ndiy,

Are you really up for taking responsibility of this OC for now? Where is the mother? Did you get full custody?

Personally,I do not think this is a good idea.Yes it is quite admirable of you to look out for this OC but it's not your responsibility now if WH moved out,it is that of your WH's and the OW(mother).One day either one or both of them will come calling and you do not want to be caught up in those legalities nor the emotion if this OC gets attached to you.Do not accept responsibilities that aren't yours,please.You can't go around saving all the OC's your WH ends up having.Your WH will take advantage of your good nature and will not learn a da** thing.JMO.

Hang in there.

O

First weekend H left I took time away by going out of town to see some friends. It really helped me alot I enjoyed myself. I even let hubby know I was leaving and he was on pins and needles the whole time I was gone. Currently we have no communication except for the occassional text message about things in general. No voice contact. He hasn't been to see the children and I'm sure it is because of guilt of him leaving. I'm still taking care of oc and his mother knows nothing of what is going on. H brought some money to the house for the kids xmas which I did thank him on text message. I have broken down a couple of times but for the most part I'm holding up extremely well. I'm must be ok even if things don't work out the way I hoped. I'm taking things one day at a time but it does get lonely. The kids does not ask for him you know with them being so young out of sight out of mind. I really don't know how long I will continue to care for oc just trying not to give up way to quick.

As far as I know it is just H that has legal custody!

not, this can get very sticky for you legally if OW gets wind of your H being gone and you having OC. She may try to pull something on you. Please tell me you have contacted an atty to protect yourself.

Yea I know this, but she says that she is already tryin to get her life together so that she can get him back, which I totally agree with her. If the father is not going to make decisions that are in the best interest of the child then give him back to his mother. I have talked to a few attorneys but they say the only choice I have is to stay or divorce and getting the child support. Legally we are not seperated so I don't know how that works. He even tells people that he has not completely moved out. I don't know about all this.

I was so angry this morning. It snowed here and I had to clean off my car and drag to screaming children out in the mess. Late to work this morning called H yelling at him becuz am sure he is some where under warm covers with no responsibility but himself. Damn him right now how selfish. I told him he needs to come and get his son I'm tired of this crap. My kindness is getting taken so for granted. Why becuz of hopes of our marriage working. I don't know anymore I'm starting not to give one hoot anymore.

I have been gone for oh forever... like a year anyway so keep in mind in my reply that i don't know your background. and things in my house have gone from bad to worse because I have a husband who is 33 going on 15 and I believe sociopathic or bipolar, but I want to respond to you about what to do with oc in present situation.

Right now you and home are the most responsible and most logical place for oc. Your hubby is probably just blowing off steam and afraid of dealing with the situation. He will probably calm down and (still try to avoid) and you two will go on and deal with this. But meanwhile, deal with oc just as you would if hubby was there. oc is part of your home. he does not go out the door just because hubby gets upset and takes a walk. my opinion is that even if hubby signed a contract for an apt, i would still keep oc at home unless hubby insists otherwise. i know you have no rights, but hubby will probably not argue about you giving good care to oc unless you push it of course. men are so stupid sometimes. give it some time to cool. it will most likely work itself out.

now on the other hand if YOU decide that you are done with the marriage, then you and hubby work out details of all three kids. but jmo, if you are still committed to the marriage then you are still mommy or step-mom or whatever you are and mommy status doesn't change regardless of hubby's presence or commitment until YOU decide.

i speak somewhat from experience... check out my sig line. but i totally understand if you decide to say forget it to the marriage. 2oc and multiple d-days takes a true toll on your life and the whole family. it's even tough on the idiot who put you in the situation. good luck and God bless.

I know that I am the best thing in oc life right now believe me I see it everyday. He has two stupid biological parents and I'm the one who picked up the pieces in all of this. I was just so angry because I fell in the driveway hard trying to take the kids to the car. I wanted to scream cry whatever. I'm typically a calm person but I blew the roof this am. Men are stupid. They become angry at the world and everybody suffers especially the kids.

aimee how do you find the strength through all of it. There are days when I just think I can't do this.

I made a decision when I got married to stay that way no matter what. Little did I know how challenging that would be! Now if my husband leaves me, then I will let him go but until then I will stand by the commitment. It might not be right for others, but that was my decision before we had the first problem. Also, my husband and I have never had the normal arguments and so forth that couples have. We get along pretty well. He tells girlfriends otherwise of course, but we have had few arguments. To me, that is a clear indication that while I could have done some things differently these affairs are really HIS problem and not about me or about us.

