Hi everyone, I am new to this site and board. Today I was in search of advice and ran into you guys! I hope you all can give different views about my situation. As my situation in not as huge as some of the other posts I have read, it still upsets me. Today I found out that my husband of 1 year looks at porn on the internet. He told me out of the blue last night that he looked at porn once while I was gone on a trip for one week. Then today while on our computer I was curious to see if he still did it. And yes, I found traces of his porn from this past weekend. He is not too good with computers and doesnt know that the computer logs all internet activity. So I call him at work and yes he admitted that he does it every once in a while. He said since weve been together probably only 3 or 4 times. This upsets me very much! Our sex life is good. He doesnt complain and says that its not about that. He says he loves me, loves how I look, and loves our sex life. He says he does it out of boredom or because he needs to relieve stress when im not there. My husband was married before and said that he used to to it all the time before because there was no sex and he didnt want to be with his ex-wife. He also said it became a habit after he got divorced because he was a single bachelor. I am fine with all that but scared that I will become like his ex. I am very hurt by this, and it makes me feel like he betrayed me. I dont want to know that my husband looks at other women to "get off"(for lack of a better work, sorry). Eventhough, its only a few times it still makes me cry. Has any other women been through this? And for the men out there, is this normal, or should I be worried? I am scared it will develope into more. He says he is going to stop now that he knows it hurts me. But I am struggling with trusting him. Any advice or thoughts?

All I can say is this:

Whether or not your husband looks at porn, it has no bearing on your relationship. If your sex life is good, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

First off, welcome to the site, while you're here please read through all the basic concepts, there is a lot of information there. I believe in the Q&A section there are some good articles on porn.

So is porn a problem, I personally am against porn, but in your case I would still say it's a problem. Why? Because you don't want it in your marriage. That's a boundary you have and need to enforce if you believe in it. The excuse for using it when he is bored and you aren't there is another red flag to me. What happens when that ain't enough anymore? But the biggest red flag here to me is that he lied the night before. If it were a non-issue then why would he lie or not be totally open with it? When he lies, it's a problem.

I think it would be wise of you to take some time and explore your thoughts and feelings. Then effectively communicate those to him without using any disrespectful judgments.

Use a statements such as this "When you view porn, I feel betrayed as a wife because the I associate it with you getting arroused by other women......"

I think you need to have a very open and safe discussion. Find out how much he truly is using it. Talk to him about it being a boundary in your marriage. If he agrees to stop, follow through and keep checking.....

Another great post by Bill! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"I am very hurt by this, and it makes me feel like he betrayed me."

Hi, ssp:

Your h is betraying a boundary, the same that you would be if you were sending naked pictures of yourself to other guys so that they could "get off" on you. Your h would feel rightfully betrayed by that.

I broke up with someone last year over his insistence that strip clubs are okay for bachelor parties, etc. He was actually willing not to do it (to shut me up!) but he defended other guys doing it, and that was dealbreaker enough for me. That showed me a real lack of empathy on his part, a lack of fairness (he admitted he wouldn't want ME taking my clothes off for other guys!), and a lack of several other qualities I'm looking for in a husband. Sounds like your h may have the same deficits as my ex to some extent. (I hope you don't hate me for saying that - I know it's not what you want to hear.)

My concern is that, like me with my ex, you'll lose respect for your h over this. You already seem to have trust issues arising from, or exacerbated by, this behavior. Trust and respect are essential ingredients for relationships, and I hope you are able to work this out to your satisfaction. No one "needs" porn. It sounds like your h has a habit he needs to break if he values your marriage.

Best of luck -

This has got to be one of the biggest piles of horse manure I have ever heard. a good sex life is not the only indicator of the health of a marriage.

I encourage you to spend a few minutes looking at other relationships destroyed by addictions to porn before you dismiss it so lightly.

Jaye's another wise man! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I've noticed that in many threads.

Whether or not addiction is present, a loss of trust and respect on the part of a wife, or being made to feel unloved and objectified, obviously *does* have major bearing on a relationship.

Quite honestly, I have a feeling that men's "extracurricular" indulgences (even when no intercourse is involved) are sometimes what contributes to women looking outside the relationship for affection. I know that once I knew my ex might be going to strip clubs with his buddies, I felt no obligation to be faithful to him.

Best to all -

Hi ssp,

Hope you're still with us. I saw your post a couple of days ago, but haven't been able to write back until now.

