Just when I think that things are on the up and up a bombshell hits. Well H has being acting very strange lately. I mean angry outburst for no reason at all. For the last month or so I have been trying to get him to open up, but nothing was working. Well I at one point just gave up and just left him to himself. Well I was also doing a little detective work because he behavior was just too peculiar. Well I found a woman's number in his cell which it seems there has been alot of contact. I wrote the number down, but never called. Well while H was cleaning the leaves from the yard I overheard a conversation H was having with his aunt about protecting his income for child support purposes. I though at that point he was planning on leaving me. Well I confronted him, and he looked at me like I was insane. I didn't let up so easy. I called the number and some older lady answered and said she didn't know my H and didn't know what I was talking about. Well I hung up, and less than a half hour later I get a phone call from the same number but a different person. She told me that she was five months pregnant with my H's child. I was so hurt and devasted. We just got custody of oc #1 and now look. I don't know if I even want this marriage anymore. I am so confused. H still has not said anything to me even though he knows I know. I'm sure he is thinking that there is a possibility it is not his, so I'm sure he didn't plan on me knowing this soon. Well the cat is out of the box, and he has turned my world upside down yet again. Hurt and so angry. I know that I don't wan't anything to do with this oc.

Oh my gosh. It hurts just reading, and I cannot even imagine your devastation. In light of your opening your heart and HOME to oc#1 and now this....!!

This man is outside his mind! To blow it again, just boggles my mind and I'm hurt and angry for you.

Hang onto God and we'll be here for you. Do you have other kids at home? Counselor? I'm sorry I've forgotten your details.

Keep breathing; take good care of yourself, please. Don't make any rash decisions yet.

A prayer and angel wings around you,
J

I don't want to make any rash decisions right not, but right now I hate him. I still love dearly the three kids in the home that including oc. Why would he do this yet again? I'm thinking the elevator has stopped short somewhere. He is crazy and I can't begin to understand. She told me that it was a boy and that he will take care of the baby even if she has to go to child support. She told me that your have a relative on the way booh.... talking about me wanting to throw up. I told her I'm not your booh and your on your own. The nerve of her to tell me to get ready. Her elevator has even stopped. I don't want to introduce my kids to another oc why should I have too? I don't know honestly what I'm going to do. I have to do some prayer work, and hope you guys will keep me in yours. The ink has not even dryed from the custody of oc #1 and he has dropped his pants again. Yuck!!

We have not been to marriage counseling even though I have begged him to. At this point I am just giving up. I don't know what is worth it anymore. I just can't believe that this has turned out to be my life. I was thinking about staying at a friend's house tonight with the kids. I don't know what I should do exactly but I need him to talk to me. I feel like if he doesn't talk then it would just get pushed under the rug until March when she is suppose to be due. I'm at a real loss right now.

WELL at least you have time to get your custody order in before she starts hers and to be nice to your husband you will take as much as you can from him lol Then when you really feel like leaving him your all set for money and all the details are worked out like the home is in your name ect. Just to protect the assets of the family before the ow2 has any oc2 to go after him with.... that is exactly what I would do if I were you... get it all legal now and all in your name so he will have no choice but to take care of you and your children if and when you decide to leave him.

>>>>Oh by the way can I sock him in the gut for ya? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm thinking about what to do to protect my family, but my mind is wondering in so many different directions I can't begin to know what to do. I'm just sad right now.

{{not}}} I don't know what to say...please find an attorney fast. You don't have to make a decision about D yet but get yourself some good legal advice.

I feel so sorry for you. My heart truly goes out to you. I'm speechless. I know there are ladies here to help you. God bless you.

I'm sorry you have found yourself there again. No one can tell you what to do or how to handle this. Only give you support and suggestions. There are a few ladies on here that have two OC's. I for one, would not do two. A are selfish and bringing these children into the adult situations is very wrong to me. But sometimes crap happens and people are truely sorry and want to change and make their lives better. SOME DON'T and NEVER "DO". In working on my M, I at first wanted to change my H and how he does / says things. But I've learned I can't change him, just me. If your H doesn't want to change and make your M better and your life together better, what else is there for you to do?? Keep standing by him with all the while him going out being selfish and YOUR taking care of his OC?? No not me, I personally couldn't / wouldn't stay with someone who continues to disrespect me and our M as such. We have C and I love and enjoy Baby A, as much as my own. But couldn't open my heart to yet another selfish action from H as another oc. I will keep you in my prayers and please get someone to talk to. If he wont do the MC then YOU need to go to the IC. Work on YOU sister !!!
Sunny d

I don't know what I'm capable of doing, or even what I feel like doing. I know alot of people who would just jump the ship right away but I just don't know. My 2 yr old is a night owl and when she heard her dad walk through the door last night she starts yelling mommy daddy, daddy's home! She kept repeating this until I responded. I tell ya my heart just broke. I like to talk about it on here rather than telling my friends because they would just shun me for still being in the home, or even thinking anything other than divorce. I don't know if I stayed if I would ever be able to trust him or even want to deal with the baby mama drama that comes along with these types of situations. I was lucky the first time but I wouldn't dare count on it again. To those who may have 2nd oc what are your experiences as well? This situation just bites bad, and I'm having such a hard time thinking of anything else.

NDIY - Wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't.

I'm very, very sorry you're having to deal with this a second time.

I don't remember your story, but it's my guess, you have been the one in the relationship who's been making sure OC and all issues surrounding were taken care of.

The only thing I can say, is YOU need to start taking care of YOU now. If you're able try IC sessions, they may be of benefit. Friends and this board are great, but many times a completely outside perspective is needed.

It certainly gives you another perspective and ways to cope.

