Alot of the feedback here, though, is based on folks' own personal opinions.

What would be recommended by MarriageBuilders?

I still say, if in PLAN A, he needs to be there...

He sounds no different than any other WH...

I believe he should not be.

I believe you need as much clarity and sanity and peace right now. I had a very difficult pregnancy and at the end, my bp shot waaaaay up and I stayed in the hospital for a good long while.

I don't think a man causing you pain and stress already is somebody belonging to be there to be a supposed "support" for you in the hospital.

I think he should be treated as a WS.

I think also now is a great time to begin plan B. And you can tell him he is not welcomed in the delivery room unless he is wanting NC with OW. I would also make it clear in b letter that you will do what you can and that includes protecting your baby from selfish selfish behavior He is showing.

I think this could be a good fog clearing for him.

I would also remind myself if he did not do something to change this, then you are even more deserving of the peace and clarity right now.

Your health and health of baby is more important.

I'd write in the pbletter something like this..."Dear H., I am almost unable to write this letter as it is so upsetting to me. However, in the light of your current choices and your extramarital affair, I am informing you that I do not wish you to be in the hospital when I give birth and that I will be notfying the nurses' station that you are not to be allowed in the room. The stress and pain this affair has caused me is not healthy for me to undergo anymore and I will not allow this to harm our child either. Thus, I am saying that until if and when you end this affair, I can no longer see or speak to you.

Then I'd write traditional plan B stuff in...but he needs to get it. I would cut off ties and do B b/c it is healthier and safer for you as well. You need to focus on being there for the baby.

I think I will also nominate this guy for ahole of the MB year.

His sense of entitlement should be yanked hitherto. He is not a father when he is a WS. My vote is no and I gave the why.

kloe
Your situation sounds very similiar to mine. I haven't heard from many people that were pregnant with their WS child when they found out about the A. How long had the A went on in your case? My WH stands firm that it started shortly after I found out I was pregnant around May sometime. This doesn't ring true to me because of the short time period before I found out at the end of July. He seems very deep into the A although the only early signs that I can look back now and see (like starting arguements, driving around for long periods, less concerned with my opinion, ect.) are in the summer. I just can't believe that he would be willing to throw his family, home, close friends away for someone that he had been seeing a couple of months. The OW in my case was also married with 3 children, 25 years old, no education, pursed my H. I'm a 35 year old teacher and we waited to have a child until we were in our late 20's and established in our careers. He also seems to be enjoying his freedom and running around with single guys with no responsiblities. He did a 360 degree turn when I discovered the A.

He is saying he wants to be home for when I go into labor but has made no mention of ending the A or working on our M when I have brought them up. I, of course, don't want him back in our house under those painful conditions. Does this sound anything like your WH or was he more willing to work on your M?

It seems like everytime I think I have him figured out, I change my mind. I think he MUST be in love with the OW. Then I decide by his behavior that he is wanting freedom and the single life and her on the side. Then I see that he misses his family and might have a morsel of regret. Then he fades off again to someone I can't even recognize. Wish I just knew what his deal was. It would make moving forward easier I think.

Thanks for your advise.

MWC

Wish I just knew what his deal was. It would make moving forward easier I think.

You have GOT to shift your thought processes from what he wants or is doing to what YOU want or WANT to do...

you have got to quit focusing on him and focus on you.......

picture in your head delivery with him there...
picture in your head delivery with out him there...

FOCUS ONLY ON YOU AND YOUR NEEDS AND YOUR REACTIONS

and then decide from there....

he himslef has taken his FEELINGS out of the equasion..
time for you to do the same.......

but time is fleeting ..

ARK

I agree with ARK...

You will not be able to FIGURE him out...

He is not "IN LOVE" with the OW...

He is following the standard WS way of thinking...drug-based, lustful, self-focused, temporarily insane, ILLOGICAL....

This is not even .02 worth necessarily, but if it were me and I were still in Plan A, I would ask him to be with me for the delivery, invite him to stay as much time with me and the baby as he wanted in the hospital, ask him to drive us home, then hand him a Plan B letter as I walked in the door of the house afterward.

A PBL could be very effective right now, but, depending on your WH, could have an even greater impact if he has gotten a small taste of life as daddy to a new son.

Having said that, if you don't want him in the room don't have him there. It really is all about you.

My H's PA started right about the time I got pregnant. That explained the weird response I got when I told him I was pregnant <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Although the emotional part was going on before that. It was with a co-worker that he worked with for years. I actually meet her years ago at her daughters softball game when her team was playing my nieces team. We also waited until we were financially stable to start a family.

In our case my H didn't jump 100% in with OW and turn his back to me totally. He was very conflicted, he knew what he was doing was wrong but was hurting so bad and didn't know how to go back. During the time he was gone and seeing OW, he called, e-mailed and visited me all the time. I went on with my life and lots of times he felt VERY left out. I remember talking to him about how I was going to figure out how to put the crib gether and he sent me an e-mail that said "just because I'm not there doesn't mean I can't help out. I'll put the crib together." I showed him I wasn't waiting for him. If he wanted to join me fine but I life was not going to stop just because he wasn't there. We took the child birth classes together, BUT I knew I could always change my mind and tell him he couldn't be there. His sister was willing to be there for me and he knew that.

