I started a new post.. other seemed lost.. "newbie, just found out of HA".
He is denying having a PH, only that he talked to her.. i told him that it was called an EA.
I told him i found a rental, cheaper than we are now. When he found out it was near his moms he refused, told me he was getting a room if it was, i was mad and said well then get one.. anyway.. i really thought he would change his mine.. it is down the street from where i work and his mom is right there if we need her help. plus, it is the cheapest in the school district for my son.

Anyways... friday after i left his job for lunch.. upset and he was mad, i called him at 3:30 pm till 9:30 pm. I had to go online for school. he did not return any of my phone calls. I left and started to look for him. I drove past all the bars and OW house, no H and no OW home. I went home and H was still not home it was 10:30 already. i left again in search and no luck. I got desperate and drove to hotels even. I feel i am losing my mind. I went back home at 1;30 am no H. He did not come home till 3:30 in the morning. I asked him where he was and he told me it is none of my business.. I asked him what does he want me to believe.. he says he wants to work on the marriage, he says he did nothing wrong and that if i keep on him about it he will do it so i would have something on him. I went to bed.

Saturday, he woke up gave me a kiss told me he loves me and left for work. ( we have not engaged in sex, and i wont, but curious as to why he wouldnt even try, he wont respond even if i wanted to see his reactions) I am getting checked tues. was supposed to be friday, but dr. is booked. he calls me from work,,i am hysterical crying.. all these thoughts racing through my head he aske me if I wanted him to lie to me and say it happened just to make me feel better. i told him know i just want the truth. he had to get off teh phone... he left two msg on my cell to see if i was okk. I took a walk to teh neighbors and asked questions..he came home and called my cell i was on my way to walking back home. I asked him if she was at our house again and he is getting annoyed everytime i bring this up. He said NO!. I told him i went to the neighbor which told me that he seen OW car (he described it to me) parked in teh alley by our house the day after I left or vacation. He said " I dont think so, that is not true". I told him the neighbor had to take his wife to the hospital because her water broke and spotted a suspicious car, as they were leaving. He said he is getting clothes and he is leaving for the night. I walked in the house and i said this is not fair! why are you lieing to me, i dont think he realizes what he says anymore, he told me that he will confess if and after we get a divorce, that he does love me and nothing happened etc. I dont think he is ever going to admit it. THIS HURTS.. i feel so alone. He asked me if i wanted to go to dinner and i said yes.. i am hungry. so we went .. on the way to dinner he just had to go down the street past the bar that the OW goes to all the time. I looked at his face as we approached the bar and he turned to look in the parking lot. This just gave me the chills.. I didnt say anything cause i was hungry and needed to eat. At dinner, i tried to start positive conversations about the baby, and asked if he was getting excited..he was so distant as if he was in another world. He did get up to use the bathroom, but i wonder if he called her instead.. this so hard.. i am stuck analyzing everything he does... etc. He barely touched his dinner. we went back home, and he said he had to go to the store i told him that why didnt he just go on the way home, he said he had to get money.. for what he had to pick up he had enough cash in his pocket. i just shook my head and went in the house, he was gone for 45 mins. the place he had to go to was 10 mins away.

He kept telling me if we live in separate houses that it would be like when wer first met.. it sounded kinda good at the moment.. i went to bed.

Sunday he left for work and i went to do my homework.. here.. at the office.. (we dont use a homephone). he comes and brings me lunch and i told him i have been thinking and i dont want to live separately..that i will be willing to move wherever he wanted to go. He got furious and said no, we need this break, it will make us stronger, that i am smothering him. I told him how can a wife smother her husband.. I left for florida for two weeks and prior we were not even talking for a week or so.. because of fighting etc over stupid things..we have been having alot of problems but he wont talk to me, and now i found out that he has been talking to thei OW instead of me. anyways i told him that i do feel it would help our marriage only end it. That we need to move together as a family and work on our marriage like he said, that i need him when the baby comes, that i would harp on him if he got his own place about where he is, what he is doing, who he is with, who is at his place.. i would go nuts...and the kids.. what do we tell the kids.. it does not make sense to me.. he wont tell me that he wants to end teh marriage, he tells me he loves me but does not show it, he is short tempered with me..he was so quick to walk away when i was talking to him saying he has to go, he is going to miss the football game. i thought he was going through a depression but friday through me off totally.. i wont know where he was. I told my family, and his family and his mom is furious, he is not welcome in her home. Some of his friends know.. i feel like posting both of then on a billboard and announcing the affair.. i am stuck in limbo.. he is living two lives and not admitting it. I dont know what to do...

