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#1521866 11/14/05 10:01 PM
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I will try to keep this short, about 9yrs ago I had an affair W found out, eventually I came back to work it out but nothing really got solved & in her mind I never really tried to make it up to her, like every problem we had it just wisent talked about, we never really learned to communicate & fix things. A while ago The W decided she was not in love with me any mare & started to have an affair with a friend & they supposedly fell in love & were talking about a life together. (He is married also) As crazy as it may seem I still Love the wife we have been together for 18 years, I wasn’t happy either & before the I found out about the affair I was trying to find a way to fix things but didn’t now how to go about it.

I found out about the affair about three weeks ago & gave them a choice they could continue the relationship & I would walk away get A d & leave them be but they had to tell his wife, it wasn’t fair to her. The other choice was for them to go there separate ways & the wife & I would see where things went from there; they chose the second option (he chose it I should say). The affair has ended I am convinced of that.

Here’s my problem the W says she will stay to try & work it out but is confused about her feelings. 1st the other man she fell in love with abandoned her, (she now knows it would have never worked) The husband she wrote off & thought did not lover her does, Which makes her feel worse for the affair, I have read some of the articles & in my option she is in the withdraw phase, I cant get her to counseling right now because of her state of mind & she is getting depressed. I have tried not to pressure her in way other than to show her that I care & still love her. I am not concerned about the affair just the reason it got to that. I know we can’t start really trying to put things back together until she moves on & stops feeling sorry for her I need some advice on getting to that point, I am giving everything emotionally right now & getting nothing in return. As my counselor stated just is the good news of her day, put your feelings temporally on hold & things will get better & she will come around to working on the marriage

Does any one have any thoughts or suggestions?
One other thing she has not told her family or anyone else about the affair & has no support except from me, I think she need some other support but she refuses the other thing that complicates thing is she started a new job today & has a lot of anxiety over that. Thanks in advance for your input.

Cliff in Ca

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Cliff,

go and print the FAQ on surviving an affair. Read them. Get your wife to read them. They are medicine for your soul right now.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was there just a few short weeks ago. Those FAQ's were like a lifeline from heaven. They will help you unbelievably.

Please, Please read and print them for your wife. They will bring healing.

Did I say print them yet?

And get His Needs, Her Needs and surviving an affair. Just do it.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
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Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
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I have read them, it still doesent make it any easier. As for her reading thim thats not going to happen right now I tried to show her an artical about affairs & she just about went of the deep end, its good advice but she is still in some denial & self pitty hopefully she will come around soon.

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Your W is probably still in the fog, rational thought about you and her and your relationship is a loooooong way off.

Look at the information in the context of helping yourself, not something you can jam down your W's throat.

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not trying to jam anything down her throat.

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I have read them, it still doesent make it any easier. As for her reading thim thats not going to happen right now I tried to show her an artical about affairs & she just about went of the deep end, its good advice but she is still in some denial & self pitty hopefully she will come around soon.

OK, but a lot of your frustration is because she is in withdrawal. I found that incredibly frustrating until I understood what she was going through. The FAQ's helped ME as much as they helped my Wife. Fortunately, my wife was open and did read them and they made an incredible difference to us both - not just her but BOTH of us. I was frustrated about her pity party and feeling sorry for herself. They really helped me see where she was at and not expect so much.

I'd like to quote Snowbelle here again...

"Withdrawal really puts us BS's over the edge. We want our WS automatically to disengage from the OP, turn their "love" to rabid hate for that person, and fall into our arms telling us how sorry they are and how they plan to make it up to us.

Save it for the soap operas. The fact is that your wife has nursed a whole life with this OP for some time (weeks or years, it really doesn't matter) and she has to grieve the loss of that crutch. She may truly want your marriage to survive while she still wants to be with her "soulmate" (yeah, the one who never calls HER). It takes time for the WS to cut the strings that bound them to the OP and see the relationship for what it truly was. Hang tough. It's hard on you now, but it will be even harder on her when the dawn starts to break through. Then she will really need you."

End Quote.

It's good advice.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
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Thanks bigkahuna, Im trying.

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Any other advice what methods have you used to get throught it & what do I do about my emotional needs? On top of all that I am getting worried about her in general she is starting to witdraw & seems to be getting depressed. I love her & will help in anyway I can even if it meens not being together.

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Any other advice what methods have you used to get throught it & what do I do about my emotional needs? On top of all that I am getting worried about her in general she is starting to witdraw & seems to be getting depressed. I love her & will help in anyway I can even if it meens not being together.

Sounds like standard withdrawal to me - I presume she has established NC with the OM? You will be in for maybe 6 weeks of this with the first 3-4 being the worst. She won't be in any mood to meet your EN's and won't allow you to meet hers until she is past the worst of withdrawal. Any nice stuff you do until that finishes is a waste of your time and energy. Hang in there.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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yea but the mood swings are killing me, one moment she likes what I am doing for her & the next day she complains that its too much, I would agree that she is in major withdrawal. her emotional state makes it really hard, Im just trying to get through this so I can see where we are heading, divorce or rebuilding. I just have to know that I did everything that I could, so I can move on with a clear mind.

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Seriously Cliff, there is NOTHING you can do now and I know the frustration you are feeling. You have to expect to feel the way you are now and your wife to feel the way she is. In a few short weeks you will be amazed. Hang Tough. Don't give up. You can make it through.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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So are you suggesting I just dont do anything?

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Im going back to the counselor today to ask some of these questions.

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I'm saying that nothing you do will make a difference at the moment. Just be loving and understanding and help her through withdrawal. But you will make very little long term difference - any efforts at depositing love units are wasted until she gets through withdrawal. This is stock standard "Coping with infidelity 101"


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
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The most comforting thing you can do...
...without expecting anything in return...
...is to Plan A your heart out.

Make sure she knows that you understand her hurt... her depression... and are willing to help her when she's ready for some professional help (I'd suggest MB counseling)

Put the focus on you in Plan A...
...i.e. what is it going to take to make to the best H you can be. When she sees that the things you do are the real you.. not just and act to get her to stay with you... she will come around.

Patience... Patience... and a little more Patience will go a long way.

Jim

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I am doing that as much as she will let me to help her through it. Her widrawal seems pretty severe & hasnt seemed to change much in four weeks. I know everyone is different, at what point should you draw the line & push a little, if at all & expect to see her turn the corner? In most cases it states it takes 3 weeks to 6 months Im not sure If I can handle things being like this for six months. Things wont be fixed over night I just would like to know they are heading in some sort of direction.I pretty much am doing everthing that is recomended & most of what I say is is venting my frustration so I dont take it out on her. I have a very long road ahead & am prepared for it to go either way.

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NSR thanks, I am doing what I can in plan A without her feeling pressured, she needs to get past the withdrawal first as BigKahuna said before any of it will do any good?

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Nsr, I do follow a lot of plan A right now, she has already established no contact so that part doesnt apply.


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