Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
#1524686 11/18/05 09:29 PM
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 8
A
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
A
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 8
I am in the Army and recently cheated on my wife. I was in a school when I was tempted by a woman that brought some qualities to me my wife did not have or possess anymore. I hid this woman from my wife for a month and when I deployed to Iraq she found out on her own about us.

She has forgiven me and wants to make the marriage work but I have not forgiven myself which makes my life a living (you know what). I feel bad for what I did but in someway wish my wife would have left me. I have been trying to get her to get a separation from me while I am gone but she will not. I recently told her best friend to introduce her to a guy so maybe my wife could find happiness elsewhere. We have both read His Needs Her Needs and found out that I have not been fulfilling her needs to standards. She says she knows I can fulfill them but just need to work on them. Honestly I do not know if I can. Well her friend is introducing her to a guy that is going through a similar situation as my wife. I want my wife to go out with this guy to see if he has better qualities then me or if he can make her happier. She did not like the idea but after much talking into, she has agreed to meet this guy. My wife asked me how far she could take it if she liked him, I told her all the way. If this guy is better for her then me I told her that I would let her be with him. Have I done the wrong thing and will I lose my wife to this guy - I just dont know, what have I done.

Little Background - married 4 yrs and have one son

Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808
Good grief, that is not a good idea. Your wife is willing to work on your relationship and you are having her fixed up with another man?

Is this your way of clearing her out of your life so you can have a relationship with another woman? Or do you think if she has a realtionship with this other man, it will appease your guilt?

You said you read His Needs Her Needs? I think you need to re-read it. I don't think anywhere in it there is a suggestion to fix your spouse up with someone else if you aren't meeting their needs.

Go post this same question on the General Questions II forum of this area. It is much busier than this one.

I'm not trying to be mean in this post, but man I think you need a wake up call. This is not a good thing. I am serious about posting in General Questions.

I am a FBS (Former Betrayed Spouse) If my husband had suggested that I go out with another man and take it as far as I wanted, I would have been even more devastated. Please rethink this idea.

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 948
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 948
Arbnlver76, Sorry, I have to dispense with the normal MB welcome, I am in shock here...

are you crazy? If you don't love her anymore, don't want the marriage, and refuse counseling, and don't care about your son being from a broken home JUST SAY SO and get a divorce. Why are you trying to make your BW do your dirty work?

Stand up and fix your family for your son's sake, and your own.

MSA


BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
N
NSR Offline
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
It's never too late to learn what marriage is all about.

You clearly have missed the point so far...
...so read up on all the concepts.

...and, in the interest of your son...
...start right away.

I don't mean to be blunt....
...but there is a time when we all have to grow up...
...and learn that love isn't a 'feeling'... IT'S A DECISION!

Feelings come and go...
A decision (from the heart) is to have and hold onto a commitment for life!

Jim

NSR #1524690 11/20/05 11:07 PM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
He would have to be trolling wouldn't he? I mean really.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,198
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,198
What in the world is wrong with you. You just piled a disfunctional situation on top of an already messed up one!!

You may say it's because you can't forgive yourself and want your wife to be happy but I promise you that the main message she is getting is that you don't give a flip about her enough to fight for it. What man that respects his wife and holds her as his treasure could be ok with her sleeping with another man? The thought of it should be driving you mad and be unbearable. Yet you act as-if it's no skin off your back. So if your intension really is for her well-being, you are communicating the opposite to her by setting her up on a date. If you want to communicate your sorrow, communicate how worthless and dirty you feel. Thank her for being soo forgiving and tell her that you don't feel you deserve it. That you don't know where to begin to forgive yourself. Tell her these thing. Tell her you understand if she leaves you. But for goodness sake don't set her up on a date with another man!!!

So let's address your inability to move past the affair. I would feel the same. I would feel like I wish I could pay badly for my mistake-- be tortured, kill myself over and over, castrate myself... I wouldn't want my wife to forgive me. She deserves better, etc etc. And maybe, like you, I would decided that my wife and I do need a divorce even if she's willing to forgive because I had done such a terrible thing that she shouldn't forgive me. But if that's really the mind-set, you should get the divorce in a loving spirit. Make yourself available for questions she may have. Don't date for 2 years out of respect for her. Be selfless and try to uplift her and respect her. Don't just dump her and turn her into a ****** and pimp out your wife on a date with some guy. Seriously!!! Be a man!!

Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 8
A
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
A
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 8
I thank everyone for posting their thoughts in here because I have been confused lately.

I have been considering divorce for awhile because I dont know if I can truly fulfill her needs to the standards she wants or needs. I know I can change and meet her needs but after a year or two will I still be doing those things or go back to my ways. In my mind I did not think I was not fulfilling her needs like she says I am.

I cheated because the female I cheated with gave me feelings that my wife use to for me. My wife changed since we have been married and does not do the things I enjoyed about her when we were dating. I dont want a divorce because of my son and I love my son with all my heart and being. I love my wife to but I have seriously damaged our relationship.

I want my wife to see this one guy because it seems like he is more like her and believes in the same ideas and beliefs she does. So maybe this guy can make her happier then I can. Am I wrong to want my wife to be happy if she can get it from someone else or should I just thank my lucky stars and forgive myself and hope to change for the better. I just believe since I am gone that she has the opportunity to explore her options and see if someone will be better for her or more compatible then me. I know my wife and my cheating is going to haunt our marriage because nobody ever thought I could do this. I just dont know, I am still going to let my wife meet this guy but am I setting myself up for failure or will she see that I am truly the man that can only make her happy.

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 948
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 948
Come on, that is gross. Why are you making your wife be an adultress? My FWH says you are trying to bring your BW down to your level, so you can hold it over her head for the rest of her life. I completely agree with him.

What if she gets pregnant with this man's baby, what if he's really nuts? If you think you're protecting her, then set her free and let her make her own choices.

It's downright abusive sounding, "I'm gonna fix her up", when she's vulnerable and the most hurt in her life, throw her in to the arms of another man. If this man is so great, why the he[l is he even participating in this bul]sh*t? He's obviously no moral saint, or real catch for your wife.

You need counseling, and you both need MC badly.

In the event you guys don't work it out, your wife doesn't need your help finding dates.

A lot of these words come from my FWH, who thought HE was bad wanting me to do his dirty work during the fog. You have brought that to a whole new level.

MSA


BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808
None of us thought our wayward spouses would be wayward- belive me, your situation is not unique.

Have you read on this site, or just posted? If you've read, you'll see that lots and lots of marriages come to this, but if the parties want to make it work and are willing to give it their best effort, it doesn't have to stay like this.

I agree with Mrs. Stowaway, get some counseling.

Think about this. Right now you are in turmoil because you cheated, right? So, you want your wife to go through the same ****** you are going through? Is that your plan to get her back for how she changed since you got married? Are you exactly the same as when you got married? I seriously doubt it.

You and your wife both need to read surviing an affair.
There is another e-book you can download as well. I think it is called after the affair. It is for the person who cheated. It is 10.00, but I think if you can't afford it she will let you download it for free. Maybe that would be an option for you since you are out of the country. Might be the easiest way to get a book. I think the site is aftertheaffair.net.


Have you asked your wife what she wants? From what you say above, I would guess she is willing to work through this with you.

Have her come here and read. Both of you read the articles, too.

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,975
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,975
Quote
are you crazy? If you don't love her anymore, don't want the marriage, and refuse counseling, and don't care about your son being from a broken home JUST SAY SO and get a divorce. Why are you trying to make your BW do your dirty work?


This whole situation is bazaar. My gut tells me that the above quote is 100% on the money.

Yes, your marriage can be saved.
Yes, Your BW can forgive you.
Yes, you can meet her needs and she yours.

The problem is that you don't really seem genuinely interested in or committed to working on the marriage. Newsflash! It is not some other guys job to make your wife happy. You signed on for that mission when you married her. So how about you complete the mission or die trying.

All marriages, to be successful and fulflling, require lots of work and dedication. The next one you happen into might be great for awhile, but without work and dedication, it too will grow stale and die.

What kind of soldier are you? When the going gets tough, you bail?


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

Recovered
WhoMe #1524696 11/21/05 01:00 PM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,198
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,198
I'm in the same boat as you about wanting to meet my wife's emotional needs but fearing in a big way that I don't have it at the core to satisfy her. For example, she wants pashionate romance, spontinaity, poems, creativity. That is not me. My other fear is that she will be forever unhappy-- that it's just her personality. That I will try and try but she'll always find something to complain about my efforts not being good enough.

