I don't really know where to begin. My husband has been working out in Libya for two years. He is on a six week rotation, coming home for two weeks in between. At first I kept myself very busy and the time whizzed by. For him, it dragged. We had both been made redundant from well paid jobs and he went to Libya to make some money, while I stayed at home trying to start up my own business. He was living in a staff house and life was pretty boring for him, just TV, Films, books and work 7 days a week. He couldn't wait to get home at the end of his rotation. Then, things changed last year. He found out that there was an ex-pat community which he could join in with and loads of great activities and a social life to get involved with. In February of this year I knew something was not right when he came home. I discovered that he was madly in love with a younger lady but that he didn't fancy him but liked him as a friend. He spends a lot of time e-mailing her and although he has not won her as a partner, he sees a lot of her and also bought her a very expensive birthday present in July and told me about it. In the meantime, I corresponded with her and begged her to continue to resist my husband's advances. She wrote a nice message back and told me that I am a brave and honourable woman and that she had no intention of coming between us. She said married men out there are out of bounds as far as she is concerned. In the last few months she has sadly started dating another man who is married with two younger children. Whilst my husband's infatuation with her ran its course, he started playing tennis regularly with another much older single woman out there. He began to help her with little chores such as re-painting her garden furniture. In return she cooked meals for him and they got to know each other and to spend evenings chatting and having a laugh. On Fridays, my husband started to drop his day rate and take the time off to go down to the beach with a group who all had that day off as part of their working contracts. By June/July I realised my husband's life was becoming complicated and even though we had just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary I began to feel very threatened by his lifestyle and his friendships with these women. I decided that I should get myself out there at any cost to join him. I managed to find out that it would be possible to let out our house and that I could get work teaching English. In July/August I spent 4 weeks on an intensive training course to teach English as a foreign language and I got myself a firm job offer before going out on a visit in September/October. My husband was moving out of the staff house and into a lovely villa with a male friend of his. When he found out what my intentions were he got angry and e-mailed friends to say that I was going out to Libya to ruin his life and that he would be depressed and almost suicidal if I joined him. I was shocked and he wouldn't talk to me about it via e-mail or MSN. He said I could go out for a visit for as long as I liked and I arranged to go for three and half weeks, departing on September 29th and returning with him on October 23rd. The day before I left for Tripoli he e-mailed our daughter to say to her that I was just going out there to show off as his wife and to sniff around his life and to take over his new house. She was shocked by her father's attitude and didn't tell me. I would not have got on that plane had I known what he was really thinking. When I arrived he was not at the airport to meet me. I had no address and just had to wait. He arrived over an hour late and said that he had not been familiar with the route to the airport and had gone wrong. Well, even though signs are in Arabic it is not hard to see the way to the airport because there are plane pictures to follow. On greeting me I could smell perfume on his shirt but dismissed it as a figment of my imagination. He had already said several times that he was not dating this Diane lady but that they do a lot together and are good friends. I suspected that he had been with her for a last meeting before my long visit and our subsequent return to the UK together. That meant that they wouldn't be seeing each other for at least 5 or 6 weeks. I first met his lady friend a couple of days later at the regular Sunday quiz. She greeted me like a long lost friend, kissed me and was very friendly. I was friendly back. I felt the body language between them both but kept telling myself that I am number one and that she means nothing to him. A few days later we went to a party and he danced with her. No big deal, we both often dance with other people and I knew she is his friend. Twice they disappeared outside for a while, but I dismissed it and carried on chatting to people. One Saturday afternoon we played doubles tennis with her and her girlfriend. I knew I had to play well as she normally partners my husband. Afterwards we had a meal at her place with three others. I noticed my husband's familiarity with her kitchen, dining room, etc. and his willingness to jump up and help, his laying of the table out in the garden and got the general feeling that he went there often and was almost part of the furniture. They were a definite couple and others were trying to disguise it and behave properly towards the wife visiting! However, as I was talking to someone I could see a reflection through the window of my husband and Diane behind me. I saw them embracing and having a long kiss. I panicked and didn't know what to do but kept my composure. I couldn't eat, I was angry and I couldn't think straight. Then after dinner, we cleared away the dishes and I saw them kissing again. The third kiss came when they went to make the coffee together. I watched them through the kitchen door and heard him say to her that she had to be strong and he was sorry that I was there for such a long time! When he came out of the kitchen I announced that I didn't want to stay for coffee and that I wanted to go. I burst into tears and he was embarrassed and bustled me out of the front door. When we got into the car he shouted at me and said I was ruining my life and how could I make such a scene by crying. He said that I could have waited until the end of the evening to question him about his kissing. He drove home like a maniac and I thought we were going to crash. When indoors he pushed me and tried to throttle me and then calmed down a little. He is not a violent man at all and very rarely over our years of marriage has he behaved like that. His verbal abuse was just awful. He rendered me worthless, out of work, not contributing, trying to sneak into his life and a complete failure. I packed my bags and went to the airport the next day to try to get a flight home. I found out that I needed an exit visa which my husband's office had to arrange so I had to return to the house. He came home and was really loving and apologetic and begged for my forgiveness and to put the whole incident behind us. He said he was applying for other jobs away from Libya but that they wouldn't be married status, still single status. In the meantime, I had got myself two firm job offers teaching English and had been to see the establishments where I could teach. My husband had made no arrangements for me during the day-time in a ploy to get me to hate Libya. He did not sort out a driver for me or a pass to the ex-pat camp where I could use the pool, meet other ladies and play tennis or use the gym. He expected me to stay in their garden with 7 tortoises for company and a fountain. Very pleasant in the sunshine and a book but boring after a few days. I did cooking, hand washing of his clothes since they haven't got a washing machine installed yet. I generally kept house and knew I was a mug. We didn't do anything socially because of the kissing incident. Eventually I suggested that I should call Diane and speak to her and say that I had over-reacted to the kiss and that my understanding of it was that they had both been having a bit of fun and had drunk quite a bit of home brew (allowed in Libya behind closed doors!) She was very apologetic and friendly and we all met at a darts evening a couple of days later. I felt devastated but determined to stick it out and happy with my husband's attentiveness towards me. That evening someone asked me if Diane was dating Keith and I laughed and said no probably dating my husband. Yes, I did gossip a bit and told him that I had caught them both kissing. This got back to her and she left in a storm. The following day my husband came home from work and said that I was a malicious gossip and that Diane was very upset as she had a reputation out there and has been living there for 15 years. He said that she was refusing to go anywhere where I was going and that he couldn't take me anywhere as he didn't know what I was going to do. Once again, I tried to leave but had no exit visa. Once again, I made the peace and e-mailed to her apologising for gossiping and saying that I didn't want to leave Tripoli with ill feeling. We went to a couple of events after that and he took me to the Embassy Trafalgar Night black tie dance. Everything seemed ok with us and I believed that prior to my e-mail they may have had words with each other and that the relationship had finished. BUT, my e-mail was probably giving out signals that it was all ok and that I was happy with the situation!!! Two days later we returned to the UK together. On the plane he told me that he liked Diane a lot and that they had good times together. I listened and tried to take in the full impact of what he was saying. He said that we get on really well together and that he gives me money and a good life. I cried and said that I didn't want to be shared. He got angry with me for crying on the plane. As soon as we got back home he was good towards me. As is always the case, we did everything together, shared domestic chores and he is always occupied with a long ongoing building project with our house extension which he argues can't be finished until he has made more money. (He spends a lot out there too though!) I keep quiet and I am careful not to promote conflict about the house extension. I am loving and affectionate and he reciprocates. We play tennis together and see friends, entertain and generally have a nice time. We went to Lisbon on a three day break and had lots of fun exploring a new City, eating out and generally pampering each other and having lots of good sexual encounters.

