Close. I'm in WI. Got home from the farm last night and saw 2 messages on answering machine. played messages but none left. then checked caller ID and saw it was WW had called. Now she knows all to well how I feel about people calling(especially ones I know) and don't even leave a simple hello. I've stated several times "why even have an answering machine". But thats a whole other story. Anyway she called back at 10:00 when I was home. We had a nice chat and she was wondering how my night went. And I hers. Gosh it sure is nice to talk to her. I may even see her on Sunday. Everybody have a nice weekend. I'm gonna try.

Orchid my friend is right <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Get a plan!

And have you exposed to XH's new W?

Let me tell you something. Some people do not change their spots. My now xh is actually cheating now on his present W...what he calls her. And he asked ME out this summer..I said no.

Her XH WILL do that again. It's a given. It is the way of those kind of people

But are you gonna take this without being proactive?

Nah.

That's why you're here.

Learn. Learn alot. Ask the men questions that have walked your shoes and had success in their W's coming home. Bob Pure did it wonderfully! Good advice from him also for you.

We can help with the woman side of what might be in her head...but the guys can show you what worked.

Do plan A...learn it first.

And DO NOT BUY FACT THAT WW TELLS YOU AFFAIR IS OVER.

My xh used to say: IT IS NOT MONKEY OR FV THAT IS CAUSING OUR DIVORCE...IT IS PROBLEMS IN OUR MARRIAGE..I'd say: Well IT IS A PROBLEM TO HAVE THREE OR FOUR PEOPLE IN A MARRIAGE. He'd then say: THIS IS NOT ABOUT HER..(OW)...IT IS ABOUT US. Id say: WELL IF IT IS NOT ABOUT OW...THEN WHY WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO TRY NC AND SPENT 90 DAYS OUTTA YOUR LIFE IN A REAL RECOVERY..? my xh: TRIED RECOVERY. WANT TO BE HAPPY.

Well I got a little more sleep last night and feel pretty good this morning. I invited WW over for a bit last night and did something that I wanted your opinions on. I asked her to move home lease and all. She's concerned about the lease and I said something like it's only money. I believe now A is over and that she wants to work on marraige. I do think she's going to move into apartment and we discussed this last night that we may be together everynight while she's away. wether it's here at home or over there. It's going to be tough but it's a start. It takes 2 to save a marraige. I think we're going to spend most of the day together today. She invited me to go to church with her this morning and I asked her over for coffee afterwards. We also need to carve our pumpkins for halloween. I'm looking forward to today. Hope i'm not rambling here b/c it also makes me feel better posting here and interacting with others who feel as I do.

I am glad you are feeling better, that does sound positive, I am keeping my fingers crossed for you!

I agree, the money is spent whether she stays there or comes home. One year's wasted rent is cheaper than a divorce. At least find out if she wants to come home, that might make you feel better even if it takes a while.

Sleep well

Hi Jasper,

I am very happy to hear you invited her home. I sure hope she accepts. You need to be together. It will be very tough times ahead, but better to do it together!!

next thing for you two i suspect is to find a good pro-marriage counsoler (MC).

Have you told her about this site?

you two are in my prayers.

WW and I spent entire day (Sunday) together. I was quite shocked that I saw her wear her wedding ring for the first time since dday. Shocked isn't the right word....how about very happy. Wewatched a couple movies and cuddled on the couch. Carved our pumpkins. It was all real nice. Of course I haven't been sleeping well at all and when I got comfortable and less anxious I feel asleep some. Now the kicker is we made love. I suppose this happens to maney seperated couples but I took it as a good sign. I still didn't sleep well last night. I need to make another appt with DR. and see about AD's. Do you think these will help me? Got to get ready for work but I just needed to talk somemore,Thanks

and we are here listening...

i think ADs can be very helpful for situations like this.

you two have a long way to go and there will be many ups and downs, so enjoy the ups, which sunday was. BUT... you have a LOT of work to do still, especially your WW. she needs to really dig into herself as to why she did this and the answer is not... your marriage was failing, she was unhappy... even if that is the case, something in her made it ok to betray another human being, one she vowed to love.

i'm certainly not saying this to remind you (as if you are not constantly thinking about it). i just think she needs to have some individual counsoling too.

keep posting, we are here.

thnks Finally for the reply. I started the AD's and they make me a little sick. Anyone had this experience before? WW called last night and we're going out for dinner Thursday night. She seemed so upbeat....I don't know how she does it. Please all keep talking to me . Lonliness is a terrble thing.

Yes, I had that experience with every AD I took. There are side effects to all of them. But you have only been taking them a short time, so it's hard to tell. I think you are to give them at least 4-6 wks to see a difference, but tell your Dr. you are feeling sick. I didn't have a good experiences with them though. Vitamins and herbs are best for me, never any side effects, and they work immediately.

Hoping the best for you and your wife!

