P47D,

You did what you did to protect your children and to save your marriage. Leave it at that. You cannot unring the bell. However you said something else that I would comment on for your consideration. You said
You can look her in the eyes and say: "You can bet your bippy that I had the advantage. I did NOT cheat on my W. I did not want my children harmed by the family breaking up. And you are right, I had the huge advantage the honesty, integrity, and faith in our marriage gives me. If you want a level playing field, then be honest with us, yourself, and start to do the right thing and running away to OM or away from the issues is NOT the right thing and you know it."

See if that will encourage her in joining you on the "high ground" instead of just throwing mud because she doesn't want to face her actions and their consequences.

Just a thought.

God Bless,

JL

wow <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Bingo, JL!! P47, what he just said is NOT a love buster, by the way.

In His arms.

Actually, I'd use the word adultery in there, too. Calling it what it is, isn't an LB either.

P47,

You did it the right way! And no matter how you exposed your WW's A to your children, there is no way she was not going to blow a fuse…unless your children were willing to accept her A. We cannot be perfect and apologizing for not being perfect, I assure you, will be taken advantage of by a WS.

The real issue is as JL points out is that your WW wants a level playing field with you. There is not. And you should not bend over backward to make one either. Again, I think it would be a mistake to apologize to WW here, and even worse to apologize to your kids. Your children acted very maturely I thought and evinced the fine job you did bringing them up. One day, you will look at their actions with great pride, for they did the right thing, the moral thing. You will also look at your action with pride.


You did not LB your wife during the exposure; you just laid out the facts and their effects on you. In fact, you tried to defend WW in some way. From what I can see, you did a great job.

On another note, it seems that for now your WW is not interested in reconciliation with you. Therefore, plan and act accordingly.

Mortar:

Tuesday AM

Good night last night. Went to a function for my daughter and it worked out. W said she had a terrible day but really didn't talk about it. Monday was the best day for me in a week. W was much more reserved.

Today is daughters b'day and we already had breakfast together. Planning on us all going out to dinner and a possible movie. So, I'm hoping that these things will help keep the fog at bay.

She is still planning on going back but now her plans are changing again. She now wants to eat with the whole fam on T'day and then fly out that night to be with her family. Thinks it will be good to eat as a whole fam and then at least she can still get some time with her fam. This also will keep the friction at a minimum. Right now, we both do not want any major blowouts and with my son coming home, the opportunity will be heightened.

Reading through SAA, I am reminded of doing things that cause resentment. So, I am trying to do things and say things that will not trigger any resentment in her or in me.

Hopefully, with her seeing the MC today, that will build her up and not tear her down. But I also know that her mood could swing back to babble in a nats eyelash.

p47d

As I said before, just hang on. She is going to take many more turns and twists before things settle down.

Be consistent. Dont LB. Stay on message.

In His arms.

General update Wed. AM

Pretty good night yesterday. We all celebrated my daughters bday and went to see a movie. W appeared to be friendly and warm.

She did mention her session yesterday and reiterated that she really likes this MC and respects his insights a great deal. This is key with me, because she was rapidly losing respect and trust for our first MC.

She has also decided to not return home for T'day with her birth family. It is just to complicated, so we will all be one big family for the holidays. I'll leave the happy out of it for now becasue I don't believe she is happy about it. But, the Lord works in mysterious ways and this might be another cog in the restoration wheel.

I will continue to work on things that do not bring resentment into the picture, and hopefully, we can stay busy with all the festivities to keep her mind on her immediate family and what they really mean to her.

So, two days and really no backlash directed to me. She is holding my hand and cuddling next to me when we sit together and sleep in the same bed. She has also been very civil to me over these last two days so I can't complain about her actions at this point.

We are lightyears away from real restoration. No warp or lightspeed here. We are just ploding along taking things one day at a time trying to build on the last days good things.

She is scheduled for another session next Tuesday, and this is also good. My hope is that I will have more good news after this weekend.

p47d

As I said, this will be up and down for awhile. And she may still fall out again. Just do what you need to do. As of right now, it appears that things are on the right track.