Last night we had a huge blowup and he left. When he came home I confronted him about the possible oc #2 and he tried not to talk to me. He is a huge avoider. Well one thing lead to another with him leaving saying I can have the house. Well not long after his aunt called with whom I heard the conversation with between him about income. She blamed me for him leaving saying I let outside influences turn my marriage upside down that I shouldn't listen to what others say. She said that the possible oc #2 was a lie and that should would call the girl. Well this morning one of my good friends also confirmed that someone told her that my H had another baby on the way about a month ago and that she didn't want to be the one to tell me. He left the house but oc #1 is still with me. Please help me out guys I'm confused. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Well conflict avoider or not, you need the truth and he can either tell you or avoid it??? Hunny this is NOT the way God intended your M to be. If its a lye then he, for one should want to ease your doubts. He expects you to meet his needs and stand by him no matter what, but he wont give you what you need and that is the truth. And why is it possible for him to talk things over with his aunt and not you? He is not M to her and his income and money frankly is none of her business. There are families that cover up the OC for YEARS, thnking it helps the WS and it doesn't.
Sunny

If when I return home today and find that he has removed his belongings from the house what should I do about oc #1. Do I continue to take care of him I wouldn't want him to drag a child through this. I don't know maybe I shouldn't care so much.

ndiy,
Only you can decide.

There's at least 2 ways of looking at this.

One: your H is the Legal Guardian and you have no legal rights to OC, yes? Legally, H is responsible (unless you are included in custody order?), and if he or the mother cannot or willnot care for OC, it falls to social services. You have plenty on your plate.

Two: what do you think is best for OC? Who is OC bonded to? Do you love OC? Is the mother incompetent or involved? Is your H incapable? Foster care isn't known for its stability either. Would bio-parents be willing to allow OC to be adopted out? Do YOU want to raise OC? Would another relative? Stability and love is what every child does best with, and this whole situation is pretty unstable!

Those are long-term questions, and maybe you are just looking at TODAY. In that case, what are you most comfortable with today? Usually, the less uproar for the kids (status quo), the better Mom (you) feels, but it's up to you Lady.

Please get individual counseling and legal advice. PLEASE! You need someone on your side! Your H, his relatives, and OW sound BATTY!!!!

(((((Hugs)))))
J

PS You care so much because a loving human being thinks of others---no need to feel guilty for that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Too bad your H didn't think of it first <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

NDIY, jeez that is a tough situation. some people just never learn do they.

Sunny is right, this is not the way marriage is supposed to be. ignore the aunt, it is absolutely none of her business to start with. i suspect your h is looking for an ally (sp?) in bringing her into this. He knows he has done a dreadful thing, AGAIN. She should know better than to get herself dragged into it.

Not sure what to do about OC #1. i think i would just keep to his routine as much as possible until such times as his father wakes the ****** up to himself. out of curisoity, do the custody papers state that you and h are OC 1's guardians? or just H? i am just wondering if you have any standing when it comes to oc. A thought just occured to me that if you dont have legal standing with the OC and if he does leave OC with you and doesnt collect him, that might be grounds for abandonment. The threat of which might serve to snap him out of his funk.

so sorry you are going through this crap again. No one deserves it once, let alone twice.
big hugs

Carolyn

I think I'm going to leave oc as his until I can think of anything different. i don't want to uproot him. The sad thing is that H keeps picking these very young early twenties girls who have nothing going for themselves. I just don't get it. Maybe because he feels powerful with them. could be a possibility. They need his time and money. He knows I can take care of myself and am independent. I couldn't believe how this girl's conversation mimicked the first oc #1 mother. It was just major disbelief. I could have sworn they were one of the same. She told me that she could have someone come over and f***k my sh*t up. I was thinking goodness is this what he is choosing for the mother of his children. I still don't understand. I'm starting to doubt we will make it. Maybe it needs someone who can't or won't voice their oppinion. Someone who is totally dependent on him. Just guessing from the women he is choosing. AND I'M NOT SAYING ALL OW ARE OF THIS TYPE JUST THE ONES H IS CHOOSING!

I think it is best to allow him to leave if that's what he wants until he can find the will to tell me the truth. For goodness sake this is the 2nd oc what in the world is he thinking? I guess I will never know.

NDIY, if he leaves, or really even if he doesnt, please please please please please go and see a lawyer and get CS set up for your children. You dont want to be standing behind OW 1 and OW 2 to get support for your kids.

big hugs sweety!

Carolyn

NOT {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Even as a fow I'm just like <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> WOW.

Stay strong. Don't make a rash decissions. I'm taking it that h is very close to aunt since she knew before you.

I'm so sorry. Just WOW. Prayers are your way. Hopefully Kimmy will pop in and lend a helping hand. She has two oc's.

Hi,
I am in shock. No advice just (((((((HUGS))))))))))



Dawn

Go to an attorney...now...yesterday! You don't have to act on a single thing they advise or recommend. Just hear an attorney out as to POSSIBLE options and consequences regarding the OC 1 and 2, child support, etc.

My understanding is that you don't have to file for a divorce to get child support. That you can file for a legal separation. Anyone out there have experience with this? If that's the case, you could file for separation just to protect your finances related to the care of your children. If you decide to divorce, the courts won't care if your children were there "first", before the 2 OC.

My concern is that your husband refused couseling after the first incident. Now, it's happened again. Let's see....he refused to get help to learn how to stop the behavior and change...and then goes right back out and repeats the behavior.

I would suspect you're on to something regarding your H. choosing young OW. My xWS was 47 and the OW was 21. They had an OC. He still swears to this day that he loves me and that I did nothing wrong in the marriage. I think it was as you said. A young woman...with not much going for her in her life...was easy to impress. Easy to step in and be the hero. I, too, am an independent woman. I do have expectations of my husband beyond talking a good line.

