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Definitely and thanks for asking, like I said I think I need the support from you and others to get through this.
Right now, she is dealing with "morning sickness" which lasts all day and isn't totally available to me. She was the same way with our first two. We are planning on keeping the baby and I've done my best to be honest with her and myself. I'm not sure how I would handle it if we did the testing and found out it was his. I'm even more worried how I would handle it if he made a play for visitation.
[Campdog-I get your comment about 'jail'.]
Anyways at this point I'm doing my best (she is too) in putting the past behind us and dealing with this as our child. It's important for me to get attached to this pregnancy and be there 100%. I'm trying not to do "what ifs" anymore but instead just speak of the child as mine.
Her and I have agreed that testing will be my choice. At this point I have no interest in knowing nor does she. If I find myself more comfortable about the situation down the road I may ask for testing. I find that I bond more with a child after birth and I want that time first.
I'm not entirely sure where to take this post other than just getting general encouragement that I'm doing what's right. I want to do what's right for me, her, our kids and this child.
More often than not, I'm taking one day at a time...
I'm not the voice of experience nor an example of someone doing everything right. I'm just an example of too many people here...trying to get things to a place that makes sense.
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Definitely and thanks for asking, like I said I think I need the support from you and others to get through this.
[color:"blue"]I've kept quiet up to this point, but now that you've decided that you are keeping this baby I wanted to introduce myself and invite your W to begin reading and posting at this site. Quick wrap up, I am a WW who had the OC almost 5 years ago. My H, who used to post here but is now quite busy and doesn't get any time to do so anymore, was in your exact shoes 5+ years ago. Our D-day was July 2000. We have never done any testing and were lucky that the xMOM never did find out about the P. Our little girl is such a joy to us, but it wasn't always that way through the pregnancy. I just want to support you both as you go through this time, and offer any examples or advice I can. [/color]
Right now, she is dealing with "morning sickness" which lasts all day and isn't totally available to me. She was the same way with our first two. We are planning on keeping the baby and I've done my best to be honest with her and myself. I'm not sure how I would handle it if we did the testing and found out it was his. I'm even more worried how I would handle it if he made a play for visitation.
[color:"blue"]We were lucky in that regard, that the xMOM was so into himself and what "we had made him loose"(he was basically kicked out of the military and reduced in rank while waiting for a medical discharge and being sent "home") that he never even knew that I was P. In the state that all this happened, we did check on line with the paternity laws and found that unless he filed within a certain time, he was out of luck and could never try to claim our little girl as his. Basically, the law stated that if the "father" of the child didn't realize that having sex could produce a baby and didn't file in the specified time, he had no rights. We are WAY past that time period now and we won't ever have to worry about him possibly finding out. [/color]
[Campdog-I get your comment about 'jail'.]
Anyways at this point I'm doing my best (she is too) in putting the past behind us and dealing with this as our child. It's important for me to get attached to this pregnancy and be there 100%. I'm trying not to do "what ifs" anymore but instead just speak of the child as mine.
[color:"blue"]This is a very good plan for you both. I can tell you that it WILL be hard on your W right now, dealing with morning sickness and the guilt. Support her as much as you can! Have either of you done any of the questionares on the website yet? I highly recommend doing them NOW if you haven't! They are a great road map to what you both need to do to repair the foundation of your M so you can rebuild a stronger one from this point on. [/color]
Her and I have agreed that testing will be my choice. At this point I have no interest in knowing nor does she. If I find myself more comfortable about the situation down the road I may ask for testing. I find that I bond more with a child after birth and I want that time first.
[color:"blue"]My H bonded MUCH more with our little girl after she arrived. That's actually the norm anyway, as you stated is your personality. Right now is the time to work with your W and your M. Taking care of baby will happen soon enough. The more you can help with Mom, the better the P can be. I'm not saying that YOU don't need support right now either. I'm just speaking from experience from your W's possible point of view. [/color]
I'm not entirely sure where to take this post other than just getting general encouragement that I'm doing what's right. I want to do what's right for me, her, our kids and this child.
[color:"blue"]Ditto to what I just said above. How old are your other children? Our older 2 are now teenagers and we've actually never said anything different about their baby sister. I'm not sure if we ever will either. We might, but at this time it wouldn't be the best thing to do. [/color]
More often than not, I'm taking one day at a time...
[color:"blue"]Right now, that's all you can do. Again, I wish to extend the invite to your W about coming here to read and post. I am quite a ways past the point she is at, but I can well remember what I was going through at that time. Keep posting and asking your questions. Even come here to vent, cause that's what we are here for.
