Great financial advice from Lemonman. Hope you follow it.

From what you described of your WH above, sounds like he has a pattern of escaping in order to deal with his problems. (Financial problems, he escapes by just giving them to you to handle; M problems, he escapes to an A).

Now you are talking about counseling? Are you still going into Plan B? I am confused.

I am only going to plan B if he does not agree to the counseling. So far he says he will go, but we will not know for sure till the actual appt.

I think H told OW it was over or OW demanded he leave me or it was over. He hasn't been acting distant toward me. I saw a text message in his cell from OW last night that said "don't call me anymore! You mean the world to me, I love you, and I miss you."

I think now is the crucial time for me to do the carrot part of my plan A. However, more importantly I have to save myself from finacial ruin.

So how do I do my plan A when H is mad at me because I won't get the loan and he feels I am the one making all the decisions?

I plan to stick to my boundaries when it comes to finances regardless of what happens.

As far as everything else goes

H emailed OW from a email account he knows I have the password to. I went into the account and found a email from her and responded to her as if I were H. I was trying to get information as to what was going on. OW figured out it was me and called H. H asked me if I emailed her and I said Yes. I said she had emailed the account and said "tell your wife the truth". So I asked H if he had something to tell me? H said no. Then he went on to say this "there are different kinds of love, I love my mom differently then I love DS, I even love my sisters differently". I said "I get what you are trying to say you love me differently then OW". He said "I have very strong feelings for OW. I haven't seen her in a couple of days and it hurts really bad. I am confused and wish I had someone to talk to.". So I asked H "what is your plan? Do you plan to continue to see her and hurt me? Do you plan to save our marriage? Or do you plan to go? His response was "to save our marriage".

What do you guys think of this? What do I do? My energy is starting to run low.

Trying:

He is a cake-eater much like my FWH...

Your PLAN A has been effective and he now wants the both of you for as long as possible..

It will take your strength now to remove yourself from this triangle...

The thing to do is to begin the MANTRA that you will repeat over and over: IN ORDER TO WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE, YOU WILL NEED TO GET RID OF THE OW FOREVER..NEVER SEE HER AGAIN IN YOUR LIFETIME...UNTIL YOU DO THIS WE CANNOT HAVE A MARRIAGE...

This needs to be said to him OVER AND OVER AGAIN...calmly yet firmly without YELLING, OR SCREAMING OR CRYING (although you certainly will want to express these emotions)...

So, NOW if he wants to WORK ON THE MARRIAGE, he needs to write a NC LETTER which you will read and then he will mail to the OW...

If he refuses to do this, then you begin to write your PLAN B LETTER....

He is following the STANDARD CAKE-EATER'S SCRIPT...

I listened to it for too long....

YUK....

OK now, SUPER WOMAN GODDESS, YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Mimi! that helps alot!

Also, you may add to that mantra...it is not the OW that he misses but certain needs that she was filling for him. YOU can fill those needs. You are not asking him to go back to your M--but to create a more fulfilling one where you learn how to meet his needs.

Good luck to you!

(And I don't know how responding to the OW helped you any!! Keep her out of this by not acknowledging her existence!! SHE is not the problem!!))

I rented Mr and Mrs Smith last night, it reminded me of me and my husband.

I got the referral for marriage counseling from my isurance company, but it will be a week or so before we get an appointment

A good thing is that I noticed that H saved the marriagebuilders website into his favorvites on his computer


The bad thing is H continues to see OW on the daily basis,
I found out by reading his email that he sent OW flowers. This upsets me because he hasn't sent me flowers in 7 yrs.


at the same time he tells me he wants us to move overseas, great idea but it could take mos to a year before I get an assginment


My energy is starting to run really low, I am trying to just focus on myself, but my knowledge of the continued affair makes it hard

I am thinking I should wait to do plan B till after Christmas for DS sake

what do you think?

No offense to the guys, but it seems that most of the guys I know (my brother in-law, neighbor, best friends H) all don't like to clean, and are really bad with money. Is this how men are in general or not? Just curious, I am wondering incase H and I can't work this through

I am preparing my Plan B letter

I am ready to give it to him really soon

Not only am I dealing with the A but also his recent big finacial irresponsiblity

So any feedback and suggestions would be good:

Dear H,

I have learned alot in these last few months about things I should have done differently in the past. The main thing I Learned was that I needed to meet your emotional needs. Reading books on infedelity really helped me to understand why I needed to spend more time with you, give you a kiss when I came in, make time to have lunch with you, get involved in your interests, and tell and show you how much I loved you each and every day. I believe you bring the best out in me by opening my eyes to new and exciting things and I love it! I have made many changes and plan to continue to improve myself. I only wish I had made these changes years ago!

