95% of affair relationships fail. Good odds huh ?

MB is about playing those odds in proven ways.

Tell your WW that she should not introduce your kids to other people until you are divorced and that you will do the same. Seewhat she says.

Fight tooth and nail to stop your kids being polluted by OM.

Read up on boundaries TT, you're being a doormat right now. Courage is your friend here. WS are not attracted back by enabling , weak BS.

Read my toolkit thread. Loads of good stuff there I don;t need to reiterate here. You have work to do, TT. But it CAN be done.

Thanks for the fast reply.

I have set some boundaries already...

1. The OM NEVER comes to my house. Ever.
2. The WS NEVER sees the OM with the kids present.

I just need to start setting some more, right?

I am prepared to work, I just need to do my homework and think very carefully about how to play the cards I am dealt.

As I sit here, WS is sitting in the same room as me watching TV with me (she can't see what I am doing on the laptop!) I guess she will come under increasing pressure from OM to move in with him, and the fact that she won't will be driving him nuts! heh heh

cheers

TT

PS I am working through your thread, there's a lot of stuff to get through!

TT,

As I read your posts, I feel the lack of any anger or indignation. If you let some of the anger of your betrayal in it will be easier to tell her to pound sand when she TELLS you she is going out with the folks, INCLUDING THE OM!!

If you stand back and look at this, doesn't it get your blood boiling? Mine is!

Melody Lane is so correct when she says you cannot be her facilitator. You must do NOTHING that will make it easier for her to continue the A.

Do you know the OM? Would a man to man discussion be of any help?

k

Hi Krusht

Yes I AM angry, but what I am trying not to be is destructive. I have two children at home, and a wife who is carrying on behind my back. Up until now I have been quite timid I suppose, but everything I am reading here is telling me to get mad! If I get mad, won't she want to leave? Won't that give her an excuse to beat me? I am trying to retain the high moral ground, but it's a difficult path to tread.

Are you suggesting I should somehow prevent her from going on Thursday? I CAN'T stop her from seeing this man - she saw him today in town (while I was at work) and will again tomorrow when she is helping him out with his business. What can I do short of chaining her to the house? Will shouting and screaming change this? No.

Actually I do know the OM quite well. I have up until now made my position clear: I have nothing to say to him, and he can have nothing to say to me. There is also the possibility that if I meet him, I'll spit in his eye and break his face.

What do ou guys think? I'm really at a loss as to know what to do!

BTW I still haven't been contacted by OM's W. Perhaps tomorrow.

TIA

TT

TTall, what do you mean, if you get mad she might leave? She has already left. Sorry, the M you had is already over. Now it's time to build a new one.

And she is NOT carrying on behind your back. She is committing adultery right in front of God and everyone (and you and your children).

Time to get a plan and some backbone, TTall.

You know, that sounds funny coming from me. It took me months and months to grow some cartalage let alone a spine.

What you need to do is read SAA, study the main MB site and impliment a genuine plan A. Read Bob's references. He was a master at Plan A. You can be too.

We are all pulling for you, TTall.

With prayers,

TT,

I guess I meant by getting mad, it would be easier to say no to the babysitting and the things you were doing to facilitate.

You are very correct when you say that you do not want to be destructive. If you are Plan Aing, which is being the best husband, friend, lover, etc you can be to show her that you are the best choice for her, then you don't LB (love bust)including ranting, raving, sarcasm, belittling, etc.

""I CAN'T stop her from seeing this man - she saw him today in town (while I was at work) and will again tomorrow when she is helping him out with his business. What can I do short of chaining her to the house?""

I know, I know!! You do not have the "else". "YOU WILL NOT SEE OM ANYMORE...OR ELSE!!" No "else" no "hammer". There is no one left to expose to? She could care if the whole world knows?

There is no reasoning with her at this point. She is an alien being right now in your W's body. She is addicted to the OM.

I agree with everyone else that you must contact OM's W and learn all you can. Hopefully OM's W will have a change of heart and want the scum back...but I guess we shouldn't hold our breath for this.

Stay strong and keep the high road.

k

TT,

""TTall, what do you mean, if you get mad she might leave? She has already left. Sorry, the M you had is already over. Now it's time to build a new one.

And she is NOT carrying on behind your back. She is committing adultery right in front of God and everyone (and you and your children).""

Aphelion is correct. The time for being tactical is over.

k

If your WW goes on this trip with OM while you babysit .... here is my suggestion ... when she finally decides to come home

she discovers an empty house ....

YOU and the KIDS are gone .... really gone

and NO NOTE as to where you might be ....

YOU take the kids to Motel 6 or some other place where they can have fun ... and allow your wife to experience anxiety at a gut level

You return home after a day of her not knowing where you are ... and your explaination?

"Since you were off having an affair, I decided to have some fun with the kids."

and don't tell her where you were ... just say "Having fun."

TT, I would also be sure and get in touch with the OMW ASAP and let her know their plans this week. If she doesn't call you back, go over to her house.

Since you know the OM, is there any family on his side to whom you could expose? Perhaps his parents? His employer?


How about informing her that she needs to make her calls to OM somewhere else, that she cannot make them from your home? It is extremely disrespectful for her to carry on like a whor* in front of her H and her children. She should carry on her affair somewhere else. And if she goes upstairs to call him, pick up the extension and inform them that there will no affair carried on from this home and disconnect the phone. Every time she tries to call him from your home, cut off her phone call.

And please be sure and let her know AFTER the fact that you are in touch with the OMW. That is very important. There is no reason for you to hide your contact.