I have decided that I would wish kidney stones on SOME of the ow and hubby too. They are very painful but not enough to kill! But this life I live I would not wish on anyone. It is really really tough. I have totally given it to God though. I know that He is in control. In August 2003, I decided to do what I could and let the rest go. Now I take care of me (usually in spurts since with 4 little ones there is little time!) and I take care of the kids. I try to be the best mommy I can, and I treat my husband pretty decent. He knows that I do not approve. He knows that I hurt. He knows that I am usually unwilling to bail him out of troubles. And he knows that I want better for us. I have refused to own his problems. I don't worry about what my idiot husband is doing because I know I can't change it. I take care of what I can (me and the kids) and recognize that is all I can do. God can bring some good out of this situation.

In my case, I am seeing my husband wonder why I haven't burned his clothes and said ugly things to him. It definitely enters my mind, but so far I have maintained control. And a bonus point is that since I am decent to him, I have nothing to feel guilty about no matter how this turns out and also it leaves him admiring and loving me. He knows that my faith is the reason and I see him wanting the peace I have. To me, that part is cool and I am believing that someday my husband will be able to tell an awesome testimony of how God brought him back from the far country.

But meanwhile... he is being selfish, I am worn out and it is not fair. For now, I am treasuring the time I get to spend with children who may someday be elsewhere. I don't want this life, but it really could be worse and I am determined not to let his stupid problems get me down.

I'm in no way a saint... in fact I have a huge mark where I keep biting my tongue!! My only advice would be to take care of the things you can and give hubby and all his problems to God.

aimee, great to "see" you again and I admire your determination! I feel so badly for you ladies dealing w/multiple OC, multiple Ddays, etc. I say ladies because that's what you ARE, in the nicest, most powerful sense.

May God be with you, and may you feel His strength!!

J

Aimee,
You seem to have made a decision that you choose to live with. I'm really trying hard to understand it. What kind of an example can you be to your children about what a loving, committed, Christian marriage is supposed to be????? How effective a parent can you be in the long run being worn out, and having to hold your tongue often?

Adultry is the one criteria that is acceptable to God for divorcing someone, as I understand it. That doesn't say you have to...but perhaps there's a reason why it is "acceptable". In cases such as yours, why should you have to suffer so? It sounds like you have tried hard to work things out in the past. The behavior continues with no repentence on your husband's behalf.

You said you made a commitment to stay married no matter what. Haven't the vows of your marital commitment been broken numerous times? Is this really a marriage anymore? Those vows for marriage were in the presence of God. And, now, your husband has chosen to break the vow, the marriage. What "marriage" is there now?

Have you ever thought that "leaving your husband and his problems up to God" might involve divorcing your husband???? That might be just the wake-up call your husband needs to start healing. If he seems to want the peace he sees in you because of your faith, maybe he needs to hit rock bottom in order to start seeking that faith...when everyone else...all else...has failed him. You could be in the way of him reaching out to God for healing and peace.

You accept him engaging in behaviors that obviously meet some need of his. If that "need" continues to be met in the way he chooses (adultry), if it gives him his "fix", he may never experience the need for God.

Just a few of thoughts.

By the way BSs, when your spouse has custody of an OC(s), and you have no legal rights...how do you handle it if the OC needs medical care...etc....when a legal permission is required? In an emergency? etc.

FYI,
I have had an OC in my life. He was born to my 47 year old xWS and his 21 yr. old OW. He was born with Down Syndrome. I met the OC and spent time with him. I fell in love with him. I was willing to have him in my life. My only hesitancy was having ongoing contact with the OW, but I think I would have risked it. My xWS made no changes in behavior, however, that led to that happening.

It is a difficult position to be in. We are loving, caring people who don't want to see innocent children hurt. Yet, that can make it easier for the birth parent(s) to not take responsibility for a relationship with the child. I still find it hard to see the "guilty" parties get off easy, while we love their children...and it has nothing to do with the innocent child who deserves all the love in the world.

My $.02 worth.....

H and I have had some words. He is playing the blame card right now that everything is my fault. That he had big plans for the family. So I ruined it all. I mean what am I suppose to say. I have read from alot of things that I should agree and not to defend. This is extremely hard when I know in my heart of hearts that I have taken everything like a sponge. D days and all. What am I suppose to say to him. I try to be kind though.

NDIY, who is telling you to agree and not defend? maybe i am missing something here but isnt that just playing into the whole affair fantasy thing if you start accepting the blame he is trying to heap on you? you are enabling him.