I also think that it was a real ego boost for my middle-aged husband. He denies age had anything to do with the attraction. The OW was the same age as his oldest child!! He met her at their A.A. meetings. There's lots of older needy women there. Why didn't he "pick" one of them to rescue?

Regardless, it hurts...bad....... I can't imagine going through it two times!

If your husband continues the same patterns of behaviors (avoidance, lack of remorse, lack of responsiblility for birth control, refusal to seek help to change, deceit, bringing an innocent child into a mess, dragging you through a mess)whatever is going to change????? He's not! That leaves you....again. Is this the lifestyle you want to gamble on? Has he made any positive changes since the birth of OC# 1?

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this all over again. You are obviously a caring, compassionate person.

H hs taken some of his things from the house. He cam home tuesday night because it is his responsility to care for the kids because I attend college classes on wednesday night. Last night he did not come in. He has called several of my friends telling them that I put him out which I did not. He states I'm accusing him of another child which is has not. He told my friend that he would not be stupid enough to make the same mistake twice. It infuriates me that he is telling people look what she did to me. Why can't he just own up to the fact that he needs to stop avoiding things and communicat. My friend told him that if it is true about oc#2 it will come out in the open eventually.

I can't help feeling like a failure. You know you want your kids to grow up in a two parent home in a loving environment, but it seems like the devil is always working around the clock. I don't know I'm just feeling down right now and lost. I sometimes think that the only thing keeping me going is my children. I still so much want to knock some sense into his head.

No, NO, this is NOT! your failure! This is HIS. Please don't take this on as your own. There is something wrong with that man, and you cannot change things at this time.

Yes, the children ARE what's keeping you going. By which I mean, I've been in the pit of despair and grief, and my responsibility to the children kept me struggling for their sake. That is LOVE. Same love that God feels for us. Be kind to yourself. Help yourself and kids.

Please, please tell us you've talked to a lawyer and counselor, next...!

Hug ((((((notdoneinyet))))))
J

OK....Reality check!!!

YOU are not the one who left the home. YOU are the one still with the kids, desiring a two parent home. Your H. is the person that broke up a two parent home. Your H. is the one that had an affair resulting in an OC. You were the one willing to accept the OC into the family. After going through all that, he turns around and walks out on his OC, too!

Secondly, this home cannot be a two parent "loving environment" if your H. keeps up with his current behaviors. His behaviors are not loving...to you....or your children. Not only are his behaviors not loving, look at what he's role modelling for your children!

If your H. was really interested in rebuilding your marriage, he would have gone to counseling. If your H. was really interested in rebuilding your marriage, he would have understood how upsetting this new information is for you. Even IF the OC is not his, he still should understand how very difficult it is for you to hear this information. But, no....he walks out the door and says you kicked him out. Mr. Martyr, Victim. Trying to distract attention from HIS misbehaviors.

Your H. might be interested in "maintaining" your marriage...as is....but not in rebuilding or recovering a healthy marriage. He has done nothing to work toward that end.

Your H. thinks that he wouldn't be so stupid as to repeat the same mistake twice? What has he done any differently to make sure he didn't fall into the same types of behaviors? I suspect that his original affair and birth of an OC wasn't a logical, rational, well thought out decision! So, what does intelligence or stupidity have to do with it? Obviously there's some other psychological issues going on here. And, he's not willing to do the work to heal himself and the marriage. And, YOU can't do it on your own. (If I were a betting person, I think that the odds are that this OC is or very well could be his.)

Numerous people have suggested getting legal consultation and counseling. Where are you at with those ideas? It seems that you're focusing too much on his crappy behavior and choices, while denying your own needs. I would suspect this might go on often in your relationship. The focus in on him....what he wants and needs...and not on you. You cannot change him right now.

It sounds like you did everything you could to work through the first affair incident, and now this. Your cooperation and support the first time around did nothing to change his behaviors.

I think that if you keep focusing on getting him to change, whether through love, cooperation, or a 2x4, this "dance" is going to keep going. Do a little self care. Show him that at least you are going to start having some respect for yourself, even if he doesn't. You can still love him, still want him back, still be sad, lonely, angry, etc. You don't have to make any final decisions right now. But, you need to be there for your children, to role model self-respect and self-care.

It sucks that you're the one with all the responsibility. It's not fair. But it is how it is. Spending your energy chasing after him, trying to change him, is going to wear you out. It'll be a waste of time and energy because you can't change him.

Work on changing yourself. "Change" in terms of self-care, financial care, legal support, counseling, etc. Again, you don't have to make any final decisions right now. But at least know what your options are. The "option" of changing him doesn't seem to be working. And it's ripping your heart out.

If what your H. wants is some young, dependent, skanky bimbo, you can't be one! I couldn't be one for my xWS. I'm 50, not 21. I'm independent, responsible and have some "class" (according to my step-daughter!) Your H. obviously doesn't want one for very long, because he moved on....to the "same person" with a different name and face.

I know that you're confused and hurting. Please, please, please get some support and help! We care, but you need someone who can get the whole picture and help you heal.

Please let us know how you're doing....and if you've gotten some help. You deserve it.

Wow heartmending that was a great post! thumbs up to you!

I agree with all you say. It's so hard because as mothers we take on that responsibltiy naturaly to nuture our home and contents (our family). You have been handed a load of crap that does not belong there.

Your husband is doing excatly as heartmending as suggested. Putting it back on you.

I'm worried about you and what is going on with you and everything you have to deal with.