He left here and called me later i got p*st.. here is how our conversation went:

H - what are you doing?

Me- Why are you calling me?

H - to see what you are doing

Me - you didnt have time to talk to me before, your football game was more important ( i think he was checking to see if i was still at the office)

H - I didnt think i woudl come and you give me a problem

Me - I am your wife, i am supposed to come to you whenever i have concerns, thoughts, questions etc.

H - We just talked yesterday

Me - you just dont like confrontation. You say you dont want me to smother you but i am your wife!

H - i'm going (meaning he is hanging up) i just called to see what you are doing.

Me - ( got this from a post) You need to start working on the marriage, and do your part! You have a week to convince me you really want this marriage to work, if not, i will make an appt with the lawyer and file to get the papers rolling. I am not going to live the rest of my life in LIMBO! I slammed the phone and hung up on him..

I have not heard from him since.. i dont know what to expect from this, was i right in what i said to him? is he going to take me seriously? Is he going to talk to me when i get home? shoudl i approach him when i get home? I cant eat right, i cant sleep right, my stress and emotions are bringing down my grade in my schooling.. i cant think straight and i am trying to focus on the baby. She is due in January.. i also posted a survey , that i had to create to right a survey please respond to it.. i have to write a paper on the results..i didnt know what other area to choose from other than what we are all going through.. i am so lost.. i will update tomorrow if not tonight..

thanks in advance...
LIMBO is not a good feeling at all

Welcome to MB. So far, you are doing everything wrong. It is quite clear to me that your husband IS having an affair. You need to be in Plan A, which you can read all about here. It involves not love busting, not being angry, not criticizing, demanding, being disrespectful, etc.

It is not doing what comes naturally. It is very difficult. But the good part is that you only need to do it for about 3 months. Then, if nothing changes (and it usually doesn't) you go to Plan B.

Try to figure out the things that were missing in your marriage which allowed your husband to start looking elsewhere, then meet these needs of his.

As for sex, I would abstain unless he gets tested for STDs. Also you need to be very sly, and not accuse him of anything, but check very carefully to catch him. If you let him know you are suspicious, he will just be sneakier.

Good ways to find out are with a key logger on the computer, a phone recorder in your home, which plugs into an unused jack, or looking at the cell phone bill.

Are you pregnant? If not, you might want to check into getting some anti-depressants, which will make it much easier to do the things you need to do.

I am pregnant. I would love to take something to help me cope. Angelina, will be born in Jan of 06. I am planning to nurse her as well. I wont be able to take any meds. this really makes this harder going through it without anything to help you cope, except this forum and website, MB.

I feel i am running out of time though. Dec. 1st we gave our landlord notice. At first we were going to move together. He complained of the finances.. we are renting a full house at $700.00 a month. I bring home way more pay than he does so i cover the rent, but everything else is getting behind because he does not make that much.

I found us a place for $400.0, 3br and put a deposit on it. I told him found a place to help alleviate the stress and worry. He says "I took his family away, including his mom" me and his mom spend time during my lunch. We are very close. If what he says is true, the place is across the street from his moms.. i was trying to fix what he says i ruined, that i ruined it by going to her and talking about us. I had no one else to go to...me and my mom don’t get along.. i was stuck. He wouldn’t communicate with me, he wouldn’t listen to me so, me and his mom shared stories and she tried to give me advice on what to do to help my marriage.

He feels she is against him etc. Well, now she is, knowing about the A.

Dec. 1st we both have to be out of where we are. He does not want to move to the place i found, cause it is near his mom. I called his bluff when i told him that i would get the deposit back and move where he wanted no problem. He stressed how he thinks us being separated with make us stronger, and that i am smothering him. I don’t see how i am when i have been coming to the office to do my homework and been away from the house each night i have to get this done. (honestly, our phone is shut off, we are in a financial mess). If we live separately, wouldn’t this be like plan B. He does not want us to live together, and tells me we need a break. Wouldnt this leave room for OW to take more of his time and be with him at his own place. I am scared.

I copied what plan A is below.. with my comments and questions.. please help me understand more clearly...

"Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands..."

Does this mean I have to tell him to quit his job? He told me he was looking for a new one, but see no signs of it at all, if he quits with no backup job, he will get behind in support. Should I tell him this today, that I want him to quit his job, so there is no contact of any form of him and OW? "

“These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse."

Did i ruin already by telling him yesterday that he needs to convince me that he wants the marriage to work?

“ Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.”

I think I did this and that is where he was with her on Friday night, can it be too late?

