Hi,
I am in shock. No advice just (((((((HUGS))))))))))



Dawn

Go to an attorney...now...yesterday! You don't have to act on a single thing they advise or recommend. Just hear an attorney out as to POSSIBLE options and consequences regarding the OC 1 and 2, child support, etc.

My understanding is that you don't have to file for a divorce to get child support. That you can file for a legal separation. Anyone out there have experience with this? If that's the case, you could file for separation just to protect your finances related to the care of your children. If you decide to divorce, the courts won't care if your children were there "first", before the 2 OC.

My concern is that your husband refused couseling after the first incident. Now, it's happened again. Let's see....he refused to get help to learn how to stop the behavior and change...and then goes right back out and repeats the behavior.

I would suspect you're on to something regarding your H. choosing young OW. My xWS was 47 and the OW was 21. They had an OC. He still swears to this day that he loves me and that I did nothing wrong in the marriage. I think it was as you said. A young woman...with not much going for her in her life...was easy to impress. Easy to step in and be the hero. I, too, am an independent woman. I do have expectations of my husband beyond talking a good line.

I also think that it was a real ego boost for my middle-aged husband. He denies age had anything to do with the attraction. The OW was the same age as his oldest child!! He met her at their A.A. meetings. There's lots of older needy women there. Why didn't he "pick" one of them to rescue?

Regardless, it hurts...bad....... I can't imagine going through it two times!

If your husband continues the same patterns of behaviors (avoidance, lack of remorse, lack of responsiblility for birth control, refusal to seek help to change, deceit, bringing an innocent child into a mess, dragging you through a mess)whatever is going to change????? He's not! That leaves you....again. Is this the lifestyle you want to gamble on? Has he made any positive changes since the birth of OC# 1?

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this all over again. You are obviously a caring, compassionate person.

H hs taken some of his things from the house. He cam home tuesday night because it is his responsility to care for the kids because I attend college classes on wednesday night. Last night he did not come in. He has called several of my friends telling them that I put him out which I did not. He states I'm accusing him of another child which is has not. He told my friend that he would not be stupid enough to make the same mistake twice. It infuriates me that he is telling people look what she did to me. Why can't he just own up to the fact that he needs to stop avoiding things and communicat. My friend told him that if it is true about oc#2 it will come out in the open eventually.

I can't help feeling like a failure. You know you want your kids to grow up in a two parent home in a loving environment, but it seems like the devil is always working around the clock. I don't know I'm just feeling down right now and lost. I sometimes think that the only thing keeping me going is my children. I still so much want to knock some sense into his head.

No, NO, this is NOT! your failure! This is HIS. Please don't take this on as your own. There is something wrong with that man, and you cannot change things at this time.

Yes, the children ARE what's keeping you going. By which I mean, I've been in the pit of despair and grief, and my responsibility to the children kept me struggling for their sake. That is LOVE. Same love that God feels for us. Be kind to yourself. Help yourself and kids.

Please, please tell us you've talked to a lawyer and counselor, next...!

Hug ((((((notdoneinyet))))))
J

OK....Reality check!!!

YOU are not the one who left the home. YOU are the one still with the kids, desiring a two parent home. Your H. is the person that broke up a two parent home. Your H. is the one that had an affair resulting in an OC. You were the one willing to accept the OC into the family. After going through all that, he turns around and walks out on his OC, too!

Secondly, this home cannot be a two parent "loving environment" if your H. keeps up with his current behaviors. His behaviors are not loving...to you....or your children. Not only are his behaviors not loving, look at what he's role modelling for your children!

If your H. was really interested in rebuilding your marriage, he would have gone to counseling. If your H. was really interested in rebuilding your marriage, he would have understood how upsetting this new information is for you. Even IF the OC is not his, he still should understand how very difficult it is for you to hear this information. But, no....he walks out the door and says you kicked him out. Mr. Martyr, Victim. Trying to distract attention from HIS misbehaviors.

Your H. might be interested in "maintaining" your marriage...as is....but not in rebuilding or recovering a healthy marriage. He has done nothing to work toward that end.

Your H. thinks that he wouldn't be so stupid as to repeat the same mistake twice? What has he done any differently to make sure he didn't fall into the same types of behaviors? I suspect that his original affair and birth of an OC wasn't a logical, rational, well thought out decision! So, what does intelligence or stupidity have to do with it? Obviously there's some other psychological issues going on here. And, he's not willing to do the work to heal himself and the marriage. And, YOU can't do it on your own. (If I were a betting person, I think that the odds are that this OC is or very well could be his.)

Numerous people have suggested getting legal consultation and counseling. Where are you at with those ideas? It seems that you're focusing too much on his crappy behavior and choices, while denying your own needs. I would suspect this might go on often in your relationship. The focus in on him....what he wants and needs...and not on you. You cannot change him right now.

It sounds like you did everything you could to work through the first affair incident, and now this. Your cooperation and support the first time around did nothing to change his behaviors.

I think that if you keep focusing on getting him to change, whether through love, cooperation, or a 2x4, this "dance" is going to keep going. Do a little self care. Show him that at least you are going to start having some respect for yourself, even if he doesn't. You can still love him, still want him back, still be sad, lonely, angry, etc. You don't have to make any final decisions right now. But, you need to be there for your children, to role model self-respect and self-care.