Maybe you share that hopelessness and have surrendered emotionally that it's not going to work out.

But I have to be honest with you. It sounds to me like you are using your "inability" to meet her needs as the cop out. When in reality, maybe you're tired of her never seeming satisfied with who you are (accepting you for what you may not be). If so, at least be honest and say that's the reason instead of playing these games of "it's not you; it's me".

YOUR ARE MARRIED!! Why in the world does that not sink in for people!! I don't care if your wife changed. I don't care if Paris Hilton offered herself to you. It should be outside of your thoughts to cheat! But that's too late now as the damage is done.

You have to figure out for yourself if you can accept her forgiveness. If you want to be forgiven. If so, move forward. If not, move on but stop this disfunctional stuff of setting her up on a date.

Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,568
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,568
Smells like troll...

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,975
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,975
What is troll?


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

Recovered
WhoMe #1524699 11/22/05 08:43 PM
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 948
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 948
Someone who makes up stories and posts them just to get a reaction...

or in other words, someone who wastes the time of people here who are TRYING to help other people who are hurting by involving them in a fable for their own amusement. Kind of like calling 911 with a false alarm for kicks... you never know who didn't get help they needed because of diverted resources...


BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 8
A
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
A
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 8
For that person that thinks I am a troll - thanks for your help. You know I thought with me being where I am at over here in Iraq and nobody to vent to that I could post here and get some honest helpful information but some people here are just rude and worse then a chat room. I wanted to post here because I enjoyed reading the books and needed some advice. Like I said where I am at does not afford me to just let everyone know my feelings or get help with my problems.

I want to thank the people that actually put meaningful words in their posts and tried to help my situation not just bring me down. I just want my wife to be as happy as she can be. I feel awful for my actions and have been clouded by my actions ever since I was busted by her. For all those people that think I am "pimping" my wife out or using all those vulgar words, you are disgusting to even think that way. My wife has an opportunity to meet someone going through a similar ordeal as her and seems to be a similar person as she is. I want my wife to be 100% happy and not have to worry about her husband everytime he leaves or goes out. My wife is a woman of action and all my e-mails to her and phone calls do not mean as much as my actions. She wants me to prove myself when I get home (which I will) but it will be awhile till I get back.

I am sorry if I offended people and that is why I posted here to get some straight forward helpful information to get me out of my own self pity and clouded vision. I have been feeling sorry for myself because I do not think I am a good person anymore because I my actions. I have seen the error in my ways and will fix my wrong doings.

Again thanks to the posts that actually made sense and were informational, for the rest of you - thats not a good way to help someone that really needs it, like me.

I want to continue to post to try to become a better husband because I have never been through something this serious with my wife till now.

Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808
Well, let's see. You want your wife to hang out (date) a person of the opposite sex. That means that person will be meeting her needs. Hmm, that's your job.

If he starts meeting her needs, then there is every possiblity that an emotional affair (EA) will start. ESs often end up in PA (physical affair).

You are pretty miserable knowing what you did, right? If so, do you want her to feel like that on top of the misery that a BS (Betrayed spouse) feels anyway?
I certainly hope not.

Let me ask you this: do you want to stay married to your wife? Do you want to make your marriage stronger?

If so, call her right now. Tell her you do not want her to go out with this person. Tell her you are sorry that you even suggested it. Tell her you are sorry for the A. Tell her you want to make your marriiage into something you both will be happy with - that does not include anyone but the two of you.

Then get busy. You may not be there in person, but you can do a lot as to letting her know that you are genuinely sorry, that you love her. Use emails and letters to get to know one another again, to reconnect. Learn what she is about. Figure out what makes her tick. Take the emotional needs questions and study her responses. Work on changing that part of you that felt it was ok to go out side your marriage.

You may think we are awful for being shocked at your words. Many of us have been the betrayed spouse. We know the pain your wife is feeling.

Think about it this way. I am a BS. Regardless of validity, when I found out I felt that I was a failure as a wife. My husband had to choose someone else to meet his needs. If, upon finding out, he was encouraging me to go out with someone else, I would feel even worse. I would feel that since I decided to stay and work it out, I had made a mistake. I would feel like he was trying to fix me up with someone else- maybe to get me out of the picture so he continue his relationship with the OP.

Use your head and call your wife. Beg her not to go out with someone else. Humble yourself and beg her forgiveness.

