I'm sorry SNT, but it's what you deserve.

I get what you are saying. I understand that both of us were putting our own selfish needs over our kids. When I was trying to explain this pivotal moment last night and this morning to my W, it just makes it all the more clear how wrong I was. I told her that it felt like I was getting deeper and deeper and I couldn't leave. Sounds so victim-like that I hesitate to say it.

After reading what pepperband wrote, it just goes to show how skewed my thinking was. How could I value that in a woman? How can I convince my wife of my desire to change and to leave the "comfort" of the fog?

She told me this afternoon that she feels dead to me. It breaks my heart. I look back and think of all the opportunities I had to "make it right" and didn't. Now when I am faced with the problem at my nose, I can see it. My wife keeps referring to the elephant in the living room. I noticed everything else but the big honkin' elephant standing in the middle. She said "How could you miss it?" All I can do is just shake my head. I guess I didn't want to see it.

Sounds like it might be over. I am going to keep praying and doing whatever she asks as far as anything goes including disclosure. I guess that's all I can do right now. There is nothing I can say (she doesn't trust anything out of my mouth) or anything I can do (she doesn't want niceities). I feel like all I can do is wait, get counseling, and pray.

I'll try to fill in more tonight.

SNT

***********

"Today is the day I take control."

SNT,
You asked why it matters what she bought, what you did together. I can't tell you why, but I can tell you it does. It matters so much to your wife. She needs to know not for any other reason than she needs it.

My FWH's A was mostly EA with one meeting that turned physical. I am not saying that makes it any better. I wanted to know EVERYTHING. I wanted to know what color panties she wore. I wanted to know if they were Walmart brand or Victoria's secret. I wanted to know everything.

Every answer that I get slays another dragon. Every answer, though it may hurt me to my core at first, brings me peace later on. Every piece of the puzzle that brings the picture into focus helps me deal with this a little better.

Yes, you may want to push this aside and forget about it. She doesn't. She can't. She needs this from you. You can help her heal.

Re-read ark's post and read Joseph's letter. They will help you see.

If she asks a question, answer her truthfully. Do not ask why she needs to know. Just accept the fact that she does.

If she is wanting the details, I think she probably wants to work this out with you. I'm glad you are tryign to get into counseling. Please encourage her to do the same.

Another thing, someone already pointed out she is probably blaming herself. You can count on that. You said something in your post a bout accepting the all the blame even if it is not real. The blame is all yours. Yes, you both are responsible for the marriage and the state of that marriage, but you and you alone made the choice to go outside of the marriage. So, yes, you are to blame. Accept it.

I don't say that to be mean or cruel. I am not just bashing a WS. It is the truth that you will have to accept to help heal your marriage. I can honestly say that the one thing that my husband did that helped the most was that he accepted all the blame from D-Day until now. He never let me accept any of it. When I tried, which is my personality to do, he always put a stop to that line of thinking and talking. He accepted the blame.

I hope the best for you and your wife.
p

Hello SNT,

I too welcome you to MB.

It isn't very often we have a WH that comes here looking for help unfortunately.Even more so one that stays.I pray that you are in for the long haul since this,recovery, is going to be very hard.

I am just going to address some statements you have made in addition to all the great advice you have already received:



Your WW has most likely done what I and many other's do and that is put up walls.Her heart was SO damaged by the admission of the A she has to protect herself from you.YOU are the one that hurt her so unimaginably bad that her feelings for you are like being in a safe.They are still there but protected.To feel for you now is to accept more pain.She is conflicted and hurting so don't think there isn't a chance.Most of the time,BS's WANT to have that chance to recover.You need to be patient to get to that place.


This is what these people are good at."Listening like no other has ever listened to you before","cared for like ever before","understood you like ever before".All the time and patience in the world to be such a caring and supportive "friend" right? It's classic.In time you will see how wrong this was but what a lie it was.You will see that no matter how "perfect" she seemed and so moral and right,it was a tragic mistake.Do not be fooled for one second that if you both left your spouses to fuel the fantasy and live happily ever after that you would be in such pain when reality tracked you down and life came knocking on your door.Most A's end,badly.Those that survive are but shallow sick reminders of all the pain that was caused because of it.You can't fully see that now.



You have the power to turn things around here.If you want the marriage to fail then it will.You have to think positive.The old marriage is shattered.What ever comes about now is up to you and your W.Hopefully it will be better than ever!



