On my lunch break I just cried so much, so much confusion. It is all just a blur.

question to anybody who may know. If I wanted to relocate could the courts prevent me from doing so?

I can't stand the blame game, but why do I feel so guilty and bad for him being gone, when I did nothing. I hate that feeling, but it won't go away. I hate feeling like I have lost something so dear to me. I loved him so much and still love him, but u can't make someone love u back the way I need to be. I can't fix this I know, but I just don't understand why he refuse to go to counseling. Isn't our children worth that? Am I the only one to care about what happens. He was ok with life as long as he was able to have his cake and eat it too. How could he be so selfish? I guess I will never understand things in his head. I was suppose to be his doormat allow him to emotionally abuse me and say nothing. I was suppose to be submissive to everything he does. I feel like I should have left before it got to this point. He gained everything and I loose all.

i'm sorry! i wish i had words of encouragement for you. i will say that you should never take the blame for what he has done. and you know that from what i have read from you. don't accept that from him. i have learned that selfishness is the game of the afair.

i was lucky enough to not know about my husbands afair until after it was over and he had already figured out how selfish he had been. i haven't had to deal with him going back to her. so many things i am thankful for. i know how bad i hurt, i can't imagine that i would have been strong enough to stay if i had to go through all that i see so many of you going through. my heart goes out to you.

it is impossible to understand what goes through their heads. i quit trying. i was making myself crazy trying to understand how someone with such a big heart as my husband could ever do something so hurtful to someone that he says he loves so much. i finally just accepted that he says he knows how big of a mistake he made and begged me over & over again to give him another chance. so far, i haven't regretted it. i hope i never will, but it has only been 6mo since d-day.

i wish i had all the answers, but only God does.

"God will never take me through more than i can handle!"
Don't forget that!!! I have lived by that motto for years. you caught my eye from the beginning with that being at the end of your post.

your in my prayers.

Aimee,
I remember you and your story and really feel for you. But I want to point something out. You said "I made a decision when I got married to stay that way no matter what." That's a fine commitment when both partners are committed to the success of the marriage. However, when one partner is simply looking to get away with as much as he can, it's the equivalent to saying "Walk all over me. Take everything I have. Thank you. Come again."

{{ndiy}},

If I go by the registration date shown,you have been here at least since 9/04.Your WH blames you for what is going on,he has not made a committment to you and the marriage,now has another OC on the way and you have no plan.

As Dr.Phil states, "How's this working for ya?" If it's not going well then you need to make some changes.Again I am not out to offend you ndiy and I admire your strength to stick with this so long but it just seems to me that your life is being driven by all these circumstances and other's,not by you.It would be one thing if you said you were happy and everything was going well but it most certainly is not,not by any means.


What has he gained? His life is a complete mess.Every single day for you is an opportunity to have the life YOU want,not what other's are handing to you on a cracked plate.


That's understandable but you are where you are now because of your choices.Many of us have to look at reality,what is staring at us right now,not what was.You can ask yourself a million questions of why but base your decisions on how you want your life to go and what you are dealing with NOW.Not then,not the past,not probabilities that cannot be guaranteed.When it comes to Infidelity and certainly when it comes to OC's there is a LOT lost.We all go through that loss but it doesn't have to define the rest of our lives.

If I believed what I did in the early days that I just could not bear living without my husband and our marriage being over,then I would probably be on the funny farm and still dealing with an unfaithful husband contacting the homewrecker.But no one decided for me how I live my life.I am in a much healthier,happier place now not being at ground zero of adultery.The key was recognizing my WH was not going to change no matter how long I waited,no matter how many cup's of coffee I made him,no matter what I did because HE didn't do the work HE needed to do to be a better husband,father,lover and friend.

I'm sorry if this is getting wordy but I would like you see you make some kind of plan and time limit so this terrible situation doesn't go on eternally.You cannot,IMO,give him free reign and a no time limit contract on your life.You are worth much more and deserve better or he no longer has the benefit of you in his life.That's what being a doormat is: allowing him(or any WS) to act hurtfully,selfishly and fence sit month after month after month while you wait.Take a stand and don't let that happen.It's cruel to anyone.

O

I know that I have to not put my life on hold for him. I plan to file for legal seperation next month so that I can get a child support order and maintenance. It hurts so much though. I don't understand how a person can throw it all away because they refuse to change. Selfishness on his part has always been an annoyance to me, the fact that it's always been about him and what he wants. I want a husband who will love and cherish me the same way I love and cherish him. I need someone who will have the upmost respect for me and my children. I have taken way too much emotional abuse from this man, and I often wonder how I have any love at all left for him. I hate what he is doing to this family and has done just because he is a cake eater. He had the nerves to tell my friend that he will stop what he is doing when he turns 40. As if he is enjoying life to the fullest at all cost until the young girls no longer find him attractive. ugggh. I know I deserve better than this, and it is too bad that he does not feel the same. It hurts me though to see what he is putting oc through. He ask me everyday when his mom whom he calls by first name is going to pick him up. It's like he is shifted from one place to another and I'm sure all of it is a bit confusing to him. It tears my heart to pieces. I cried alot yesterday and I know that I needed that. Sometimes I just can't smile even though I'm generally and upbeat person and easy going. I love to laugh. I think WH took advantage of my kind loving spirit. I know that when it is all said and done my children and I will be alright. We didn't do this he did, and we will come out on top. I know it hurts only for the moment, as a song says eventually the hurt won't hurt anymore. I do know that it will take me a long time before I could ever trust the way I trusted my H. It would be extremely hard to love that way again.