Your husband will either get it or not. If he gets it he will do more than just come home. He will make the steps it's takes to heal himself. I'm just like 2 oc's 2 different ow's. I'm with HM again. We are not young bimbo's. I'm too right up there at 43. I'll never be in my twenties again. He (YOUR husband) won't either. Sooner or later he needs to act his age and take his responsbilty seriously! I'm so sorry your going through this. And this aunt of his???????? Oh man I'd be flaming mad over that. That needs to be halted as well. She can't protect his bad behavior.

Hi,
I was wanted to add that it sounds like thst your H is a conflict avoider. Instezd of discuising problems he avoids. And if that is true he needs to learn to talk things through with you. That could be part of the problem why he he had the another affair. It is not your fault. You can't change him. He has to be willing to work on the relationship and change.

I don't know if that helps at all.


Dawn

notdone,

I would like you to take some time and find some stillness in all this chaos ok? It's all swirling around you but take some time to zero in on the core issues at hand.

The focus,as other's have stated,should be you and your own children.Not WH,not the various homewrecking OW and OC's.Ask yourself what your boundaries are? What do YOU want in this life and can WH possibly help you with that? Is he acting responsibly and loving? Just what happens if you do accept this man back once again only to be confronted with yet an OC#3 which is a very real possibility considering it sounds like your WH has not dealt with his own inner issues.

I can appreciate how bad this looks and how down you are,it is tragic.But,YOU have the power to turn this around that is healthy for YOU.Take back your power ND.That is not dependent upon your WH.

If I may say so,I think it would be best if your WH left you alone for now,he is not healthy and is not acting in the best interests of anyone around him and certainly not himself.Personally I would not accept him back after this latest transgression but that is just my opinion and you will have yours.I want you to respect yourself and see clearly what it is you are dealing with and not just the marriage here which is in it's own state of peril too.

Much luck to you in your decisions.

O

NDIY - I am keeping you in my prayers. This in NOT your fault. You are NOT a failure. You WILL get through this.

My life is a mess right now I will leave an update later.

does anybody know that if h adds partner to business before filing for divorce would the courts be supicious of it because of the time frame. He is trying to protect his income from either me or his ow #2. I'm not so sure at this point.

H officially moved out yesterday into his own apartment. Oc is still with me, and everyone is telling me I should get rid of him, but its extremely hard and I don't want to add my H instability to this child. But maybe I am being stupid. He didn't even tell me he was moving out just took things from the house little by little. I have met with a few lawyers and was given some good advice. I'm just not financially prepared for anything, and the holidays are around the corner. I want the kids to have xmas regardless of my H. I'm just in a confused state right now so am going to leave decisions alone for now. This is hard on me.

((((notdoneiyet)))

Just felt you needed some hugs. Thank goodness the kiddo's in your sitch have at least one dependable parent.

You are an amazing woman!! Your children and OC#1 are very lucky to have you!

Hang in there!

Oh I am so sorry to hear this. I really wish I could knock some sense into your H.

Is he with ow#2?

His behavior is going to make you lose custody of oc#1 He needs to get it together and act like a grown man!

What did your lawyer say?

Just concentrate on trying to make the holidays special for your children if you can and hopefully He will get his crap together and join in to make the family intact as it should be.

I am so sorry! I hope things improve for you.

I'm so sorry! I don't know what to say.

To answer your question.........yes it can affect you unless of course you start documenting it all. Because if you can prove he did this to protect his assests girl you've got him. If you need more infor you can email me. Just send Justus an email and Justus can give you my email address okay? I'm so sorry.

And I agree, your a remarkable woman!

You have depths of character to which I can only aspire. I have no useful advice, but I admire your compassion.

Good luck, and please, keep us posted.

{{{not}}} sending huge hugs. You are a remarkable woman! Have you seen or spoken to an attorney yet? I don't remember if you answered this but do you have legal custody of OC1 as well as your H?

ndiy,

Are you really up for taking responsibility of this OC for now? Where is the mother? Did you get full custody?

Personally,I do not think this is a good idea.Yes it is quite admirable of you to look out for this OC but it's not your responsibility now if WH moved out,it is that of your WH's and the OW(mother).One day either one or both of them will come calling and you do not want to be caught up in those legalities nor the emotion if this OC gets attached to you.Do not accept responsibilities that aren't yours,please.You can't go around saving all the OC's your WH ends up having.Your WH will take advantage of your good nature and will not learn a da** thing.JMO.

Hang in there.

O

First weekend H left I took time away by going out of town to see some friends. It really helped me alot I enjoyed myself. I even let hubby know I was leaving and he was on pins and needles the whole time I was gone. Currently we have no communication except for the occassional text message about things in general. No voice contact. He hasn't been to see the children and I'm sure it is because of guilt of him leaving. I'm still taking care of oc and his mother knows nothing of what is going on. H brought some money to the house for the kids xmas which I did thank him on text message. I have broken down a couple of times but for the most part I'm holding up extremely well. I'm must be ok even if things don't work out the way I hoped. I'm taking things one day at a time but it does get lonely. The kids does not ask for him you know with them being so young out of sight out of mind. I really don't know how long I will continue to care for oc just trying not to give up way to quick.

As far as I know it is just H that has legal custody!

not, this can get very sticky for you legally if OW gets wind of your H being gone and you having OC. She may try to pull something on you. Please tell me you have contacted an atty to protect yourself.

Yea I know this, but she says that she is already tryin to get her life together so that she can get him back, which I totally agree with her. If the father is not going to make decisions that are in the best interest of the child then give him back to his mother. I have talked to a few attorneys but they say the only choice I have is to stay or divorce and getting the child support. Legally we are not seperated so I don't know how that works. He even tells people that he has not completely moved out. I don't know about all this.