Your post caught my eye because the combination of my husband's use of porn and my affair nearly ruined our marriage.

Allow me to tell you my story (as briefly as possible), in the hope that it will give you some insight into your own situation.

A little background: We've been married for 13 years and lived together for about 2 years before we got married. We have two daughters, 5 and 2 years old. We both have careers (sounds as though you two do as well?). About two years after we were married, I moved 200 miles away to persue a career opportunity. My husband and I only saw each other on weekends. That lasted for 1 1/2 years. Then a new career opportunity allowed me to move back home. But for the last 10 years, my husband and I have been on "opposite" schedules. I work 3-11 a.m. He works 9-5ish. So we don't see each other a lot during the week. And now with kids, our time is even more divided.

Early-on in our relationship, don't remember exactly when, I found some x-rated tapes my husband had. I told him why I didn't like them (same reasons as you, and probably most women). He told me he used to watch them in college and when he was single, and wouldn't anymore. Then went into a box in the basement. But somehow, some of them grew legs and made their way back into a dark little corner of our entertainment center. Who knows how long they were there before I found them. There was a repeat of my objections... and of his promise to never look at them again. Fast forward a few years. I'm pregnant with our first child. Late one night, I come downstairs to get a drink of water, and find him, on the couch, "taking care of business" to porn. The next day, I do some snooping and find a bunch of stuff on our computer. I write him a long letter explaining very clearly how it made me feel. He's even more apologetic than the other times and promises to stop.

Fast forward a few more years. Our marriage has become almost unbearable. We don't talk anymore. We're alienated from one another. He's short tempered with the children. We hardly ever have sex (maybe once every 2 or 3 months) and when we do, it's terrible. I'm thinking I never really loved him, or if I did, can't imagine what I saw in him. I'm also starting to wonder what's wrong with me because I don't even want to have sex anymore. It has been such a long time since my husband or anyone else has turned me on. Then out of the blue this sexy, exciting, younger man flirts with me and Whamo! I discover my libido is still very much alive and well.

Anyway, I ended up having a brief, sex-driven affair with the guy (Aug/Sept of this year). A couple of weeks later, I told my husband that I no longer loved him, didn't know if I ever did, and that our marriage was in trouble. But I didn't tell him about the affair. We started marriage counseling immediately. Soon thereafter, He told me that he had a confession that he had been watching porn again recently. I kind of brushed it off, saying thank you for telling me, but it was probably my fault since I wasn't very receptive to him anyway.

Three weeks later, with some prodding from the people on this forum, I fessed-up. That was Halloween night. Then last week, as I was explaining to him how lonely and unsexy I had felt leading up to the affair, he came totally clean. He said the porn had been an on-and-off again thing throught the marriage... not much at first... more when I moved away... less when I moved back... more when I started my early morning schedule... more and more and more after the children came... to the point that it had become a nightly thing. (It wasn't just porn. There was also a fair amount of drinking and some gambling).

My point is this: Early on, he said the same things your husband is saying about how he "used-to" do it a lot but only "once or twice" since we got together. And then it was "only when you're not here". Every situation is different, and every individual is different. But the similarities between our husbands -- and their rationalizations -- seem strikingly similar to me. Does that mean he will become addicted to it like my husband did? Not necessarily, but it sounds to me like it could go that way.

So I'm not sure what advice to give you, except don't let him or anyone else brush this off as no big deal. IT IS A BIG DEAL. AND IT HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BECOME AN EVEN BIGGER DEAL. Remain vigilant about this.

Fortunately, when faced with the crisis of losing his family, my husband has made a 180-degree turnaround. He fully recognizes how damaging it was to our marriage. And I'm taking responsiblity for the affair. We have a chance to make this work. But his years of porn use robbed us of precious weeks, months, and years we can never get back. I pray your husband sees the light sooner.

Take care of yourself and I wish you and your husband all the best.

--SC

Things I hope you will understand about pornography. Pornography is a drug. And many who view it regularly are addicted to it. For some, it is just like recreational use of drugs and they can move on from it. For others, the addiction occurs due to them wanting to escape from life and experience a state of euphoria that can be attained from using the drug. Many porn-addicts spend hours upon hours using their drug each day.

People with this type of addiction need couseling and help to recover from it. When dealing with porn, you must treat it like a drug.