Sincerely, [/color]
Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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If you wanted to read things my H has posted, you can do a search with the username "Sailorman59" but you need to search back at least 2-3 years. It will then bring up what he has posted. It may help to see how he dealt with things at that time. He registered in Oct of 2000, but I believe that his last post was either in 2002 or 2003. I can't remember for sure. Hope this helps a bit.
Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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Hello Everyone, especially the gentlemen...
I am a BW. My H had an affair with a MW. Her husband was very accepting of the whole thing, wanting us all to be a big happy family. My H and I were like, NO, the A was a ONS. I'm just wondering your perspective on this. Any and all information I can get will be helpful. My H and I plan on having NC. The OW and her H is against NC and fighting it. Is this normal? How do men normally feel about this situation. It seems as though you gentlemen choose to raise the child as your own. Any and all help. Thank you.
April - Affair
May - OW tells H that she's pregnant
June - OW's H calls to inform me of affair and pregnancy
August - Present - Working diligently on marriage. In counseling at church.
December - OC Born - NO CONTACT!
May - DNA TEST NEGATIVE - MY H IS NOT THE FATHER. THANK GOD.
My new Title - BS w/ OCS (Betrayed Wife with Other Child Scare)
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Well, since you asked... If it makes any difference you have my whole hearted support. I believe 100% that you're doing the right thing. It's a BABY bro and he/she don't care who's sperm brought them here. We shouldn't either. I was typing this one handed but my baby grabbed at the keyboard and I had to stop to tickle him. He's crawling around my feet ATM.
I HATE what my wife did but I am so glad that she kept the baby and risked our marriage in so doing. I wouldn't have had this baby biting my shins if she didn't, no matter what comes afterward. My point is that our kids gotta deal with our baggage no matter what. The things that make a difference in what a person is made of and what kind of person they will be will come from YOU bro, it ain't genetic. It sounds like you understand this. Good.
I'm not a sage, don't pretend to be. I'm lost in a deep, dark, scary woods and I don't know the way home. But what I do know I'm certain of and I'm certain that it's more important to be a Dad than a father. I'm a lurker as I said bro but ask and I'll answer to the best of my ability.
crazy, I think we've touched bases before. I may be mistaken but I know I've read yor posts. If it were up to me the OM would drop dead in the next 30 seconds and never see my son again. I've thought a lot about the issue and if it were I who conceived a child outside of my marriage I think I would give him/her up if that were a possibility and live with the sadness. It's a very real possibility that my marriage may not survive the influence of the OM precisely because of the visitation issue. I think the OW's husband in your case is a lunatic. Beware.
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Campdog - Are you my alter ego? Lunatic is the exact word that I had.
Thank you for answering.
April - Affair
May - OW tells H that she's pregnant
June - OW's H calls to inform me of affair and pregnancy
August - Present - Working diligently on marriage. In counseling at church.
December - OC Born - NO CONTACT!
May - DNA TEST NEGATIVE - MY H IS NOT THE FATHER. THANK GOD.
My new Title - BS w/ OCS (Betrayed Wife with Other Child Scare)
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How's it going Slash? You OK?
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So now there's a baby on the way and we don't know whose it is. My wife and I already have 2 children together.
...
She has an appointment to have an abortion but we are really troubled with the thought of doing it. Both of us agree that if it were his that we would go ahead with the abortion.
Why does she have an appt if she has no clue who's child it is?
Can he contest peternity?
If she has an abortion, paternity is irrelevant.
I think I'm prepared to raise this child as my own but that's as much as I can handle. I don't want to raise it and share it with him.
You wrote you both agreed she would have an abortion if it is his, so you would not raise the child "as if" it is your own unless it IS your own.
Don't know about the laaw but I woulod think if he can show any reason it MIGHT be his, then he could protest paternity and could get visitation/custody/child support or any/none of the above.
Before you go much further, I highly recommend you get legal counsel as well as a DNA test with you (without getting the other guy involved).
Prayers & God Bless!