Sadly just after our return his mother died. He is an only child. He had to delay his departure back to Libya to attend the funeral. We had a lot to do helping his father with funeral arrangements and all that is required at such a sad time. We were very close and I was very supportive. The two kids were around a lot (son of 25 and daughter of 21) and I felt we were a real family again.

I have even managed to find some part-time teaching at our local college. My home business never took off completely but is still on the back burner. My husband started to ridicule it when he came home and I was working in the study and I found it impossible to cope with the interruptioins of his six week rotation and my seriousness about the business.

Anyway, on Friday my husband returned to Libya. I felt warm and secure and resolved that I would be very busy with the run-up to Christmas. At the airport, je kissed me tenderly and didn't say he would miss me but I felt that we were very much a happily married couple. When I got home from the airport I noticed that the computer was on. He had used it at 5.30.a.m. that morning and forgotten to turn it off before his early flight. I saw an e-mail message to Diane saying that he would ring her when he got in and that he was looking forward to seeing everyone, especially to seeing her.

So, my dilemma is that he has gone straight back to carry on where he left off. He did not 'phone or get online as promised on Friday night and I know he was with her. When I asked him how his flight was and his evening he said that he had been at a BBQ at his place which his housemate had arranged. I also know that he went round to the original girl he fancied and saw some recent desert pictures with her and the other married man she is dating. So, he has lied to me and is still in denial about the affair. He tells me that lots of married men have long-term girlfriends out there. It is the norm and the wives don't know. But I do know and the hurt is too great to bear. I couldn't bring myself to be friendly with all the couples who are having affairs together. I thought of the men's wives and the hurt they would be feeling if they knew. Most of the girls out in Libya and single secretaries who go out there to make more money than they would otherwise get in the UK. Diane is 58 and looks like my husband's mother. She is petite and blonde, same build as I am, except that I am dark. She does have a very wrinkled skin though from too much exposure to the sun.

I don't know how to resolve this marital conflict. He basically has a mistress out there. He expects me to grin and bare it and to accept life as it is and to turn a blind eye. I can't do that. I feel resentful and jealous and wanting to seek some kind of vengeance. I could hire a private detective, but I know that they are having an affair and that he is lying. He won't change jobs and he won't come back to the UK to work. He likes the ex-pat lifestyle and the warm weather. He doesn't want me to go out and join him. I want to stay in the marriage. Do I ignore him and refuse to have any contact with him whilst he is out there and whilst he is still seeing Diane? Do I get some legal advice and fire him a warning shot? I think he would be scared if he thought I was going to leave and get divorced. He wants the best of both worlds, but she sees him for far longer than I do and is therefore meeting his emotiional needs far more than I can. The friendship is getting closer as time goes on. She will retire soon and is buying herself a little place in France to go to. She has never been married and doesn't as a rule want men around her for too long. There is the danger though that my husband is attracted to her two houses in Scotland which she rents out and her idyllic place in France. If he thinks that home is a nuisance with domestic chores, conflict etc. he will pull away. I have prayed and prayed for guidance and some change in circumstances. My friends are fed up with listening to me and tell me to go for the jugular and start divorce proceedings. Has anyone got advice for me? I feel bereaved every time he goes. The empty void is too much and my kids have flown the nest. I live alone and I want my marriage to remain intact. How can I help it when we are separated and he is living a secret second life. How can I persuade him to let me come out there to live and work with him? How do people cope in these situations? Yours, a very unhappy woman.