Greetings,

This is my first post here, Ive lurked here and there for a day or two now and decided to post about my problem.
First off, my names Brad, 24, married for over 2 years now. Happily married at that, but then theres my problem...

Last Friday (oct 28th) i returned home to discover my wife in a state i have never seen her before. her names Melanie (24). she had confronted me of something Very wrong i had done without knowing it was wrong (yeah, i Know it sounds Far Far fetched that i had No knowledge that it was wrong). Fact is that she at times plainly did not fill my "bedroom" needs. So, i decided to have a little harmless (or so i thought) fun by myself at the click of a button on the internet with *Sighs* Cybersex. that lead to emails, instant messengers, cams and a couple phone calls.
I didnt think this was wrong. at the time.
I barely knew these women, it was Purely sexual. I figured that since i Never met them or physically touched them that it Was Not cheating.
So after being confronted about it and a very heavy/serious mention of Seperation/Divorce <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ...she got me to realize what i had commited there was Wrong, and oh my god... all i can think right now is "What Have I Done?!?!"
I love Melanie, deeply. in everyway possible (but when i say that your probably asking yourselfs "why did you do it then? its wrong") and Never had Any intent to hurt her, Ever. in Any way.
I always tell her (and mean it) that "your my everything".
She may not think so now, but it pains me heavily that I commited such a horrible offence to our relationship.
she now (understandably) trusts me none, does not beleieve a word i say or can forgive my ignorance. but i expect none of the above to come back over night. it's gonna take some, i mean Alot of time im sure.
Does she Know that I Love Her and Only Her? Yes. that i beleieve is so.
All along i just thought i was an average male getting off and leaving it at that.
Wrong once again.
She has also recently noted that she currently feels that our marriage is balacing on a Razors Edge... My jaw drops at the mere thought. but Ive told her that I do not want a seperation of any sort OR divorce. i need her right now, to help me get through this with her so i can help her equally.
All I want is for Everything to be OK again. Easier said than done, i know. shes loosing tons of sleep and barely eating. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> and its all my fault.
but she has her own faults too, somewhat directed at me? before the 29th (when we had a day long chat at the table) I was always terrified of her. scared of making her mad, at little things. so i lied, white lies. to make her day better (once again, no pain intended on her there either). but a lies a lie and they add up.
i never voiced my opinion's in fear of her disagreeing and becoming angered, so it was always "what ever you want to have hunny". it never mattered how hard i worked on the tasks she asked me to perform it wasnt good enough. nothing was. except the sex (to her at least).
she always said lesser than nice things to me and i constantly mentioned that she should listen to herself sometimes. but i Think that was quickly disreguarded 90% of the time.
Her certian dislikes of my mother, hearing about them all the time even though i mentioned that i didnt want to have her say them still came out.
our bedroom lifestyle... i mentioned problems there Numerous times but all were ignored but not forgotten. She can be an amazing lover! but chooses to only do the really fun stuff about once a month even when i know that shes loves it just as much as me as its been told Numerous times.
but i dont think i should be nit-picking at her faults right now. im the one that commited the worst offence a relationship could ever encounter.
Over the weekend and monday weve already began to take the proper steps to healing. correcting the little things with ourselfs before we act. and the best part i feel is that were going to our first couples therapy session tonight. and thats where were at as of now.

Please reply all, i need as much help i can get with this one. my heart aches in pain from what i did. i just want US to be well again.