He started getting very worried at the end that I would go into labor alone and asked to come back just for that. I was so conflicted at the time, I was scared and alone, but somehow I managed to hold out until he said he wanted to work in the M and then I let him come home. That was the touch of reality that he needed.

I couldn't stand living with him while he was in the A. When he moved out it was actually a relief. Slowly I was able to start to function again, you know eating & sleeping. You don't need the stress of a WS living with you. I know it must be tempting but think of that pain. You are worth more then this, hold out for the real thing. Arrange to have a family member or friend stay with you during the last week.

In your case I would be open and honest with your WH and tell him you don't know if you will let him be in the delivery room. You've been through this before, you know how hard it is. Ask him if he has thought about being a part time parent to a newborn. What is his plan? Try to force him back to reality with out LBing. Has he thought about the holidays? He will not be welcome to your families celebration and since you will be a nursing mother the baby HAS to be with you.

Be strong with your boundaries and what you need. You are 9 months pregnant, right now it is all about you and your needs, for the health and safety of you and the baby. I would put the whole Plan A/B thing on hold right now and focus solely on you, the baby and your other child. I always told myself I wouldn't make any decisions until the baby was born, I guess how H reacted to his child and our situation at that point was the make or break point for me. Focus on YOU and YOUR NEEDS not WH's and see what decision you make.

We are all here for you. I'll check back, let me know if you have any other questions and I'll be happy to help if I can.

OK, I'll admit, these discussions always get to me.

First of all, the presence of the father in the delivery room is not an ancient, time-honored right. It's a custom that goes back ONLY FORTY YEARS. It was a movement born in the sixties. My own father was in the waiting room when all his half-dozen children were born -- and that was well into the sixties, in fact. And he was a great dad, who bonded with all of us. Let's not confuse this modernday custom with ancient privilege.

Secondly, I go nuts when MBers try to manipulate the birth of a child into bonding, marriage restoration, and the marginalization of the OW. Please do not use this event as a tool to manipulate others and to get WH back. It's far too serious for that. And it could easily backfire. Your WH wouldn't be the first to dash from the delivery room to phone OW to reassure her. How would you feel about that? Do you really need that extra stressor in your delivery? He is unstable and unreliable at a time you need great support.

For me, anyway, childbirth was a time of great vulnerability. I was not looking my best, I was not "sexy," I was in great pain. I wouldn't want to share that vulnerability with those who were not committed to me, and my family. I certainly wouldn't want to share my blood, my pain, my physical anguish, my mortality with someone who was having sexual fantasies about someone else in a negligee.

While childbirth is a happy event -- it is also an event of great physical trauma and pain, with great risk.

Please surround yourself with those who are committed to you, and love you, and will be with you for the long haul.

If WH needs to know the length and weight of the baby, he can call in to the hospital staff. This isn't "punishing" him, it's protecting yourself from having your memories of childbirth laced with searing emotional pain. Later "bonding" will be up to him. My father worked with it fine -- as did all fathers up till the 1960s.

I get the feeling this isn't the answer you want to hear.

You're a devious woman, Neak. I've known it for years. I wouldn't have thought of that angle, myself, but I like it.

t&l

This is the very kind of manipulation that I would warn marriedwithchildren against.

The birth of a new human being is far too important and emotionally shattering for these kinds of games.

Well, you've gotten a lot of different, and differing opinions on this. How could it possibly hurt to get one more? I've seen births become incredibly bonding moments for new parents. I've seen daddies so drunk they can't look out of both eyes at the same time, and still walk straight. I've seen men weep uncontrollably with joy, and others who sleep right through the whole thing. I've seen men behave in the most unpredictable and unexpected fashions, some good, some not. I don't think anybody, not even you (who know your own situation better than any of us here), could say exactly at this point whether or not this would be a good thing for you. To a certain extent, whatever choice you make is going to be a crapshoot, the outcome not guaranteed to be satsifactory.

So, just 2 things from me. (1) Remember that whatever choice you make is irrevocable, once the birth is over. You won't be able to have a second "take", if it turns out you wanted to do it the other way after all...so make sure you're choosing what YOU really want to do. (2) If you choose to bar your husband from the delivery, tell your nurse right away what you want, and who is to be allowed in to see you. If you choose to be anonymous, the hospital is legally forbidden from even acknowledging your presence in the facility, to people who ask for you by name. Your nurse is your advocate, and once she knows that your husband is not allowed in your room, it then becomes her responsibility to see that your wishes are carried out. Getting your nurse immediately involved in crowd control also helps by keeping any, shall we say, unpleasantness at the door to the department, and away from your own personal bedside.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

t&l

I have to agree with AM Martin. A child is not a pawn to be used for our selfish reasons, in this case wanting the A to end. I made it clear to my H that no matter what happened he would be a part of the babies life and I would not keep him from the baby. Plus this way, I knew if/when he came back it would be so we could be a family not because he felt trapped. Now I don't believe allowing vs. not-allowing WH in the delivery room is the same thing. You are allowed to be selfish then and think only of yourself and your needs, because it is for the benefit of the baby.