Chris
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slash,,,,,,, sorry to see that you find yourself in this confusing situation. the good news is that you have found a place that has some people with super human emotional strength and can lead you though the trials that you are facing and the ones down the road that you can not yet see. they have wornout the same shoes you are walking in now. i used to be here a lot but with the busy household here and work i only have time to lurk from time to time.
i am raising the sweetest little girls in the world who will be turning 4 in less than a month from now.
in your case i have to say that without knowing 100% that the baby your wife is carrying is not yours i feel you should not consider the abortion path. and for the record i am NOT an anti abortion advocate. your wife can have dna testing done in plenty of time to still allow for that option if the 2 of you were still considering it.
i just wanted to let you know that it is very possible to love that baby whether you know the child is yours biologicaly or not. believe me that my little girl has just as much acreage in my heart as my other 7 bio kids. and i am telling you there is no mistaking the fact that she is not the creation of my loins.
i can tell you that just your coming to a place like this says to me that you are a lion hearted individual who's marriage can grow stronger and you also can love that little baby more then you can even conceive at this time.
good luck, keep your head up and your eyes on the stars and things will work out. pops
p.s. campdog i am glad to see that things seem to have worked out and life is moving forward for you.
me-59 ww-55
married 1979 - together since 1974
6 kids together 15,19,21,23,29,30
my oldest son 37
d-day (confession day) memorial day 2001
oc born 12/20/01
now 8 grandchildren
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Not quite the case my friend. I don't wanna hijack this thread so heads up for my post in another one as soon as I get a bit more time.
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Hi Pops,
It is good to hear from you again. It seems things are going well. I sure hope so. Just wanted to say Hi and see how you are doing. I presume you are taking good care of yourself healthwise.
God Bless,
JL
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Just thought I'd check in and let anyone who's interested know that I'm doing well. I appreciate all of the advice and it's helped a lot getting me through this.
I'm not the voice of experience nor an example of someone doing everything right. I'm just an example of too many people here...trying to get things to a place that makes sense.
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What have you both decided upon doing?
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I suppose you could say "we" decided. The reality is I felt that it wasn't as much my decision to make as it was hers. I don't believe that she ever really wanted to have an abortion. That was something she was willing to do for me. That being the case I don't believe our relationship would ever stand a chance of recovering if she had an abortion "for me". Besides the constant wondering if it were my child and if my child was aborted as a result of her mistakes doesn't lead me to believe it was something I was comfortable with. There are many more issues that I could list but we are going ahead and having the child as if it were my own. So far it's been left to me to decide if I want to challenge that. I can't rightfully say how I would deal with it if it's not right now. I think that's better left up for the future. I've been honest about that fact with her and we'll have to see where it goes.
I'm not the voice of experience nor an example of someone doing everything right. I'm just an example of too many people here...trying to get things to a place that makes sense.
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hi. it's my first time here. i'm in a similar situation but i am the the other actor -- the wife who cheated and got pregnant. how are things coming along with your decision?
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If you are married and living together at the time of the birth, you may be on the hook for child support even if paternity is proved to be the lover's and even if you have become divorced. Think about that in five years -- on the hook for the child of a lover to the wife who is now your ex wife and living with the father of her child but you are paying child support. It may be in your best interest to separate until the birth. Some state laws predate paternity tests. A lawyer today may save lots of grief tomorrow.
Cherished
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Cherished..
May I butt in here and ask about your advice to possibly seperate ?
What would that do for this situation?
And, would the husband being placed on the birth certificate as they are still married override the seperation ?
Interested for my own sake.
Thank you,
Eibrab
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E, the advice to seperate is for a husband facing a oc situation with his wife. i think what cherished is saying is to think carefully about the future. A BH could potentially find himself in the event he is not able to rebuild his marriage with his WW, paying child support for a child that is not his. If he missed the window of opportunity to legally question the paternity of the child (i think generally about 2 years from the birth), the courts can deem him to be the father regardless of the genetics. if he then ends up divorced, he could face a child support bill and have no ability to shift responsibility back to where it belongs. The nightmare situation then becomes him facing a CS bill while WW gets back together with the OM. NOT a pretty picture. BW too are also sometimes given the advice to effect a legal seperation and file a CS claims before the OC is born. In some places the courts will order the lions share of available CS money to whoever gets the claim in first. So a BW with 3 kids might find herself getting a pittance becuase WH has already faced a CS claim from the OW who recieved most of the available support. it sometimes doesnt make a difference that the COM were a pre existing obligation on the WH. I am all for fair CS, but that doesnt mean that one child is supported to the detriment of its siblings. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Carolyn
BW -33 (Me)
WH-38
M- 4 years/together 10
OC (girl) born 03/03
D-Day 08/02
True friends stab you in the front - Oscar Wilde
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Carolyn..
You are so good to me....you have been a sort of encyclopedia of life for me in this mess...:)
What I was actually wondering, was if this "seperation" manuveur was something legally beneficial to the H here. I was asking for selfish reasons as the FMOW in my life had moved out from her home at this point and her H wouldn't allow her to come home until DNA was proven...although her H is listed on the BC, by law and choice, I believe.
Can you tell I still think alot?
Eibrab
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