Hi all. Have been in plan A for a few months but WH seems too wrapped up in his own guilt trip that he fails to see me at all. He has done nothing really apart from constantly telling me he loves me and that he is committed but his actions are the complete opposite.

He usually stays over on the weekends but lately the arrival time on saturdays is getting later and later he just acts so uncomfortable here.

Anyway, we had had a few words lat friday night regarding his inconciderate treatment of me and so he didnt contact me on Saturday so I knew he wasnt coming over. I had to work early on Sunday and son 1 and son 2 were having sleepovers and i was stuck for someone for son 3 to be looked after on Sunday as I start work at 6.30. WH said he would come over after Son3 went to church and stay with himn till i got home. Well Grandma wasnt going to church so Son 3 had to stay home. I rang and asked WH if he could come over and stay Sat night so that someone was here for Son 3 in the morning. He ummed and ahhed and well i didnt push the issue and said dont worry I will just ring Son1 and tell him he needs to be home early on sunday for Son 3. I was so annoyed and bilwildered why he would do that.

So last night I went out with a couple fo girlfriends I hadnt seen in a while and The 3 boys went to grandmas for dinner and then she was going to drop them home and they were going to stay there till i got home. Anyway I had lost my car keys so had no front door key and Son 1 didnt have his keys either. So I rang WH and asked him if he could go over and unlock one of the doors so that when the boys got home they could get in, I also asked him if he wanted to stay over so that I could stay out later but got complete silence on that issue and a groan because he had to drive over here to unlock the door. So later I rang Son 1 to check on them and He told me that they were home and he said that he broke in thru the bathroom window I said WH was coming over to unlock the door and Son 1 said yes he cam after we got home and was very [censored] because he had to come allthe way over for no reason and stomped down the stairs and slammed the door.

Well I got very angry, Its been all building up in me lately I keep talking and getting no answers. So due to being hormonal and had a couple of drinks and sent him a polite text message that I appreciated him coming over to let the boys in, but that it is over, i cant do it anymore drop your key off etc etc.

There was an email waiting for me when i got home from him saying - Well for starters they were already inside … luke had gotten in

When I asked if he had rung you he said he had…

I told him to ring you and he more or less just got all smug as if he thought it funny that I had had to go all the way over for no reason

And its over … what the ????

You want my key ? the one for there …

So its ok for you to have access to my personal emails etc etc but now you think its appropriate that I cant access there…

Fine …

What ever

This was the response i got. I know my approach was not the best thing but in a way i feel a little relief because I think it will either shock him into realising what he is doing or it will give the answer that I need to move on.

I just need advice where to go from here, I am not going to contact him just waiting to see if he contacts me. Basically I suppose i have self imposed plan B.

People who stay in Plan A too long can end up having angry outbursts which are not attractive to WS.

U r not in plan B....yet.

R u done with your plan A improvements?

L.

Please can u elaborate. I am a total basketcase. Do i go and lay it all out on the table in a calm collected manner etc

Plan A is about you making your own self improvements. If your H has not returned (which most don't) and only the WS exists, then plan B is the next best option. Plan B is not about making improvements, it is about protecting yourself and what is left of your love for your H. Don't love a WS, love your spouse.

So r u done with your plan A improvements? Have you identified your personal boundaries, even if it leads to a D? Have you established your immediate support group and put them on alert?

What have you read from here?

L.

Have you read Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud/Townsend. I have a tendancy of being super nice and giving till I can't take it any more and snap and then put the breaks on. The most important thing I got from this book is that you realy haven't been longsuffering or even set up a boundary till your spouce knows where your boundry is. In fact till you know where your boundry is. This was just a thought I wanted to express since I read your post a few hours ago.

I read the book called 'boundaries'. I think it was by the same author but before it got re-released into different titles. I loaned out my copy and never got it back.

I agree..... but before anyone can see or feel your boundaries, you need to know it 1st.

After reading that book coupled with what I have learned here, I used the boundary as my weapon of choice to fight the A and a tool to help me recover.

I found it best NOT to be too much of a giver and giving until I snap. Got real close to snapping and didn't like the evil path set before me. I learned to balance my taker and it helped.

How are you doing?

L.