Be consistent. Stay on message. Trust the rest to the Lord.

In His arms.

Bump for Oyabun

oops...meant to bump another thread.

PT...things look like they are improving. I know I tried to judge progress week by week. Letting the day to day emotional roller coaster get to me was emotionally draining.

Peace,
Mr. W.

It's been a while since I last updated so I thouht I'd check in so to speak and let folks know how things are going.

In a nutshell, things are stagnant. Actually, I believe things are getting worse as last night the W went off for the first time in 2 weeks.

After our weekend trip to visit my son, and the tongue lashing I endured for 16 hours, I thought maybe we had turned a corner. Then comes T'day and things went O.K. The tension was there, but overall, there were no explosions. I did have to leave after the T'day meal prayer because I was so shook up. I went into the bathroom and broke down realizing that this might be the last time we would all be together on T'day. It was very emotional for me.

Then on Friday, W decides to not go with us as we ventured out and did some shopping. She wanted to stay at home and catch up on things which of course meant call her family and friends for the entire afternoon, while crying to them over the fact that she is so miserable. Friday night was initially supposed to be a family night of watching a movie. No problem, but about half way through, W gets a phone call and proceeds to spend the next hour talking to one of her friends. After a while, my kids sensing that mom really wasn't into it, ended up leaving the room. So, I was left alone.

W finally got off the phone and I gave the W a cold shoulder. Last night for all of us to be together and she decides to take a call that lasted for an hour. I went to bed without saying a word.

On Saturday, went off to church and rode with my son seeing that he was leaving after our church service and I wanted to spend some more time with him. After service, we said our good-byes and I again became a little emotional because my son was leaving. I let my daughter sit in the front while I sat in the back as we returned home. I was still pretty upset that W had blown us off for a phone call. She knew it too because she said my actions "spoke volume's", but justified her actions and then blamed me for judging her by thinking that she chose the phone call over being with her family. Now there's some fog talk!

Rest of weekend went O.K. W is miserable though. IC has continued and after reading in here some of the dangers of IC, I was prepared to call MC and ask him at what time was the plan to work together or if there was a plan for us to counsel as a couple. Her sessions are running from 1.5 to 2 times the normal amount, so they must be talking about something.

So, Wednesday night, she finally lost it and started down the I hate you for telling the kids, etc. Now that they know, exactly how are they helping, she asked? Then she says she is so frustrated that she is going to bust. She thinks we are all just carrying on like nothing has happened. I told her that I really didn't want to talk about a lot of stuff unless there was a mediator seeing that her temper gets out of control and the last thing I want is a fight to break out. She then asks if I am waiting until we meet together to ambush her. I said no, that I simply feel like a lot of the stuff I would like to talk about needs to be done in the presence of our MC.

Our MC also told W on Tuesday that he felt it was time that we started to meet together so that was a bit of a relief. W is also taking notes and asked me if I had seen her notes that were left out. I said, no, I had not seen her notes. I feel that if and when she wants to share, she will.

She has also admitted that I am doing so much more, and that it is not going unnoticed. Right now I am simply trying not to start any thing that brings up any resentment. I'm trying to stay positive, and deposit as many love units as I can.

Last night though, as she went off on me, she reiterated how miserable she was and how much she missed her family and friends. Realize it has not even been 2 weeks since she last saw them. So, she is trying to make plans for Christmas and again using my daughter as bait.

After wanting to move 1.5 years ago because family and friends were running her life, and because I got a wonderful job opportunity, she now sees it as a mistake. She has no friends in our new home and she is incredibly homesick. Of course most of this is fog because she was ready to run off and live with OM which would have put her further away from her family than she now is, so this whole family thing and missing them is not the real issue.

But, I am losing patience and faith in this matter rather quickly. She is so ****** bent on moving back home that she is now starting paper signing talk again. Says we should just get it over with because my life is set in our new home, but her's is back home with her family. I said that wasn't true and am open to live anywhere, but the Lord is going to have to move me, just like He moved us this last time! She knows that things fell into place including a church, which simply didn't just happen. So, she knows the Lord was at work on our move, but if she expects me to move back, the Lord will have to speak to me about it. Frankly, she is just running away from the problems and I know in my heart moving back will not solve a thing. But this could be the straw that breaks the camels back because at this point, she is not budging, and I can see no real reason to return to an area that she knows I hated for 28 years.