Lady

starting on AD's does require some time. i don't recall feeling sick, i was on zolft for about 8 months, stopped about 3 months ago. talk to your dr if it gets bad. i assume you have a followup with your dr? i think you should.

regarding your wifes upbeat attitude, you are both going to be on a major rollercoaster for a while. and both of you will have good and bad days. i suspect for her, the fact that the truth is out is making her feel better about life. i can garentee you, she will have bad days too. as you work together to recover, the pain she caused will become more and more clear to her and that will not be easy.

how old you are both and do you have kids?

i'm glad you guys are talking. is she showing remorse? is she open to counsoling? true recovery takes a long time and it's not easy. and that is the goal, true recovery.

and KEEP POSTING, keep asking questions. you will get responses.

thanks for talking Finally I really need it. Helps alot. Yes I have a follow up with dr but i think i'm going to take half a pill for the beginning. I didn't like how the first one made me feel. By the way he gave me Zoloft 50mg. Sexual side effects concern me. To answer a couple of your questions: married 11 yrs and no kids. she has 2 grown sons from her 1st marriage. she will be 50 on 10-27 and i am 42. we are both in IC and i hope it progresses to JC but she is concerned about money end of it. I want my marriage repaired no matter the cost i guess. As for remorse she doesn't speak it but i see it in her actions. and all important relationship discussions thus far have been initiated by me. I don't wish pain on her but I hope she feels some if that makes any sense. We went to church together Sunday (her invite) and she wore her wedding ring for the first time that i saw since D-Day. It would take a awful cold hearted women to want to go to church together and continue with A. So I take it as a good sign. She made a mistake no doubt but she is not cold hearted. Thanks again for talking

I haven't got any questions today but have to talk. At IC yesterday I cried like a baby for 30 Min. My emotions control me right now and nothing seems fun nor can I see the end of this horrible ride. Concentration at work is really hard but my boss has been very supportive but don't know for how long. 10 weeks soince d-day isn't much i know compared to what i see on here. A year from now seems like 10. Give Me Strength

Jasper,

What you are going through is common. Please read the link in my sig line about the 5 stages of grieiving. This will help you see what you may have ahead of you and learn some coping skills.

Crying is a way for your body to release it's tension. Anxiety attacks are also. Don't fight it. Go with the flow. In time you will learn to relax and these episodes will calm down.

What did your IC recommend?

L.

Thanks for the reassurance orchid. I know whats ahead of me and it's going to be tough. what i would give for 8 hrs sleep 1 night. I've lost 30 lbs and was thin to begin with. i'm a bit embarrassed about this but it's late fall and i can wear heavy/layers of clothes. I need all the help I can get.

Good Morning, Well today is WW's birthday. We are going to dinner tonite and hopefully good conversation. No LB's on my part. She will be also moving into her apartment this weekend and she'll probably talk some about this. It's going to be so hard. Please respond with some encouraging words for me. I look at this site all day at work. Sleeping not very good yet and I hope I don't look and feel too tired at dinner. I just hope and pray that I can make her happy today and even again in our marriage.

hi jasper, how did you evening go?

Jasper,

I'm new to this to and lurk more than post but I deeply appreciate all I learn from the folks her with the experience.

Fear Mode. That is what the IC explained I was in right after the Bomb. I moved out that day to give her the 'time and space' she needed to figure things out. In our 25 years we could have communicated better, etc. I lost the pounds, sweated all night (common with many AD), catatonic at work....cried like a baby.

While you read everything you can get your hands on, include Mars-Venus series for understanding how to communicate better when you are together. Learn to meet her emotional needs and read DB or DR book. But they don't explain middlescence (MidLife crisis). See 'New Passages' book for more technical breakdown of life stages we all go through, but in different ways and degrees.

Deal with the biggest problem first. That one is taking care of yourself!!! I changed AD thinking it was not right when it was just the constant panic I was living in. Staying on the second AD even though it ends up having the worst list of side effects. The sweating gets better after you've been on AD longer. They build in your system and raise the 'floor'. You'll be able to function better, but you'll think about her and feel low. You just won't be falling down that endless abyss.

Make your Home a safe and comfortable place for her to be. One where she has no pressure or guilt. One like she felt her apartment was going to be. Get that PMA, make those changes in yourself, make her miss You. Listen to Understand,give her Empathy, validate her and become the one person she most wants to talk to when something is on her mind. She is leaving that door open, use it wisely and carefully so id does not get shut. No one else will be able to listen to her and support her needs as well as you will learn to. We are all trying to get there.

I could go on but others will be better at that and more helpful. Been gone 5 months now. No progress here, but I read every day of others who learned quicker and did so much better already.

Will follow your thread and expect to see you beat everyone to the end.

Am2

Thanks AM for the thoughts. I had a complete breakdown yesterday at work and came home early. I then went to be with family. I hope she does want to talk to me as you mentioned. I yearn for that day and I realize it'll take some work on my part. waht did you mean by beat everyone to the end? Thanks