-Brad

PS. if ya wanna message/email me you can on MSN ecto135back@hotmail.com OR yahoo PM: back9a

Well I for one think that it is great that you realize what you did was wrong, even if you didn't think so at first.
I truly believe that y'all will definitely be ok. BUt you have to give her time. And don't make her feel bad when she brings it up by being defensive. Let her tell you how she feels. Sometimes she may not even be looking for answers but she may be looking to just get off her chest what she is feeling and she wants you to know it and listen. Does that make sense?
My H had a ONS and it hurt me beyond belief. I didn't deserve it at all there is nothing that can make it ok. But I chose to forgive him b/c I realize that he didn't do it b/c he didn't love me, he did it b/c there was smoething missing in our marriage. And that something was God. (I am not saying that is the case for y'all, it just was for us) He partied a lot and I allowed it b/c I was naive. His ONS was the best thing that ever happened to us b/c it brought us closer than you can even imagine. Our whole marriage cahnged for the better! We are both on the same page now. I believe that will happen for you and your wife. But you need to PROOVE to her that you have changed and that she can trust you. STOP what you are donig and never do it again. Sex is an issue that you need to work on together, don't go elsewhere for it.
Y'all will be fine.

Blessings,
Sky

Uncle_Brad,
I'm so glad you have found Marriage Builders! Welcome!

It sounds like you WANT to do the right things here, and that is good. The question is, HOW are you going to meet Melanie's needs so that she will want to meet yours? At MB, there is the policy of the giver and the taker. The giver loves the spouse, loves to give, loves to sacrifice. The taker obviously feels like it's getting the short end of this deal, the other partner doesn't give as much as me, I'm tired of being the doormat, etc. We ALL have a giver and a taker in us. I, for example, clearly woke up this morning with my taker activated. Just happens sometimes. But naming it, claiming it, and changing it are tools you and Melanie can learn thru MB principles. Another MB principle is that it is long-term unhealthy for one spouse to be in Giver mode all the time "sure, hunny" and the other spouse to be in Taker. It doesn't work. Eventually your Giver will get resentful, and the Taker takes over. Then your spouse gets angry, hurt, and confused why you have "changed." This is where the Policy of Joint Agreement comes in, read about it on this site. It is VERY important. My H and I use a MB-counselor approved method of "How do you feel about that on a scale of 1 to 10?" to name our feelings. Works great. "I'm a 10" - let's do it! "I'm a 4." - better talk some more! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I recommend that you both do the Emotional Needs questionnaires on MB, maybe show them to your marriage counselor and see what they think? The thing about sharing the q's is that you present everything positively. What you love, what you need, NOT ever how it's not being met now, or the painful way your spouse DOES do things now. An example for you might be, "Melanie, I love the way you bought my mom a birthday card for her birthday. I know my mom is a real pain a lot of the time, but she's my mom and I love her. I love it when you do nice things for her or say nice things to her or about her, it makes me feel like you love me and meets my needs." Just an example, you could find your own more appropriate I'm sure. It's all about looking for the good behaviours and actions and reinforcing them positively, instead of "I hate it when..." or even "It hurts me when..."

The cybersex thing IS wrong, it IS cheating. It is meeting needs that should be met by your lovely wife elsewhere. It is very painful for her. You will need to listen w/o being defensive, apologize and ask her forgiveness, and do more than promise not to do it anymore. By doing more, what do I mean? Accountability. She doesn't trust you now. She DESERVES to see that you are following thru on your word. That can be a keylogger that she can check, or I heard a great message from the founders of http://www.xxxchurch.com and they have an accountability program that automatically sends reports to the person of your choice (Melanie) a listing of all the sites you have visited for the past 2 weeks. There are many out there who have suffered with this addiction. Even if you don't consider it such, you have a responsibility of accountability to your wife that YOU have set up by your actions. Before there was trust, now there isn't. You taking tangible actions to fix it, EVEN IF SHE SAYS YOU DON'T NEED TO, is very important. Do it anyway. She can look at the report or not, but YOU will know that you are doing everything you can to rebuild trust.

I'm so glad you two are going to counseling. I am so glad that you found MB so that you can BOTH work on your LoveBusters (sounds like there are a lot to go around, there usually are), filling up your Emotional Need LoveBanks, and working on Policy of Joint Agreement. This site has a LOT to offer you both to make your marriage as fabulous and fulfilling as it can be, before you go further down the path that leads to heartache and destruction.

Please get a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Harley and read it chapter by chapter with your wife. It will get you guys on the right path to divorce-proofing your marraige with meeting each other's needs and setting up appropriate relationship boundaries. (Windows to each other, walls to the rest of the opposite sex)...

When everything else fails, love conquers all.

[color:"brown"] 1 Corinthians 13
Love
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

[/color]


Keep posting, best wishes,
MSA

well Brad here it is...Mrs_STOWaway is right . Get on the EN survey with your wife right away. It will help things.
As a BS I put a keylogger on my PC and was suprised to find that my wife was not using the PC to further her affair. It was a comfort to me.BTW the EN survey worked great for us. She knows my #1 need is sex and she meets that need everyday. I make sure I meet her needs as well. Although its been about 4 years trust is our biggest hurtle. So be patient with her level of trust ALWAYS and things will get better. Let her know your needs....she may feel she has not met them and thats why you did what you did. Guilt can be a very funny thing.

Thanks for the kind words guys. i Really need this support right now.
And you mentioned "keylogger"? funny ... she did install one herself on one of our 4 computers (the one i use) and low and behold its a pretty fancy program!!! it took screen caps every hour, recorded instant messages, keystrokes, it did it all. its called "advanced keylogger" she installed it without my knowledge just to see whats going on, ya know?
anyways she later told me about it. and i told her "fine, if you feel the need record my every move its cool" meant in a willing friendly manner. that night it was un-installed! weird.
then i even went as far to offer her me video taping my waking day with the camera and loading it onto my server so she Could watch me at work. but she said "NO" to it. it kinda suprised me, but then again i do want to re-gain her trust too.
However...
Im also about 99% positive that shes "testing" me with very sexual emails under the name Stacey. reason being that i began to recive them Conveinetly after the keylogger was removed. i havent replied to them, just garbaged them in total. and she asks me why i dont reply... because id now find it to be wrong! but thats okay, Test Away!
its such an awful mess ive made here, and i want to do everything in my power and then some to keep us alive. id like it all to just be Over so badly and we can get back to our lifes.
But as she reads her bible i dont think forgiveness is in her mind right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ive apologized repeatedly, asked forgiveness. but i did pray.
"you can take the things i have, the shirt off my back, the house i live in and everything else i enjoy in life... just leave me my sweetheart!"
I may mention God as you guys have as well... as of last night ive now started reading passages in the bible with her before bedtime and i'll tell ya, thats one awsome book.
but Please wish me luck tonight with the couples therapy all... im as nervous as heck about it! im terrified that shes really gonna seperate from me after talking with this guy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> (is it normal to feel this insecure?)

-Brad

You may want to pick up the book called Every Man's Battle. There is also a book in the same series for women whose husbands are struggling with this.

Make sure that the therepist you are seeing is marraige friendly- some I hear are not.
p

Ah, she did the keylogger herself and is sending you emails to test you? I'm impressed with your wife. I can see why you like her.

I'm so glad you have turned to the Bible. Then I recommend at least visiting the xxxchurch website all the more - there is support and I betcha anything recovery help for you and Melanie there as well!!!

Every Man's Battle - good idea moveforward - I've heard great things.

Just go to counseling (pro-marriage, yes!) with an open mind, a spirit of repentance and brokenness and surrender, and listen to your wife's feelings w/o defending your actions. You guys are going to be alright, I believe that. But she has to put her foot down in a major way right now to stem future problems, and it sounds like she knows it and she wants to. And it sounds like you understand that and agree that it's necessary.

