My husband and I have been married for four months.

Yeah.

Four Months.

We were the very best of (platonic) friends for several years. We always said we'd get together one day but we both wanted to have our heads on straight before we did so, so as not to completely screw up our relationship. We weren't exactly model partners in previous relationships. We both had cheating histories. We also both agreed we wouldn't cheat with each other as we didn't want any relationship between us to start under that haze.

WH cheated on his exes when A) he fell out of love with them (as he once so coldly put it, when I suggested ending things with his last before me as he wasn't doing her any favours, "You don't quit your old job until you get a new one." Because of that I made damn sure he was single a good year before I got anywhere near him) or B) the sex was terrible. I cheated on my exes when I was no longer in love with them but too dishonest to just end the relationship.

We are 28 and 30. It's not like we're 16 year olds here.

Finally, it all seemed, the Right Time had arrived. We began a relationship slowly. We did everything right. We talked everything out about everything we wanted and thensome. We talked about expectations. We followed all that negotiating and such. We were solid, strong, together... and so we began living together *with the full intention of legally marrying once we had the money*. This took us about 7 months to come up with.

Approximately 2 months after living together, I just... I just KNOW something is up. He went out drinking with his mentor and I just.. I just felt it. He confessess he had a rather torrid alcohol fueled makeout session with some girl at the bar. He felt crappy. We talked it out. This was not to happen again. I was baffled as before he always cheated for other reasons. Not just, because he was drunk and she was there.

My dear husband is somewhat of a late bloomer. To be honest he was a serious geek when I got ahold of him. I taught him how to dress right, cut his hair properly, essentially, I had a make a geek into a hottie project and oh boy did I do well. He was always cute before, but now it's awful. One time, dressed to the nines, walking hand in hand down the street, I swear to god some woman crossed the street, handed him her business card, and said "call me when you're single." I wanted to run her over. Get your own make-a-geek-hot project! He didn't come out of the box like that, you know! Grr!

I got through that and we talked about alcohol consumption etc. Things went very well and we married in summer.

And then, at the beginning of this month, I had... that feeling again.

He told me when he was celebrating a career milestone with his mentor (I hate his mentor more and more lately I swear) he was very drunk and went to a hotel room with some bar girl again. And tried to have sex. Somehow, I interpreted this to mean no actual sex happened.

A few days later he had a trip overseas. He returned two weeks later and we resumed talks. I was more than a bit gobsmacked by this. But not as much as what came next.

Apparently, he had sex with this woman, but due to alcohol, was unable to do the things necessary to keep a condom on. And it fell off. And he continued to do this with her for another few minutes until he realized what a stupid moron he was being.

Apparently, he went trying to find her. He wanted her and him to both get tested and he'd pay for everything. But he couldn't find her. I told him it was okay, as only we matter in this now anyway. So we get to get tested.

But I don't get this. I am just... gobsmacked... this is not my husband. We agreed we hated living that way. That we wanted to be in a serious one on one fierce loyalty thing. What the heck is this? Didn't we avoid getting together for YEARS specifically to avoid this kind of behaviour?!

We have outlined some problems in our marriage and agreed to work on them. You see, rather than go cheat on him for revenge, as I don't want anyone else, I decided to run up his credit card to high heaven. He no longer cared about my need for monogamy, fine, I no longer cared about his need to not carry a card balance. Not real mature.

We both sat staring at one another wondering who and what we'd become. In our plan we outlined the kind of partners we want each other to be, and the kind of partners we want to be to one another. We plan on committing to behaving properly for a year and a bit, until new year's 2007, and then we'll re-evaluate where we are, how it's going, and if we want to continue (the idea is we will want to). I didn't feel comfortable solidly committing to a lifetime. I didn't/don't trust him. But I didn't feel right just tossing it. This has allowed us to have a safe space to work in.

I keep reminding him he doesn't have to take his pants off just because a pretty girl flirts with him. He knows this. Especially as he claims it's better at home (well, yes, I know him in ways no one nighter ever will).