It sucks that you're the one with all the responsibility. It's not fair. But it is how it is. Spending your energy chasing after him, trying to change him, is going to wear you out. It'll be a waste of time and energy because you can't change him.

Work on changing yourself. "Change" in terms of self-care, financial care, legal support, counseling, etc. Again, you don't have to make any final decisions right now. But at least know what your options are. The "option" of changing him doesn't seem to be working. And it's ripping your heart out.

If what your H. wants is some young, dependent, skanky bimbo, you can't be one! I couldn't be one for my xWS. I'm 50, not 21. I'm independent, responsible and have some "class" (according to my step-daughter!) Your H. obviously doesn't want one for very long, because he moved on....to the "same person" with a different name and face.

I know that you're confused and hurting. Please, please, please get some support and help! We care, but you need someone who can get the whole picture and help you heal.

Please let us know how you're doing....and if you've gotten some help. You deserve it.

Wow heartmending that was a great post! thumbs up to you!

I agree with all you say. It's so hard because as mothers we take on that responsibltiy naturaly to nuture our home and contents (our family). You have been handed a load of crap that does not belong there.

Your husband is doing excatly as heartmending as suggested. Putting it back on you.

I'm worried about you and what is going on with you and everything you have to deal with.

Your husband will either get it or not. If he gets it he will do more than just come home. He will make the steps it's takes to heal himself. I'm just like 2 oc's 2 different ow's. I'm with HM again. We are not young bimbo's. I'm too right up there at 43. I'll never be in my twenties again. He (YOUR husband) won't either. Sooner or later he needs to act his age and take his responsbilty seriously! I'm so sorry your going through this. And this aunt of his???????? Oh man I'd be flaming mad over that. That needs to be halted as well. She can't protect his bad behavior.

Hi,
I was wanted to add that it sounds like thst your H is a conflict avoider. Instezd of discuising problems he avoids. And if that is true he needs to learn to talk things through with you. That could be part of the problem why he he had the another affair. It is not your fault. You can't change him. He has to be willing to work on the relationship and change.

I don't know if that helps at all.


Dawn

notdone,

I would like you to take some time and find some stillness in all this chaos ok? It's all swirling around you but take some time to zero in on the core issues at hand.

The focus,as other's have stated,should be you and your own children.Not WH,not the various homewrecking OW and OC's.Ask yourself what your boundaries are? What do YOU want in this life and can WH possibly help you with that? Is he acting responsibly and loving? Just what happens if you do accept this man back once again only to be confronted with yet an OC#3 which is a very real possibility considering it sounds like your WH has not dealt with his own inner issues.

I can appreciate how bad this looks and how down you are,it is tragic.But,YOU have the power to turn this around that is healthy for YOU.Take back your power ND.That is not dependent upon your WH.

If I may say so,I think it would be best if your WH left you alone for now,he is not healthy and is not acting in the best interests of anyone around him and certainly not himself.Personally I would not accept him back after this latest transgression but that is just my opinion and you will have yours.I want you to respect yourself and see clearly what it is you are dealing with and not just the marriage here which is in it's own state of peril too.

Much luck to you in your decisions.

O

NDIY - I am keeping you in my prayers. This in NOT your fault. You are NOT a failure. You WILL get through this.

My life is a mess right now I will leave an update later.

does anybody know that if h adds partner to business before filing for divorce would the courts be supicious of it because of the time frame. He is trying to protect his income from either me or his ow #2. I'm not so sure at this point.

H officially moved out yesterday into his own apartment. Oc is still with me, and everyone is telling me I should get rid of him, but its extremely hard and I don't want to add my H instability to this child. But maybe I am being stupid. He didn't even tell me he was moving out just took things from the house little by little. I have met with a few lawyers and was given some good advice. I'm just not financially prepared for anything, and the holidays are around the corner. I want the kids to have xmas regardless of my H. I'm just in a confused state right now so am going to leave decisions alone for now. This is hard on me.

((((notdoneiyet)))

Just felt you needed some hugs. Thank goodness the kiddo's in your sitch have at least one dependable parent.

You are an amazing woman!! Your children and OC#1 are very lucky to have you!

Hang in there!

Oh I am so sorry to hear this. I really wish I could knock some sense into your H.

Is he with ow#2?

His behavior is going to make you lose custody of oc#1 He needs to get it together and act like a grown man!

What did your lawyer say?

Just concentrate on trying to make the holidays special for your children if you can and hopefully He will get his crap together and join in to make the family intact as it should be.

I am so sorry! I hope things improve for you.

I'm so sorry! I don't know what to say.

To answer your question.........yes it can affect you unless of course you start documenting it all. Because if you can prove he did this to protect his assests girl you've got him. If you need more infor you can email me. Just send Justus an email and Justus can give you my email address okay? I'm so sorry.

And I agree, your a remarkable woman!

You have depths of character to which I can only aspire. I have no useful advice, but I admire your compassion.

Good luck, and please, keep us posted.

{{{not}}} sending huge hugs. You are a remarkable woman! Have you seen or spoken to an attorney yet? I don't remember if you answered this but do you have legal custody of OC1 as well as your H?