who could fill that role. I'm scared of my kids becoming like me and I know if I stay around there's a good chance of that happening and they will come to resent me for it. But until I get my act together I'm still showing them unhealthy habits and actions.