I recently sought out a personal counseling due to recent events in my life including both my wife and my own problems with infidelity. The odd thing about the counseling was that I was asked more questions about my wife and her behavior than my own. I was told that there is a possibility that my wife has a borderline personality disorder.

I am just curious if anyone here has been in a relationship with someone with BPD. If so maybe you could offer some advice or point me in the direction of some resorces that you found helpful. I was told by the couseler that if it wasnt for our daughter he would recomend that I get out of the relationship ASAP. I feel that would not be the best course of action. Thanks in advance!

My mother was a BPD, she was narcassistic. There are several different types. She had part of the characteristics of the others.

There is a wonderful website where you can get tons of info. It's www.bpdcentral.com. There is book titled "Stop Walking on Eggshells" that I also recommend. They will talk about it on the site. I was in a online support group for three years from the site.

What type of parent is your wife?? I'm asking because as the adult child of a BPD mother I suffered severely under her care. I would be very very cautious in how I proceed with this situation. As a matter of fact in my support group the slang term for a mother with Narcassistic BPD was "Nada" instead of Mama, short for Not a Mama.

BPD's rarely seek counseling because they feel that the problems are everyone elses. According to my therapist, medication is not extremely effective because the characteristics of this illness are so deeply ingrained in their personality. For years my mother took anti depressants and meds like Xanax and Ativan and they did not help her and I couldn't understand why! Even if they do seek therapy it takes years and years before they see any progress at all, again, according to my therapist.

In my experience, and the experiences of all the ladies that were in my support group- the dad in the marriage usually just finds a way to get along. They try to deflect the rages from themselves or walk around on eggshells trying to keep the nada happy. In other words, "Well, you know how your mom gets- lets not tell her about this" or
"Well, the kids didn't do their part" when she's screaming at him about not picking up the den. They will also come behind the mom and try to make ammends with the kids- but yet not to the moms face. As in "Daddys sorry he had to take mommys side but you know how mommy can get"

It's very hard to be in a relationship with someone who has BPD. I feel for you and I feel for your child. Please continue with your IC should you plan to stay in the marriage.

I feel like I ran on a bit but if you have more questions please post and I will try to answer according to my experience.

Coachswife, thanks for the information and advice. My therapist also recommended the same book as well as some others. I checked them out as well as the website you suggested. The therapist made a recommendation based on my answers to his questions. I came to the conclusion that my wife does not have BPD. I was very concerned at first because she does have a few of the symptoms. She actually sought out counseling on her own and will be seeing her doctor monthly as well as going to weekly group therapy for managing stress. Our marriage most likely will not last, but right now we are working on being friends so that we can be the best parents possible whether we are married or divorced. My wife is not a perfect parent, but she has done a great job with our daughter so far. My daughter just turned 2 years old, and due to me being military I have been deployed and away from homeport about 15 months of those 2 years. I think my wife’s mother may be BPD or bipolar and my wife may have learnt some of the behaviors from her. Like I said she is in counseling so if she does have some type of disorder I am sure her doctor will be able to identify it and hopefully help her. Thanks again for your reply!

Actually, what a child of a BPD can have is called "fleas".
Good Lord knows I struggle from having these.

I'm glad you don't think she has BPD!

JJace,

Although my W was never formally diagnosed w/ BPD, she demonstrated what my IC (who did some joint MC w/ us w/ W's IC) Borderline Control Strategies. He said that personality disorders aren't like physical conditions. It's possible to have symptoms w/o sufficient severity to warrant a formal diagnosis. Kinda like being a bit fluish, but not have the Flu.

However, after several of these joint sessions where W would sabotage the session just when it seemed we were making progress, she really started to go ballistic and my IC pulled me aside and advised me to separate immediately and get the h*ll out of there.

So, I can relate to what you are going through.

The good news is that we have made tremendous progress toward not only rebuilding R, but in individual healing as well. It HAS taken years and lots of IC for each of us.

I spent a lot of my early IC not dealing w/ A, but learning how to cope w/ her behavior and working on my own internal issues that caused me to actually support and encourage her behavior. At the same time, W was actually working on her own baggage. She reverts now and then, but I can handle it better when she does.

To back up a bit, for years prior to my A W would have nothing to do w/ IC or MC. My A was 'hitting bottom' for her and finding out about ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) offered hope. (If you want the whole sordid story look up some of my other posts.)

There were also a couple of other books that helped also: 'Emotional Blackmail' by Susan Forward and 'I Hate You, Don't Leave Me' by by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus.

Also, do a google search on both BPD and Emotional Blackmail. There are some sites that outline some of the coping strategies that I paid big $ to learn.

It's encouraging that your W is in IC, and I urge you to continue also. It may not seem like it now, but I can assure you first hand that Borderline behaviors can improve dramatically.

(All that said, my M is nowhere recovered from my A. I've been advised by the kind folks here that I can't add the "F" to my WH moniker just yet.)

I wish the best for you guys in the new year...