Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 22
C
chasid Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 22
I haven't read SAA yet- it's waiting in my mailbox for when I get back home next week (also lovebusters)

but in the meantime answer me this-

In the ADMITTEDLY REMOTE possibility that plan A results in the WS feeling comfortable enough to begin re-committing to the marriage-

HOW would this reconcile with what I take as Harley's fairly unmoveable commitment to No Contact?

In other words, I understand the No Contact to be the initiator of plan B-- but if you manage to survive without having to go to plan B, how do you deal with the unresolved issue of NC?

maybe wait until things are better, then broach the topic? or just hope, perhaps naively, that NC won't be needed?


BH/WH:33 EA sporadic porn struggle (me) WW/BW:42 EA 7-05 D-Day 10-05 Married 1998 DS:4 chasid = Hebrew "recipient of mercy" Them that would have mercy, must show mercy.
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 406
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 406
I would assume that the NC note is a catalyst towards re-comittment.. and would not be needed but... it formally closes the door for all parties involved.

My S has told me that contacting the OM now would NOT be a good thing.. MMM.. you think so sweetie? 3 months of having our lives literally shaken upside down violently, panic attacks, ambulances, psych wards, ADs, crying, hypotist, therapy, priests and confession after 20 years, etc. and you think it's NOT a good time to contact the culprit????????? You are SO smart honey.... I'm so happy I married you.. ;-))) I had some wine tonight so I'm silly..

Seriously, if your S is in fact re-committing to the marriage, then they also would not have a problem with sending a NC letter.. or say it's simple not necessary, with some sense of conviction and honesty..

Only you will know and feel whether the NC must be sent..

I think that ultimately, it's a must and the OM should know that it's over.. from your S's perspective.

I also still like the baseball bat upside the head approach.. Maybe one up his [censored] too so he understands what a man will do to protect his family..

You know all that macho horse-crap aside, your S is as guilty as he is... right?? So maybe you should crack her in the head with the bat and shake some sense into that head as well.. ;-) Just kidding man...

I hope things are advancing.. The truth shall be revealed and what is meant to be... will be..

Good luck..

Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 22
C
chasid Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 22
hey earthman! I see your identity is evolving too!

I keep wondering if, by the end of this, whether I'm gonna be calling myself "angel" or "sonofabitch".


BH/WH:33 EA sporadic porn struggle (me) WW/BW:42 EA 7-05 D-Day 10-05 Married 1998 DS:4 chasid = Hebrew "recipient of mercy" Them that would have mercy, must show mercy.
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
N
NSR Offline
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
Quote
HOW would this(Plan A) reconcile with what I take as Harley's fairly unmoveable commitment to No Contact?
...there is no reconciliation
...Plan A and NO CONTACT go hand in hand
...first you Plan A... and in time, when the WS reaches the appropriate AhhhHaaaa... the WS writes a comitment to the marriage by drafting and having you approve the NC letter... and then getting it sent out.

Quote
In other words, I understand the No Contact to be the initiator of plan B--
...this is not necessarily the path of recovery.
...No Contact (is) meant to be the commitment the WS makes to the marriage...not the escape of the marriage... which would lead you to Plan B.

Quote
...perhaps naively, that NC won't be needed?
...no... a No Contact Letter is always needed...
...it is not optional (unless the OP is dead... and even then...)

Re-read the Plan A and Plan B concepts to understand why a No Contact letter is soooooooooo important.

Jim

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 948
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 948
Plan A is Plan A, no lovebusting by the BS and providing a good place for the WS to want to come home to, becoming aware of your own contribution to the problems in the marriage, each other's EN's... but the A is still ongoing in Plan A.

RECOVERY is the end of Plan A - the WS now wants to work on the marriage (and hopefully "do anything" to save it). Then the NC letter gets written to OP.

I believe that in Plan A it is okay to be loving yet firm, you do not have to ACCEPT the painful love triange, though it may be happening right under your nose. Plan A states that you want to work on saving the marriage and making it better, UNDER THE CONDITION THAT THE AFFAIR ENDS.

Plan A does NOT require you to have no personal boundaries, or be loving ABOUT the affair or accepting of it. It is perfectly normal and acceptable to put forth to the WS that you may choose not to remain in the marriage if the affair continues. You just don't say when you are going to get out! You leave the WS wondering how long they have to get their sh*t together. Meanwhile, you do this without angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements (a real challenge when your spouse is behaving like an alien with NO judgement), or other lovebusters.

Does that make sense?

MSA


BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
Which no contact do you mean? No contact (by the wayward spouse) with the affair partner? Or no contact (by the betrayed spouse) with the wayward spouse? If no contact can be established with the AP during plan A (like you describe)....then you don't go to Plan B (unless it resumes). If no contact with the AP does not occur during plan A....the betrayed spouse goes to no contact with the wayward spouse. Sounds confusing....but really isn't.


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (howtoheal, anchorwatch), 141 guests, and 43 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,810
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5