I was so angry this morning. It snowed here and I had to clean off my car and drag to screaming children out in the mess. Late to work this morning called H yelling at him becuz am sure he is some where under warm covers with no responsibility but himself. Damn him right now how selfish. I told him he needs to come and get his son I'm tired of this crap. My kindness is getting taken so for granted. Why becuz of hopes of our marriage working. I don't know anymore I'm starting not to give one hoot anymore.

I have been gone for oh forever... like a year anyway so keep in mind in my reply that i don't know your background. and things in my house have gone from bad to worse because I have a husband who is 33 going on 15 and I believe sociopathic or bipolar, but I want to respond to you about what to do with oc in present situation.

Right now you and home are the most responsible and most logical place for oc. Your hubby is probably just blowing off steam and afraid of dealing with the situation. He will probably calm down and (still try to avoid) and you two will go on and deal with this. But meanwhile, deal with oc just as you would if hubby was there. oc is part of your home. he does not go out the door just because hubby gets upset and takes a walk. my opinion is that even if hubby signed a contract for an apt, i would still keep oc at home unless hubby insists otherwise. i know you have no rights, but hubby will probably not argue about you giving good care to oc unless you push it of course. men are so stupid sometimes. give it some time to cool. it will most likely work itself out.

now on the other hand if YOU decide that you are done with the marriage, then you and hubby work out details of all three kids. but jmo, if you are still committed to the marriage then you are still mommy or step-mom or whatever you are and mommy status doesn't change regardless of hubby's presence or commitment until YOU decide.

i speak somewhat from experience... check out my sig line. but i totally understand if you decide to say forget it to the marriage. 2oc and multiple d-days takes a true toll on your life and the whole family. it's even tough on the idiot who put you in the situation. good luck and God bless.

I know that I am the best thing in oc life right now believe me I see it everyday. He has two stupid biological parents and I'm the one who picked up the pieces in all of this. I was just so angry because I fell in the driveway hard trying to take the kids to the car. I wanted to scream cry whatever. I'm typically a calm person but I blew the roof this am. Men are stupid. They become angry at the world and everybody suffers especially the kids.

aimee how do you find the strength through all of it. There are days when I just think I can't do this.

I made a decision when I got married to stay that way no matter what. Little did I know how challenging that would be! Now if my husband leaves me, then I will let him go but until then I will stand by the commitment. It might not be right for others, but that was my decision before we had the first problem. Also, my husband and I have never had the normal arguments and so forth that couples have. We get along pretty well. He tells girlfriends otherwise of course, but we have had few arguments. To me, that is a clear indication that while I could have done some things differently these affairs are really HIS problem and not about me or about us.

I have decided that I would wish kidney stones on SOME of the ow and hubby too. They are very painful but not enough to kill! But this life I live I would not wish on anyone. It is really really tough. I have totally given it to God though. I know that He is in control. In August 2003, I decided to do what I could and let the rest go. Now I take care of me (usually in spurts since with 4 little ones there is little time!) and I take care of the kids. I try to be the best mommy I can, and I treat my husband pretty decent. He knows that I do not approve. He knows that I hurt. He knows that I am usually unwilling to bail him out of troubles. And he knows that I want better for us. I have refused to own his problems. I don't worry about what my idiot husband is doing because I know I can't change it. I take care of what I can (me and the kids) and recognize that is all I can do. God can bring some good out of this situation.

In my case, I am seeing my husband wonder why I haven't burned his clothes and said ugly things to him. It definitely enters my mind, but so far I have maintained control. And a bonus point is that since I am decent to him, I have nothing to feel guilty about no matter how this turns out and also it leaves him admiring and loving me. He knows that my faith is the reason and I see him wanting the peace I have. To me, that part is cool and I am believing that someday my husband will be able to tell an awesome testimony of how God brought him back from the far country.

But meanwhile... he is being selfish, I am worn out and it is not fair. For now, I am treasuring the time I get to spend with children who may someday be elsewhere. I don't want this life, but it really could be worse and I am determined not to let his stupid problems get me down.

I'm in no way a saint... in fact I have a huge mark where I keep biting my tongue!! My only advice would be to take care of the things you can and give hubby and all his problems to God.

aimee, great to "see" you again and I admire your determination! I feel so badly for you ladies dealing w/multiple OC, multiple Ddays, etc. I say ladies because that's what you ARE, in the nicest, most powerful sense.

May God be with you, and may you feel His strength!!

J

Aimee,
You seem to have made a decision that you choose to live with. I'm really trying hard to understand it. What kind of an example can you be to your children about what a loving, committed, Christian marriage is supposed to be????? How effective a parent can you be in the long run being worn out, and having to hold your tongue often?

Adultry is the one criteria that is acceptable to God for divorcing someone, as I understand it. That doesn't say you have to...but perhaps there's a reason why it is "acceptable". In cases such as yours, why should you have to suffer so? It sounds like you have tried hard to work things out in the past. The behavior continues with no repentence on your husband's behalf.

You said you made a commitment to stay married no matter what. Haven't the vows of your marital commitment been broken numerous times? Is this really a marriage anymore? Those vows for marriage were in the presence of God. And, now, your husband has chosen to break the vow, the marriage. What "marriage" is there now?

Have you ever thought that "leaving your husband and his problems up to God" might involve divorcing your husband???? That might be just the wake-up call your husband needs to start healing. If he seems to want the peace he sees in you because of your faith, maybe he needs to hit rock bottom in order to start seeking that faith...when everyone else...all else...has failed him. You could be in the way of him reaching out to God for healing and peace.

You accept him engaging in behaviors that obviously meet some need of his. If that "need" continues to be met in the way he chooses (adultry), if it gives him his "fix", he may never experience the need for God.

