Cherished,
Actually as of the last I'd say 3 weeks to a month he has been makeing great strides to try to improve his behavior. I call this the "Oh [censored]" phase. He is saying bye before he hangs up or leaves, giving hugs with out asking, and not ignoreing me when I talk to him. We are still working on his time on the computer, and other areas, however this is more effort then I have seen in years. it came about with the whole dog thing, he said he would divorce me if I got a dog, and I said that was fine, and meant it- so he made a POJA with me that we would hold off on the dog for now, and work on the marriage, then in the spring we will either get a mutual divorce or a dog (sounds strange huh!?!) however there are stipulations attached, on things he must do and I must do. He has been holding up his end now for 3 weeks, which is impressive.

KMEJ,

NO WAY am I letting you off that easy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

That wasn't a list! Your answer wasn't even about you, it was about him!!!

KMEJ, months ago you posted a dream you had. I'm remembering it was all about your fear that your H would leave you, end up with OW, and be happy. Fear is keeping you from moving forward. Is there a way you can go to IC and begin to face what is happening in your life? K, remember, you did live without your H when he was with OW. I know you think he's trying, yet at the same time you say he's distant and there is nothing physical happening either. Am I remembering that right? So what is it?

K, you really don't even know the difference between healthy and unhealthy. Any little crumb your H gives you you lap it up. I am not condemning you. I truly feel for you.

I have never understood on MB, even when the FWS is not abusive like your H, why the BS allows the FWS to run the show. The FWS says they refuse to go to MC, so they don't go to MC. What's that about? What have you and your H done to recover from his A? I'll give you examples from our recovering M. After d-day H immediately began IC and went for about a year. We talked to Steve Harley on and off for about 10 months. We then began MC and have been going since 2/05. We went to a MB weekend in 3/05 and now have committed to really working the program. We have talked extensively about the A and how H didn't protect himself and us. We're still not done cleaning out the wound. And I can honestly say after all of that recovery is still hard as he**.

A M doesn't just recover without effort. So tell me, what has your H done to help you heal and feel safe again? And what have the 2 of you done together to heal your M? I'll respond back after you answer those questions. CV

I believe I can see the future
As I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now i never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around again

Oh, no

Everyday is exactly the same
Everyday is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Everyday is exactly the same

I can feel thier eyes are watching
In case I loose myself again

Sometimes I think I'm happy here
Sometimes, yet I still pretend
I can't remember how this got started
But I can tell you exactly how it will end

Everyday is exactly the same
Everyday is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Everyday is exactly the same

I'm writing on a little piece of paper
I'm hoping someday you might find
I'll hide it behind something
They won't look behind
I am still inside here
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could have been any other way
But I just don't know- I don't know what else I can do!

Everyday is exactly the same
Everyday is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Everyday is exactly the same

EVERYDAY IS EXACTLY THE SAME
NINE INCH MAILS

KMEJ, please go find yourself a counselor.
GC

KMEJ,

Have you ever noticed if you have been outside in the cold for a long time--even luke warm water can seem really hot?



This is NOT committed behavior, this is NOT caring behavior: this is a MINIMUM behavior. (Any husband who complains that he has to pick up medicine for his sick kids on the way home from a night out--is not worthy of being welcomed home!!! )

Have you ever heard the saying "we cant change people, but they can change themselves." You cant change your H, but you can change your own standards of what is acceptable and he can choose to adap. But this will only come if you focus on setting high and healthy standards--please dont fall into the trap of identifying non-abusive minimum behavior as caring and committed.

My thoughts are with you. Hang in there KMEJ!

I see where you all are coming from, however he has to start somewhere doesn't he? Yesterday I got home from work to find a package on my front stoop- H had sent me FLOWERS he has not done that in years (like at LEAST 5 years) and the card read
I Love you
iIt's that simple
and that wonderful
Love Me

however he is pretending that he did not send them and will not take the credit for it. THey are not on are Credit Card statement, so I can not prove they ARE from him, however he is not being jealous mad trying to figure out who else could have sent them, so they must be. I just do not understand why he does not take the credit and say your welcome. I am happy with my pink and white roses- they look beautiful.

Yeah KMEJ, everything is perfectly wonderful. Flowers. Yep, eveything's alright now.

hey bob- when did I say that? Oh wait I did not- I was just saying that he actually sent me flowers, that is not the norm. I am very happy to have them- however it left me wondering WHY- what did he do that he felt he needed me side tracked by sending flowers? DId he talk to OW, exchange numbers again when he saw her, what, what did he do.... so no bob I did not say or mean to imply that everything is fine.

KMEJ, you didn't reply to my post. What have you and your H done to recover from his A? What has he done to help you heal and feel safe again? K, he sends you flowers and you question his motives. C'mon, what is that about? You don't trust your H. And if he gave you flowers why the secrecy? It seems like you both are living in one big game. The problem is who are the winners here? You continue to be in enormous pain. Who knows what your children are experiencing in this mess. Maybe your H is the winner of something here. Get help KMEJ! Just do it! What are you afraid of regarding getting help for yourself? CV

Flowers wow!! It must feel really good to have the person who has hurt you so much finally show a gesture of love!!

I was concerned that my comments about your H would put you on the defense. Of course you have feelings for him and are going to want to defend him and your relationship when people attack it. And as you said, he has to start somewhere, right?

The hard part is that for abusive situations, the "somewhere" is usually in a professional counseling program. As I am sure you know, how we treat other people, especially those we love, is not learned over night but from our role models throughout our childhood and into adulthood...patterns learned over so long cannot be broken over night--so obviously your H cannot just snap out of his control behavior and suddenly "realize" his way out of it.

It sounds like you know that--but it can be easy to forget when you have been waiting on love. I dont know you, obviously, I am just some stranger typing in words from the other side of a screen--but I recognze in your posts that you are a woman of value who is full of love for her boys and wants to better herself--and who seems to have some spitfire to do it (signing up for school despite the odds, getting her own job despite the barriers).

These flowers were a compliment(albeit a dysfunctional one--why cant he just openly show you appreciation??)--IMHO--just let them make you feel good for a moment and leave it at that. Please dont let them get you off track....prevent you from thinking you need to sign up for a counseling program, read about emotionally abusive situations etc....

BTW, did you look at that second site I listed? Do you have access to an IC? What does your H say about attending an IC/anger management therapy??

He gave you flowers yet still made it a mental game.

I see nothing postive about that AT ALL.