Whatever you do,with all due respect,do not listen to these so called friends.We have a disposable marriage society right now and of course it would be so easy to just take off right? Start over somewhere with someone new? The kids will be just fine right? They are resilient . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> The facts are that no,kids do NOT fair well and yes they DO survive but at what cost? Just so mom or dad can run off and be "happy" somewhere? Where are these peoples priorities? Doesn't anyone care anymore about the destrcution taking place in our marriages and families? It's all about ME ME ME,entitlement to the max.If I don't feel good and appreciated and happy 100% of the time well,I am just going to have to go off and find it.The TRUTH is SNT,it all resides in YOU.NO ONE can do this for you and certainly not some homewrecking OW.

This OW may have made you feel happy and alive or whatever but it's all a fantasy.It's not real because it hasn't had real LIFE be part of it.This OW was so good with her kids.Did you see her 24/7? Do you know everything about her TRUTHFULLY? Isn't it just possible that you only saw the side she wanted you to see?

We are a PRO marriage site and are dedicated to helping those here,seeking help,to recover their marriages and make them better with Dr.Harley's advice.



All this matters a great deal to your W because she has had her ENTIRE world shattered.You don't know what that is SNT.She is on a quest to find out the truth and ALL of it.Every last miniscule tidbit.And you have to be prepared for this to go on a LOOONG time.Her trust has been obliterated.It's totally gone.And now,you have to start form scratch.And it will only happen once your W is convinced you are not going to leave her,serious about staying,serious about NEVER talking to that OW EVER again and that you are doing whatever it takes to make this right.

Yes,this is your main job now if you want save your marriage.She will have her work to do as well but you made the terrible choice to fill voids,boredom,lack of self esteem or whatever by cheating.It is never the answer to anything.

Lastly:



This,is good.If you didn't feel remorse over what you did we would be more worried.It's a start.

Your children DESERVE a loving,secure,supportive and happy family not being destroyed by some other woman.That is your failure: that you failed to protect your family against other's in this world of opportunists.There will ALWAYS be someone around each and every corner of life waiting to take a chance,tempt you and even see if you can be bought,sold or made to forgo your values and beliefs.What DO you hold dear SNT?

I will pray for you to have strength to stop contacting this OW and for strength to do the right thing by your family.Your marriage can be whatever you WANT it to be but you have to do the work and not let it fail.It's all up to you and your W.I hope she will come around but do give her time.She needs plenty of it and support.


More later~Take care now.

O

SNT
I am glad you are here. I am a BS, also a FWW. I hear how you are feeling and I imagine that you are describing the frustration my WH must have felt after D-Day. I didn't need all the gory deatils, but I needed enough to feel safe. It is torture knowing that your WH will protect the imtimate secrets regarding OW at his wife's and marriage's peril.

My WH lasted maybe two weeks without contact, and at the beginning, I do believe that he did not intend to leave his family for OW. But, the fog is thick, it is a powerful addiction.

IMO, you are NOT entitled to contact OW to get a break from dealing with your wife's heartache. Not saying you will, but please, please, do not break NC. Your addiction can be broken.

My WH said he realized two weeks after D-Day that I was still hurt and angry, so that meant I would never get over it-so he left. Two weeks, I was supposed to be healed from disasterous betrayal after two weeks (and the whole time, WH would never disclose exactly who OW was-he protected his "image" of her as well as protecting her identity)

I am wishing your family the best-stick around and good job contacting the Harleys.

SNT

I think you need to start debunking some myths about you and the OW. Time to start using the head at the top of your neck. You and the OW are working your way through the standard WS script.

1. The Myth of Specialness.

Oh yes. How can this be wrong when you are both so right together? It was amazing that you met! Except...the stats say it's not amazing at all. Married life with a family is hard work. There are many times when each partner will feel drained and exhausted, and in need of comfort that their spouse has no energy to give. So, all around us is a huge pool of undersatisfied spouses. How hard is is REALLY to encounter one of those spouses who is eager to meet a limited set of needs, in return for having their own limited set of needs satisfied? Finding someone willing to buy you by the hour, is a d*mn sight easier than getting someone to invest their life with you.

2. The Myth of 'the kids will be fine'

Please. How many 5 year-olds do you know who give a toss about whether Daddy is fulfilled? Do you really expect your kids to say "It's much better sharing Daddy with his new family, and SO much better for him to be at peace with himself."? The only people who could buy into such dross are people so steeped in selfishness that they are able to project their selfish fantasies onto their own kids. Think: how do paedophiles justify what they do to kids?