Just a few of thoughts.

By the way BSs, when your spouse has custody of an OC(s), and you have no legal rights...how do you handle it if the OC needs medical care...etc....when a legal permission is required? In an emergency? etc.

FYI,
I have had an OC in my life. He was born to my 47 year old xWS and his 21 yr. old OW. He was born with Down Syndrome. I met the OC and spent time with him. I fell in love with him. I was willing to have him in my life. My only hesitancy was having ongoing contact with the OW, but I think I would have risked it. My xWS made no changes in behavior, however, that led to that happening.

It is a difficult position to be in. We are loving, caring people who don't want to see innocent children hurt. Yet, that can make it easier for the birth parent(s) to not take responsibility for a relationship with the child. I still find it hard to see the "guilty" parties get off easy, while we love their children...and it has nothing to do with the innocent child who deserves all the love in the world.

My $.02 worth.....

H and I have had some words. He is playing the blame card right now that everything is my fault. That he had big plans for the family. So I ruined it all. I mean what am I suppose to say. I have read from alot of things that I should agree and not to defend. This is extremely hard when I know in my heart of hearts that I have taken everything like a sponge. D days and all. What am I suppose to say to him. I try to be kind though.

NDIY, who is telling you to agree and not defend? maybe i am missing something here but isnt that just playing into the whole affair fantasy thing if you start accepting the blame he is trying to heap on you? you are enabling him.

If you mean Plan A i am not a expert but i thought the guiding principle was to make a concerted effort to meet his emotional needs etc but that doesnt mean becoming his whipping boy.

You can make an effort to meet his EN's while still refusing to accept the blame for his behavior. Maybe if you go through the EN checklist and see if you can answer on his behalf. That might help you work out what his needs are so you can address them.

but please, please, please do not think that you need to accept this behavior for him. You can calmly and without attacking, let him know that you will not accept the blame for his behavior.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. He sounds like he is totally in the entitlement zone. sometimes i think violence really is the answer.

big hugs

Carolyn

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Wow that was funny Carolyn I loved it... Yeah I think I have volunteered to punch a Wayward Husband or 2....

NDIY, here is a thread on plan A that i found. Note the bit about NOT ACCEPTING THE BLAME!!!!!
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showthreaded.php?Cat=0&Number=2858269&page=

Cordelia: lol. as have i. i have even learned to lock my wrist so it doesnt hurt so much when i connect.

Thanks for that link I think I should print that one out and read it often. It seems like when my H doesn't hear from me for days he gets nervous and has to send me a message to get my attention, and all of it is negative attention. Like it's all my fault that I ruined his plans for a happy family. It has upset me, and I keep telling myself why I allow him to get to my nerves. I guess that is part of being human. I won't take the blame for his behavior just trying to alleviate arguments that has not gotten us anywhere. He is not a very rational person to say the least.

Hi NDIY,

I am an old timer who also experienced 2 OCs, 2 OW. I came out of lurkdom when I read your post.

You should do a search on my screen name in P/C and GQII and read my story .

I'm the last one to try and give advice as to a decision when faced with this UNBELIEVABLE situation your husband has placed you in. But if you read what I went through, hopefully theres something in there that will help you not make the mistakes I made.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I say that knowing how it affected me and how I see myself even after 4+ years of divorce. It can be very damaging if you don't stand up for yourself. And even then, your self esteem likely takes a hit.

I'm praying for you.

Love,
Jo

ndiy,

I came back just to see what was going on with you and it looks like things are still a mess.I can really sympathize even though I don't have any OC to deal with.I do read over here a lot as well as other boards too.

Anyway,I wanted to ask what your plan is? I think it is good hearted of you to try and take care of the OC but I am having a hard time understanding why.Your marriage is a mess,your WH is confused and off in la-la land and the OC's mother is just as bad off in her own little world.So,you are left to make sure the boat doesn't sink but is it really your responsibility? What if your WH never gets a clue? Will you still be taking care of this child? Are you prepared to do that for life because if not,you have to ask yourself how much bonding is going on now with this child and one day you might have to give him back to your WH and his OW.They are the parents if your marriage fails.And will this hurt the OC more if he depends on you and comes to depend on you and you have to let him go?

Your WH still is blaming you for all that happened.It's deplorable and shows you how much your WH hasn't learned or dealt with but you are there to pick up his slack and save the day so he doesn't even have that responsibility to worry about.He has you.

I am not out to offend you for your choices but rather,want to know what your plan is and how much longer you will support your WH in his hurtful and inappropriate choices.What is a deal breaker for you? Is there anything? I am just curious.We all have limits.I'll just say that you do no one any favors by not allowing them to feel the consequences of their behavior.Just like children,they have to learn from their mistakes and you don't rush in to make it all better.They will just use you as long as they can and learn that it's ok because you allow it.

Do you think that by taking care of your WH's OC that he is going to be any closer to wanting the marriage and you than he is now? That doesn't seem to be working at all.What about this new OC?

O

I really don't know what my plan is right now. I figured I give it about a month who knows. Ow of oc now knows that my H and I are on the outs, and she called to tell me how she loves and appreciate me for what I have done and am doing for oc. I told her there is no need for all that. I have been the one making sure oc is and was alright. she apolized over and over again about her relationship she had with my husband and that she regrets every part of it. I told her no amount of apology would ever change what her and my H did, but I allowed her to say what she wanted. she tried however to get me to tell her what was wrong with H and I. She says that she knows more than I think she knows. Anyway sitter just called me and told me that H picked up kids and asked her about keeping oc extended overnight with him pick up in the morning. she said she had to think about it. He also said that he didn't like the kids being split. Dah and who is doing it? I don't know I'm so confused and just want this thing to be over with. What a life for oc. He is going to end up messed up in the end. wow! H told sitter he needed time to think and that he was tired. Tired of what his crap he dish out to me. It seems like he is still like poor me.