It is for my own sanity and so that my love for you is destroyed no more that I have to ask you to leave. I hope that our finacial arrangements can remain the same till if/when we decide to file for legal separation. You will need to pay your motorcycle and credit card. As normal I will make sure all the rest of the bills get paid , as long as you leave me some money in your account. I will need money for daycare etc but I will take no more then 1/2 your check each pay date till if/when we file for a legal separation.

I am going to have to ask you to not contact me by phone,email, text, or person. Any issues regarding financial matters or visitation with DS should be done through one of the brother in laws. If you decide that you are committed to working on the marriage then I will be more then happy to talk to you and discuss it. Working on the marriage for me would mean all contact cut off with OW, financial and marriage counseling.

With all my love,

Wife

Tryingto,

Hi. I am so proud of you for mustering up the courage to do this. Good for you!

I hope it is not rude that I edited your letter like this. I tried to just give comments but it was just confusing, so I took the liberty of changing what I was trying to explain (more specific details about arrangements and less details about finances--this is supposed to be a love letter afterall--also a direct link between his behavior and your leaving and firm statements)

I also stole a line from Neaks thread (about the wife of someone's girlfriend) Have you read her recent thread about her plan B letter? It may help.

Also, do you have a friend or family member that can help you with all of this? You will need some support no doubt after you deliver the letter (and possibly a place to hide out while this sinks in for him until you go back home).

Stay strong. Keep posting.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear H,

Insert statement about what you love about him, or good memory from your marriage. I have learned alot in these last few months about things I should have done differently in the past. The main thing I Learned was that I needed to meet your emotional needs. Reading books on infedelity really helped me to understand why I needed to spend more time with you, give you a kiss when I came in, make time to have lunch with you, get involved in your interests, and tell and show you how much I loved you each and every day. I believe you bring the best out in me by opening my eyes to new and exciting things and I love it! I have made many changes and plan to continue to improve myself. I only wish I had made these changes years ago!

[Insert phrase linking his continued contact with your decision to leave. ie, It hurts me so much that you continue to give your time and attention to OW. For my own sanity, and to preserve the love I hold for our M, I can no longer continue to be with you in this triagle. I will not continue to be the wife of someone's boyfriend.


Until you have made the decision to be my husband and to reinvest in our marriage, or to let me go, you must go and not contact me by phone, email, text, or in person. I have arranged for you to stay at X, until you are able to make your own arrangements Our finacial arrangements should remain the same until you/we decide to file for legal separation. See the list attached regarding bills INSERT CHILD VISITATION SCHEDULE Any issues regarding financial matters or visitation with DS should be done through cite the person's name. If you decide that you are committed to working on our marriage then I will be more then happy to talk to you and to work out a way for both of us to find happiness together . For me, this will require that you cease all contact with OW, and agree to attend financial and marriage counseling.

With all my love,

Wife

Updated

Dear H,

I have learned alot in these last few months about things I should have done differently in the past. The main thing I Learned was that I needed to meet your emotional needs. Reading books on infedelity really helped me to understand why I needed to spend more time with you, give you a kiss when I came in, make time to have lunch with you, get involved in your interests, and tell and show you how much I loved you each and every day. I do not want to go back to treating you the way I did before. I believe you bring the best out in me by opening my eyes to new and exciting things and I love it! I have made many changes and plan to continue to improve myself. I only wish I had made these changes sooner!

It is for my own sanity and so that my love for you not destroyed that I have to ask you to leave. I hope that our finacial arrangements can remain the same till if/when we decide to file for legal separation. You will need to pay your motorcycle and credit card. As normal I will make sure all the rest of the bills get paid , as long as you leave me some money in your account. I will need money for daycare etc but I will take no more then 1/2 your check each pay date till if/when we file for a legal separation.

