I've read some incredibly helpful posts on this site about people in a similar situation to my own and thought I would post my story here to get some encouragement to move on with my life after all is said and done.

I have been married for almost 5 years to a bi-polar wife who is 8 years my junior. I found this after we were engaged but before we were married. Never knowing someone that was bi-polar I didn't know what was ahead of me, and being fearful of her reaction if I cancelled our upcoming wedding, I went ahead with it... believing myself to be a loving, and kind-enough person to bring her through whatever it was she was dealing with.

5 years later (and now 5 extra-marital relationships from her end), and I've filed for divorce. She began to start using the things that I've always wanted for our relationship in keeping communication open with me. First it was children (which she always said she didn't want). She suddendly wants them now - which brought me right back into the conversation about how things could be okay between us. All the while she continues the relationship with the new boyfriend. Then I walked away again... and she starts playing the God card (another important thing in my life that I always wanted between us). Again... I'm come back into the conversation only to see her continue the relationship in spite of the things she says to me.

Now I'm even facing a felony tresspassing charge for coming to her house while her boyfriend was there. I'd given them all of the privacy I could stand, and showed up to explain to him that she was playing both of us, and outted her with all of the text messages and voice mail messages she was using in the middle of the night while she was with him. I said what I needed to say, shook the guys hand, wished him luck and left after about 4 minutes and she calls to make a complaint about me. Believe it or not... she's still trying to get me to drop the divorce and give her "more time".

I'm a genuinely good guy, and now my integrity is in question after 35 years of no criminal history, and 17 years at the same job. I can't believe that I somehow still love this person.

Hi Jeffem

My sister is bi-polar, so I have some ideas of what you may have lived with.

Is your wife on propper medication and receiving counselling? If not, you may make no good progress in your marriage. She is really not herself.

Further, even if her mental health is in-check, you cannot work on a reconcilliation while she is in a relationship with someone else. She must end the relationship with the OM and never contact him again if your marriage is to have any future.

As for the discussion of having children, have you talked to her doctor about this possibility? Can she stay on her medications during a pregnancy? If not, if she must go off of medication -- or stay unmedicated if she is now -- you may find both the pregnancy and especially the post-partum period to be extremely difficult as she is dealing not only with her mental health, but the exhaustion of being a new mom and all the hormones that go along with that. The decision to have children with this woman must be made with her mental health providers. A baby may not be safe with her if she is unmedicated; your wife's doctors will advise you on this.

Remember, she is not really herself if she is not on propper medication, so her talk of going to church with you may or may not be genuine if she is mentally unwell at this time. EVERYTHING she says may not be genuine if she is not well.

Your wife's mental health must be taken care of before there is the hope of reconciliation.


Mrs. W8ing

Jeffem,

Reading your story I was so reminded of my WW's actions and indeed her life as a diagnosed Bipolar and also having Borderline Personality Disorder.

May I suggest a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason & Randi Kreger. While Bipolar is a distinct diagnosis from BPD, they share a lot of common traits. I found it to be very informative and helped me to understand that my WW's actions weren't done to me personally, I just happened to be married to a sick individual at this time in her life. She behaved so much better(IMHO) while on her assorted meds but hated the way they made her feel and she stopped the meds and also stopped going to her therapist.

And yes , any hope of reconciliation is greatly reduced if the underlying patholgy is not addressed.

Best of luck