That just hurt my feelings True. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Just kidding, but if you'd rather I be "Mr. Serious" I can play that role. Just let me know.

So, I am downloading some music from the internet and found this song called "Somebody's sleeping in my bed" by Dru Hill. Now, I don't listen to worldly music anymore because I can't stand sexually graphic lyrics. But I was soooooo giddy that I found this song because back in the day (4-5 years ago maybe) I used to get my groove on to this song.

So I downloaded it and played it (while I'm working here) and it made me tear all up and I almost cried. Now mind you, this is a grooving, get your freak on song. But I listened to the lyrics and it almost made me cry. "Somebody's sleeping in my bed, messing with my head, taking my place....What else do you want? What else do you need? I've given you everything thing, cross my heart. I gave you my world, cuz you were my girl and you still played around on me!" He goes on to talk about how cold she's become and how his friends are telling him somethings wrong. Instead of just dancing to it without a care in the world, it was so personal to me. Very sad because I used to love that song. He ends up dumping her!

Anyway, I don't desire to talk to OW, just wanted to make sure her number was the same so if it comes up on the bill, I'll know. I need to ask my H for a copy. Haven't seen it in awhile. Am I the only one who still does this occassionally?

You know what? I think my H is spying on me. Really. I think he might be reading here again and not telling me. A few suspicious things, but can't be sure.

2

2, would you explain to this non-funky white boy what it means to "get your groove on" and "get your freak on"???

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Rocked,

I was just about to apologize for hurting your feelings with that serious comment yesterday, and I sign on and see your message to 2 above. So, I am sorry I hurt your feelings, BUT you are still a goofball <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Rough time at MC last night. I went there not really wanting to talk, and in a fairly positive mood....but somehow it became all about my problems and how I need to just get over it, basically, so I talked almost the whole time, and left unhappy with her, my H, and mostly myself.

She told me that I do not listen to my H's point of view about why he had the A, and what actually happened, because my version of the A is based on a untruths created by me. I was livid at her. She tried to tell me that the A and the OW took nothing from me, unlesss I let it. I wish that were the case. Maybe it is a choosing thing like loving is, if it is then I guess I am choosing to remain hurt, b/c I do feel like the OW took some things from me, or rather she was given what was precious to me. The story that is in my mind is just the things that my H has told me. I suppose I do add some things, b/c he cannot remember them, so I try to guess. I will give her that part of it. But, she said because of my beliefs about what love should look like and should act like, I am not seeing that I could be wrong. Again, maybe that is the case, since so many people have affairs. Maybe love should not be forever. Maybe it IS just until I find someone who can make me happier, but I will keep you in my back pocket in case the new one doesn't work out.

She also stated that there are worse things that can happen to a couple than an A. I don't know what. She used the example of cancer and death. But the truth of the matter is that it would have been much easier to have my H die then to find out he was someone I did not know who could purposely disregard my feelings and disrespect our marriage. I would miss him terribly and I would be at this awful place right now, too....but it would be a place that I could still see him as the honest caring man who thought I was a miracle in his life. Instead, I am in an awful place knowing that I do not count for much in his mind.

I also stated once again how I felt the OW replaced me. It bothers me most that she replaced me as his best-friend, He says she didn't...this is one of those times that I don't listen. It is obvious to anyone with half a brain that he did replace me that way, even for a short time. She then asked him how I was unreplacable. It took him a moment, and then he said something like she is my wife and the mother of my kids, and we have been together for 17 years. Gee, I am glad I at least have 2 qualities that are nice and a history with him, but I guess everything else is replacable. I once asked my H to write me a list of things that I held over the OW...what made me more special than she....the only one I really remember is that I was a good mother. I love being a mom, and treasure my kids...but I want my H to think I am more special than any woman for things that are ME. Not, just b/c I bore him some kids. I want to be loved for the qualities that I possess...I want my qualities to outrank every other woman out there...isn't that why he married me??? It made me wonder if we did do the wrong thing in marrying before we found out if there were other people for us. Maybe we would both be happier today.

Something died in me last night. I am hoping it is a positive death, b/c I have chosen not to even talk about the A anymore(I was not even going to write here anymore, but felt I needed to vent sometimes). I suppose I should have done that months ago anyway. I was giving myself until the end of the year to mourn or whatever, but I guess even my own healing timeline is out of my control.

TTYL!


