This one baffles me... My wife had 3 EA's and 1 PA, moved out to live her dream life, now broke up with her boyfriend and is very cold to me. It really ticks me off sometimes when I call for the kids and she acts so incredibly rude with me.

My theory is her "dream life" did not materialize so she needs to blame me. She lost all of her friends, her home, gets no alimony. She did get a huge cash settlement from me but she has done a pretty good job of spending it. I do happily pay for most of the kids expenses though - I just do not support her. I know it has to bother her that I kept our home which is gourgeous while she settled for a small home. I also make great money and she does not. Most of all, all of our friends rallied around me during the divorce and where totally disgusted with her and completely abandoned her.

So why do they turn it back on us? It boggles my mind! I mean when do they admit that they are the ones that cheated????

Boss.......wouldn't you be pissed off and mad at the world if this happened to you????? I know I sure would...

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Selfishness breeds jealousy. She had the A and now only has the 'hole'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

U on the other hand get the house, your respect, support and love of your family, even the $$.

She can't be anything but rude. LOL!!!


L.

You realise that it's all your fault, don't you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

My STBX left me for his OW, and that's my fault too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Not only has he re-written the history of our marriage so everything is 'my fault', he's also changed the circumstances of the end of it. He didn't 'leave' his wife and children, I 'threw him out'. He hasn't been refusing to pay me CS, I've 'refused to accept it'. My MIL very kindly invited myself and the kids to her place for Christmas. Because of this, I'm 'keeping the children from him' over Christmas, and so he 'might as well' go to Spain with OW and her parents for the holiday, as he's 'not allowed to see his own children'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I don't know how I can live with the guilt for all the horrible things I've done to poor STBX. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

My H once said to me, "I had no choice but to have an affair." That pretty much explains his anger. Wouldn't you be mad at the person who made you violate your integrity and trash your marriage?
Cherishing

You know, all of your answer's are great! But, I still don't understand how anyone can think running to another man, or choosing not to tell your spouse you are not happy, is going to solve a problem??? I do know she is an unhappy person in general now though... She changes jobs all the time and gets bored with everything she does or has - including me.

In retrospect, looking back, I came out really well in the settlement. Most of all, I have become so close to all of my friends which is really a blessing.

So many affairs start in a state of unhappiness – probably more so for women (for many men it’s just a state of hornyness). So rather than face and handle the issues in the present relationship alternative relief is sought elsewhere and in many cases ending in either reconciliation or divorce.

Just ending an affair is not true reconciliation. True reconciliation is creating a relationship where there is no need for finding relief outside the relationship. Affair-proofing it sort of. That requires handling the issues that led up to the betrayal. If this does not happen then I belief there is no “reconciliation”. It’s just a question of time when the old issues resurface in some way or another – often in a new affair. That’s why I think we have so many people here telling about their spouses second, third or umpteenth affair – the issues were not handled.

Since right and wrong is so clear-cut in affairs the WS wants to sweep the affair under the rug, and in order to get some sort of closure the BS readily agrees.

So…. Why is your WS so angry at you? She has not resolved the events that led to her choosing to have an affair. Since you are out of the relationship she probably never will resolve these issues.
It takes a strong person to acknowledge own mistakes. Mistakes like:
“I was wrong to have an affair – no matter what was happening in my marriage.”
“Although my H was neglectful/abusive/workaholic/insensitive I also share some blame.”
“My actions were selfish.”
“I could (and probably should have) worked out our problems.”

Bottom line: although you may have moved on your former wife still has her unresolved issues and is still reliving them - without the benefit of having her partner (you) to work through the issues.

She must demonize you in order to justify her affairs that led to the divorce. Its much easier to believe that you are the bad guy than herself.

The people in my life who've been most angry with me are the ones who have wronged me. It's an ugly side to human nature. They're more comfortable feeling angry than guilty.

I ask myself that same ? EVERY DAY...Why is WH angry at ME???? RIght now he may be justified at being angry - becoz I exposed him for the type of man he is and becoz rather than our M improve its WORSE.


He will say that I destroyed EVERYTHING..and he's right I did..but my actions were only a reaction to his A's. What did he expect???? I destroyed the fantasy life I was living in, and yet he continues jumping from one OP to another.

Truly, I don't think they are angry at us - I think they are just unhappy w/themselves and it's easier to blame and hate someone else than look in the mirror and accept any blame/accountabilty for THEIR actions. They are in complete and utter denial...It's easier for them to justify their actions when they can blame someone for it...

HUGS

This is probably the best answer so far. It is easier to point the finger at someone else so they can hope people will feel sorry for them and their guilt would be less.

My FWW tried this in the beginning of our recovery only to withdrawal her "pointing" and eventually accepted responsibility for her own actions. Though, it did take a lot of IC to get there.

This is SO true!!! After the first EA 10 years ago I changed how I treated her. I never treated her bad and was a good husband and father but I started treating her more like the love of my life and not just my friend. She got lots more hugs, lots more I love you, and most of all, I spent much more time with her.

The EA 5 years ago blind-sided me. Like her other one, it happened very quickly. But at that point, I knew I was treating her how she wanted to be treated because she always told me what a great husband I was (at least until the 2nd EA). By the way, she would not go to MC with me.

The 3rd EA? I knew it the minute it started. May 13th, 2004,10:00pm CST... That is when she started telling me about a man she just met at her new job. And it wasn't what she said, but how she said it - like a high school girl with a crush. Little did I know at that point, this one would cause our divorce.

What burns me is during these EA's, she tells me there is nobody else. But why did men always appear during these episodes? The men were:
1995 - Bob
2000 - Matt
2004 - Steve
2005 - A full blown affair with Ed after she moved out. Ed and her have since broken up.

I deserve sooo much better...

Keith

Keith,

It is very common. I'm with MelodyLane on this one. This is what I was told by a counselor and it applies to both sexes:

Many times, when a man's behavior makes no sense and he starts distancing himself from you emotionally and sexually, he is usually seeing or interested in another woman who he has made an emotional connection with. Just so you know, usually, one of the first signs that an affair has been going on, is that he tries to find fault with you in order to justify the affair in his mind. Anything he can find, he magnifies, because if he can prove that you are a terrible wife, then he can feel justified for doing what he is doing. Another more important sign is that he no longer wants to kiss passionately on the lips and no longer initiates making love because he feels guilty. Many times, when a man swears there is no other woman, he says that because it's not a physical affair at this point. But he doesn't realize that an "emotional" affair is just as bad because it cheats you out of the emotional connection the two of you should be having and ruins a marriage. Every couple argues, but if there is another woman who he can talk to, then he secretly thinks he'd be better off with her during those times and your arguments become more frequent and you stay distant longer and longer.