Hi everyone

Still no callback from OMW. I have checked with my solicitor, and there's no problem with me putting my foot down over the kids staying at home overnight. She can see them whenever she likes at my house - 7 days a week if she wants - I want them to continue to have a normal relationship with their mother.

However, if she removes the children from our home, I can get a compulsory residency order to get them back in all likelyhood. So we are talking months until we get this sorted out, and she must choose if she wants to stay with the kids at our home, or move in with OM. She is going to be torn between the two, but if she elects to stay with me, that's a good thing, right?

TIA

TT

The meeting the OMW idea has backfired on me.

Came home this evening, and W said had I tried to contact OMW? I said I rang the house and left a message with the daughter, who had recognised me. I hadn't wanted to involve his kids. W says the OMW wasn't very pleased about it, that she hardly knows me (I have been to a party at their house, so this sounds like and odd thing to say) and doesn't want to speak to me. Fair enough, says I.

This is very strange. Why would she send a message to me via OM and my W?

Clearly I have no friend in her. It's quite disheartening, and for the first time, I feel like I have given my W and OM some sort of "upper hand". I asked my W if she was surprised, and she said she was surprised I never mentioned it to her. I said I was going to if I had actually spoken to OMW, but since we hadn't there didn't seem much point.

W has now mentioned she might go for a drink with OM tomorrow night, as I have no plans. Terrific.

TT

Your wife is fibbing

How so, Pepperband? The only way she could have known was via OM... so what is she fibbing about?

I don't know. I think this stuff works for other people, but not me. I think maybe it's time to let go.

TT

Your wife would like to stop you from interfering with her love life ... and whenever you call her lover's wife ... it causes friction in their little fantasy ... Unless you hear it FROM HER VERY OWN LIPS ~~~> OM's wife may not have said this about you at all !

TT

Most cases once OP and WS find out you were contacting OPS they start to lie about it - there is a good chance that OMW's doesnt know he wants to move in with W and is staying at his mom's out of good faith - playing both his wife and your wife. Seriously.

can you find out OMW's work number and get ahold of her there? I think it's imperative you call her. There is a good chance she mentioned to her H that you had called and H put a twist on it - saying you are crazy, or this or that and making her not want to call you back. And then told your wife that his wife doesn't want to talk to you.

Its not uncommon at all - it's a story you read all the time.

Find a way to get ahold of OMW - dont give up.

TooTall – phoning again and again until your hear the OMW tell you directly she does not want to hear from you will not be the hardest thing you will have to do in the next months. Using the W or OM as a messenger between you makes no sense – not for you or the OMW.

Call her again. Let HER tell you she doesn’t want to talk.

TooTall, go over there and talk to the OMW. It is very likely that your W is lying to you and that the OM is lying to his W. This has not backfired on you, they are just trying to prevent you from talking to her. Don't believe anything your W tells you.

I have reached a decision. Two weeks of moping about is enough for anybody. I can't stop her from ruining her life, but I can stop her from ruining mine, and I can limit the damage she does to the kids.

So I am going to be cheerful from now on. No more laying on the massive guilt trip on W. Who wants to be around someone like that? No more Mr Miserable. It's a downer on everyone else, and I am not a miserable person.

It's going to be really difficult, but I am going to make sure my children have a happy home, a Dad who cares for them and looks after them, and I will be cheerful and pleasant to W, even if it kills me. I will treat myself to some new clothes and wear a little gel in my hair. The house will be tidy, and the car clean.

I don't know if this is too soon, or if I'll be able to keep it up, but at least it's a healthy aspiration. I DO know that the longer I stay dejected, the harder it will be to lift myself, and the more people will desert me.

Wish me luck.

TT

So you're just going to ignore the advice you've been given on how to end the affair, just suck up the pain and drive on...allowing your wife to continue the affair unchecked? INCREDIBLE


Look...everyone here told you the truth...why on Earth would your wife tell you the truth about what OMW said?!?!?! What possible reason do you have for believing that she's being honest with you?!?! Now, what reasons would she have for lying about this?? See above...lots of them.

You can either play ostrich, bury your head in the sand and allow your wife to continue on with her current behavior, and PRETEND to be happy (it's all going to be a lie, and that lie will weigh on you more and more as your wife comes home from being with OM all the time)...or you can do something about it. Like take active measures to end the affair...or remove your WW from your life so that you're not living a lie anymore.

Your call. I know that I personally couldn't just act like there was nothing wrong, knowing the whole time that my wife was doing whatever with someone else. You must be a stronger person than I.

TooTall,

All these changes are great but your missing vital pieces to this puzzle.You have to expose. Talk to OMW.Don't believe the stories OM and your WW might claim.This is a classic maneuver.WS's say they spoke to,talked to,called,emailed the spouse,etc,etc but it never actually happens and why? They just want to protect themselves and OP.Don't buy it.

Getting this done should be on your list of "To Do's".When you find out if the OMW does know or not,you can check that off and it will not be an issue as much anymore.Many times just having other spouses in the know makes the A much less appealing and capable.You see this don't you? If she does know then you can compare info.She could be an ally.

Living life and being busy is good for you and it will also show your WW,as much as you still would want to save your marriage and family from more destruction,that your life is continuing on.You are out and about,taking care of yourself and your children and you are not sulking at home while she looks at you with pity.Whether or not your marriage can be saved is the unanswered question but regardless,doing these things to improve your life and that of your kids will always be beneficial and uplifting.

Good luck and keep trying to contact OMW.It's important,just like all the other's have mentioned.

O