D-Day was 3 weeks ago and with someone I thought was my friend!
H was working in another town close to home, but too far to make the daily drive. He could have stayed with his sister but instead stayed with our friends...the OW and her H.
My H is an avid outdoorsman, both Hunting and Fishing and it is about the most important thing in his life. He told me of it's importance to him when we first got together and I accepted it thinking he would still find time for us....wrong!
On Fri 3 weeks ago he went to help one of his guys at work, he had left a window open on the computer to one of his hunting forums....I saw the PM's between them and thought I was going to be ill!
You see he and the OW and her H are all hunters/fisherfolk and have known each other for a couple of years. They have hunted together and I never thought anything of it. I considered her a friend, and we have done things together.
I used to be active in these things, but a car accident followed by a leg amputation and some rare neurological problems (resulting in 18 surgeries in the past 3 years and I am not only housebound but in a wheelchair. I am so scarred physically and emotionally, but I don't think he realizes how badly I hurt, or how much I love him!) have made it impossible to do things with him such as hunt and fish.
I have expressed the want to go with him, and before the last 3 brain surgeries(I now have a shunt in my brain...3rd one, when will my hair grow back?) I thought we were okay. Boy was I wrong!
His basic idea of foreplay has been grabbing at me, you know pawing....it does little to put me in the mood. Also he lives in front of the computer and gets aggravated when I try to have a conversation with him when he is online. The computer is his life when he is home. I can have a house full of guests, and he sits online and completely ignores all, in his own little world. Extremely rude IMHO.
I have had many a talk with him about the computer taking precidence (sp?) over one on one conversation, only to get ignored or he gets annoyed. Even our kids have said things to me about this!
Whenever I bring it up, I get told that it is an excuse, and I have no idea what I am talking about, etc. and I don't know what else to say...and then the worst of it is...his explosive temper! And boy, it sends all the kids running to their rooms and afraid to make a stand with me...so I go it alone without anyone in my corner, or to back up what I have told him,it has made all of us fearful.
He has never struck me, and I don't think he will but the temper he has terrifies me and upsets our youngest son (he's 12)so much he goes into hiding.....
He says he loves me, but his heart belongs to her (makes no sense to me!) They have had both an EA and a PA. He begged me not to tell her spouse since he has a temper too and she is terrified of him and what he would do if he were to find out.
I have copies of everything, and H says I only have them because I want to get even and hurt her/him. Heck, I'm just trying to protect myself more than anything, just reading the things they said to each other turns my stomach!
I have set up MC and he's not thrilled about it, but will go...
I guess the biggest thing right now is will this pain lessen? How can someone hurt this badly and still live?
I have been journaling thru the past few weeks, and even before since I was diagnosed with depression over my physical well being and am on anti depressants too, but sleep is always elusive, and the nightmares are horendous!
MC won't start until the Monday after T-Day and I guess I am just needing to vent and to know I am not alone in this....
I have read EVERYTHING on this site,and now am ready to take charge of my life and then my marriage....I just need to know that there is some hope out there!
Thanks for letting me ramble and for taking the time to read this....it means more than any of you will ever know!
FromMySolitude

Forgot to say, been married for 15 years, together for 18. Second marriage for me first for him. Kids D 24 S 23 from 1st marriage, S 12 from this marriage. When we married I was 28 he was 22. Also he has had EA on the internet as well...2 that I know of, but I thought we had worked thru it...those were 6 and 7 years ago.
Thanks for listening!
FMS

Welcome but I'm sorry you find yourself here. The site is not as busy on the weekends. You might want to post in Geveral Questions II. It is much busier.

I'm so sorry for your situation. Please post over in general Questtions. They will give you the info you need to do to help stop the affair. Also, get the book Surviving an Affair. It is the best thing to read right now.

Others will be around to help you.

Hi FromMySolitude,

Yowser, what a difficult situation you find yourself in. Often I think some men don't know how to react well to adversity. They hide from it (in the computer) or seek distraction (with an OW).

If you are both clear on the love you share for each other.. then I believe there is always hope. This is an excellent place to find help, hope, solace, perspective and what you need most right now - humor!

On the plus side you have others that you love that you can shift your focus to - your grown up children and your 12 year old son for instance. My nana often told me it was wise to love but foolish to make it exclusive to one person. Best to love a number of people truly with heart and devotion. Problems with one relationship can be diluted by the joy in others.

I would suspect your husband would benefit from IC to deal with his struggles to cope with life right now. Explosive tempers are indicative to me of unresolved issues.

