I agree with the others.

It's time to follow the old bromide:

Let Go and Let God.

wiftty,

Not sure what help professional counseling would be. I'm not struggling with my divorce, or feeling anger at my ex. And other than the bust size issue, which no professional counselor is going to truly talk me out of (though it's been a non-issue with BF because he's a leg man), I don't hate myself for who I am.

My issue is that we're all wired differently, and something that has always been an important thing to me is the desire to be with a partner, and more specifically, to be in a Christian marriage. I prayed for it for years and years prior to my divorce (we were neither one saved when married, supposedly we both were a few years into the marriage and I won't judge hearts, but his actions never showed it). The love, the physical affection, the spiritual leader, the trust, all that...never really had it. But I kept praying, right to the end.

So, now I'm DV, and I'm thinking "Okay, God is going to bring me to someone new, and THEY will be that Christian man I've prayed and prayed for."

BF came along...said the right stuff and for the most part, other than the sex issue, has done a fair job walking the walk. I had high hopes that maybe I'd found someone who could accept me for who I am, could at least deal with my daughter to an extent (she's a huge issue in a relationship and probably always will be, even when she's an adult), and who was everything I want on many levels.

Now we're pretty much done (yes, I called him...despite all you guys' advice...just to see if all was okay. It's not. He talked, but he's very tense. His statement last night was that he's working very hard to try not to feel like he's been "ambushed". I don't know how a couple can go on, once someone feels like they've been ambushed to this degree. And he's not coming over for the weekened, and is very hesitant about Thanksgiving day itself, though won't say for sure yet. So, he's weaning himself off me.)

I'm shaking, I'm sick, I can barely function. I have to work. I have to clean a house that is a pit because of not only my daughter, but also my son who is home on break but is working during the day and making messes at night. I'm supposed to be hosting a family thanksgiving tomorrow. I'm not ready. I'm sick! I'm not eating.

A huge part of it is the thought of giving up someone I love, when just a week ago things were awesome with him and I had no reason to believe it wasn't going all the way to marriage at some point.

But I realize I'm also filled with fear (and that is really making me angry because I can't let go and just trust God). I'm so afraid that A) he'll be gone and I lose the love and affection I've been receiving from him (affection, especially physical touch--even non-sexual, is a huge emotional need for me and one that often went unfulfilled in my marriage, leading to lots of frustration). B) I'll be back to dating--and trying to find someone who will accept me, my past, my daughter, my figure, and oh yeah....be willing to wait until marrige for sex.

I am now 40 years old. Statistically, this puts me at a disadvantage anyway. And the above things seem almost overwhelming.

GNP,

I do understand what you're saying. And I should have been praying long before now about my situation and I might not have been feeling this much pain.

You are a good man--you have your head on straight---and you're strong in your beliefs.

But I also understand oh so well the feelings that probably go through your head about how your path, while right, is leading to frustruation, loneliness and pain. That's totally my fear. It's almost overwhelming for me to think that the last time I may ever experience physical intimacy with someone I love may have been last Thursday night.

Friends are great, but they don't satisfy some of the needs that are very high on my list. And those needs come from my basic personality...needs for affection, communication, companionship, and honesty are huge for me. Some can come from friends--most, at least in the form I need them, can't.

I feel like my world has just crashed down on me. I am struggling to not be angry with God, for making this rule. And that's very dangerous. It's different when two people are in their teens or just entering their 20's and have never been in a long-term relationship before. They haven't had the life experiences, they haven't experienced the physical side yet. And while they still have urges, they've not been used to giving in to those urges over the course of an almost 20 year, long-term marriage. I think that makes a huge difference. Sort of an "if you don't know what you're missing, it's easier to say NO". Once you've been in that situation over and over, at least in my case, my mind takes off in a direction it's used to going in and that makes things very difficult. I know this is BF's issue as well. For many years, physical touch meant for both of us the start down the road to sex.

Drita,

I really appreciate your offer. I may have to take you up on it sometime. Tonight, I can't. I have to find a way to somehow pull off working my rear off after I survive my day at work, to get my house ready for Thanksgiving, and then to cook tomorrow morning and host for my family. I have no idea how that will happen. I have no idea how to explain to them that the guy they've heard so much about, the one who has made me so happy, isn't going to be there.