True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />


2, speaking of songs... Kelly Clarkson...I didn't really like her before, but she has captured some of my feelings perfectly...the song "Because of You" is a perfect example.

True, my heart goes out to you. You ARE such a fine person with many exceptional qualities and it doesn't seem like anyone you mentioned is recognizing or acknowledging them.

If I went to a MC who hinted that "I" (BS) was the one with the problem and that "my" view of love was unrealistic, I would have walked out, apologized for the table and lamp that crashed to the floor behind me, and walked home without my spouse. I can hardly sit still as I type this. That burns me up. Grrr!

Why is it that people (usually those who have never been betrayed by a spouse's A) expect us BS's to "just move on and get over it"??? Like it was bad gas or something!

2, we care here for you and you know I care. Let's none of us believe the lies and over simplification others throw at us. What happened scarred us for life. Yes, we can/will heal but scars are part of us until we get laid 6-feet under. Keep your chin up. You're an awesome woman of God!!!

Thanks, Rocked, for the reply.

To give my counselor some credit, she did say that she could understand why I felt the way I did, but that even though I did feel that way, I could still be wrong.

My H is very tense today. He says he can tell something snapped in me last night. I prefer the "die" statement instead. I sat there and the counselor told me that I was still all the wonderful things that I was before the A, and that my H never stopped believing those things about me, but again, I find that hard to believe. I just cried as she said them, because I cannot imagine that I am anything good at all when I have an H who had an A. I know that I am different from him, but if I had been in the same sitch as him...I would have left him. If I had feelings like that for another man, I would have questioned my love for my H too, and either left him, or said...WTF, my H is my one and only and I cannot do this, I love him too much. Unfortunately, my H did not do that. He just cast me aside for the experience of new love.

He thinks I am going to leave him now. I guess this last year has not taught him anything. I figured he knew by now that he was stuck with me until he decides to leave. I am here through thick and thin. I stayed when he shattered my heart into a millions pieces...why would I leave him now? I made a vow to God, and I will keep it. He said he wants "us" to be ok....well, he didn't care about us last year at this time...last year on this day he was still begging the OW to come back to his bed, and heart. However, I told him that we were just fine, and I mean it. Like I said earlier, this chapter is now closing for me. I am forced to move on earlier than I wanted, but hopefully it will make everyone happier in the end.


Well, I better go. We need to set up the Christmas tree, and that means finding room in this little house. Boy, I miss my house in NC. Life was sweet at this time last year(or so I thought)...I miss that sweetness too(or at least the illusion of sweetness).

TTYL

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for sharing True. Hang in there. Anyone nowadays who respects the vow they made to God at the wedding alter as more important than the temporary thrill of an A should be exalted and praised. May God bless you abundantly as you stay True to Him.

Kinda lonely in here today. I'll take it as a sign that everyone is doing well. (Or that holiday is awfully busy posting on other threads). HA.

Signing off for today. Take care ladies.

Hey Guys, I'm home! My H made a BIG production out of our anniversary. VERY nice, VERY thoughtful, Very loving! We had a great time and appreciated it very much.

Unfortunately, things ended with everything you guys are talking about coming up on the way back from the airport. I told him that I didn't feel like MC was helping much anymore. I thought we should take a break. He tried to point out what our MC has said that this is NOW about me getting over it...just like what your MC is saying True.

I explained using an earlier example my H gave me of someone we know who lost a son. I told my H, like Mr.X, I think about this every single day. Every couple of hours on a good day, every 10 minutes on a bad day. I explained that I'm not throwing in the towel, that is why I gave him the devotional for our anniversary, that is why I signed up for the women's bible study on marriage at our church beginning in the new year. I am not done. But I cannot get back what I feel I lost. I'm not done mourning it and I don't know how to stop. Will I too mourn everyday of my life like Mr. X? He's moved on with his life, like I have. But he thinks about it all the time...just like I do.
I don't know how to look at him the same.

So anyway, I've got work to do, but wanted to say HI and say that I'm feeling the same way as you guys. Maybe Holiday doesn't join us anymore because she doesn't feel this way...I don't know. It is nice to know that I'm not alone in my feelings through this very difficult journey in life.
2

2,

Good to hear that you had a good time on your trip. Where did you go? I am nosey...sorry

I am sorry, though, that it did not end like you wanted.