Nobody quits a drug addiction cold turkey, they need counseling, an accountability partner, and constant monitoring over a set period of time. Complete openness, honesty about what they're doing on the computer is a must (if that is their source). I would suggest moving the computer to a non-private area, possibly even with anti-pornography software installed on it.

I can tell you a couple of things:

You are not alone. I think most women feel the way that you do about porn.

Also, I guarantee your husband is down-playing the frequency or number of times he views it.

On the other hand, as a guy, I can tell you that porn really has NOTHING to do with his satisfaction with the marriage, sex, or you. That's where women misunderstand. They think we have a connection to the girls in the porn which we do not and they also think that we compare or like the porn more than our wife which is not the case either. Porn for guys is merely a tool to get off, some variety, some edginess. But it doesn't mean that we are not getting fufilled at all.

I know that with myself, porn viewing did not necessarily increase or decrease with satisfaction of my real sex life.

I think the only true danger is the hurt that it causes to you and the somewhat rarer cases where the guy associates porn with arousal soo much that he can't get arroused without it-- even when he's with his wife.


So there are dangers. But if you ever were to get to the point where you understood that porn does not mean he's unsatisfied with you, then I see no harm in you giving him the ok.

I would never give anyone the green-light to view pornography. Regardless if it becomes an addiction or not, it is a drug. It does desensitize sexuality & intimacy, it does pervert the mind.

Maybe wasp89 doesn't think it has impacted his satisfaction of his sex life, but I'm sure he also fantisizes in his mind while having sex with his wife as well. Is the purpose of sex with a woman just to get each other off or is there something more to it?

I agree with Wasp 89.

Porn really has nothing to do with you, ssp. Sex with you and the use of porn are really two different things. It has no bearing on sexual satisfaction or dissatisfaction with you, either sexually or emotionally.

If you forbid him from using porn, even if he understands your point of view and agrees with you, will make him needlessly miserable. At best it will make him feel guilty that "he cheated on you" when he used it, and will feel resentful that you forbid him from using it. At worst, he'll continue to use it and lie to you about it. Making him needlessly miserable is no way of running a marriage.

My advice: accept it as a part of his personal life. Think of it as a hobby for him. Let him know that porn makes you uncomfortable, but that you accept him using it and that you love him. Accept his use of it. Really. And he'll appreciate you for it.

Yes, you may want to put down some ground rules. Make sure that he understands that it should not be where kids or visitors may stumble on it, and that illegal porn (e.g. child porn) is unacceptable. But don't make it a point of contention between the two of you. There are bigger things in marriage to worry about then porn.

Yeah, accept his use of a drug. That's good advice. <-- insert sarcasm.

I don't disagree that pornography can be bad. Sort of like alcohol in that it does have the potential to create some serious problems in your life. It all depends on the reasons and frequency of use.

In a small way I get satisfaction out of you saying that I fantisise about porn while with my wife because that tell me that you have NO CLUE what you are talking about. One of the reasons my wife worries about porn is for that reason. And consequently I gave up porn so that she can have peace of mind. But I can tell you that her worries are completely unfounded. I DO NOT think about other people when I'm with her. To me, girls in porns are dirty and "cheap". Contrast that with my wife who is wholesome and smart and irreplaceable. No sir, I definitely enjoy being with my wife and I am with my wife mind and body when I am with her-- and even when I'm not with her.

"So how could you possible view porn and be soo in love with your wife" you might say (I would think most guys would know the answer but you don't seem to). Well, it's because guy's minds are really good about separating the two. Porn can just be "there" and the nakedness and edginess of it can turn me on but there is absolutely no connection at all to what it is that I'm viewing. I've never once wanted to be in a porn. I've never said "I wish that girl were my girlfriend". I've never said "man, she is pretty; wish my wife were like that" "I wish my wife would do that, she doesn't measure up to what I'm seeing". No sir, just doesn't work like that. Porn is porn and wife is a completely separate idea and place in my mind.

If you want to debate the morality of porn, ok, you have the upper hand. But I will not apologize and say that porn makes me thing a certain way which it does not.

ManOfGod calls it a drug. I can only assume that he is talking about illicit drugs, and not medicine. The problems with drugs is that they can take over your life, and ruin your life and lives of people around you. I do not believe that this is the case here. If the use of porn does become such a problem, then I would agree with ManOfGod.

