hi. I posted my situation i guess around a month ago and needed some more advice. Hopefully there is a way to look it up--writing it again would take forever.

The EA has turned physical--he says they have slept in the same bed together, touched (even down there), kissed, etc, but haven't slpet together. He has been gone over two months now and I am at my wits end. He says none of this happened till after he left and he thought we were over. I NEVER gave him a reason to believe we were over--have been adament that HE left, not me. I was firm with him today and told him until he needed to decide if he wanted me or her (she went back to her husband a week ago) we had nothing to talk about. He says that's unfair because since we are not a guarantee, why should he have to lose her as a friend, too. I said, sorry--it's a choice you have to make--but honestly, right now (i found out today about how physical it's gotten--and I REALLY think they actually had sex--even though he says they haven't) I feel just so sick to my stomach that he could do this.

he is such a blamer and thinks he is such a victim here. i am pregnant (7 months) and have two boys at home (preschool age). I am at my wits end right now. We were supposed to go to dinner tomorrow night, but I cancelled because--well, the new news hurt so much--and he says that was wrong of me and keeps saying he wants to die because he's messed so much up. When do i stop worrying about how I might respond might affect his emotions?

Any advice would be nice.

Your stance is correct. Your feelings are swinging with his moods.

Keep your stance. Being pregnant isn't gonna help since your physical state needs support. However, the mommy survival instinct is also strong and you need to remember that your family is worth more than his feelings.

His statement of wanting to keep the OW 'just in case' type of attitude, is wrong. As long as he has that mentality, he does not deserve to be back.

Note: Ws usually say sex didn't start until..... whenever. Lies, all lies. You don't get in bed, start touching/petting w/o getting relieved somehow. Stupid WS.

L.

I suspect your feelings that they have had sex is true. My stbx did the same thing but finally admitted what I knew all along.

You have to remember he's addicted to the feelings that this relationship brings(or what he thinks is a relationship). All contact will have to be stopped before he can come out of this fog that's he's in.

They all blame and often play the victim. It's part of the rationalization. His behavior is typical.

Stick to it's either her or me stance. I know your hormones are raging but do your best to calm down. Read up on Plan A. Try to go to dinner if possible.

intexas,
I am so sorry you find yourself in this position. Being the victim of your partner's infidelity is bad enough, betrayal while you are carrying his child in your womb is the worst possible scenario. It is good that you are here. You will find some kind support and good advice here.

Any chance you can get your WH to talk to Steve Harley? Would he be willing to read HNHN?

Have you read up on Plan A?

If you add some abbreviated details, like mine in my signature, this will help people know exactly where you are at on this

Intexas -

I will search for your other posts momentarily, but for now, understand this:

Some of the things he is doing/saying are playbook WS. The stuff about not losing her as a friend, the way he lets the truth out little by little, acting like a victim or "blame shifting"....BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Read up, both here and in books, and you will be able to see right through this garbage. Since his feelings are all over the place, the task of being the emotional stalwart unfortunately falls squarely in the your lap. This is one of the harder parts of being the BS...even though you are in complete shambles, and you need/deserve comforting now more than ever...you have to be the comforter, some call it the lighthouse, for the WS. It takes an amazing amount of strength, but it can be done. There are countless examples here of such action.

Set boundaries, let him know when his actions are hurtful and/or unacceptable, but keep from LB'ing...essential parts of Plan A.

Stop worrying, because that won't change anything. I know this sounds so easily said, especially by someone who is not in your shoes, but it is a lesson I have learned during this process. I thought about it a long time, and figured this out: The outcome of any given situation will never change due to the amount I sit and stress over it. All of the results of worrying are negatives. High blood pressure, irritability, loss of sleep, appitite changes, and general unhappiness...things that can only cause more problems in other areas of your life, thus causing further worry.

It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, of sorts.

So, make the necessary changes in your life, become equipped to deal with the emotional rollercoaster (read, talk to a therapist, AD's), and follow your plan.

Just don't worry.


TM

I have been so calm it's unreal. The one friend I talk to about this says that it is time that I get mad. I haven't yet--not to him. i haven't yelled, been sarcastic, anything. i have cried some, but that's all. I can't imagine going to dinner with him when he is still talking to her and maybe seeing her. When he came today and told me all of this he wanted me to hug him and give him a kiss. How? I see them together and I want to throw up. I know I can get past this, but as long as he is not willing to lose her friendship (or the other lady's house they "slept" together at), I don't even want to see him.
And when I said that I needed to cancel--he said that he wouldn't be around for awhile--meaning, he couldn't see the kids for awhile. Those are his kids! They have no clue and I'll never let them know, but how can you do that?

Also, he says that if he comes home to me--he is afraid he's be settling!!! How can that not hurt?

He said that I need to go to a counselor to work on trusting him and being more affectionate (kissing is what he is referring to). We have gone to marriage counseling since he left--but it's only been divorce counseling really. My WH only wants to talk about ending it.

I read about plan A, but not sure what to do in relation to the love busters--he says you were perfect in every way but not affectionate enough or not trusting enough (I didn't hink he should have close female friends is what he is referring to). What would be the love busters to work on in light of the newest news?
I really appreciate the replies. I couldn't sleep and just needed to talk.

Then ask him what is he doing to help you with this problem?

IMHO he wants you to take the blame for his current state of insanity. He is babbling.

Don't lose sleep over babbling. Some WS' have said that the A continued because the BS kicked the WS out. Mine said he went to the OW because he had nowhere to go. He babbled this line a few times. At first it hurt, then I got mad then came the courage to ask him if he believed his babble. The WS said no. Hm.... victory!!!! WS acknowleges his own babble.

Now I had a tool. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Listen to Orchid...

She has a PhD in babbology...and also is the creator of the science of reverse babble...

Once you accept that your H is no longer himself, but a WH/alien, then you will start to change your posture toward his comments...you may even find yourself pitying him! Poor WH! He just doesn't understand how typical he is, and how silly he sounds...you may even start to chuckle (to yourself) when you hear the fogbabble coming at you.

It will be hard, because he knows what buttons to push on you. My STBXWW pushed all of them, and boy did it hurt. But you can do it.

TM

TM speaks from experience. He is wise. As for my 'degree' in MB, well modestly, I do use it.... a lot. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Not only with WSH but even with others stupid enough to babble at places like work, etc. I did it once in a letter to our former landlord. He wanted to keep our deposit after we not only lived in his house for 14 years but put in a fence, took out 2 huge trees, put in a sprinkler system and yard, increased the driveway, put in a new vanity in the bathroom, added fans to the rooms, put in new doors, new diposal, etc. Much at our own expense of labor and some of the materials. Yea.... I told him how disappointed I was with him as a 'man.' lOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> He coughed up most of the $$ due back. The dummy's calculator broke in his head. I made sure his neighbors knew the score as we moved out and come to find out, the new tenants stopped paying rent within 3 months after they moved in. We did try to warn the new tenant. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Then there's my ex-boss who is a big time WS who has OP in his office and stuck to his hip most of the time. I think he gets a break to go to the bathroom but even then I wonder. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

So much for my stories.... the point like TM says, knowng the difference between the WS and your H will help you know how to deal with him. You w/b able to move forward, not keep his pain and reduce the hurt. Not remove it completely, that will come later. Being able to laugh at their stupidity instead of being in shock of it, is very helpful to your recovery.

take care,
L.