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 948
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 948
arbnlver76,
I'm sure if you're sincere that anyone here is sorry for offending you. I hope you do realize that you trying to hook your wife up with another man (for friendship, or whatever support/counsel) is so opposite of MB principles that is why the shock, and we do get some people trolling around who think this is all funny, and your story just seemed extreme. Not too many spouses want to ENCOURAGE their beloved to cry on another man's shoulder!

You will find (I hope) that this is a great, supportive place to be, and if you've been lurking for a while you know that MelodyLane is one of the most direct, and yet caring and truth-telling MBers here... she wouldn't accuse you of trying to pimp out your wife if you hadn't said your wife could take it as far as she wanted with another man, and you were trying to set it up!

Around here, they call it giving someone 2x4's when they need to be severely corrected for EXTREME misjudgements....I would say that's what some of us were trying to administer.

I really really do wish you the best, and I hope you seriously reconsider the situation you are trying to put your wife in. I'm gonna post (repost) something from the recovery board, that may illuminate you on the emotional situation you are setting your wife up for if she DOES have so much in common with this other BS.

My best to you,
MSA


BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 948
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 948
arbnlver76, this may be helpful to you to serve as a warning about the situation it is likely your wife will find herself in if she spends time with this other BS. Hopefully it is helpful to other "Just Found Out" posters as well, trying to make some sense of how their formerly loving spouse could do this to them... this is from an internet website, don't know where...



Anatomy of Adultery
15 Steps of Unfaithfulness

How does adultery "happen?" People don't just decide one day to hop in bed and be unfaithful to their spouse. Adultery is the culminating act of a dozen or more tiny steps of unfaithfulness. Each step in itself does not seem that serious or much beyond the previous step. Satan draws a person into adultery one tiny step at a time. And he does this over time so that our conscience is gradually seared. This makes it easier to take "just one more step" thinking such a tiny step won't hurt us.

The following "15 steps" which analyze how adultery "happens" are based on scores of interviews, counseling, and correspondence with church folk who fell into unfaithfulness. Our question: "How did this happen... what were the tiny steps which led to this mess?" While the order varied from case to case, the following is the general progression which surfaced in most incidents. This is not some sort of theoretical list. These are the actual steps taken by scores of church people who wound up committing adultery and regretting it later. Some of these people sobbed deeply as they shared, hoping that their own pain and failure might save other marriages. This information comes to you at great expense.

This chapter doesn't have any preaching or analysis... that is left to you. Here we offer you cold word-for-word quotes. You and your Sunday School class can draw out the lessons. How did these lives get ruined? How does it start?


1. Sharing Common Interests.
"We just had so much in common, it was uncanny."

"She and I both enjoyed music, and we were attracted to each other."

"He was so spiritually-minded... I'd been looking for someone to share my spiritual struggles with."

"We both loved horses, and started riding together."

"We both shared a burden for the church and especially children's work."

"She was the first woman I'd ever met who liked the outdoors, even hunting and fishing -- I was fascinated!"


2. Mentally comparing with my mate.
"My husband wasn't interested much in spiritual things, but this man knew so much about the Bible."

"She was slim, attractive, and dressed sharp -- quite a difference from my wife who didn't take care of herself much at that time."

"She was so understanding and would listen to me and my hurts -- my wife was always so busy and rushed that we didn't have the time to talk.

"My husband just would never communicate -- he'd come home from work and just sit there watching TV. I finally gave up on him. Then this man came along who was worlds apart from my husband -- he was gentile, loved to talk, and would just share little things about his life with me."


3. Meeting emotional needs.
"He understood how I was feeling and offered me the empathy I was hungering for."

"She was there when I needed her."

"My ego was so starved for affirmation that I would have taken it from anyone -- I guess that's what started the whole thing."

"No one had ever really believed in me until he came along. He encouraged me, inspired me, and believed so deeply in what I could become."

"My wife was busy with the kids and not at all involved with my work. This girl admired me and treated me like I was really somebody. It felt so good."


4. Looking forward to being together.
"I used to dread going to work, but after we started our friendship, I would wake up thinking of how I would see him later that day... it seemed to make getting up easier."

"I would think of being with her the whole time I was driving to work."

"I found myself thinking of him as I got dressed each morning, wondering how he would like a certain outfit or perfume."

"I looked forward to choir practice every week because I knew he would be there."