Anyway, she will be setting up an appointment for both of us to see the MC and hopefully, I can finally say some stuff that is really on my mind. Then if she looses it in the counseling session, at least our MC is there to quell the riot.

I hate to be so doom and gloom, but at this point, I see no improvement nor hope in the matter. W is still unrepentant about the whole EA and still blames me for the whole thing. My children also sense that she is just playing along and believe she will eventually pack up and leave. So, I'll just keep plugging along trying to keep a happy face and be optimistic, while my heart is saying something completely different.

I am well aware that things do not change overnight, but realistically, I don't know if I can carry on like this for 6 months, or say the next year or two. In my Plan B letter, I was prepared to start a new life either way. But this is neither. We are not really starting over to rebuild, and I'm not getting on with my life either. I am simply stuck in the Twilight Zone circling my small town.

p47d

If you apply the Policy of Joint Agreement to your living situation, you can't just dig your heels in and refuse to move. Both of you must be enthusiastic about where you live, and that's going to require some investigating and negotiating. She can't just drag you back to where you were miserable, you can't just keep her stuck where she is miserable. Yes, she agreed to the move, but she's tried for several years and she hates the place. You have nothing to lose right now by saying that you are open to negotiating a move to a place you both will like, in fact, it might make major Love Bank deposits for you to do so.

>If you apply the Policy of Joint Agreement to your living situation

This would be nice if she would buy into this "policy" but seeing that she wants nothing and I repeat, nothing to do with the Harley's, the point is rather moot.

>you can't just dig your heels in and refuse to move.

I'm not digging in. I am open to live just about anywhere, but I'm not moving simply for the sake of moving.

W WAS happy living here and has said so repeatedly for the first 10-11 months of our move. Told everyone including all her friends and family how much she loved it here. Then somewhere around late spring (May-June) she comes up with this issue of hating it here. Could it be that her EA started in late June that caused this turnaround? Gee, I wonder!

I am beginning to think that in order to "sell" her A to her friends and family, she had to play up the "hate it here" card along with all of my failures. Her friends and family would have discouraged her even more if she just simply said, I am in love with another man and want to move out.

In building up this hate it here position, she has drummed up sympathy to her plight. So, I'd move, but not based upon the current situation.

>You have nothing to lose right now by saying that you are open to negotiating a move to a place you both will like, in fact, it might make major Love Bank deposits for you to do so.

There is no such place for her. She only sees moving back home closer to her family and friends as the solution, period. Remember, she moved away initially to get away from them, but now being involved in an A, and having that contact broken, she sees the only shoulder to cry on back home. Like I said, I have not ruled out moving, but it must be for the right reasons. Right now, she is not even repentant of her A, and is not sure she even wants to work things out. So why would I "apease" her by telling her that I will do whatever it takes to keep her, i.e. moving back to her hometown. Yes, I can see it now, move back, and in about 9 months, she will be hurting again because the real reason for the A was never worked out!

I say work out the M issues NOW and then think about moving if that would help. But right now, she is simply using this as a wedge to cake eat IMO.

p47d

Okay P47, the 2x4 has to come out again!



You keep saying this...but then say you have faith. How can you have faith, and have no hope?


So what? This is typical. You know, we have been in recovery for awhile and my wife still gets foggy from time to time. Still brings up the blame game. not so often now, but it does happen. You arent even in recovery yet, and you expect her to be repentent. Come on, man...you have read how all of this works. But you expect your wife to be different. Why?


been saying this for awhile also. Hasnt happened yet, has it? Sure, it still could. And you have already gotten a plan for that. So, until it happens, why worry about it happening. There is a very good chance it never will.


If your heart is saying that, then it isnt listening to Jesus. Dont you think your wife can sense the fact that you dont believe what you are saying? That you are keeping a happy face? If you dont have faith, if you dont believe...how in the world is she gonna?