I am going to have to ask you to not contact me by phone,email, text, or person. Any issues regarding financial matters or visitation with DS should be done through one of the brother in laws. If you decide that you are committed to working on the marriage then I will be more then happy to talk to you and discuss it. I don't just want to restore our marriage but make one that is better and happier. So working on the marriage for me would mean all contact cut off with OW, financial and marriage counseling.

With Love,

Wife

I think we posted at the same time. Did you see my comments above? How are you doing today?

Ahuman,

Thank you, I like what you added alot! I will amend my letter and post it.

Do you have a support system? Friends, family? I urge you to seek this support out....and to help you follow through with the logistics of this. Be strong. Be firm. I have no doubt that you will one day be very happy that you are doing what you are doing now!

I am ready for plan B. I am trying to hold off till after Christmas for DS. I do have a pretty good support system. I want H to leave, he could stay at his moms, his sisters or OW's; but I really don't have anywhere to go that would work since DS has school and everything. Is there a court order or something I can get?

I should have my plan B letter amended and posted by the end of the weekend.

Ok this is my amended plan B letter, feedback is apperciated! Thanks


Dear H,

I love the way that you always made me feel safe. No matter what happened I always felt that as long as you were by my side I could make it through it. I have learned alot in these last few months about things I should have done differently in the past. The main thing I Learned was that I needed to meet your emotional needs. I now understand why I needed to spend more time with you, give you a kiss when I came in, make time to have lunch with you, get involved in your interests, and tell and show you how much I loved you each and every day. I believe you bring the best out in me by opening my eyes to new and exciting things and I love it! I have made many changes and plan to continue to improve myself. I only wish I had made these changes sooner!

It hurts me so much that you continue to give your time and attention to OW. For my own sanity, and to preserve the love I hold for our M, I can no longer continue to be with you in this triagle. I will not continue to be the wife of someone's boyfriend.


Until you have made the decision to be my husband and to reinvest in our marriage, or to let me go, you must go and not contact me by phone, email, text, or in person. I have arranged for you to stay at your sisters, until you are able to make your own arrangements. Our finacial arrangements should remain the same. Any issues regarding financial matters or visitation with DS should be done through (cite the person's name). If you decide that you are committed to working on our marriage then I will be more then happy to talk to you and to work out a way for both of us to find happiness together . For me, this will require that you cease all contact with OW, and agree to attend marriage counseling.

With all my love,

Wife

Hi trying,

I had been following your thread for a while when you first posted it, but that was right before my baby died, and I have kind of lost track of everybody since.

Overall your letter looks good, short and to the point. When I get back later this afternoon, I will read it again and see if I can suggest any wording changes, and also try to catch up on your sitch a little bit.

Hang in there, I can't imagne how hard it must be to try and juggle the holidays and your WH's A.

Neak

I have been reading your thread this evening. Wow.

I'll try to get back on either later tonight or first thing in the morning. You will be in my prayers.

Sounds like a GREAT letter to me. Give it to him.

There is only one teeny change I would suggest, and that is to add just a little to the end so he doesn't think NC and MC are the only things he has to do and everything will be hunky-dory. Maybe...

"To start, this will require that you cease all contact with OW, and agree to attend marriage counseling. The rest we can talk about when you are ready."

Just something to where he knows right up front that there's more.

Then start working on your requirements, but don't make it too easy. How much would it take for you to feel really safe?

Insist on it. You're worth it.

This letter sounds like the WS makes the BS feel safe and the WS brings out the best in the BS. Is that the message u r trying to convey?

Why give him an ultimatum when you say: "If you decide that you are committed to working on our marriage then I will be more then happy to talk to you and to work out a way for both of us to find happiness together"?

Howz about restating it more like: When you realize how valuable your family really is, then maybe we can discuss what it takes to be a valuable member of this family again.

I realize other plan B letters stated as you did. What I have seen is most Ws take offense.....well WS take offense to a lot of good things.....but just this once, it w/b a good time to not be soooo happy to talk to a WS who is only 'thinking' of coming back. Those thoughts are often fleeting and change in a second.....best to give thought only when he makes postiive and convincingly permanent actions to 'want his family back'.

See he needs u all, not visa versa. No family needs a WS. A family needs financial support but should not settle for a 1/2 asz WS. If you say you w/b happy with him only thinking about it, that is just what you will get. Then it may confuse the Xws even more.....after all you did say you w/b happy when he decided to stop seeing the OW, the when he actually stopped seeing the OW. See the diff.?

L