On my lunch break I just cried so much, so much confusion. It is all just a blur.

question to anybody who may know. If I wanted to relocate could the courts prevent me from doing so?

I can't stand the blame game, but why do I feel so guilty and bad for him being gone, when I did nothing. I hate that feeling, but it won't go away. I hate feeling like I have lost something so dear to me. I loved him so much and still love him, but u can't make someone love u back the way I need to be. I can't fix this I know, but I just don't understand why he refuse to go to counseling. Isn't our children worth that? Am I the only one to care about what happens. He was ok with life as long as he was able to have his cake and eat it too. How could he be so selfish? I guess I will never understand things in his head. I was suppose to be his doormat allow him to emotionally abuse me and say nothing. I was suppose to be submissive to everything he does. I feel like I should have left before it got to this point. He gained everything and I loose all.

i'm sorry! i wish i had words of encouragement for you. i will say that you should never take the blame for what he has done. and you know that from what i have read from you. don't accept that from him. i have learned that selfishness is the game of the afair.

i was lucky enough to not know about my husbands afair until after it was over and he had already figured out how selfish he had been. i haven't had to deal with him going back to her. so many things i am thankful for. i know how bad i hurt, i can't imagine that i would have been strong enough to stay if i had to go through all that i see so many of you going through. my heart goes out to you.

it is impossible to understand what goes through their heads. i quit trying. i was making myself crazy trying to understand how someone with such a big heart as my husband could ever do something so hurtful to someone that he says he loves so much. i finally just accepted that he says he knows how big of a mistake he made and begged me over & over again to give him another chance. so far, i haven't regretted it. i hope i never will, but it has only been 6mo since d-day.

i wish i had all the answers, but only God does.

"God will never take me through more than i can handle!"
Don't forget that!!! I have lived by that motto for years. you caught my eye from the beginning with that being at the end of your post.

your in my prayers.

Aimee,
I remember you and your story and really feel for you. But I want to point something out. You said "I made a decision when I got married to stay that way no matter what." That's a fine commitment when both partners are committed to the success of the marriage. However, when one partner is simply looking to get away with as much as he can, it's the equivalent to saying "Walk all over me. Take everything I have. Thank you. Come again."

{{ndiy}},

If I go by the registration date shown,you have been here at least since 9/04.Your WH blames you for what is going on,he has not made a committment to you and the marriage,now has another OC on the way and you have no plan.

As Dr.Phil states, "How's this working for ya?" If it's not going well then you need to make some changes.Again I am not out to offend you ndiy and I admire your strength to stick with this so long but it just seems to me that your life is being driven by all these circumstances and other's,not by you.It would be one thing if you said you were happy and everything was going well but it most certainly is not,not by any means.


What has he gained? His life is a complete mess.Every single day for you is an opportunity to have the life YOU want,not what other's are handing to you on a cracked plate.


That's understandable but you are where you are now because of your choices.Many of us have to look at reality,what is staring at us right now,not what was.You can ask yourself a million questions of why but base your decisions on how you want your life to go and what you are dealing with NOW.Not then,not the past,not probabilities that cannot be guaranteed.When it comes to Infidelity and certainly when it comes to OC's there is a LOT lost.We all go through that loss but it doesn't have to define the rest of our lives.

If I believed what I did in the early days that I just could not bear living without my husband and our marriage being over,then I would probably be on the funny farm and still dealing with an unfaithful husband contacting the homewrecker.But no one decided for me how I live my life.I am in a much healthier,happier place now not being at ground zero of adultery.The key was recognizing my WH was not going to change no matter how long I waited,no matter how many cup's of coffee I made him,no matter what I did because HE didn't do the work HE needed to do to be a better husband,father,lover and friend.

I'm sorry if this is getting wordy but I would like you see you make some kind of plan and time limit so this terrible situation doesn't go on eternally.You cannot,IMO,give him free reign and a no time limit contract on your life.You are worth much more and deserve better or he no longer has the benefit of you in his life.That's what being a doormat is: allowing him(or any WS) to act hurtfully,selfishly and fence sit month after month after month while you wait.Take a stand and don't let that happen.It's cruel to anyone.

O

I know that I have to not put my life on hold for him. I plan to file for legal seperation next month so that I can get a child support order and maintenance. It hurts so much though. I don't understand how a person can throw it all away because they refuse to change. Selfishness on his part has always been an annoyance to me, the fact that it's always been about him and what he wants. I want a husband who will love and cherish me the same way I love and cherish him. I need someone who will have the upmost respect for me and my children. I have taken way too much emotional abuse from this man, and I often wonder how I have any love at all left for him. I hate what he is doing to this family and has done just because he is a cake eater. He had the nerves to tell my friend that he will stop what he is doing when he turns 40. As if he is enjoying life to the fullest at all cost until the young girls no longer find him attractive. ugggh. I know I deserve better than this, and it is too bad that he does not feel the same. It hurts me though to see what he is putting oc through. He ask me everyday when his mom whom he calls by first name is going to pick him up. It's like he is shifted from one place to another and I'm sure all of it is a bit confusing to him. It tears my heart to pieces. I cried alot yesterday and I know that I needed that. Sometimes I just can't smile even though I'm generally and upbeat person and easy going. I love to laugh. I think WH took advantage of my kind loving spirit. I know that when it is all said and done my children and I will be alright. We didn't do this he did, and we will come out on top. I know it hurts only for the moment, as a song says eventually the hurt won't hurt anymore. I do know that it will take me a long time before I could ever trust the way I trusted my H. It would be extremely hard to love that way again.