Aaahhhh. Here is the true reason for the lack of faith. You dont think you can carry on, that you dont have the strength. Let me tell you something, there is no way I had the strength over the last three years to do what I did. No way. But I learned pretty quickly that it is not my strength that is needed here. You see, with Jesus inside us, we have the strength of the one that never falters, never tires. So, I would wake up every morning...tired, alone, hurting, wanting to give up. And I would just pray that He take over. I'd tell Him that I cannot do it...not one more day. That he will have to do it, He will have to get me up and keep me moving. And you know what? He did! It was sometimes a day-by-day (and even hour-by-hour) commitment. Just one more step. just one more hour. Just one more day. You are saved, P47. Unlike those that have not accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior, you have the power to overcome this. To do this for the next 6 months...or two years. Or whatever it takes! And whatever it takes is what you should be asking for. If I told you today that I could see the future, and your wife will come back. But it will take two years of he!! to get there...would you go thru the he!!? Of course you would. You know how it all ends. The problem is that you dont know when or how this ends. But think about it...do you NEED to know? God says He has your back, He has you covered. he can see the end result. That should be good enough.


Remember, Hosea had to be in the Twilight Zone for 10 years!

P47, at some point, you are going to have to change yourself here. You are going to have to believe. It is easy to believe when things are going well. Where the rubber meets the road is when you have to believe when things dont look so good.

Remember, what you may see may not be the truth.

In His arms.

Mortar:

>Remember, Hosea had to be in the Twilight Zone for 10 years!


Yea, I've thought of that, and of Job too, but I am NOT a prophet! I've often thought of the possibility of suffering in this situation for years and what would I do or how exactly would I handle it. And you know what? I'm not sure "I" would be able to handle it.

In my second life, I had a job where I took incredible mental and verbal abuse. I kept this job because I simply loved the work, but over the years (20 to be exact) it has ground me down into a pulp. This past fall, I retired from that job because of my M and also because the years of abuse have finally taken its toll both mentally and physically on me.

So, given that, my fear, and yes, it is a fear, is that if things go on like they are, I will not survive another 20 years with this kind of mental and verbal abuse. The main reason I have not gone off the deep end and thrown in the towel already is based upon my experience and training from this other job. But, I was put through the ringer for 20 years with that job, and it has really taken a toll on my mental state. Right now, I am TIRED MENTALLY. I am tired of the constant abuse. I quit this other job because of that and now I find myself in the same situation, only with my W.

Like I said, I will press on because it IS the right thing to do, and becasue I DO want it to work. I am not merely going through the motions, but I am being beaten down and over time, it does wear one out, and I have 20 years experience with that abuse already. My strength though does have its limits and true, God will only give us what we can handle, so I guess I have not reached my limit.

As for repentence, I'm not asking for her to be repentent. I realize that it may never come, but at some point, unconfessed sin will surface and be dealt with. And any real restoration cannot take place unless there is some repentance. The issue here is sin, and until it is dealt with, it will be hard to see God work. As far as I know, God never restored anyone while sin was still ongoing.

thanks though for laying on the lumber...I'm just tired both mentally and physically and need to vent some.

p47d

No problem venting. We all need to do it. Just take that vent, refuel yourself by letting Jesus fill in where you cant, and move forward.

Remember, there is a Scripture (I cant remember where...I'll have to find it) that says that God isnt out to hurt you, He wants what is good for you. You must believe that! That He is already turning this whole thing for your good.

In His arms.

On we go....

W is depressed and it is getting worse everyday. Don't know when, but she is going to bust emotionally and have a breakdown I fear.

Last night at the dinner table, she tries to get my D to agree to fly home for christmas seeing that she has the unused ticket. If D flies home, then she can go along too. D is not stupid and told me that if Mom goes home too, she will just go off and do her own thing and leave her to fend for herself, so she really wants to make the trip alone.

Well, D says she is not going home then because of commitments with her sports team. She has a tournament over the holidays and doesn't want to miss it or the practices.

