have you told her you have gone NO contact
are you in no contact..for real

ark

Hi SNT,

Hope you're doing OK with the NC.You do sound like you are on your way.I hope you will realize there will be setbacks but you have to forge ahead.I've been trying to get another guy over here to post to you who usually hangs out on Recovery now.He is also a reformed WS and is doing great with his wife.I'll keep at it.

Also:

See? Most BS's WANT to have a chance at recovery.They may waffle with staying or going.That is normal after such a painful ordeal but it just shows you that your W still has feelings for you,deep inside and she has to once again feel safe enough to allow them to come out.Keep doing all the right things and show her how sincere,honest and committed you are and things should start to improve,little by little.

REMEMBER: even though things will look good one day,emotions can and will change daily.Expect that it is a normal part of this process and just ride it out.There will be searing anger,depression and sadness,hope and confusion.It's all expected.Keep telling yourself that.Keep your eye on the goal which is to have a better marriage than ever and children who thrive being in your loving home with happy parents.Doesn't that sound so wonderful?

Good luck!

O

Early recovery I could not be 'bought' with anything expensive like jewelry ... because I would imagine that my H had given something of equal value to OW during the A. Be careful .... you do not want to mimic any gift(s) you gave OW. As in ~~~> Victoria's Secret frillies .... now that your wife knows you thought enough of OW to give her such an intimate gift.

(side note: almost 10 years into recovery , I say, "Victoria's Secret? BRING IT ON HUNNY" <~~~ so the boycott may not be life-long.)

This is what WoWed me during early recovery ~~~> dates! My H took me to concerts, plays, nights on the town ... I think our first healing date was Santana concert .... It felt really great to be at that concert ... like a couple of kids falling in love.

Just a few hints about the landmine field of post-A gift-giving.

WE NOW INTERUPT PREVIOUSLY SCHEDULED DISCOURSE FOR THIS LOVELY MUSCIAL MOMENT

Artist: Santana
Album: Evil Ways
Title: Evil Ways


You've got to change your evil ways... baby
Before i stop loving you.
You've go to change... baby
And every word that i say, it's true.
You've got me running and hiding
All over town.
You've got me sneaking and peeping
And running you down
This can't go on...
Lord knows you got to change... baby

PEP..HERE'S YOUR BONGO SOLO

When i come home... baby
My house is dark and my pots are cold
You're hanging ëround... baby
With jean and joan and a who knows who
I'm getting tired of waiting and fooling around
I'll find somebody, who won't make me feel like a clown
This can't go on...
Lord knows you got to change

ARK WHO ADORES OLD AND NEW SANTANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
just thought I'd share...and oldie but a goodie.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WE NOW RETURN TO PREVIOUSLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMING...

have you turned over all her requests..
have you told her you are in no contact..
how did you tell the OW>..
you did tell the OW right..
she also in my opinion has the right to know....
which is not to say you partake in some game of seeking closure...but she is a person as well...and your hurtfulness reaches far on a lot of sides,....

how did you end this..........
you are awful quiet about that issue

ARK

SNT,

How did your counseling appointment go today?

Hey...

I didn't realize I had been silent on the NC issue. This past weekend when I said I had gone NC, I had sent an e-mail to OW stating that there would be no more contact between us. I said that I was going to work on marriage and it had to be 100% and as long as there was contact, I could not give it 100%. I said I was sorry that I was sure this was going to hurt her but it was how it had to be. I told her I was cancelling credit cards, phones, etc... in an attempt to eliminate all possible sources of contact between us. I did tell W about the NC. Last night I recieved a text message from OW saying that I might want to know that she is going to have surgery on her back. That was it. I immediately sent W an e-mail that said I had received a text, what it said, and that I didn't respond. My W sent me an e-mail today that said she was very appreciative of the fact I told her that and that it may represent a new way of thinking on my part. WHEW!

ark- great santana song...i also love that music! great guitar...

Counseling went great today. I would recommend talking to him to anyone. I told him about some past counselor that W and I went to and how I had got nothing out of it. A lot of "how do you feel?" type questions. He said that was called insight counseling and did not work with infidelity issues. His way of handling things is a real practical "plan of attack" approach which I REALLY needed. We have step one in place and I am going to start implementing when I get home tonight. Can't wait. All of you who recommended that I talk to him, THANKS! Any of you who are thinking about it, DO IT!

I may try to get some concert tickets. That's a good idea. The Black Eyes Peas are going to be in ATL soon. Not sure if it will go over or not. Concert tickets were the first "evidence" she found. But she LOVES the Black Eyes Peas. And Gwen Stefani is there too!!! How cool is that?

I will be back on tonight to let you know how Step One went. Haven't had any emotional calls today. Could be another good one. I know that there are going to be some more bad days in the future like OctoberGirl said, but I am really enjoying these good ones.