My H and I had a very honest talk last night. We were up until 2 am discussing our lives. I told him, finally, that I am afraid to love him, and afraid that we will never make each other completely happy. I suppose it is not our jobs to make the other happy, it is within us to choose to be happy or not, but I think it is a very difficult choice for someone who has been hurt so deeply. It is hard to pull yourself out of the rut, especially when the person who did this to you in the first place used to make you happy beyond words.

I hinted at the same thing...I do not know how to stop mourning what I lost. It is not that I wish I had my old marriage back, I can see many flaws in that, it is that I lost faith in the strength of our love. I miss being able to be so sure of our future and the love that bonded us together. Before, when my H would talk about other women, I was upset as any wife might be, but I believed that our love was strong and binding. Now, I see that even if it is that, it doesn't really matter when one partner is in the selfish zone. That is a scary thing for me. I do not know how to be in a relationship that is not sacred. That is not the right word, but I can't really explain what I mean.

Our talk really helped my H. I like that we talked and I felt some love for him, but there is just this sadness that clouds it...that locks the love out. I am not sure how it can break through the clouds and bask in the warmth of the sun. I, too, picture myself as never getting over it. I am glad to hear that I am not the only one who is still thinking about it everyday. I thought maybe I was just being stupid. Maybe I am normal after all.

Rocked, I waited for your usual hi this morning on here, and when I didn't see it, I figured you must be gone, and I knew 2 would be, so I didn't write. Sorry!!!

Holiday, I truly hope that you are not posting as much to us, b/c you have moved past this phase of your recovery and are finding new life. I hope you have found a group that is in the same place and can speed your recovery even further. If you are just busy, then I hope that you are able to write soon...we miss you!

Well, my H is spending extra time with me today. I pointed out to him that he has not been doing this for me lately as a result of both of us closing each other out. I missed it, and missed feeling like I mattered more than anything. I am glad I still do, and he is willing to show it.

Talk to you guys later!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hey guys,
Just really busy and my H and daughter (and possibly me right now) having the "punnies".
I am doing okay...and no, I haven't truly moved past this phase.
I can relate to not letting the "love" in. Somedays are just so wearing on me.
Everytime I have a down moment, I feel that "unsafe" feeling, like "is this my gut telling me something?" or "is it always just in my head?"
My H notices my "quiet times"...I am a talker and when I don't talk (I guess I go into my little world) he worries....that's a good thing.
I continually tell myself "nothing is guarenteed in this life", so make everyday count, every moment count. I can't let this take hold of me because if I do, I won't be able to "live".
I will chat with you soon.
Love to you all,
holiday

And Rocked...how did your talk with your W go?

Ha ha Rocked, checking up on me??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I do post with a very eloquent writer here on MB named (paradise_blue)...if you have the chance you should read her posts, very enlightening.

I think I relate to her in a different way because she is more "my age". She is a BS with a WS who has left her to become the bachelor he thinks he needs to be at 50 YOA.

I think I deal so much differently because of my age. I think if this had happened to me in my 30's or younger, I would have bolted because of my pride. I'm not too sure if I would have taken the time as I have now to try to understand all of this.

True...you are a great person. Your H made a poor choice. I don't think you were "cast aside". He just wasn't thinking about anyone but himself at the time. It was "his" selfish act. Outsiders (those who haven't walked in our shoes) will tell us to get over it, if they are not our true friends, so try not to hang with those type of people.

2, glad you had a good Anniv experience with your H. I believe he loves you and wants to do whatever necessary to win back your "whole" heart. Let us know how your devo time together goes.

Question to the grp...am I hearing a common thing among us...that our situations at one year have swung to the place where it's mostly "our time to move on". Meaning, our spouses are sorry, have stopped betraying us, are working at improving the marriage, want a long term deal...and now we are the ones that keep things hanging in the balance?

Comments?

Oops...sorry everyone, I didn't even see this page of posts before I posted last.

True, good that you're talking with your H in that "very honest" way. Take advantage of that time with your H.

Holiday, yep...you're older than me...but I'm the same age as your H. (Just better looking!) If I find time I might check out p_blue's comments. Welcome back.

2, my new nickname for you is IPOD (I Pay Our Dinner). A bet is a bet! Bring your gold card.

Pray for me...my D turned 14 today and has been asking if she could begin dating. UGH! (Gotta get me a shotgun!)

Yes, Rocked...it is "us" who are keeping it hanging in the balance...