W is bummed to the max. Again reiterates how homesick she is and that nobody cares that she is homesick. Now, it has only been 2 weeks since she was back home visiting her family and in just 2 weeks, she is ready for the funny farm. Lonely is no joke either. Since she has no friends here, this only compounds the problem and she is really reluctant to move forward to attempt to make any new friends although she does have a small part time job.

Anyway, I try to reassure her that we do care that she is homesick and told her I fell sorry that she is going through so much pain. Then upon clearing the table, she blurts out that since she won't be going home for Christmas, that she is giving us fair warning that she will be going back home in January to approx. 2 weeks. This is to work for her best friend and to take care of her kids while they travel to Vegas for business/pleasure trip.

Told W that she needs to call the MC TODAY and schedule US TOGETHER! This clearly goes against what we agreed to (never put into writing, but the MC knows about the 4 conditions that I asked her to comply with). We had agreed that if she were to return home for a visit that I would accompany her. Nothing was said to that and seeing that it would be more than a week, this would be difficult leaving our D behind for that length of time.

After that, W just sat on the couch totally bummed out and depressed while D and I put up the Christmas lights. She didn't want to help, and made some comment about the lights being more important than her, so just go and do it.

Again, I hesitate on starting anything without the presence of the MC. I don't think I should dig into anything since she is so prone to explosions. Just the other night, our basic conversation turned into a shouting match from her. Right now, it is hard to talk to her without her blowing a gasket!

Right now, she is really depressed. I'm going to suggest (again) to MC that she get on anti-depressants, or at least what does he think of that idea.

p47d

P47d

I know at first I feared communicating with my wife without going to a MC (BTW-we still have never gone to one). But the way I see it one of your wife's top 3 emotional needs is probably "communication" and you need to be meeting it. Especially because she is all alone down south without other family and friends.

When I say you need to meet her need for communication I do not mean you need to talk. When she indicates she is ready to talk (or otherwise communicate)...IMO, you need to listen. Listen, listen, listen. At first you will likely hear yelling mixed in wtih fogged out babble. You merely tend to agree to what you can and reverse fog babble back the rest. Try to only ask her questions about her thinking and definetly show admiration for any time she gets it right or has a breaktrough in her thinking (no sarcasm). She may then have the opportunity to move through this withdrawal process, move towards repentence and away from her rationalizations and justifications.

I know you get it. You've talked to the counselors, read MB, talked to Harley, read all the books and you of all people know your wife the best. You are her best counselor and guide, however, you must refrain from teaching her. Your points are limited only to how you "feel" and your opinion WHEN ASKED. She must come to her own conclusions and over time she should.

I've spoke with you a few times on the phone and have gleaned from such conversations that you are a talker. Since she is the one that must "get it" you do not need to be the one talking. Perhaps calmly stepping back from the situation and in your best Fraser Crain imitation merely say and repeating often "I'm listening". Throw in some "why do you think that is?", "how does that make you feel?", "I agree, but why do you think you feel that way?" and/or some "Yes dear, you can not change me but I can choose to change myself, you said you've noticed XYZ change...how does that make you feel?" and that's it. Sure she will get irritated with this new you that is no longer LBing and feeding into her deeply instilled rationalization and justifications but the longer your ACTIONS contradict them the further you are in the PROCESS of destroying/overcoming them and moving forward with reconciliation.

In conclusion...if your wife wants to communicate for God's sake...communicate, albeit without LB's.

Mr. Wondering

One tool I've seen posted is to think back when you first dated your wife (or some high school girlfriend). You could listen and talk for hours on the phone, in the car, wherever. You never fought with a new girlfriend and they could ramble on and on without annoying you at all though they discussed the most benign dribble (you have teenagers so you know what I mean). Even as an 15-18 year old boy you instinctively knew that every humans/girls favorite subject is/was themselves. The more you communicate and allow her to vent and share her feelings (valid or otherwise) the closer and more intimate you become...period. She is your wife and you are on her side as she attempts to pull herself out of this pile of crap she has created in her life, as she rediscovers who she is and what she wants. Doing so can only make her more likely to discover/rediscover..."SHE WANTS YOU".