I think you need a joke or at the very least a story. I dated a wheelchair basketball player once in my teens. He had been a golden boy, three scholarships at university -football, wrestling and academic. After a big football game - he drank too much and crashed his bike. His passenger was killed - he broke his back. He was eighteen. He always told me he lost more than the use of his legs. He lost his arrogance, sense of entitlement and his ego. He gained a truer perspective on life, an appreciaton for its real moments. In a way, all this crushing difficulty in your life is a very real moment. It has the potential to make you stronger, better, with clearer vision on what is important to you. You are never defined by the challenges you face but by your reactions to them.

I couldn't come up with a joke just now... but I promise to make you laugh at some point.

You are in my prayers for a complete recovery on all fronts.

Cheers,

Paradise_Blue

And you will find them here :-), friends, that is.

I wonder if you might consider that the threat your H has relayed to you regarding the horror of the OW's H knowing is probably a common ploy to get you to be silent?

I certainly don't wish for any harm here, but in my case, I was told that my OW's H was violent and brutal. Furthest thing from the truth. And I wonder if I had been braver and not believed my H in telling me as your's has you, that my life might have been a bit different now.

We are here for you. Talk all you need.

Blessings,

Eibrab

Just to answer the question re the OWs H...he did time in Prison for what he did to ex-wife and her family....so I know the threat to her is real.
Part of me thinks, you get what you give, she did this she can live with the results, just stay out of my marriage. Then my other half says, you wouldn't wish that on anyone since your first marriage was this way and you got hurt too many times.
Therein lies my dilema....I mean parts of me care because this was my friend at one point. The dang thing is so confusing and the aspect of being divorced 2 times I won't go thru!
I am the one at this point who wants to save the marriage, because I can still see the good, even though WH can't see past the end of his nose! So I am very hopeful of the counseling.
I may do IC, but I don't think he will...have to see how the first few sessions go and if he seems willing.
Thanks for your replies, they mean a lot to me!
FMS

I think Paradise is so wise in her statement of hiding from adversity.

I wish I could offer you a hug - you certainly need it.

Please read, like I have, over alot of the old posts here. The FOG that folks talk about is so real and explains alot. There will more people here for you soon. Much more able to offer advice than I, but I will continue to check back if you need to "talk".

God Bless you.

Eibrab

FromMySolitude,

How are you doing? Any thoughts?

Wishing you well....

Cheers,

PB

Sorry I haven't replied. Started MC and have had two sessions to date. Last one was awful for me and I don't understand it at all.
The first session H said he wasn't sure what he felt for me, or if he even felt athything for me at all.We were given the assignment of spending one hour away, just the 2 of us, and to write down the 10 aspects we would like to see in our marriage. I went home and wrote mine down right away. I asked if he did his and he said no, then I asked about our going out together to be told, I have 2 weeks...
We never went out and he never wrote his aspects...during the second session when asked why? He said he didn't feel like doing it (either one) and said he'd go to counseling but that was it...no other involvement.
The counselor said that was okay.
I made a comment that I can't recall right now, and then the session turned to tearing me apart (at least that's how it felt!)
I am a shut in and have no way to get out and around. I mean that in the litteral sense! I have a brain disorder and am missing a leg so I don't drive....anyway...I was told that I had to find ways to make friends and get out. I told her I know that but the thing is...I want to spend time with my H! Well she said if I want to go to the ballet and he doesn't....that's fine! I got a bit upset because it seemed to go like he has his own life and doesn't have to interact with me at any level! I was shocked beyond belief!
isn't it normal for H and W to sacrafice every now and again just in an effort to be together? That is what I have been doing for years just so that I could get some of his time and attention. Is that wrong?
The counselor really made me feel that I was the one with the problem when he was the one that had the A! I came home in tears, and then we got into a fight...he said..."I knew this was going to happen....see I'm not the bad guy here and you wanted to hear that I was....etc."
I said "No, I just want to be with the man I love, and was made to feel like if I wasn't important enough for you to spend time with me then that was perfectly fine for you to shut me out....what the ****** are we doing in MC ...and if that is supposed to help, then what's in store for our next session?"
I ask the couselor if I could read my 10 aspects, since at this point I felt that they weighed heavily on what we were discussing, instead she said save it for next time.
I never felt more alone in my life, worse than D-Day, I feel as though I have been betrayed a second time and it hurts!
Am I just reacting to this in the wrong way?
All comments and opinions are welcome!
FMS