14??? Tell her that "dating" begins at 16.

Our daughter before her 16th bday asked if she could start wearing "thong" underwear (yes, Rocked, believe it or not, they are much more comfortable with todays fashions). We had talked about this when she was 15. Her Dad told her "we'll see". A few months after her bday and Dad finally saying alright, we went out and purchased a few pairs. Then a month or so beyond that, she was asked out on a date. Her Dad told her "no" (with a smile). She was shocked. Then my H told her "did you not understand? It was either the thongs or dating at 16, not both". We both got a chuckle...she was not amused.

Good luck there ol' Rocked...

Feeling a bit better today. Have plans to attend a FD party tonight.

Hope you all have a wonderful day,
holiday

Holiday,

Nice to hear from you again. I am glad you have found someone that you feel a special bond with. Believe it or not, when I write on here I do not think of any of you in terms of age. I just view us as all having different perspectives or insights b/c of who we are as individuals.

Yes, Rocked, I think that is where we all seem to be in terms of recovery. I think it is wonderful that all of our spouses have "seen the light" so to speak, but I think it takes major movement on our part to move past it all. I was feeling ok today until I began watching a show that was talking about break-ups. The woman said that grieving the loss of a relationship turns to depression when you believe that you caused it and continually think what did I do to cause this person not to love me. Grieving on the other hand is saying Why would I want to love someone who cannot love me the way I deserve to be loved and morning the fact that that person was incapable of that kind of love. Although none of us "broke up" with our spouse...I think that is what we grieve for the most part. We feel as if our spouse cannot love us the way that we deserve to be loved. At least that is me. So, I ask myself why DO I want to love someone who can never love me the way I deserve to be loved. He can never give me back the promise of being faithful to me our whole lives, and never give me back the promise of only wanting and needing me and the knowledge that I was what mattered most to him. Unlike you guys, I still deal with the knowledge that my H still would like to have sex with other people. Believe it or not, he actually believes that could prevent an A in the future. He suppresses those feelings, but the desire is still there. I suppose that is like an addiction, but for me it is just a reminder that I will never be good enough for him and that being with me alone is something he has to work at everyday. I hoped that through all of this, he would change and see that I was enough, b/c what we had was so special and honest that nothing good ever compare...so why bother. I guess that is too much to hope for.

My H said something in counseling that hit home. The counselor asked if in the past year he has shown me that kind of love and devotion, and my H said yes, BUT she will always go back to the time that I did not show it, and that overrides anything that I do now. That is the quandry...how to let that 2-3 month period go from the Fall of 2004. How do I focus instead on all the 16 years before that, and the, hopefully, many more years in the future when all of the promises he made to me and feelings he said he had, and love I thought we had all seemed wrapped up in the selfish decision he made back then. It cancelled out all the vows, and feelings he said were true and all the plans for the future. In that one act he showed me that I was not needed. I heard that is harder to say I need you than I love you....I was shown that yes, I may still have been loved, but I was not needed...he could get those needs met somewhere else. How do you give that back to someone wants you've stolen it away?

On the other hand, I wrote a letter to the OW yesterday. It is in my journal so I do not actually intend on sending it, but for once I was tempted. In it, I told her that I forgive her. I asked her forgiveness as well. You may be screaming at me for that, but the way that I look at it is this. I did not protect my marriage the way that I should of. I allowed the relationship to open up just as much as my H. I allowed him to continue a friendship with her, even when I felt it was wrong. I trusted him and her, who I did not even know, completely...and in the process allowed hurt to come to me, her, and my H. Not that I could have prevented the A, but I did not do my part to stop it. I forgive her for not thinking about me and my family, but I also thank her for showing me where I need to improve myself and my relationship. I do not like hating someone, and it has eaten away at me to hate her. She was not innocent, but just as my H had his reasons for choosing the "dark side" so does she.

Well, I only signed on to say hi...I guess I am a talker too, Holiday(if you have not noticed by now).

TTYL!

True

Good morning guys! My H flew me to N. Cali where we got some spa treatments and then he took me to dinner and the Kanye West concert. It was good. I'm not a HUGE fan of hip hop, but I do like Kanye West because I think his song Jesus Walks is BRILLIANT and I like some of his other stuff, though a lot less deep than Jesus Walks. There is nobody else I would have wanted to see live, so it was a great choice on my H part.