I just... can't believe this is coming from him. He always treated me so well. I don't even understand who he is to do that!

Call me... gobsmacked.

PS
I forgot. The reason I posted is while I don't find a lot to relate to here, as I don't have any OW to deal with or any WD symptoms on his part, or honestly even an "affair", that really helps as it makes me think "you know, this is NOT a big huge horrible disastrous thing worth ending over." And sincerely, thanks for that.

Gobsmacked, sorry things are off to such a rocky start.

First, it sounds like your H uses very poor judgement when drinking excessively, and he drinks to excess too often. Has he ever sought treatment for alcohol abuse or gone to AA? Our relationship echoes yours, and what was once alcohol abuse and infidelity while drunk turned into a full-fledged A 12 years into our marriage. Beware, not to scare you, but for both of you - addiction-behavior is a pre-indicator of romantic affairs.

Affairs are addictions - they make someone make poor life decisions because of how they make the person feel in the moment.

I would like to see the two of you get these areas under control before you consider having children.

You may need to read Dr. James Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" to learn how to deal/react to these behaviors of his. You guys need to get into counseling badly. You have many very rocky years ahead of you if these areas are not dealt with. And I'm an optimist!

MSA

To be quite honest one of the things I left out in there was he is a cocaine addict. In the last two years he has had two slips... Both times, guess where he was? That's right. The same nights he was drinking to celebrate with his mentor, he also used cocaine and cheated on me.

He keeps telling me that it's *not* a cheating problem, it's a not following recovery (12 step) problem. Well that's nice and all but I am not the DEA and his coke problem is between him, his god, and his sponsor, not me. I'll let him handle that part. I felt like he was minimizing my pain over the action he partook in which DID affect me, cheating on me, by calling it a 12 step issue.

It may well be, but my concern is the cheating. I learned a long, long time ago from my father as far as addiction goes I did not create it and cannot change it or control it.

But, I'm just trying to get through the pain of the cheating, so I'm just dealing with that here. I deal with the recovery issues in other areas.

also I have no intention of having children for a bare minimum of 2 years.

2 years is a bare minimum, I think 2 years of good recovery from the affair and the other addictions; get some real stability under you guys before you add kids to the mix.

It is a cheating problem, and although I understand you trying to deal with them separately and heal from the adultery my experience is it all has the same ugly root. Low self-esteem, poor coping skills, immaturity, poor role modeling by parents, childhood sexual or physical or emotional abuse, co-dependency, selfishness, and poor decision making skills and inability to self-regulate harmful behavior.

I'm going to ask MelodyLane to read your thread, I don't know how often she gets over to this board. She has more experience in these areas and will be able to offer you some good solid (though not soft-pedaled) advice if you want to hear it.

MSA

You know, I would suggest some heavy counseling before you consider either divorce or continuing the marriage. It seems that there were severe warning signs prior to marraige and that you have made a lot of excuses for his behavior. If he had an ongoing friendship with you, waitng for the right time to begin your relationship, throughout his other relationships - what makes you think he will not do the same to you? I am sorry to be the one to say it, but his other wives or girlfriends probabaly felt like they were pretty special, too - just like you feel now. DO you want to look over your shoulder forever, just waitng for him to "fall out of love" with you and cheat on you agiain for this seemingly sanctioned reason? Marraige is supposed to be a commitment. If the commitment is just that you will remain faithful until one or the other has a REASON to be unfaithful, then it is not much of a commitment at all. All of us overlook things when we love someone - but some things we have to look squarely at, even when it hurts or is uncomfortable. Affairs and one-night stands, etc. can leave life-threatening and life-altering scars that don't wash or wipe off, even with time. STDs do not differentiate between sexual partners and lengths of relationships. Does this mean divorce? No, but it means that it is a good idea to get a reality-check from a professional who is outside of your relationship. We all need our thinking checked occaisionally, including me. I hope it all works out for you for the best.