"Every time I drove by her house I would think of her and how we'd see each other that Sunday."


5. Tinges of dishonesty with my mate.
"When my wife would ask if she was with the group I'd pretend I couldn't remember... right there I started building a wall between us."

"I would act like I was going to practice with our ensemble, but actually I was practicing a duet with him."

"Once my wife asked about her, but I denied everything, after all, we hadn't done anything wrong yet. Now I see that this was one of those exit points where I could have come clean and got off the road I was speeding down."

"Whenever we got together as couples I would act like I didn't care about him, and afterward I would even criticize him to my husband. I guess I was trying to hide my real feelings from my husband."


6. Flirting and teasing.
"I could tell from the way she looked at me. She would gaze directly into my eyes, then furtively glance down my body then back into my eyes again -- I knew then that she was interested in more than my friendship. But, I was so flattered by her interest that I couldn't escape."

"Then we started teasing each other, often with double-meaning kind of things. Sometimes we'd tease each other even when we were together as two couples. It seemed innocent enough at first, but more and more we knew it really did mean something to us."

"We would laugh and talk about how it seemed like we were "made for each other" so much. Then we'd tease each other about what kind of husband or wife the other one would have been if we'd married each other."

"He had those killer eyes. When he'd look at me in that "special way" I would just melt. It was hopeless fighting my urges -- he had me."


7. Talking about personal matters.
"We would talk about things -- not big things, just little things which he cared about, or I was worried about."

"We'd meet together for coffee before church and just talk together."

"I was having problems with my son and she seemed to understand the whole situation so much better than anyone else I talked with. I'd tell her about the most recent blow-up and she would understand so well. We just became really deep friends -- almost soul-mates. That's what's so weird about all this -- we never intended for it to go this far."

"I had lost my Dad just before we got to know each other and he had lost his mother a few years earlier. He seemed to understand exactly what I was going through and we would talk for hours about how each of us felt."

"I was so lonely since my husband died and hungry for someone to share life with. Then he began to call just because he cared. I loved hearing his caring voice at the other end of the line, even though I knew he was married."

"We spent so much time together at work that I swear she knew more about me than my wife ever did -- or even cared to know."


8. Minor yet arousing touch, squeeze, or hug.
"He never touched me for months. Then one night after working late, we were walking toward the door when he said 'You're so special, thanks for all you do..." then he turned and hugged me tenderly, just for a second. I loved how I felt for that moment so much that I began to replay it over and over again in my mind like a videotape. Now I know that I should have stopped it all right then. I never intended to ruin my family like this."

"She was always hanging around our house and was my wife's best friend. Often she would stay late to watch TV, even after my wife went to bed. She would sit beside me on the couch and I was drawn to her like the song says... like a moth to the flame."

"He would often pat me on the shoulder -- you know, in appreciation for a good job I'd done. But I knew it meant more than that."

"The first time she touched me was when we were doing registration together. We were sitting beside each other. I'd say something cute or funny and she would giggle, then under the table she'd squeeze the top of my leg with her hand. That was really exciting to me."

"Every time she shook hands with me at the door she seemed to linger, sort of holding my hand more than shaking it. No one else would notice, but I knew there was more to her touch than appeared to the eyes. She knew too."


9. Special notes or gifts.
"He would write these little encouraging notes and leave them in my desk, pocketbook, or taped to my computer. They didn't say anything which could be traced. If anyone found them they wouldn't suspect anything. But we both knew what was going on, we just didn't want to stop yet."

"I would sometimes call him and leave a short message on his answering machine. He would leave little notes in my Bible."

"He would buy me a little gift -- not that expensive, but it always showed he had taken extra thought to get exactly what I liked. Of course everyone else thought he was just being a good boss."

"She started leaving unsigned notes to me in my desk sharing her feelings for me. It scared me at first, because I thought someone would find one. But after a while I found myself looking forward to the next one, even though I knew the risk."


10. Inventing excuses to call or meet.
"I started figuring out ways I could drop off something at her house when her husband was gone. He and I knew each other and I would always return borrowed tools in the afternoon when I knew she'd be there alone."

"I would wait until the end of the workday then I'd call him just before closing time about something I'd made up as a 'business question' and we'd talk."

"The more entangled we got, the more I planned times where he and I could practice together. We started meeting more often."