Yes Rocked, I think we the BS are the ones struggling here, but can anyone blame us? As I told my H on the way home, I still think about it every couple of hours on a good day, every 10 minutes on bad day. If somebody we loved died (and somebody we love did die) it would be normal to miss them and think about them all the time. That is what we do. And we have moved on to function normally in life, but our hearts still miss what is now dead. I just don't see any other way to look at this.

True has your H's desire to "swing" been discussed in MC? If so what does your MC say about it? Does your H struggle with other "sexual issues" like porn or strip clubs? I would be concerned that his desire to have sex with others might lead to 1 night stands on his part of visits to prostitutes that would be unemotional and less hard for you to find out about. One of my dear friends who has been married 9 years found out 2 years ago that her H had been visiting prostitutes the entire marriage. He loved her and didn't want an A, he just wanted casual sex with no strings attached. 7 years of prostitues and she never knew until he confessed to her because he realized he needed help. They are still together and seem OK. That would be of great concern to me True and I wonder how you and your MC are addressing the issue.

As far as your letter to OW, writing one that I never sent made me feel better too. I also forgive her because I really believe had it not been her it would have been someone else. I do disagree with you though about protecting your marriage. I understand your point, but when my mother tried last year to tell me it was partly my fault for being too trusting I said "Am I wrong for trusting my H like a wife is supposed to, or is he wrong for abusing my trust?" She acknowledged it was a dumb comment. You are not wrong for trusting your H True. That is what we are supposed to do. If we didn't trust them what would be the first thing they'd scream after an A? You were always hounding me and not trusting me. I already felt guilty all the time. What a HUGE Love Buster no trust is!

I too wish there were things I would have done differently, but trusting my H with all my heart isn't one of them. I would have required him to be home more which would have prevented opportunity, because he should have been home more, but not because I didn't trust what he was doing. I too know there are things I can do in the future to protect my marriage, but for me. He is supposed to protect himself and me myself from A. I can't be everywhere he is and since I didn't cause the first one, I can't stop any others from happening either.

I was reading up on A in family.org. Dr. Dobson talks about making sure your spouse understands that you will not tolerate anymore infidelity. I had a hard time understanding that. What does that mean, tolerate? I think the best way to show my H I wouldn't tolerate anymore infidelity is to leave his sorry *** if he does it again...which I have every intention of doing. But True, you said yesterday that you are with your H no matter what and I thought to myself "What kind of message does that send to him. That you value your vows, but will take any kind of abuse he dishes out?" That is not the message my H is getting from me and honestly, I intend to stick with my plan if it ever happens again.

Anyway, a lot for so early in the morning. Let me get some stuff done around the house.
2

True, the most disturbing thing to me about what you wrote is that you believe your H still wants to have sx with others...and...he thinks it would prevent an A in the future. If that's correct, it doesn't sound like he's learned much about your feelings or even how to discern what is best for your M. It still sounds like it's all about HIM. You are too nice a person to get treated that way again so please communicate with him what the boundaries are and what the consequences will be if he crosses those boundaries. I could go on but you probably already know the things I would say.

Are we taking your comment about this issue too "over the top?"

I just got into a big fight with my H. I asked him the other day for his phone bill and he told me it goes to his boss on a company plan. So this morning while he was driving I asked him to get it from his boss. Since it is such a small company, I can't imagine that it would be difficult thing for him to get.

He was clearly unhappy with the request. So I asked him his view and he went on with the "What does it matter? You are going to do what you want anyway." That same comment again that just immediately sent me over the edge. Instead of talking about it like 2 adults trying to restore a broken marriage that he broke, he comes back with some childish comment like "you're just going to do what you want anyway." I wanted to choke him.

So I tried to rationally explain how I think it is a safeguard and accountablity for him and he says he thinks it keeps me stuck. Then he went on about our MC has told me to move on and trust again and I won't.

So that is when I lost my cool and started screaming at him how dare he tell me that I'm not trying. I've done everything I know how to fix this disgrace of a marriage he's made and if I want a phone bill to make me feel comfortable, then he should give it to me without batting an eye. Then I got too worked up and started crying so I hung up on him and didn't take his calls back. I know it sounds childish too, but really it is to keep me and things from getting worse.

So there I am today. Another horrible day in store.

True, let us know if you've discussed this issue with your MC. Rocked I think you said it well.

Thanks guys.
2