JE,

I'm trying... I'm not being very successful.

LL

Statements like these concern me, and cause me to side with wiftty on the professional help thing. You are so obsessed with "Mr. Awesome", and the need to have SOMEONE in your life, that you can't GET A GRIP. You called him last night, against all of our recommendations, so you can't even control your impulses better than that???? What are we here for? Do you appreciate and acknowledge anything in life other than the need to have a man?

Despite all of our good intentions and advice, of which NONE have you heeded, you need to be back on your A/D's, and need to seek some counseling.

No wonder he is running for the hills. You called him even though we all told you to let him be. He needed his space and you keep "bugging" him. I think not seeing him or talking/emailing to him for a while MIGHT help but at this point I highly doubt it. You need to find it within yourself to be happy with your inner being and not define yourself by this one man. I feel like we are in high school again.

YOU have caused YOUR grief by making the decision YOU made. So don't be mad or upset at him when he can't accept YOUR decision. Let him be. He has told you how "Michelle" broke his heart or whatever it was and now he's feeling like it's happening again. I can't say I blame the poor guy.

Sorry for sounding so harsh but hon you need a wake up call. Give this guy LOTS of room and get happy with yourself. You aren't seeing it because you are in the middle of it. But us standing on the outside looking in are seeing a much different picture than you are sweetie!

Hugs

Some people have thousands of reasons why they cannot do what they want to, when all they really need is one reason why they can.

LL,
This will be my last ditch effort, only because I feel for you... and, I'm starting to see a pattern here.
Girl, I have SO been where you are! You want to do the right thing, but get so caught up in your "dream" of finding that "perfect" man that you throw your beliefs and yourself out the window. The proverbial bathwater out with the baby...
I've not been around MB long, LL, but I've seen you come here when you are struggling, ask for help, then don't take it when it's offered. I'm offering again...I'll help you clean your house!
I really feel that you just need someone right now-a female (I am!) who is strong and can, if nothing else, just listen, but I can share with you how I came out of what you are in. I'm really concerned for you and how you are dealing with this, and if I can take some of your burden, I will. I don't have anything going on in the morning, and I can come over and help you for a few hours so you have a little less on your plate.
Hang on here...stay here at MB. These people obviously know you and care about you! Why would you stray from that?!
I'll come over, we will pray, and clean....last chance! And really, what do you have to lose? Dude! Most people would be all over this! And I'm a most excellent cleaner! You won't be sorry, I promise you!

Come clean my house!!!! LOL sorry for threadjacking I couldn't resist!!!

I knew someone would say something! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
I'm a single gal with no kids. My mom lives with me, but we are going to a friend's to celebrate in the afternoon...
I was thinking of going to the local "soup kithchen" to serve, but if I can help in some other way, I believe that's what I should do!
I figured it would be you, or one other gal on here that I teased about OCD...too funny! (I won't mention any names!)
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Drita, I may take you up on it. Give me time to think. It's hard for me to ask for help because I feel I then owe the other person, and right now I have nothing to give.

LL

Ah, but you didn't ask, did you?
I offered. I'm the same way...you would owe me nothing! Trust me! It would be my Thanksgiving gift. Don't think I wouldn't be getting anything out of it...It would make me feel good, and like I said, you could use a hand. You have my email... just let me know!

LL -

It's what we have all been trying to tell you. You had to call him, instead of giving him the space he was telling you he needed. He's feeling pushed and rushed into making decisions your way, NOW, instead of giving him the time to feel the pain he's feeling, process all of this, and come to terms with it all at his own speed.

Think of it this way. We all know how in an A situation, when a WS walks out to be with an OP, the WS gets impatient with a BS, telling them to just "get over it" and "move on". That's because the WS has had a lot longer time to process the changes in the relationship that have been going on, where all this is completely new to the BS, and the BS is still sort of in shock. The WS is way ahead of the BS in terms of assimilating all the information.

In a way, the two of you are in that kind of a situation. You've been thinking about this for quite a while. Even when you haven't been conciously thinking it, it's been simmering in the back of your mind. You've let a few hints drop to him here and there, but not enough that he really thought it was an issue. Generally, he's been able to brush it off as something that LL had pretty much "gotten over."