Wonder..

First, thanks for the input. It is appreciated.

Secondly, despite our phone conversations, I'm afraid that I am not a talker in real life. It's just when I phone you, I need to vent a little seeing that I have virtually no one to talk to in person. So, I basically get to spill the beans with you!

I think I told you that I had a second job for some 20 years which was being a sports official. Now, if there is one thing I have learned, that is to keep my mouth shut and listen while people are yelling at you. So, this has helped with my W when she is yelling. I usually let her yell her head off before I say anything because again, I have been trained to listen and then only speak sparingly. So, she gets no argument from me. I think at this point, I am not asking the right questions in response to her outbursts.

Now as for communication, I'm positive that is one of her big EN's. This though has become a problem because although she says she is upset that we aren't talking, I cannot get her to talk at all. Usually dead silence in the car and at home. Even small talk is a struggle. So, last week when she went off and said that it was weird that we weren't talking, I had to just shake my head (internally). I do believe though that if we can get a session or two together with the MC that this will spark some debate and will allow us to communicate more.

As for thinking back when I dated her, WOW, that's a long time ago. Some 30 years ago, and to be truthful, I can't remember to much about it as far as what we talked about. Isn't that terrible? But I do bring up stuff that we used to do way back and do remind her of the silly things we used to do with each other when we were dating. I am trying to remind her that the past 30 years have not all been horrible. I continually try to bring up the positive things that we have both enjoyed and had fun with.

As for today and such, she is a bit of a wreck. It is continuous. She is not sleeping and is very scattered brained. She had another accident with the car and didn't tell me. I noticed the damage on the passenger side this morning and asked her about it. She said I was only on a need to know basis! She admitted to zoning out while driving home sometime this week and side swiped a guardrail! Not a lot of damage, but she admits that she zoned out with all the stuff going on and next thing she knew, she was scraping the guardrail.

So, in the past 4 months, she has had 2 accidents, lost the key to the car, and lost her debit card. This whole thing is beginning to take its toll on her both physically and emotionally. She can't even remember what day this accident happened either!

She is also freaking out about who knows and how much. Last night at my daughters bball game, one of the other Moms barely said hello and she now thinks this mom knows because my daugher and her daughter are friends. Last year this woman and my W had some phone calls and set some stuff up for the team, so they had a decent relationship, but last night, W though she gave her the cold shoulder. Of course, W could just be really paranoid because I doubt this mom knows what is going on. Yet, anyone now that does not act friendly towards my W she believes must know something!

Right now she is at work. Today she just layed around in bed waiting for work. I put up most of the Christmas decorations since she didn't want to help. I asked her a couple of times if she wanted to help, but she just wanted to take a nap! Trying to get some Christmas spirit moving in her, but right now she is stuck in neutral.

Anyway, I gotta go. Thanks for the input. I will work on my communication with her and try and be a better listener and questioner. I'll keep you posted.

p47d

Udate as of Thursday AM. Haven't posted in like a week, but thought I would give an update.

Well, our first joint MC session since the Plan B letter was canceled last night. W had a bad headache and then when I called to cancel, MC was in the process of calling us because he was sick!

So, we had our own counseling session last night. More fog..

Two things did come out of this discussion that I felt were a step in the right direction. One, W did not scream and yell. We managed to keep it civil. Of course with the daughter in the house, she could not really raise her voice. I'll take any improvement I can get at this point!

Secondly, there was more talk (subtle from her) about our future together. Not as much doom and gloom of M not working out.

Major points I brought up because she wanted to know what I was thinking. One, I'm having a tough time with her removing her rings and told her I felt it was a comlete rejection of me. Now, I have not worn a ring for like 15 years to due me being shocked by 240 volts in my previous job on my ring finger. I had gotten acustomed to removing it, and one day I ended up losing it. Anyway, I thought she really didn't care because I wear no jewelry at all. She said she did care, and I said I had no problem with wearing one, but she knew the story of why I had not and never really pressed me on why I didn't wear my ring.