3. The Myth of the OP's golden qualities.

When two people are moving towards a 'deal', do you think they will be showing their worst qualities? Or do you think they will pick up on the complaints that the other is making about their marriage, and unconsciously showcase any attributes which makes them look better? What are your own weak spots that OW has never gotten to see (and I guarantee there are a bunch)? Which aspects of herself do you think she's hidden from you? It's so much easier to hide the truth when the relationship is restricted to blinks of time and conducted in high excitement. You can't hide much from someone in a permanent relationship.

How great a mother is a woman who sleeps with someone else's husband, some other kid's father? How well do you think she does with issues of morality when she interracts with her children? Does she tell them that lying is wrong? How does she explain her absences from their lives, her inevitable distraction and lack of focus on them? How does she manifest her guilt when she's with them? This mother needs to get her act together, start being a responsible adult. You need to stoop being the weapon she uses to damage her family.

4. The Myth of friends' advice.

Friends and family who haven't been through the nightmare give lousy advice at times like this. Most people are terrified of infidelity happening to them. If someone else gets caught, they want that sucker destroyed to serve as a warning to their own spouse. If they have been hearing lots of justifications for the A, hardly any of them recognise that there are two sides to every story. Friends who listen to your side and tell you to get out may be well-intentioned, but they have no wisdom. They may just want to 'please' you. They may just want you to shut up. They may even want to hit on your wife after you're gone. Listen to them at your peril. Educate yourself and listen to your own mind.

And, SNT, there is no such thing as too many questions, a month after d-day. There is a concept of too many questions for you; it's humiliating to see the depths of your betrayal exposed. But your wife needs to make sense of her life. You didn't get away with this without covering up a bunch of stuff. She needs to see your MO, how you went about it, what techniques you used to deceive her. She needs to know how you did it, so she can protect herself in the future, so she can wise up. You owe her that.


TA

SNT,

I suspect your W has been reading here more than you realize. Ask her about Ark's lighthouse thread.... might be good for both of you.

Finding it together w/b an adventure in itself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

At the very least, go take the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. IF she won't take it, you take it for both of you, this means you must take it twice. ok?

L.

Oh boy.

First day of NC ends in about 2-1/2 hours. The only contact I had was sending the OW an e-mail that said there was to be no more contact. I was cancelling everything I was "taking care" of for her including the credit card, cell phone, and other payments. Man, when I look back at how much more money I would have if this hadn't happened, I shudder. I know it is minimal compared to the family I am about to lose but it still just makes me shake my head. FOG is a terrible thing.

My wife came by when I was playing basketball tonight to tell me that she had called the OW. The OW told her that I pursued her, that I had decsribed what an awful wife she was, that we felt like we were both married to the wrong people, etc... My W told her she was forgiven and that she has destroyed a family. I don't feel sorry for the OW but I do feel sorry for my W. I hate that she had to hear what I said when I was in the fog. It doesn't matter how many times I attempt to explain this fog to her, she doesn't buy into it. It is so real though. Last night when I read those posts and I could feel the fog lifting, it was real. Those lenses that had been twisting everything I saw were gone. I don't know how to explain it to my W but I don't think it matters. There are glimpses of when she talks about working it out over the next year(s) but mostly she talks about wanting to be alone. She even mentioned wanting a transitional man so that she knows she can be treated in a way that she deserves. Or something like that.

When she got there she wanted my cell phone so I gave it to her. Apparently, she figured that after she talked to the OW, the OW would call. She was right but I didn't know it. The OW had left a message saying that my W had called looking for the OW's H. She told me that I needed to make sure that didn't happen. I told my W that I hoped she wouldn't follow through on that. It is lame but when I made the full confession, she promised me she would never tell the OW's H. That was mostly for my own safety. He has a lot of guns and I am seriously worried about what he might do. I don't think my W bought into it and she may go ahead and do that.

After that, she followed me to my business and took all the credit card statements for the last 6 months. I had my secretary copy them already and was going to give them to her tomorrow. She hasn't asked but I am going to go around and collect everything that was given to me by the OW so maybe that will help. I will let my W do what she wants with the stuff. She will likely burn it. However, I just want her to know that I am truly trying to separate myself and the NC thing is real. I don't want reminders - a watch, a shirt, a hat..whatever it is. I can't have those things and not think about the OW.