So this is something you've been struggling with for a long time, and had quite a while to deal with and cope with in your own mind. It's a bomb that's been dropped on him, and he's been dealing with it for a few days. And in that few days, he's had you contacting him several times a day, wanting to know if this means everything is over between the two of you. He hasn't even come close to processing how he feels yet, but every time he turns around, there you are, and he knows you want an answer.

And the thing is, he can't give you the answer you want yet - he hasn't had time to process everything enough to know how he really feels or how he can handle anything yet. But if he feels too pressured for an answer, eventually he will go ahead and give one. If he isn't ready to give an informed answer, then he'll give the only one he can give.... I can't do this.

Can you see that you may be making happen the very thing you are so afraid of just by worrying it to death so much?

And I DO understand completely where you are coming from on this. I am the kind of person you are - I HATE sitting and waiting. I want to DO something when there is a situation like this. But over time, and having screwed up a few situations of my own by not having patience, I have come to understand that sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to just wait. And I do understand how hard it is to wait when you are used to taking action and trying to fix things yourself.

But maybe that's what God wants you to learn here. Learning to trust Him means learning to let go of that control you feel you have to have over every situation. Accepting that you aren't in control - that He is, and that whatever happens it will work out for the best, because it will work out the way He knows is best for you.

People were shocked that I came through my divorce so well, and lost so little. But through the whole thing, that was the one thing I decided to do. I stopped, asked God what to do, and no matter how many people said "I wouldn't let him get away with that," or "I would sell his stuff," or whatever, I just waited, prayed, and did what I felt God was telling me was the right thing to do. And because of that, I did not jump the gun and get rid of things, sell things to pay for bills, etc. too soon, and ended up holding out long enough to get him to honor all of his obligations and came out of the divorce pretty much without losing anything. Most people I know said they don't understand how I could possibly have had the patience. I didn't want to have that patience - but I decided I needed to trust God.

So take a deep breath, calm down, and know that you CAN give up that need to try and control everything and put it in God's hands instead.

Drita - What a beautiful offer!!! Not much more to say than that!

LL - Do take her up on it. Not only will getting a little help ease things up on you, and when you're down the way you are right now, you need it, but the work goes a LOT faster when you have someone there to help, and it helps take other things off your mind when you have someone else around to interact with!

Thanks Osxgirl!
Yeah, LL, what she said!
Oh, and we don't have to talk at all either... you can just hand me a comet jar and I'll do what I can!
But we WILL pray. Right now I think you need to HEAR a prayer...

I'm with osxgirl. Much wisdom there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up a bit LL. This sounds like the biggest load of revisionist history crap since my ex told me she was never happy in our marriage <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. "Fair job"??? I thought he was "Mr. Perfect" and "Mr. Wonderful"?? Why are we now down to "fair"? And what do you mean "for the most part he walked the walk"??? Did he force you to have sex with him? Did you two NOT discuss it before having sex?? This "I had high hopes but am once again disappointed" is pure victim mentality, LL.

You have done a flawless job of driving him away, not with the discussion about maybe reconsidering the sex thing (which would have been fine and mature), but with the subsequent torrent of crying, e-mailing, and phone calls. Please, please take some responsibility for YOUR actions - I told you on page one of this thread that you have total control here - and I am afraid that how you chose to exercise that control was awful. That's not high school, that's middle school stuff.

Don't blame your BF for this, look in the mirror instead and ask yourself why you chose to do this. This has nothing to do with God, these were your actions. Why did you disregard every bit of advice you got here, and are now saying "I'm afraid I put the last nail in the coffin", as if it wasn't under your power to not do so? Why are you making it sound like the BF turned out to be a lesser man than you hoped?? Don't revise history, it's already been revised in this thread alone between page 1 and this one.


I think this is the reason to get some professional help, if for no other reason than to stop the train from wrecking any further.

Maybe it's just me, but I am thinking the next post we'll see is that you drove over to his place after all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

I hate to be harsh, but it is painful to see someone do so much damage so deliberately and so unnecessarily...

(((LL)))

AGG

AMEN!!!!