Anyway, we talked about the rings. She said it gave her a sense of freedom! Something good for her! Remember, this is about "W's" happiness. Lots of fog talk there. Took them off because after I told kids (plan B) and they rejected her side of the story, she assumed it was over. At least in her mind, it was over and the only reason she was returning home was to file papers! In this state, you do not have to have formal separation papers though, but you do have to be separated for one year before you can file for a D.

We then moved on to our move and such. I reminded her that I purposely did not persue other job opportunities over the last 28 years because of her close relationship with her family. This has become a sticking point lately in that she continually says how homesick she is, and this is the reason she wants to return home. She couldn't say much to that only that she said she never knew about other opportunities I had. I replied that I never persued those opportunities because it was a moot point seeing that I did not want to ask her to leave her family. She knew how unhappy I was living in Mass, but I did it for her and did it for 28 years! I then said that our move was a joint decision that we both agreed to. She really had nothing to say about her homesickness after that. I also know that this is not the real issue seeing that she was ready to move to the OM's state in the future which would have put her farther away from her family then she now is.

Then came the real crux of the matter, at least to her. She seemingly will never get over the fact that I told our kids, again 19 and 18. She reiterates that they did not need to know and that I did this only out of my not being able to deal with the situation (I'm weak, can't cope, etc). She said it was desparation on my part and a cruel and selfcentered act. Since our kids have basically rejected her pleas of seeing her side of the story, she is devestated that now her children will see her as this bad person.

Again, I reminded her as gently as I could that months ago, she told me that when the kids do eventually find out, that they will probably hate her and gravitate towards me. Well, they have found out and although they don't hate her, they don't approve and have gravitated towards me.

W wanted one big family meeting where "we" would spill the beans. This would be when she decided to leave for good this summer. I said, what difference does 6 months make? Her only reply was that we would have told them together. See, in her mind, she feels that we would have told them and that "we" were deciding to split and end it. That this decision would be a compromise of our current situation and that we would split happily. Remember, she sees no reason why we still won't be friends and talk to each other if we D! Given that wacky idea, I will press the issue in counseling of how much would she have been willing to tell the kids?

Secondly, this would not have been agreeable to me. I would never agree to separate, nor to D! I would have said that this is mom's idea, not mine! Again, if she wants to file, she can do it. I will of course protect myself, but will never agree to D. It will have to be all her doings as I have told her. I don't think she thinks this way at all seeing what she has said about breaking up and just splitting everything 50-50 and going our own happy ways. Hogwash! So how would the kids act after I told them I don't agree and we are not splitting because this is what we both want? It is W that would want to split, not me!

So, when we do get to joint counseling next week, and she brings this happy split up telling the kids crap, I will chime in with, "I'll never agree to it." "It will be becasue this is what YOU want, not me!"

Still lots of crying on her part seeing her children reject her view. She is also willing to start spilling real dirt from our past 30 years of marriage and says this is the real problem. Chides me for not revealing all these other issues to the MC's but instead focused or is focusing only on her "sin". Keeps telling me how unfair it all is that she is being singled out!

She also asked what my biggest fear was and I simply said that having her just quit was my biggest fear. It is so easy to throw in the towel I said instead of doing the hard work. Pain is temporary, but quitting lasts forever I said to her, and told her I did not think she was a quitter, but that it would be too easy to quit. I said that many good marriages are those that have weathered the strongest storms. I gave her the analogy of the homes that have been destroyed by tornado or hurricane where the people have rebuilt on the same foundation and compared those to our M and the fact that we have a great foundation (Christ) and now only need to rebuild.

I keep the focus on the now and future. Kept reminding her that I cannot change the past and that I am focusing on the here and now and our future.

One downer is that another cell phone bill has arrived. It is another huge amount but as of right now, Verizon has not posted the call logs yet. So, she has claimed NC with OM, but I am betting that after plan B, she made contact. Of course when she came home panic stricken, she agreed to let the OM go (again) and has told my son that she hasn't called OM for quite a while. If she is being honest, we are now at week 6-7 of NC. But the phone log will tell all.

p47d