Good luck tonight and post again!
MSA

Well, we had our last marriage therapy session last night...
The fella who's providing therapy for us is a really nice guy. i feel Totally comfortable around him. we both opened right up even if it made us mad. not at each other, but at what happened.
it was your average hour long appointment and hes very pro-marriage. and he really listens too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> he found our problem with infidelity to go much deeper. the needs of each other being neglected due to life getting busy? but it made sense.
we go again in 2 weeks. until then we have some homework to do that i kinda like. instead of blurting out how we feel right away we use a number. 10 being the highest and happiest and 1 being, well... bad. :P
all in all we left that office in high spirits, i was suprised (i was a 7.5 and she climbed from a 4 to a 6 by the time we got home). we then proceeded to take the train home and instead of taking our neighbourhood bus home we walked for 40 minutes and talked. it was so positive! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />then to boot in bed last night before and after reading the good book together we talked tons about our feelings and needs/wants. its far from over, i know. but i feel its a great start.
however this morning she was a 3. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> i usually get up around 545-600AM to make her coffee and wake her up (at latest) around 630AM. i havent done this for the past 2 days! Ouch. so i can understand her feelings there. but that can Easily be corrected. i just "get up"! LOL
and then last night another topic flew into discussion then and days before and today...
She may be Pregnant this month.
And prior to this inncident being discovered (which is a good thing) we had been trying. (abortion IS NOT an option FYI) And she feels very uncomfortable with the thought of carring a child in this emotional and mental state shes in right now. but where i stand it makes me as happy as a jack rabbit in a carrot patch! i wish she felt the same.
but once again, its gonna take time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
she also mentioned last night "all of the other girls downtown get flowers and presents..." i would if i had the money baby! i told her. and it hurts that i cant give her what she wants...
but at the same time, shouldnt she just want me too?
or am i wrong?
Id LOVE to shower her with gifts, really i would! it gets so confusing some times.

-Brad

Hey Brad, I hope you meant your first MC not your last. I kept reading and saw that was what you meant.

As far as her being pregnant, that is going to introduce even more emotions and emotional levels into the situation. Just be patient with her.

Many gorcery stores and even walmarts have flowers for five dollars or less. Use a vase you already have. Send her an e-card. Write her a love letter.

They are lots of alternatives to expensive gifts. You just have to be creative. Go to the mall and ask the cosmetic counters for samples of fragrences,lotions, etc - put them all in a gift bag or a box with a coupon for a massage.

If she wants something delivered, have a friend deliver it for you.

Court her, pamper her. It will mean so much to her.
p

Do some no cost romantic things for her like massages (without asking that it lead to sex)- foot massage with lotion- leave her sweet notes on the bathroom mirror, stick post it notes in her sock drawer saying sweet things.

One thing my husband does that I love is that he'll look at me sometimes really seriously and say, "I LOVE being married to you"

Good job, Brad. And hey, congratulations if you are going to be a Dad, let us know! I think it would be a wonderful time for you to be the most supportive and doting partner you can be.

And as far as the gifts, you can read on the Anniversaries and Birthday's discussion forums, emotional needs forums here all kinds of creative ideas for gifts and to express affection. It is definitely the truth that it's the thought that counts. You can pick her flowers, buy her flowers (some flower markets have GORGEOUS flowers that you can arrange in a vase yourself) having them delivered by a friend is a great idea.

Also, just like back when I was in high school and we made "Mixed tapes" to our beloveds (you are too young to remember that) why don't you burn her a CD of romantic songs for her to play in her car or at work? You can even buy a cute CD case, burn a couple disks, and write little notes in the other leaves of the booklet, stuff like that. Pictures, etc.

Just noticing things she likes, doing extra things for her. You know, bring her her favorite candy bar when you are coming home from work, notes on the bathroom mirror in the morning. I love to find notes (Post-its) in my wallet when I don't expect it. Or cards in my car when I'm getting ready to leave for work. All the other girls downtown may get flowers and presents, but trust me, they'll all be jealous of this kind of love. The thoughtful kind. If you are just always on the look-out for things for your wife, you will be surprised how much it means to her. Don't expect immediate payback, (I've forgotten to mention a card or whatever little gesture) but it doesn't ever go unnoticed.

Keep up the good work!

MSA

In my opinion, your wife has seized on this opportunity to straighten you out. Sounds like it is working too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Keep doing what you can to show her that:

a) you get it.
b) you are changing.
c) the changes are permanent.
d) you love her with all your heart
e) you heart is a lot bigger now than it was

Court her. She wants affirmation of how you really feel, in my opinion.

//Larry