Wow...look at all the posts. Most were understanding of the struggle you are having. I totally agree with [color:"blue"] osxgirl [/color] , who said it perfectly. [color:"blue"] LL [/color] , you have a lot of people here who support you.

Osxgirl,

You're right...I know. I want an answer NOW and since he can't give me one, I'm assume it's "good-bye" and the more I assume, the worse I make it. I struggle with patience anyway, and when I'm scared or hurting, it's worse.

I have tried to back off some. I didn't keep him on the phone forever last night (NO, I shouldn't have called). I am not going to drive over tonight, if I have to give my keys to a neighbor to keep from it.

I haven't emailed him YET today. I may still, but at least he hasn't been bombarded with them this morning. I've actually been talking to one of my pastors. The bummer is that they are both going out of town for the weekend, so I'm basically on my own, though this one did give me his parents' number to call him there if things get too tough.

He was very understanding and non-judgemental, by the way. No, he agrees with me that it's wrong what I've been doing, and says he's very thankful that the Holy Spirit has spoken to me and that it means a lot where my Christianity is concerned. He even said maybe BF's feeling "ambushed" is a bit of the Holy Spirit speaking to him, too. (Not that he said BF will actually listen or that it will stop this relationship from ending). He said all the normal stuff about how if this relationship were put together by God, that we would be willing to work with God to bring it back into a proper setting, and that for a Christian, if they get into a relationship that is not begun on a solid biblical footing, that relationship is often doomed from the start.

His overall statement (which has been what GNP has been telling me, too): Put God and HIS will first, and all else will fall into place. If God wants me to be in a relationship, with this BF or another, he'll make it happen. If he doesn't, then he'll give me the grace to get past my strong needs for physical affection and male companionship.

Right now, as true as that sounds to my brain, my heart is having an almost impossible time accepting it. This hurts like H*LL!!

Drita,

You may regret your offer, but you will be receiving an email shortly. I need someone around, partly to help me clean because I'm just mentally and physically exhausted and don't know how I'll pull it off on my own. But I need female companionship, too. And you know the situation.

I told my pastor that someone I write to on my message board who I'd never met but who lives in my city was offering to help me tomorrow. He almost laughed out loud as he said, "Well if THAT isn't God throwing you a lifeline in a time of need! Take her up on it, LL!!"

AGG,

Yep, some dumb moves on my part pushing and calling. But there has been no crying! Our conversations on the phone, while very down and depressing for the most part, have been calm. I've felt like crying, but I've been so numb I can't.

As for my comment about doing a "fair" job...let me clarify:

He has been awesome right up to this point. If he had asked me to marry him, I'd have said "yes".

His Christian leadership isn't quite as strong as I'd hoped. We don't sit and pray or read the bible together. But have I asked to? NO! And we did start reading "Purpose Driven Life" just a couple weeks ago together, because I said I'd like to do something in the form of sort of a devotion, and so he bought me the book and said "lets read this".

We attend church together. He makes his kids go with us, whether they feel like it or not. We have had biblical discussions.

No, he's not a saint. He's fun. But I've seen zero red flags that made me think he was anything that would make me nervous in the Christian realm (or any other realm for that matter)....until this.

LL

So sad, LL…
This has nothing to do with neither God or His Rules, but with you, your (no)choices, and your fears you don’t want to FACE…


Maybe.
But you don't love yourself either. Or if you do, the way you are doing is wrong...
The same with for respect... for yourself and the others for you...


And because A and B, you rushed him to make decision to marry you.
You are not only now afraid, you WERE afraid of A & B before you started this in all!
(And as I said when first time posting to you on this tread.)
Don't you see?
THAT was and is the reason you did what you did, not because all of a sudden after 3 months you heard God's voice and recalled his rules.

LL, before you start calling things by their right name, I’m afraid you’d just continue to damage yourself and relationship that might bring you happiness…
(Hope you are not afraid of being happy too?)

Good for you, LL!!
Good move going and talking! I hope you found some peace in that!
I'll plan on tomorrow and look forward to your email.
See, I think God works in His mysterious ways too...
Hang in there...a little time will help. We'll keep ya so busy you won't have time to wallow!
See ya tomorrow! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />