i'm giving this one more year. maybe that is unfair of me, but i am tired of not being cared for. i've changed a lot. i'm working hard at dealing with my issues and at being more emotionally mature. i know i have grown.

if it is too late for him than he needs to decide that and let us figure out what to do from there.

if he chooses to keep his head in the sand, ignore everything, then that is a decision too.

i deserve to be reasonable happy not only as a mom but as a wife.

one more year from today. that is my line.

I am now depressed. What plan are you in, what was your discovery day?

In my case, I don't plan on doing Plan A for a year. In a couple of months, I expect a commitment to our marriage from my husband. Our marriage doesn't have to be fully recovered, I just need to know that he is committed to seeing our marriage through. If not, its onto plan B for me. I don't have years to waste pining my life away for xwh. At this point in time, I feel I have done a great Plan A and husband is definately interested in me, once again, but I still do require that verbal commitment to full restoration, which means a lot more hard work on both of our parts. No more, being one sided, with me pulling all the weight.

i was the WS, i confessed just over a year ago.

FL,

""but i am tired of not being cared for.""
""if he chooses to keep his head in the sand, ignore everything,""
""i deserve to be reasonable happy not only as a mom but as a wife.""

Is your H fully aware that he is not pulling his weight in your eyes? Sometimes we men need to be hit with a 2X4 just to get our attention.

Was he the one that begged you to come back? Do you feel he is punishing you? Does he feel that you should now be catering to him....forever??

k

a fundamental flaw.....

how are you going to measure success? hmmmmmm?

and if you are giving your H a "test" he needs to be told EGG ZAK LEE in DETAIL what it takes for him to succeed ....

if you don't do that .... then it's a set up for him to fail ...

PS ... if my H said this to me one year after D day ... I'd be divorced.

(soooooo.... it's a good thing you and I are not married <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> )

edit for rudeness

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

he did work hard to get me to re-commit to the marriage, he did not, at that time, know i was cheating on him.

he did such a good job getting me to re-commit, that i confessed everything so that i could be a proper wife for him. because it was the right and fair thing to do. and because that was the only way to take him out of the risk he was in, a risk he didn't even know he was in, the risk of finding out on his own. and i realized i was betraying him everyday even though all As were over especially since the one OM was his "friend".

pep, why edit for rudeness, i'm a big girl, you think i need a 2x4, go for it.

i have not said to him i'm only giving it one more year, nor do i plan to. and i suppose you are right, maybe there is not concret way to measure success and failure.

yes i told him that the way he treated me on wed is inappropriate, unfair and wrong. i did not yell or say it meanly. i informed him that sort of behavior is damaging our marriage. and if i have learned anything it is that i need to communicate everything to him. even if he does not want to hear it. i have to tell him or i am not doing my job. there is no way i am going to quitely let resentment and hurt build up without him knowing it.

so yes, i believe he understands.

he did apologize, he said he was wrong and that he just cannot do that anymore. i told him i could forgive and move on but each time it is getting harder and it is damaging our marriage. i was very clear on that point.

he does not apologize very often, he seemed sincere.

so pep, how long do you think i should wait. i suppose the answer is suppose to be till death do us part. right? you would be divorced if he said that because it would of angered you or because even at 2yrs things were not better.

but i deserve to be reasonably happy too!!

i really am not sure if i am 100% sure about my 1yr from today comment. but i true think i am.

we are not working thru this, not at all. he has never read any of books, he does not want to talk, no way for MC nor IC for him. no way is he wearing his wedding ring.

i don't know what to do!!!

go ahead and be rude. i really don't care.

if i am having problems being patient and need a 2x4, go for it, seriously.

maybe you are right, if you are saying i have to have more patience.

i appreciated his apology, probably not as much as i should be. maybe i should focus on that.

i need some sort of light at the end of the tunnel though. is that so wrong?

i am willing to do whatever it takes.

but i also demand to be treated with kindness and compassion too.

twern't a 2X4

t'was a rude reference to being on your period ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

ohhhhhhh. ok.

do you think i am just losing patience?

i'm leaving internet connection till sunday, i'll check back in then. thanks.

no

I think you're losing focus ...

and I think sometimes you hit an emotional wall and then throw up your hands and give up

everyone does that

but just BE CAREFUL

if you're going to give your H a test make sure you know BEFORE HAND how you're going to grade it

saying something like "I demand you show me some respect!"

is different than

"I feel disrespected when you say ....."

Your Taker wants you to run away ... have you noticed that?

i certainly do notice my urge to run, when i feel panic i just want to get away.

Gotta say that when I read this "rude reference" it hit me that I just might have been more emotional and more tired because I'm going to get my period this week.

I have been trying to measure how my period impacts me every month and I always seem to forget how much more I cry or get upset the days prior to my period.

I wonder next month when I cry if I'll remember my period is coming? I try to remember better next month.

FL,

What you need is a plan. I mean a plan that entails what it would take for you to be happy with your H. A plan that entails what it would take for your H to be happy with you. You two need to talk about these things in detail. Do it politely, do it with conviction, and make it sensible. You could start by writing down what you expect from a marriage and then decide which of these things your H could not meet or has no record of meeting.

He needs to do the same. THEN, you can talk about not "working" on your marriage, but traveling to a place you both enjoy. He has to decide if he is your travel companion or not and you his.

Time to talk. Pep is right. You can set the date, you can decide on that date, but if he doesn't know what is going on he is getting blindsided. It is time you two sat down and decided on what behaviors make you feel loved. What behaviors make you feel unloved. What new behaviors you would like to see.

Get this plan together, and do it with him.

God Bless,

JL

PS: I think a good plan would also include what to do when one of you gets royally ticked at the other. It is allowed in the plan to be mad at the other. It is allowed to be disappointed in the other. But, it should be spelled out how one ends these fights, how the "make up" goes, and what you need from him and he you when one is mad at the other, and then calms down. Most people plan to be happy, but when you really need a plan is when things are not going well. How do you handle that, how do you make up, how do you tell the other person "I'm sorry." in a way that the message is for real?

OH JL, you are always telling me to get a plan!!!

and as always, it is very good advice.

especially the part about having a plan that includes when one of us gets ticked at the other.

and i suppose it would not surprise you, or pep, to hear me say perhaps i was being overly sensitive.

yes, i think his actions were inappropriate and he agrees but i also realize my reaction was too dramatic. he did too. but he also said he understood why and that it is understandable. for so much of our marriage he would be so very critical. i truely believe, he never understood how much damage that was doing to me and to us.

of course, looking at this now i can laugh at myself some because i was not saying. "that's it i'm done!!!" i said... that's it, in 1 year i'm done.

so, yes, i was thinking about running, this is true, because of my panicy feelings and cuz i just don't want to be hurt, but look how much i've grown... i'm now able to wait a year!!!

ok, i hope some of that made you smile cuz i was actually attempting some humor there. laughing at oneself is a good thing sometimes.

but on a serious note, cuz this stuff is serious. there are good things to see here. 1. i was able to tell him in a calm way, how his actions impacted me and 2. he did listen. and he even agreed and apologized.

he later asked me what i meant exactly by our marriage being damaged when this happens. i started to say, well i'm not saying that would justify me having an A, i'm never going to do that again, he cut me off and said he knows, he was not thinking that. i said it simply means it damages a relationship, makes it hard to be close. but i made it clear i am committed to our marriage. i think that is what he was wondering.

so now i have to officailly eat my words here, cuz i am not just giving it one more year. i really am here for the long haul.

i do believe a big part of this is still more about me. there really was no reason to panic so much. not only do i panic when i see trouble, i can panic when i don't see trouble either. cuz then i am panicing about why there is not trouble and how i am sure there will be soon.

i still have much work on myself, emotional maturing, to do.

i realize that i may have a deep subconcious problem accepting love. i plan to talk to IC about that tomomorow. if i can dig it out of my subconcious and into my conciousness, i can work on changing it. i think that is something that impacts me in many ways, including my ability to enjoy SF, it's hard for me to accept, it does not feel safe and my head blocks complete enjoyment or if i do physically enjoy it to the max, i end up crying afterwards, which is not very enjoyable.

and now i am seeing, it does not feel safe for me to accept love in other ways either.

i need to convince myself it is safe to accept love.

really makes one wonder.... how did i make it to age 42??

Hey FL, I ask myself often how I made it to 44! Good job with the communicating with hubby and I do hope you listen to JL.

[color:"blue"]well ... news flash ...

you WILL be hurt ... I WILL be hurt ...

There is no one alive that will never be hurt again

no matter how much you run

how much you resist

you WILL be hurt ... I guarantee

so instead of trying to position yourself in an IMPOSSIBLE fantasy world where you will not be hurt ever again ... (ain't no place like that) ...may I suggest

YOU learn how to toughen up and live with integrity through the hurt?

being hurt is a part of life

the worst hurts are the self-inflicted ones anyway ... those are the ones WE could have prevented ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />[/color]

FL2TM, I have no concrete advice to offer; I am going through the same bloody thing. I just want to offer you support and praise you for still being open-minded enough to want to work on it, and not throw your hands up in the air. Hugs, Hon.


slh