I would not recommend starting Plan B with a newborn at home. It is not logistially possible. Too many things need to be communicated about the baby. The baby will need to be fed every two to three hours and if you are nursing you will be the one that has to do this.

Okay, Ark
I agree with you on this, but easier said than done. I'm still having problems turning off 10 years of marriage and putting myself first. I'm improving in the area but not yet there and may not be totally there until a divorce is final.
MWC

Married:

I am beginning to agree with AM and Kloe mainly because of the need to focus on the physical welfare of yourself and your baby....

Your H is definitely not himself right now...he will not be a source of support for you....

Thanks, Kloe, you've pretty much summed up my afterthought.

It's important to remember that there's one human being for whom this is the most important moment of a lifetime -- and it is not the BW or the WH anymore. This small person doesn't even get to lobby, let alone have a vote.

This isn't a triangle anymore. It's a quadrangle. And I personally think it would be crappy to start life as a pawn to other people's concerns, interests, drama.

The decision is irrevocable, yes. But it's not marriedwithchildren's decision. It's WH's. HE has made a decision to have an affair. HE has made a decision not to end the affair. And, like many, he wishes to pretend to be a "real" father in more than a sperm-donor sense.

His word cannot be trusted. His continuing involvement with the family cannot be trusted. His future actions are up for grabs; he is not reliable. These are HIS decisions.

Marriedw/children, I urge you to remember that he may live down to his worst. While you are in the hospital with the baby, he could well be spending the night with OW. OW could be in the hospital parking lot, waiting.

I, for one, would vote to let him finish out his drama on his own time. The new human being who is beginning his life at that moment deserves something better -- all your attention, for starters. You don't need to be thinking about the weird drama that has been visited upon you at that moment. That moment belongs to your child, forever. You need to have a clear mind and a clear heart -- for your child.

And really, if he votes to join the family later, he can bond with the baby in the way fathers have for the millenia when childbirth was considered an event too sacred, too mysterious for male eyes.

AM said:



Unfortunately, this could definitely be true of a WH....

Bravo AM!

kloe,
My WH has not shown a great deal of devotion to OW. I do believe he's spending time with her and he doesn't deny that, but he isn't open with any the relationship. I wouldn't say that he has totally turned his back on his family. He calls almost everyday to talk to my daughter, visits her a couple of times (at least) a week, has moved the furniture out of the baby room, comes over and mows, and so on. He does the things he feels he SHOULD do to be a little responsible and probably ease his guilt. These things are so small and mean little to the kind of husband I thought he was.

I don't believe he knows what he wants and doesn't want to commit to working on our marriage until he is 100% sure he can give up the OW and can give up the SINGLE LIFE.

He did move back into our house for about 3 weeks after I told him that I wanted to make our marriage work, but was very depressed and told me he "wasn't getting his feelings back". At the same time he told me he wasn't in love with the OW and still loved me and wanted to be there for me. I might have pushed him away too soon, but couldn't live with what felt like a love lost marriage. I told him to get out if that is how he felt. Although I believe that he had no contact with the OW while he was home, the A was back on as soon as he left. I too felt a sense of relief when he left because I didn't have to worry about where he was while I was teaching or who he was talking to.

Like your husband, he has also started getting worried and told me that he wanted to move back in case I went into labor or there was an emergency. He has told me a few times that he is planning on moving back and I continue to tell him that he can't live in our house while seeing OW. I don't plan on caving in on this. It would be much more stressful to have him in our home with the A going on and him not commiting to our marriage. He is still in a deep fog and I only see glimpses of the old him. I feel that my WH is slipping further from feelings of loyalty or responsibility the longer he is gone. I'm afraid that we are beyond repair. My feelings are now at an all time low for him and our marriage.

Just wanted to give you a little background on our situation. I'm not sure how to go back and check on history and such.

Thanks for your advice. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one that has dealt with this kind of situation.
MWC

I know it feels hopeless but it doesn't sound that hopeless to me. From what you are telling me your WH sounds very much like my FWH. He came over every week to mow the lawn and take care of things. He was never mean or nasty to me like some WS's can be. You are only 3 months past D-Day, if I gave up then I would be D now!

Keep going with your Plan A (as much as you can while PG). What are you doing for yourself? Are you and your other child able to get out and do fun things as a family? If so, make sure WH knows about all the great things he is missing out on. Make your house a fun and happy place. A place anyone would want to be. Let him see what a wonderful person and family he is walking out on.

I agree with Kloe that your situation is certainly NOT HOPELESS....

However, as others have said, working on your marriage cannot be the priority right now....