For the original poster I reiterate my view point: porn has no effect on his relationship with you. Look at it as a hobby for him. As with any other hobby, if this hobby does not interfere with his life (devotes too much time to it, cant differentiate between this hobby and his relation with you), then you should just accept it. Even embrace his use of it. Save your fights for something more important.

Once again, I wholeheartely agree with Wasp89

I agree and disagree. I agree that IF she can learn to be cool with it, then he would be happier to have her blessing. But I've really come to the conclusion that women are wired in a way that they can't handle it. It's pretty universal when you ask women why they hate it. It's not like somebody went around and told them why to hate it. They instinctually all seem threatened by it. So as much as we're wired to be able to handle it, if they are wired to not be able to handle it, it's the caring thing to do to go ahead and swear it off. Your wife will be more content and feel more secure and that's important.

However, I will warn her that it's hard to quit viewing porn over night. I probably struggled for about 2 months where I'd agree I wouldn't look at it and then I'd slip up and view it, get caught, hurt her feelings, etc etc. But alass I saw the light and now it's not very difficult at all. It's probably been 3 months or more and I don't feel that I'm missing out. So ssn, give your husband some slack to mess up if he comitts to stop and falls a couple of times.

Just so you know, I've gone to Sexual Anonymous meetings shortly after my wife caught me viewing porn after I said I would not.

What I saw was horrific. Guys that had affairs, guys that spend crazy amounts of money on porn or hot lines, guys that resorted to hookers!!

I was like WOW, this sucks. I told my wife I didn't relate to these people. Personally, from my limited contact with them, I felt their problem was that they did cross the line of getting emotionally involved.

My wife and I went to a strip club once. My wife was being super cool about it and I was proud of her for being soo cool. But she started talking to this young stripper, pretty much interviewing her. Finding out her name, that she doesn't go to college, that she lives with her boyfriend, that she wanted some new furniture... I thought she was getting much too personal as-if she was making friends with this girl (she wasn't trying to make friends; she was just interested in what motivates strippers I think...). And I really didn't like what I was hearing. I felt she didn't understand that the lines should not be blurred. These strippers were objects for sexual entertainment, it's better that you don't know them and "invest" in them as a person. It's better to see it as a business deal. My wife didn't understand what I did about this sort of thing.

Sure enough, as the night progressed, she became very insecure about this particular stripper. She didn't want me looking at her when she danced. She later worried that I was thinking about this girl when we were having sex which was absurd. She pointed out that I still remembered the stripper's name but HELLO, it's because she sat there and asked the girl 100 questions. I had zero interest in that stripper besides that she was a naked girl just like all the other strippers.

Anyway, I chalk that up to us putting ourselves in a bad situation to begin with. We should have not gone to a strip club. But it was clear that she didn't understand what I did which is that porn and real life need to be kept separate and the lines should not be blurred.

Wasp89,

I never said that you thought about the porn or other women while having sex with your wife. What I did say is that you probably fantisize while having sex with her. Pornography does pervert the mind, just because it didn't cause you to go out and have affairs does not mean that it didn't cause issues with you or your marriage.

You went to a SA meetings and saw the damage that it has caused some men. You yourself admit that it was "hard" to stop viewing it and that you'd slip up. Yet, you advocate and say, "go ahead and let your husband do this, it's not that bad". Do you see how ignorant that sounds?

I see what your saying. I do indeed fantacise while having sex but it's fantcies about my wife. I can not lie and say that my high sex drive has not created problems. You may be right.

Indeed, there was a mild quality of addition to the porn. I had viewed it for 5+ years when I was single. I guess the main thing I want to communicate is that women's fears regarding sex are unfounded in the area of liking the porn better than them or imagining porn while sleeping with them. Otherwise, I agree with you. It's still a toss up in my mind if it would be a terrible terrible thing if she gave the green light.

Wasp89,

I am glad that you responded in a positive manner in regards to my thoughts.

I do not mean to be harsh, but pornography -- just like any other drug -- affects different people in different ways. Tobacco, marijuana, cocaine, heroin, ecxtasy, and alcohol are all drugs (to name a few common ones). Some are more addictive and damaging than others. While some people can do them once and walk away and never be addicted, does not mean that the potential for them to cause major harm isn't there. Pornography is the same, it is a drug, and it has a huge potential to destroy lives.

I just hope that you will view it as such and handle it in the same breath as you would any drug that you (in your mind) have determined as harmful.