She went through statements and had a miillion questions. I tried to answer them all. She is just so, so mad understandably.

It is ironic that as all my friends were telling me to run, all of her friends/counselors were telling her the same thing. Some of the names she rattled off shocked me. I thought that professionals would understand this fog thing. I guess not everyone buys into it. So, I am surrounding myself with people who are encouraging me to work at it as hard as it takes (you guys and gals) and she still has those who are telling her that I will NEVER change. She will NEVER be able to trust me. That is just so wrong. It may take months but I think that if she would just give me an opportunity, she would be surprised.

I can't count the number of bad decisions I made over the last year or so. When I was making them, mostly they felt justified. They felt like I was making them because I was in some sort of unique situation. Nobody would understand how much this OW and I were made for each other. Stress played a role. Starting companies is very stressful. She understood and would confirm when I complained that my W didn't understand. I guess bad decision number one was to confide marital matters with another woman. If I had it to do again, I would have seen a counselor for myself. Seek professional help. Wow, that would have nipped this all in the bud.

Back to the present...

How it stands now is that she says she needs time to be alone. Legal separation is probably at the doorstep. It is unbelievable to me that I have made this happen through my choices. Wow. I don't think I can short circuit that. I asked her tonight to please go and see the Smalley's in MO or the Harleys in MN with me. She said at this point she has no intention of getting MC with me. She is going to work on herself and figure out why she allowed me to behave like I did for the last year. I understand that. That is when I try to tell her about the fog and get nowhere. If there is anything I could point her to read that describes the mental state of a WS when they are in the throws of an A, I would certainly appreciate it.

My hands are shaking so bad it is hard to type. I just want this last year to be erased.

Keep on praying. I have another 2 hours to go!

Thanks to everyone.

SNT

P.S. I couldn't find the Cruz thread. I would like to read that though.

SNT..

You are everything that has caused my children and I so much pain in our lives... You are my "H"..


AND, I am so proud of you for being here.

You are in my prayers.. and maybe you will help others here as well.

Blessings,

Eibrab

I bumped up the latest thread from Cruz for you.Truly a sad situation but very eye opening.

Hang in there!! NO Contact is the way to go.We are rooting for ya!

Night~

O

You know dude, I am going to level with you here. It takes some real guts to come on a site like this (given the incredibly disgusting way you have acted and have destroyed two families in the process) and air this all out. You should be commended for even seeking this site out. You seem to be "getting it some"...but if I was your wife, and I had to listen to you talk about "fog" and how this "fog" made you do what you do what you did...I wouldn't buy it either. You should SHOW your wife the changes you are trying to make...not try and rationalize it off as "fog",...even if this was the case (which I also don't fully buy...just my own opinion). The facts are that you DID "do" and "say" all of these things. You are off to a great start, but for the Love of God, don't try and get your wife to "buy" any of the reasons that you did what you did. Your credibility with her is a complate ZERO....She shouldn't buy a pitcher of water from you even if she was stranded in the Sahara dessert.

I am harsh on you, solely for the fact that I think you don't "get it" fully when you sit here and question why she doesn't "buy it" that you were in the fog, as in somehow that this should excuse your behavior.

Goodluck....If you "DO" to her what you "say" to us, you can't go wrong. Anything less...you are wasting your time.
I honestly feel that you WILL get another chance to save your marriage and family. Very few people don't try and "save" their marriage at least once. You will get a chance, and you can mazimize that chance, by NEVER saying or speaking another word to that OW. As Pepperband already told you so eloquently above....YOU have done enough damage to two people's lifes...BUT...you can get a chance to reaair it. You found the potential "key" to a recovery...don't lose it.

BOL,

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This is another comment that clearly shows "you still don't get it". Your wife should 100% absolutely tell the OW H. One, it is a "right" for him to know what is going on, and will allow him to make a personal choice if he wants to accept back his cheating wife...and MORE importantly for your wife, it will help CEMENT no contact. You are on your 1st day of NC....no doubt it will be a withdraw for you to keep this up. By telling the OW H, she can buy a little insurance.