I even got a phone call today from a friend of mine's wife who is in a similar situation. I won't go into a lot of details but her husband and me were very similar. She had been talking to my W and wanted to know what was going through her H's brain and what she should do and would I call him. Stand back Harley, you have competition! HA HA!

If there is EVER ANYTHING I can do for any of you, name it. You cannot put a price on what you have given me.

I love you guys (and gals),
SNT

hmmmmmmmmm .... our daughter's quarterly tuition is due in a month .... wanna pay it for us?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I immediately sent W an e-mail that said I had received a text, what it said, and that I didn't respond. My W sent me an e-mail today that said she was very appreciative of the fact I told her that and that it may represent a new way of thinking on my part. WHEW!

good for you.....

for a long time snt...you have lived without speaking and acting with truth....
the insidious dangers is lies upon lies...
till you don't know which way is up......

being accountable is an excellent tangible action of faith and wanting to fix this...and change.

you can't fix the past...but you can move through these treacherous waters...
and keep proving your new found respect for the truth in action...

you are doing well.
and you sound good..
be accountable for all your time............

try small small tokens of things...not overt lovey dovey things...

try if you are going over to see the kids stopping and bringing her a favorite coffee...or tea...
or a dessert just for one...
just for her...
leave it with her...

EXPECT nothing in return..

ask and speak of your concern of her..
is she sleeping well
is she eating...

etc...

ARK

I like chocolate?!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Oh, was he talkin' 2 me? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Believe me, when all is said and done...chocolate for everyone!!! (smile)

She said she had another good day today. I was a little scared at the end because we were watching TV before I left the house and a Montgomery Gentry video came on. That was the band that was the concert tickets she found. She instantly put her head down and said something like "This is going to be a lot harder than I thought." When I saw the video, I tried to turn the channel as fast as I could but didn't quite make it. Anyway, I left and she said she had a good day. While I was driving, she called me on my cell and said "Let's just forget about seeing that on TV. I can if you can." Whew!

Two good days in a row. I know something is going to hit soon. So much happened that there is something I have forgotten about or something that I will have seen as unimportant and she is going to be affected by. It really scares me to death. I don't think she has really done too much looking in the last two days. She gets the computer back soon where she took it in to look for deleted files. I am racking my brain to remember if there was anything on it. I don't remember and it is really scary. Oh well, there is nothing I can do about that specifically. I just hope my recent actions and our talks will somehow balance up to anything she finds. I really hope so. We seem to be making a lot of progress (thanks to my new friends - Y'ALL!) and I would hate to take steps backwards.

Another GOOD day, wow! Never thought I would hear that so soon.

Your friend,
SNT

P.S. Did I mention that I got two BIG hugs today and a kiss on the neck? Hubba, hubba...

SNT,

Wanted to chime in here & say that I admire you for taking the steps necessary to make your M work. It seems like your W really wants to give you a 2nd chance here. This is good. Like was previously said though, you need to prepare for the ups & the downs. There WILL be downs. But you can't let it get you down. You just got to keep climbing up the hill!

God will help you through this if you hang on tight to Him. Welcome to the next step in your journey.

I love that storm quote! That one is going to be thought of and re-thought of a lot! Thanks.

When I was in the middle of our seperation, I was e-mailed this quote from a co-worker who was well aware of what was going on & was a Christian like myself. I printed it out & had it hanging on my cubicle at work so I could be reminded daily that the circumstances around me were going to have to be handled by God & God alone. I repeated it day & night & I believe was a good basis for loosening the enemy's grip on my M & my H. God indeed came through & He will for you too.

Going to the Bible study & confessing in front of that group must have been very humbling for you & affected your W in a big way. Good for you.

I'd also like to recommend that you post over on the Prayer Request forum as well as here b/c some of the prayer warriors we have do not come over to GQII. But they would be more than happy to pray for you & your M. God's blessings to you.

SNT,
I'm not sure what everyone else will say, but I know that I would have liked it if my FWH would have said something like "Are there any more questions you want to ask me?"

I think it would have also been good for him to say something like "I think I have told you everything, answered all your questions. However, if something comes up that I haven't covered, I want you to feel free to ask. Don't jump to conculusions that I didn't tell you to keep it from you. Just know it was something I left out- not to hurt you or protect myself or OW. It was just left out."

I have come to realize that are things that don't seem important to him but they are to me. I know that comes from the way we are 'wired' but man sometimes that is so frustrating.

He does answer my questions, sometimes it has been like peeling an onion: lots of layers and lots of tears. I appreciate his honesty. I know she will yours, too.
p

Hi SNT,

Just checking in to see how you are.We are coming up on the weekend so it may be a bit slow.And,I need to address something with you:



The question is: how are you going to prevent this OW from contacting you again? Let's see if you already did the right thing or will give the right answer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Next:



Interesting isn't it? You tell OW that you are stopping contact and are going to work on your marriage 100% and then OW contacts you.See how that works? She doesn't care.She is testing you again.Just beware.