If you mean Plan A i am not a expert but i thought the guiding principle was to make a concerted effort to meet his emotional needs etc but that doesnt mean becoming his whipping boy.

You can make an effort to meet his EN's while still refusing to accept the blame for his behavior. Maybe if you go through the EN checklist and see if you can answer on his behalf. That might help you work out what his needs are so you can address them.

but please, please, please do not think that you need to accept this behavior for him. You can calmly and without attacking, let him know that you will not accept the blame for his behavior.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. He sounds like he is totally in the entitlement zone. sometimes i think violence really is the answer.

big hugs

Carolyn

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Wow that was funny Carolyn I loved it... Yeah I think I have volunteered to punch a Wayward Husband or 2....

NDIY, here is a thread on plan A that i found. Note the bit about NOT ACCEPTING THE BLAME!!!!!
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showthreaded.php?Cat=0&Number=2858269&page=

Cordelia: lol. as have i. i have even learned to lock my wrist so it doesnt hurt so much when i connect.

Thanks for that link I think I should print that one out and read it often. It seems like when my H doesn't hear from me for days he gets nervous and has to send me a message to get my attention, and all of it is negative attention. Like it's all my fault that I ruined his plans for a happy family. It has upset me, and I keep telling myself why I allow him to get to my nerves. I guess that is part of being human. I won't take the blame for his behavior just trying to alleviate arguments that has not gotten us anywhere. He is not a very rational person to say the least.

Hi NDIY,

I am an old timer who also experienced 2 OCs, 2 OW. I came out of lurkdom when I read your post.

You should do a search on my screen name in P/C and GQII and read my story .

I'm the last one to try and give advice as to a decision when faced with this UNBELIEVABLE situation your husband has placed you in. But if you read what I went through, hopefully theres something in there that will help you not make the mistakes I made.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I say that knowing how it affected me and how I see myself even after 4+ years of divorce. It can be very damaging if you don't stand up for yourself. And even then, your self esteem likely takes a hit.

I'm praying for you.

Love,
Jo

ndiy,

I came back just to see what was going on with you and it looks like things are still a mess.I can really sympathize even though I don't have any OC to deal with.I do read over here a lot as well as other boards too.

Anyway,I wanted to ask what your plan is? I think it is good hearted of you to try and take care of the OC but I am having a hard time understanding why.Your marriage is a mess,your WH is confused and off in la-la land and the OC's mother is just as bad off in her own little world.So,you are left to make sure the boat doesn't sink but is it really your responsibility? What if your WH never gets a clue? Will you still be taking care of this child? Are you prepared to do that for life because if not,you have to ask yourself how much bonding is going on now with this child and one day you might have to give him back to your WH and his OW.They are the parents if your marriage fails.And will this hurt the OC more if he depends on you and comes to depend on you and you have to let him go?

Your WH still is blaming you for all that happened.It's deplorable and shows you how much your WH hasn't learned or dealt with but you are there to pick up his slack and save the day so he doesn't even have that responsibility to worry about.He has you.

I am not out to offend you for your choices but rather,want to know what your plan is and how much longer you will support your WH in his hurtful and inappropriate choices.What is a deal breaker for you? Is there anything? I am just curious.We all have limits.I'll just say that you do no one any favors by not allowing them to feel the consequences of their behavior.Just like children,they have to learn from their mistakes and you don't rush in to make it all better.They will just use you as long as they can and learn that it's ok because you allow it.

Do you think that by taking care of your WH's OC that he is going to be any closer to wanting the marriage and you than he is now? That doesn't seem to be working at all.What about this new OC?

O

I really don't know what my plan is right now. I figured I give it about a month who knows. Ow of oc now knows that my H and I are on the outs, and she called to tell me how she loves and appreciate me for what I have done and am doing for oc. I told her there is no need for all that. I have been the one making sure oc is and was alright. she apolized over and over again about her relationship she had with my husband and that she regrets every part of it. I told her no amount of apology would ever change what her and my H did, but I allowed her to say what she wanted. she tried however to get me to tell her what was wrong with H and I. She says that she knows more than I think she knows. Anyway sitter just called me and told me that H picked up kids and asked her about keeping oc extended overnight with him pick up in the morning. she said she had to think about it. He also said that he didn't like the kids being split. Dah and who is doing it? I don't know I'm so confused and just want this thing to be over with. What a life for oc. He is going to end up messed up in the end. wow! H told sitter he needed time to think and that he was tired. Tired of what his crap he dish out to me. It seems like he is still like poor me.