“On the other hand, if the betrayed spouse approaches the wayward spouse with respect and thoughtfulness, the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair is much easier for the wayward spouse to understand. And once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged”,
He will not admit that it is a PA even though I know it is or was is plan A still going to work with him not admitting to it…
"it's much easier for him or her to take the first step toward recovery by agreeing to never see or talk to the lover again.”

He tells me that they do not talk at all at work anymore, that I ruined it when I confronted her, but then where was he on Friday night till 3:30 in the am, telling me its none of my business? and why did he have to drive past her favorite bar and look in the parking lot on the way to take me to dinner?

“In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed.”

So far he tells me he cant talk to me that I scream and yell, but I cant talk to him either, he short sentences me and walks away or tells me that I just want to argue, not matter what it is that I want to talk to him about, he wont communicate with me at all. Everytime I want to talk he wants to avoid any confrontation on any subject… He admitted that he talked to her about our marital problems and confided in her but wont admit to the PA.

“Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended”

Even though I want to believe it has ended, I know it has not or it did and started back up again, do I still try and do plan A?

“Another common cause is a wayward spouse's failure to take the betrayed spouse's feelings into account. The betrayed spouse's inconsiderate behavior sometimes leads the wayward spouse to believe that he or she has the right to return thoughtlessness with thoughtlessness by having an affair”.

It doesn’t seem he cares about me anymore, he tells me he loves me but is not showing it , as if he does but does not care to save the marriage…I won’t have affair out of spite, I don’t believe in them and I have too much faith to go through with one. "Willingness of the betrayed spouse to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward resolving the issue of thoughtlessness."

"A third possible cause of an affair is a lifestyle where spouses spend much of their leisure time apart from each other, and form leisure-time friendships with those of the opposite sex. "

I have a full time job and enrolled in a online schooling for my BSM, like a part time job, he complains of the time I put into it. A plan to avoid being away from each other overnight and making each other favorite leisure-time companions goes a long way toward creating a passionate marriage that is essentially affair-proof. I need to work on making more time for him, but he has to understand I am going to school for both of us and the family.

I just got back from going to his to work for lunch again. I figured the more i make my presence there the more i will feel good. Anyways, i dont know if this was a good move, but i mentioned that Motley Crue will be coming to the area, and we both like the 80's bands and this one is his favorite. So i told him that we can go, its not till feb. He turned around and said we cant afford it and said we arent going. (I make more and pay for mostly everything anyways.. i didnt argue, i just said well the boss is giving the club seats to me. I was trying to do something nice so we can both enjoy it. It is not till Feb 06.

I told him i wish (i didnt want to demand him) he would find a new job, that him working here with OW everyday and them two being in contact makes me very uncomfortable. he said to me that he just got his vacation time he is not leaving. I told him that there are other full time jobs out there with temp agencies etc. (he is looking for second job too) I asked him if he would please think about it and he said he would. I am not sure if that is good enough for me.
He told me he still has a lot of Anger in him. I told him he has to tell me so i can help fix it etc. He said i dont have to tell you anything, (there goes the wall again) i dropped it.
I told him that my appt to be tested was tomorrow, and the prenatal was on Dec 2nd. I told him i am getting my tubes done, since i am having a c-section. He told me he is getting "snipped". I was bad... i asked him "why so you can sleep around?" it just came out.. he said "you can pay me back and do it already, go ahead" I told him i have more respect and pride in myself to do something like that. So, is this his way of admitting the PA? i dropped that conversation. I am deciding to tke the place by his moms anyway. I didnt mention it to him, but he has not come to me yet about how i would go with him wherever he wanted to move, and dec 1 is coming fast.

Before i went there, i talked to connection of his friends wife, and she told me that the guys from work are planning to go to the bar tonight to watch the game. I told him I had school work tonight, and asked him what he was doing. He came right out and said "going out with the guys from work" and told me what bar it was too, i was shocked.. is this good? should i check up on him or have someone go there and check up on him? I asked if OW was going to be there and he said no, its just the guys from work. I dropped the conv. OW car was not there when i got there or when i left. He gave me a kiss and went back inside.

He is going to drop me off dinner later on.

did i do ok??

i forgot to mention, he does not go on the computer.. has no interest in the internet.. i have it passworded for school only. His cell phone is by calling card only, so there is no bill and our house phone is currently shut off. His cell is with him at all times.. i want to approach and tell him that he needs to give me access to his cell as well as his pw whenever i choose to ask for it. but i dont know if this would push him away from me. any thoughts???