The 1st thing you need to do is live with the consequecnes of your actions. Man up here, and accept the consequences. lay it on the line here. It is now your JOB to do whatever you need to do to make your W trust you again and consider reconsilaition. Asking your W to NOT contact the OW H is NOT a way to build that trust. It makes you seem as guilty as you are.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Another post now to brush you off. I can only imagine the extreme self hate and anger that is reeking in your soul now. It must be a very terrible situation where you can't even get away from it because you are "it"

Read about the Program, and find ways to make repartition to those you have hurt. Be giving, givr to charity.....this is a chance to your life for the better. If your marriage survives...great....if not...you will still be ok.


LEM

SNT,

Hang in there...NC is not easy nor fun...part of the consequences... but again...you can do it. People with determination to change do it.

People like us...WS...we had these affairs and we want our lives back...our kids and family intact and we are ill prepared for the reality of what we have done.


Ok...the fog...it is real...but no excuse. You will get more clear headed as the weeks pass. Your feelings will change constantly. Remember...IMO you cant trust your feelings because...they can be so fleeting.

Trust only what you know is right. Affairs are horribly wrong. That any continued contact with ow is blatantly saying that you don't value your marriage, your kids, your wife, the ow's family. Regardless of any and all circumstances...no justification. Take ownership....stand up...it is not to late to be a man of good character.

You are here...you obviously have what it takes to make the necessary changes in yourself. Making the changes in yourself can only impact your wife and your marriage in the most positive way.

I am pulling for you!! I support you wholeheartedly. As a fws...I can't tell you how wonderful you will feel when you have gotten the op out of your life and are determined to make your m a wonderful place to be.

Protect your wife...you really can't protect the ow. If you are ending contact with ow then...you are wife focused only. Ok??? YOU are choosing to get your family intact.

IMO...You are a man that can make good decisions...you can make necessary changes...why?...because you have the desire within you. All it takes is this...willingness to change...willingness to see your wifes point of view...desire for your wife only...protection of your wife and kids and the choice to love them more than yourself.

I want to encourage you. I am still in recovery...only 3 months of nc!!! Things are sooo much better for us. My h is wonderful and I am very happy. My family has my head and my heart again and the m we had pre A...is changing with each passing week. We are not out of the woods by any means yet...but we are excited about each other. My h is starting to communicate more and is more respectful of me now than at any point in our m. A true miracle.


It is all about decisions...it is all about character. It is about opportunities...window of opportunities that you don't want to blow...


Remaining in NC is a window of opportunity for you and to show your wife that you are serious. Infidelity is serious business... Listen, it is all about your wife now...the affair was about you long enough. I am not being critical of you...because I WAS you not too long ago.

Stay nc...post here at all hours if you must...but NO NO CONTACT,

take care,
Brandi...aka...brand new me

Thanks to all. I do feel like I keep checking back here at all hours just to get a pump of advice, wisdom, and/or encouragement.

I just spent a while re-reading some old e-mails that my W had sent me over the last year. Man, was I blinded. She was so supportive. She wanted to work things out. She was giving me every chance in the world to do the right thing.

I sent her an e-mail stating all of that. Again, I told her how I took full responsibility. I told her that she was playing against a stacked deck and she shouldn't feel responsible. It was me who was magnifying all of her weaknesses/problems and minimizing all of the OW's weaknesses and problems just to "justify" what was going on.

I told her for the first time ever I actually feel like I NEED someone - HER! Over the last year, I felt like I "needed" the OW. I compared it to a crack addict. The addict will tell everyone that he "needs" crack. He surrounds himself with people who "understand" his need. They tell him that it is OK for him to need crack. As soon as the addict loses the addiction, he realizes that he didn't "need" crack. Nobody does. Crack is physically, emotionally, mentally damaging. Only after the addiction is over can the addict realze this and what it is he really needs. My addiction is quickly going away. And I realize I need her. I need my kids. I need my family.

Well, it is 12:30 so day one is over. Thanks to all who were so encouraging. Day two has begun and I know I can do it.

SNT

take it a day at a time.

Read a lot, it helps.

You are doing great, but it's early yet.

Can you not go back home? Have you talked to your wife about that?