Hi again,

I am glad you are at least examining your situation more based on YOU and not just WH,OC's and his behavior.



Right.So,in the meantime, you are supposed to just hang out and wait for him while he shuffles around acting poorly and not making committments to anything but his freewheeling lifestyle. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> And,he will quit doing what he's doing when he turns 40.That's like an alcoholic saying I'll stop drinking tomorrow and then tomorrow turns into the next day,then the next day and then the joke is on you.When is he going to be 40 anyway: 2 years from now?



It's hard to imagine a new life that's free of pain when you are in the midst of such turmoil ndiy.One day you can look back and remember all this as a very rough time in your life but that you made healthy decisions for yourself.Sure it would be great if your WH got his act together and went to counseling,cleaned up his lifestyle,started acting like a decent man,father and husband.He isn't doing much of that at all based on what you said.Who wants someone like that? Sure he is confused but he is also not making good decisions in his life and a lot of people,namely the poor kids,are being affected by that.

You don't even have to think about being with someone else right now.What you want to do is make a timeline to stop the madness.You can do all you want up until then to save your marriage and family but unless your WH is a willing particpant,there is no marriage to be saved.You cannot do it alone and you shouldn't have to. I am by no means telling you to give up on your marriage but do have a timeline where you do not put up with the bad behavior of your WH anymore.

And I am here to say that being on your own,even with children as I have too,can be very rewarding and healthy.I am rediscovering a lot about myself and enjoying not having a toxic man in my life.It would be great if my WH and I were able to save our marriage and family but I was the only one doing all the work.Sometimes tough decisions are just that but they are the right ones for us.

Stay Strong~

O

H is at it again just text me saying he is inquiring about selling the house. I'm not even going to reply because it's just being mean and hurtful. Why is he doing this? He can't do anything without my permission I know so until paperwork is filed I'm going to ignore him. He is being hateful. Replying to him will be letting him know that he is getting to me.

NDIY,

i am sorry he is being such an [censored]. i dont know if this would apply to your situation but my soon to be x brotherinlaw was acting the same way not to long ago. he needed cash to fund his playboy lifestyle and when my sister wouldnt let him sell the home, he took out an equity loan with the mortgage company without my sisters knowledge. we now know she should have told the bank that they were seperated and they would not have agreed the loan.

do you think it might be worth calling the mortgagee and letting them know?

again, i am so sorry he is being such a pig.

hugs

carolyn

we just took out a equity loan couple of months ago no more equity left. H own business so he has money. I'm just so sick to my stomach with what he is doing.

not, have you looked into temporary support or some way to get as much money out of your joint accounts as possible? I cannot believe the high amount of entitlement your H has. {{{not}}} You and your kids have a good Christmas without him ok? I wish we could help somehow.

I have looked into legal separation which I don't have the money right now to do it. I don't make a whole lot right now so money I have is used to care for me and the kids. I know that if we divorce he would have to either split the business in half or buy me out, and he would have to pay alot in child support. Right now I have pushed anything because he is still paying the house note and still takes care of the kids. I was going to wait untilt he new year to file paperwork when I have the extra money. It seems like he is trying to ruin our xmas at all cost. It's just sickening. He left why can't he leave me alone. I don't bother him. He has turned into the devil himself. I can't believe this is the person I married.

He is trying to steal what little joy I have right now, and I know that it is evil. He is angry and wants me to be too. I'm doing my best to not let his tactics work.

Certain states can order you to stay in the area based on the children's custody. (Not to order you to stay, but that the children stay.)

I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

My H also does things when he's hurting to get to me. He would e-mail things to me trying to make me worry about the situation, the house, etc... It was his way of trying to make me hurt as much as he was hurting. Stupid considering he was the cause of all the hurt.

Hang in there.

Just wanted to give a little update. I'm dong pretty darn good I must say I have went on with my life and it is not as bad as I thought. I sleep well at night and I'm overall happy. I know that I am able to be happy because I know in my heart of hearts that I gave 110% and that's just an understatment. I loved and loved and loved. I'm not saying I never had an angry moment where I just hated him and may have said some things that hurt him, but how much can one person take. I have come to the conclusion that he is still a boy and probably won't be growing up no time soon. No papers have been filed and I'm not in any rush. He still denies that there is a possible oc #2. He tells me that is the reason that he left me because I was accusing him of things. Go figure! I no longer am taking care of oc#1 he is with his father. I love and miss him but my life is so more simplar in that I'm not trying to take care of two children that are the exact same age. I still don't trust H with overnights with our daugther because he has not proven to me that he will make smart choices. I did ask that he not drop her at any of his female friends homes, because I will always welcome her home anytime. He is a partier and don't think that he will stop that life style to sit at home with kids. But I do know that he has that right to see her, so I just try not to think about it. OC#1 mother calls me begging me to take care of her son again because she doesn't want her son traveling around the streets with H. That she wants for oc to have some stability. Go figure I could have fell over with that one. I did some much for the both of them things I didn't have to do, and I look back and wonder why I even bothered. I tried to make things right and it fell apart anyway. I know because it was me trying and not him changing. He continued with affairs just different names and faces. I don't know truthfully what will be the end story, but for now I'm being strong. I can't spend my time crying over spoiled milk my kids need me and it would be unfair to let them see me torn apart and tore down. I can't afford that one. Not to say that once in a blue moon my eyes don't swell and I need to cry but believe me that is few and far between. I don't know where I get my strength. Oh yea God is good! H at first would not talk to me about nothing he just seemed so angry and I didn't understand because he was the one to move out. I asked him why he was acting so bitter it was his choice not to work on the relationship. But I can't bother with that.