Hi again,

I am glad you are at least examining your situation more based on YOU and not just WH,OC's and his behavior.



Right.So,in the meantime, you are supposed to just hang out and wait for him while he shuffles around acting poorly and not making committments to anything but his freewheeling lifestyle. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> And,he will quit doing what he's doing when he turns 40.That's like an alcoholic saying I'll stop drinking tomorrow and then tomorrow turns into the next day,then the next day and then the joke is on you.When is he going to be 40 anyway: 2 years from now?



It's hard to imagine a new life that's free of pain when you are in the midst of such turmoil ndiy.One day you can look back and remember all this as a very rough time in your life but that you made healthy decisions for yourself.Sure it would be great if your WH got his act together and went to counseling,cleaned up his lifestyle,started acting like a decent man,father and husband.He isn't doing much of that at all based on what you said.Who wants someone like that? Sure he is confused but he is also not making good decisions in his life and a lot of people,namely the poor kids,are being affected by that.

You don't even have to think about being with someone else right now.What you want to do is make a timeline to stop the madness.You can do all you want up until then to save your marriage and family but unless your WH is a willing particpant,there is no marriage to be saved.You cannot do it alone and you shouldn't have to. I am by no means telling you to give up on your marriage but do have a timeline where you do not put up with the bad behavior of your WH anymore.

And I am here to say that being on your own,even with children as I have too,can be very rewarding and healthy.I am rediscovering a lot about myself and enjoying not having a toxic man in my life.It would be great if my WH and I were able to save our marriage and family but I was the only one doing all the work.Sometimes tough decisions are just that but they are the right ones for us.

Stay Strong~

O

H is at it again just text me saying he is inquiring about selling the house. I'm not even going to reply because it's just being mean and hurtful. Why is he doing this? He can't do anything without my permission I know so until paperwork is filed I'm going to ignore him. He is being hateful. Replying to him will be letting him know that he is getting to me.

NDIY,

i am sorry he is being such an [censored]. i dont know if this would apply to your situation but my soon to be x brotherinlaw was acting the same way not to long ago. he needed cash to fund his playboy lifestyle and when my sister wouldnt let him sell the home, he took out an equity loan with the mortgage company without my sisters knowledge. we now know she should have told the bank that they were seperated and they would not have agreed the loan.

do you think it might be worth calling the mortgagee and letting them know?

again, i am so sorry he is being such a pig.

hugs

carolyn

we just took out a equity loan couple of months ago no more equity left. H own business so he has money. I'm just so sick to my stomach with what he is doing.

not, have you looked into temporary support or some way to get as much money out of your joint accounts as possible? I cannot believe the high amount of entitlement your H has. {{{not}}} You and your kids have a good Christmas without him ok? I wish we could help somehow.

I have looked into legal separation which I don't have the money right now to do it. I don't make a whole lot right now so money I have is used to care for me and the kids. I know that if we divorce he would have to either split the business in half or buy me out, and he would have to pay alot in child support. Right now I have pushed anything because he is still paying the house note and still takes care of the kids. I was going to wait untilt he new year to file paperwork when I have the extra money. It seems like he is trying to ruin our xmas at all cost. It's just sickening. He left why can't he leave me alone. I don't bother him. He has turned into the devil himself. I can't believe this is the person I married.

He is trying to steal what little joy I have right now, and I know that it is evil. He is angry and wants me to be too. I'm doing my best to not let his tactics work.

Certain states can order you to stay in the area based on the children's custody. (Not to order you to stay, but that the children stay.)

I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

My H also does things when he's hurting to get to me. He would e-mail things to me trying to make me worry about the situation, the house, etc... It was his way of trying to make me hurt as much as he was hurting. Stupid considering he was the cause of all the hurt.

Hang in there.

Just wanted to give a little update. I'm dong pretty darn good I must say I have went on with my life and it is not as bad as I thought. I sleep well at night and I'm overall happy. I know that I am able to be happy because I know in my heart of hearts that I gave 110% and that's just an understatment. I loved and loved and loved. I'm not saying I never had an angry moment where I just hated him and may have said some things that hurt him, but how much can one person take. I have come to the conclusion that he is still a boy and probably won't be growing up no time soon. No papers have been filed and I'm not in any rush. He still denies that there is a possible oc #2. He tells me that is the reason that he left me because I was accusing him of things. Go figure! I no longer am taking care of oc#1 he is with his father. I love and miss him but my life is so more simplar in that I'm not trying to take care of two children that are the exact same age. I still don't trust H with overnights with our daugther because he has not proven to me that he will make smart choices. I did ask that he not drop her at any of his female friends homes, because I will always welcome her home anytime. He is a partier and don't think that he will stop that life style to sit at home with kids. But I do know that he has that right to see her, so I just try not to think about it. OC#1 mother calls me begging me to take care of her son again because she doesn't want her son traveling around the streets with H. That she wants for oc to have some stability. Go figure I could have fell over with that one. I did some much for the both of them things I didn't have to do, and I look back and wonder why I even bothered. I tried to make things right and it fell apart anyway. I know because it was me trying and not him changing. He continued with affairs just different names and faces. I don't know truthfully what will be the end story, but for now I'm being strong. I can't spend my time crying over spoiled milk my kids need me and it would be unfair to let them see me torn apart and tore down. I can't afford that one. Not to say that once in a blue moon my eyes don't swell and I need to cry but believe me that is few and far between. I don't know where I get my strength. Oh yea God is good! H at first would not talk to me about nothing he just seemed so angry and I didn't understand because he was the one to move out. I asked him why he was acting so bitter it was his choice not to work on the relationship. But I can't bother with that.