O

By the way,if you're passing out chocolates,be sure to get some truffles!

P.S. Do encourage your W to come here for support if she needs it.We can help her too.

I don't know if I have ever SAID those things but I am sure those are good things to say. The last couple of times she has gone "digging" as I call it, I have not responded like I did the first several times. The first times I would pace and scream but now I just let her do it. I guess I have resolved that I did what I did and if it makes the M fail, then it does. Our M will be so much stronger in the future if she is convinced she knows the truth and is satisfied that she knows the whys and the hows and the wheres and everything else.

We had another great day yesterday. It is amazing to me that things are turning like they are. She had a few crying episodes but instead of wanting me to leave she put her head on my shoulder and I just held her and comforted her while she got it out of her system. It tears me up to think that I have done this but I know that we are both looking forward to what the future has to offer.

BTW, has anyone had any experience with the Smalley thing in MO? We are thinking about taking a week to head out there and do their counseling. It is kind of expensive but if it will help, money is not important. I have three kids, I can just sell one on E-Bay. LOL.

I know this is wrong but I will go ahead and take my lumps. When I got the text, like I said, I told my wife about it. The text said that she was having back surgery and that I didn't have to respond or she was not expecting me to respond or something like that. So I didn't. Not that I would have anyway, but I guess I just did nothing. I just don't want to Contact anymore to tell her there is No Contact. Guess it just seems contradictory. If I get any more contact, I will send her a letter so that she knows that I don't need to know what is going on in her life no matter how traumatic it might be.

I appreciate you checking in with me. I saw my thread was getting moved to third page and it was a little depressing. Ha, ha. Really, thanks a lot. Like I said in the last post, things are going very well. No more digging, a lot of intimate hugs, and smiles galore. The two of us and the three kids went on a long walk last night before dinner. I don't remember the last time we ever did anything like that. She said we looked like the Norman Rockwell family. Don't know about that, but it is a nice thought anyway.

I will check back over the weekend but all of you who are "off" for the weekend, have a nice and safe weekend. I'll be praying for each of you.

SNT

Hi again,

A few more things to address:



As odd as it may seem,your W NEEDS to do this.It is all part of gradually,very carefully,building up the trust you obliterated.Think of it as the very delicate strands on a spider's web.It's going to take a long time to rebuild and make sure it's intact,strong and looks beautiful but time is of the essence.Also,consistency in your actions so she can begin to trust again.

So many times there are those here that do something foolish that tears down the strands built up.Usually *contact* of some form is the culprit.



This is a bit confusing so do clarify.You have told the OW,via e-mail or whatever form,that contact is over and that you are working on your marriage right? Ok.If that is DONE,then there is NO reason whatsoever to contact her ever again.You didn't answer my previous question before and it sounds like you haven't done what is needed so I will mention it.You need to get a new cellphone.The fact that the OW could have texted you is where you need to block.You have to eliminate all avenues of contact that this OW had to you.Normally we would want you to send a NC letter but if you already made it clear to this OW,then there is no need to redo that.That would be at the expnese of your marriage and your W's feelings not to mention setting you back personally.



Sounds wonderful! I am very hopeful for you and your family.Remind me,are you in counseling? Hope so.Wherever you put your energy is bound to be positive.Keep at it.

Don't be shy about bumping your thread up to the top.We always encourage people to do that.It's not personal that your posts get pushed back.In the time I have been here this board,in particular,FLIES.Just keep it active.

Ok.Hope you and your W and children have a great weekend too~Peace~

O

I gave some thought to changing my cell phone number. I guess if the OW attempts C again then I will have to change it. I think that there will be no more C, I really do. So, for matters of convenience (I own companies and my customers have the cell phone number), I will hesitate to change it. However, again, if the OW attempts contact I will have to bear the responsibility of changing it because it will be a necessity. How's that sound?

In the beginning of all of this, I couldn't understand why W insisted on knowing everything. I must say that I was a bit relieved when the computer person called yesterday and told her that all of the deleted files and e-mails were nonrecoverable because of a virus of some sort. I told her that I was sorry they said that and she said "I really don't think you are." She laughed and said that it probably happened for a very good reason. Can't say I argue with her there. Anyway, I got it now. I still don't like it because I love the progress we made and I don't want to go back. I am doing everything I can to rebuild that beautiful web of trust that can withstand storms. But I think she is approaching satisfaction and as long I am consistent in my actions, she will have no reason to go on a digging expedition again.

O - you are really special. Thanks for helping me. I hope things are going well with you.

Thanks to everyone again. Sounds like a broken record but you have all been lifesavers - literally.

Have a nice weekend everyone. I will keep checking throughout!

SNT