SNT,
Welcome to MB.
I can relate to your wife. I am the betrayed spouse, who begged my husband for a closer relationship, suspected his affair, and was told over and over again I was the crazy one. When it all came out I wanted no part of him. He had to work incredibly hard to get me to stay in the marriage, just like you will have to do. It will take years. Do not be discouraged. Read as much as you can here so that you understand the timeline and roller coaster of emotions both of you will go through. It won't feel any better, but you can get some comfort in knowing the process and emotional steps that will occur in recovery.
The pain your wife feels now is so intense that she cannot think clearly either. Remember that when she says she wants a divorce, that she is through, etc. I said and felt all those things too, because I was so upset. I wanted to hurt him as badly as he hurt me, I wanted to protect myself from his disgusting lies, I wanted a life without him. If she feels like I did, arguing that you love her and want the marriage will only make her fight you more. The more he tried to convince me to stay, the more I wanted to get the ^&*% out. But after a few weeks, he started to say he understood my feelings, and that if I wanted a divorce it was my choice. He intended to fight for our marriage and would not give up even if I filed.
So I started reading about divorce-got educated on all the things that needed to be done in our state,etc. I left the divorce books laying out where he could see them, started getting the house ready to sell, started looking for a job. As I did these things, he did a plan A on me, changed all the things about himself that I had asked for years ago, and became a wonderful father to our girls.
Slowly, I came to realize that I wanted my girls to have the best life possible, and their parents together was the only way to do that. We went to a MB weekend, (my husband had to beg me to go- I was still in divorce mode) and started the hard road of recovery about 6 months after D Day. It took me that long to even consider a life with him.
Its about two and half years since I found out. Yesterday we took our kids hiking at the state park. The leaves are changing colors and it was beautiful. We took over 100 digital pictures- I was looking at them this morning, not one frown on any face. Both parents happy. We had a great day.
Let me tell you, there is NO WAY I would have believed this was possible that April day my neighbors husband showed up at my door to inform me his wife had been doing my husband for the last year. No way. But if you can follow all the MB principles you have a wonderful chance of recovering your family.
The pain will be horrible for both of you. Keep your focus on your family and that man you are today. Do not give up.

SNT,

Good job reading over your W emails.

While you are feeling strong and good, if I may make a suggestion. Come up with a plan for what you will do IF you ever think about contacting OW. Things at home are bound to get hairy at some point. I want you to be able to say you are doing everything you can to save your marriage.

Do you have a few pro-marriage friends you can have on a hotline? Do you do physical exercise? If we were talking about a drug, people would probably suggest activities ready to distract you from the craving.

I do believe that my WH intended NC, but he just couldn't beat the addiction. I saw his behavior as he headed towards relapse and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

So who are you going to call instead of OW? Keep those emails close by. Maybe print of some of your very motivated post here, so you can remember what you are fighting for.

We ar pulling for you and your family.

Day two has started off ok. I got a return email from W just emphasizing all of the hurt, pain, etc.. I have caused over the last year. She said this "change of heart" she has seen and I have been telling her (since the fog lifted) would have made her jump for joy four months ago. How do I tell her that it just took four months for the fog to lift? I wish it had lifted four months ago but I was still too deep at that time. After reading her e-mail, I guess my plan of action will be to concentrate on telling her how sorry I am and backing it up with actions. The other part will be to focus on the kids and make sure they are protected as best I can do and not made to suffer any more than they will.

Starting Again, I am so happy for you. I hope my wife is going to follow in your footsteps. When I hear her talk, I hear that she is in your shoes on the "April day". She cannot even fathom the idea of me being with her tomorrow much less five years from now. She is repulsed by me. She doesn't love me or like me. But hearing you say that was the way you felt and now you are travelling together...how uplifting. I really needed to hear something like that this morning. Thanks so much.

Lemon Man, I know what you are saying about telling the OW's H. I can see the logic. However, at one time during the A, the OW told me that her H had told her that if he ever found out that she had an A, he would shoot the OM. That would be me! Who knows how serious that is but I don't want to take the chance. Weighing the two against each other, I just feel like I should let the OW tell her H. I think she will soon. I sincerely don't think it my way of protecting her but just protecting myself. I don't mind getting my butt kicked (and I would let him do it) if that would make him feel better. But I just don't want to get dead. Sounds crazy, but it could happen.

I know I have said this before but all of you are my answer to prayer and I hope each of you are blessed for it. I don't want to imagine what I would be doing without you.

SNT

**************

"I took control the other day and haven't let go."

SNT,
You are on exactly the right track. Apologize, be remorseful, understand her pain, and show her the man you want to be. It doesn't matter what she says- let it roll off and keep up the good fight. There is no rushing the process. Hunker down for a few months of brutal honesty and extreme sacrifice so that she may begin to feel safe again. It is very hard, but not hopeless.