"She started arranging her schedule so that her husband dropped her off at committee meetings. I would hang around and offer to take her home, acting with as much nonchalance as I could muster up."


11. Arranging secret meetings.
"By now we both were so far gone that we started meeting secretly at the mall parking lot. It know now how foolish this was, but I was driven by something other than good sense at that time."

"We started arranging to work evenings on the same nights, then we would leave early and meet each other in the dark parking lot."

"I started making sure he knew my travel schedule so we could attend the same conferences. We still weren't involved physically at that time, but there was such excitement and romance to it all... even the secrecy seemed to make it more exciting."

"She would sometimes call me just before lunch and we'd sneak through a drive-up together, and then spend the rest of my lunch hour talking quietly to each other."


12. Deceit and cover ups.
"Once we were meeting secretly I had to invent all kinds of stories about where I'd been to satisfy my wife. By now I had built a towering wall of dishonesty between us."

"Pretty soon my whole life was full of lies. I'd lie about where I was going, where I'd been, and who I'd been with. The more suspicious my husband got, the better liar I became. But he knew something was going on. It's hard to lie without people suspecting it."

"I joined several groups so that I would have an excuse to be away in the evenings."

"She would ask when I'd gotten off work. I'd simply lie about it, and she never knew what hit her. How can I ever regain her trust now?"

"We agreed that if anyone saw us driving around we would both tell the same story: that my car wouldn't start, he stopped to help, an we were going together to get a new fuse to replace the broken one he'd discovered."

"By now my whole life was a lie, so I began telling them regularly to cover up our little meetings."


13. Kissing and embracing.
"The whole thing seemed so exciting by now. I was such a fool. We were meeting secretly and both of us were fearful of being caught. But that only seemed to increase our common ground. When we'd meet, we would embrace as if we'd not been together for years -- like in the movies when someone comes home from the war."

"Once we started meeting secretly the end came fast. We kissed and hugged like two teenagers going parking for their first time."

"It just felt so good to be hugged and loved by somebody who really cared about me."


14. Petting and high indiscretion.
"At this point my glands took over. I forgot reason altogether and was willing to risk everything for more."

"It was like I was a teenager again -- going too far, then repenting and promising to do better; then just as quick I was hungrily seeking more sin."

"When my husband and I were dating we struggled with 'how far to go.' Well, here I was again struggling over the same issue. Friendship with this guy didn't seem so wrong. But now were we're going further than I ever intended. But, I felt curiously justified going exactly as far as I had with my husband when had been dating. In a way, I think some of my resentment against my husband's constant pressure on me started coming out. I'm not saying that it wasn't wrong. Just that I kind of felt justified."

"At about this time I began fooling myself into thinking I was heroic for not going "all the way." That's what I wanted to do. But by doing "everything but" I fooled myself into thinking I was successfully resisting temptation. What I didn't realize was that, not only was what I was doing wrong, but that eventually I would take the next step. It's just not possible to freeze a relationship -- you have to go ahead with it, or break it off totally."


15. Sexual intercourse.
"Soon I quit resisting and was swept into outright adultery."

"One thing led to another and finally we ended up in bed with each other."

"Though we never intended it to go that far, we eventually went all the way and had sex."

"One night we couldn't seem to stop ourselves (at least we didn't want to) so I completed my journey of unfaithfulness to my husband -- I had sex with this man."


BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,975
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,975
Quote
I want my wife to be 100% happy and not have to worry about her husband everytime he leaves or goes out.

I am not being judgemental when I tell you that your wife will not be capable of the security and happiness you desire for quite some time. You took that away from her by having an affair. She won't have it with you unless you earn it back, and she will also carry the insecurity into future relationships.

I can also tell you, that as a BS, if my FWH had suggested that I turn to someone else, i.e. another man, I would have assumed that it was not for my own good, but because he didn't love me or want me in his life anymore. It would have made me feel even worse.

If you love your wife and want to have a life and marriage with her, then tell her that and then back up the words with actions.

Your marriage can survive this, but it ain't going to be easy. But then, nothing worthwhile is.

Who


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

Recovered
WhoMe #1524705 11/23/05 12:24 PM
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,975
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,975
I forgot to say, stay safe in Iraq. From another member of the Army, thanks for serving.

Who


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

Recovered
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (2 invisible), 60 guests, and 51 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna, BootsJeans
71,736 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,804
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5