For example, he wanted to take our family down to Disney World when we take my son back to school. he said that because my son is a Senior in High School this could be our last real family trip. I at first said no that I would just rather stay at home, but finally agreed that would be OK. he is all excited about taking the kids but I am almost certain that there was some type of contact two days ago. He says that there is no money for MC but a trip to Disney is just fine? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Well, if there is an affair, MC probably won't help. How have you been doing with your Plan A? Have you avoided LB's, and done fairly well?

I keep hearing that but if Plan A is not working then plan b is only hope. My lawyer, however, does not think seperation is a wise move. I have done ok but he is such an emotional rollercoaster that is hard to maintain consistency. One minute he is being kind etc. the next he is miserable and nothing any of us do is right. So i feel like I am avoiding LB's but he would say differently because we can never do enough or get it right enough.

Well, Plan A usually doesn't work. But it is a necessity before Plan B. Do you think you can make 2 more months of Plan A'ing?

Why does your lawyer think you shouldn't seperate?

I didn't really get a good understanding. I think it is more for $ reasons than anything else. I will be meeting with him in a week so i will ask to get a better understanding. I am going to try to meet with OW BF before I meet with the lawyer. You know, believer, for some reaason this meeting has been the hardest thing for me to do. I even thought about letting the lawyer contact him but I know i need to meet with him myself.

The best thing is to talk with the guy and see what his input is. You might get more information. I have been lucky. The OW's husband and I are good friends now. We have been in regular contact for the last 3 years. It really helped with sorting out the infidels' lies.

I need advice! After seeing my lawyer he said a seperation was not in my best interest. It has to do with $ and other legal issues. I have paper work being drawn up and plan to sign it Friday. My husband knew i was going to the lawyer. i ask him to just agree to do something to try to work on our marriage or I would have to leave, he said then leave. After he found out that I kept the appointment with the attorney he said I should get my things and leave because he had someone else moving in. Of course I am not leaving. He, the next day threatens me saying he wants my credit cards. and will stop giving me money etc. I just try to let it go. He then ask why it is taking so long to get this done. I told him it just takes time and that it was very difficult for me. I told him it hurt to know there was someone else possibly even someone I know. He said that I could put my mind at ease. I did not know her she wqs from out of town. He said why do you think I am gone out of town so much, she meets me. He said you are so stupid. I told him no I am not stupid I just trusted you. My dad came down for a visit and tried to talk to him. He told my dad that i wanted the divorce and that I thought there was an affair but there is not. He blamed me but still made no indication that he was willing to work on anythig. He said that he says there is an affair because he thinks that is what I want to hear. WHAT? I don't know what to do.

I guess the question is, if my lawyer says seeperation is not a good option for me, plan A has failed then divorce is really my only option for moving forward?

My sister-in-law says that staying almost as a room-mate would be better than divorce. I just don't agree because he stays in a sinful situation and I just exist. How is this a good thing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

every day julie you go to this man and demand marriage counseling and want to talk about relationships....

and throw words at him like lawyers....

every day it is the same dance...time to change your step..

can't you see it...

whatcha been doing ain't working...
what do you think about mixing it up...changing your tune and your step...and getting his attention back..

otherwise you continue to feed right in to his justification and rationalization about you being the one to force him in to an affair cause you are just so oppressive and miserable ALL THE TIME...

time to change your tune

I want you take 100000000000000000000000% of the envirionment of that home...which for a long time has been locked in a powerstruggle where you scream tell me the truth...and he yells back with no...yet every day you scream the same question in your actions and treatment of him...

it is known and familiar to both of you...and you will continue on this path for months and months....

1. YOU NEED A SAFETY PLAN...you site abuse you say he is abusive....put your money where your mouth get to a shelter for information and resources...I am not telling you to leave to a shelter I am telling you to get yourself educated, and get a plan on what to do...support...etc...

2. YOU NEED TO QUIT ALL RELATIONSHIP TALK...AND I DO MEAN...ALL
he expects you to be whiney and muttly ...when will you go to counseling
when will you go to counseling....
he isn't listening...

time to say you will not ask that question ever ever again...
and committ to that your next request for counseling is either in only two acceptable ways...
1. in a plan B letter from you in which you have our permission to use the words counseling.
OR
2. he asks you to join him in counseling...

your only two available options for counseling...so remove the word from your vocabulary...and draw strength from each time you feeeeeel like saying and you don't...

you take responsibility for the environment in that home..
you fill that home with light and love and soft music...
you engage that home..
you smile at him when he comes home...(when was the last time you looked at him and smiled....)
you engage the children in warm activities and you draw him to you and them.....

you make a soft place for him to land...
you swallow your emotional turmiol because each emotional turmiol...turns him away and feeds in to you are unreasonable...quit being unreasonable in his eyes..

infact diffuse ALL his erroneous rationale for his affair...

in other words a true PLAN A..

is plan A manipulation.....
nope...it is breaking down the barriers YOU put up that hinder communication.....

is plan A doormattish...
perhaps...but as pep the smart once said..it should be like a welcome home matt..

when have you made it welcoming in your home for the chance of honest communication to even occur...

see you stand before him an emotional baskett case and scream at the top of your lungs with your current actions..

talk to me talk to me talk to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yet you do nothing to show him hope and promise that if he were to start to talk to you..that you would NOT slay him down...

plan A is ALL about opening up and keeping open lines of communication and when two people like you are so emmeshed and embroiled in the same dances of familiar blame and deflection.....there hasn't be any type of communication for a long long time....


time for you to bow out of the same old...
time for you to change.
inspite of A N Y T H I N G he is or isn't doing..

what other choice do you have...

really

what are your other options....

ARK

he he he <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
him him him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
blah blah blah..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

and I mean that...tired of hearing about him...

want to hear about YOU and YOU are dong to CHANGE YOU and the environment of your marriage...

he he he
him him him\
blah blah blah blah...\

quit focusing on him...
time to focus on YOU

ARK

I agree I need to work on me and I am excited and feel very encouraged that i don't have to focus on him. I have been to a womens shelter, not to stay but for information and it was one of the best things I have done. That was back in June and it truly made a difference and even eased my mind and helped me feel as If i had faced some of my fears etc. The counselor there was awesome.

After visiting the Sunshine Center the counselor advised that i leave him. Of course I did not and I can also say that there has only been one threat of violence since that time and without hesitation I called the police. It diffused quickly and I have not had another since then. That was the weekend of Thanksgiving. so I guess that is progress. I want a good home for my children. I will do whatever it takes.

I want to ask for your prayers as I have filed for divorce. I know many of you will disagree with the decision I have made but I felt it was what I must do. Ark is right for too long I have focused on the wrong issues. I need to work on myself and get IC. I, after reading Arks response to me realized that I can only be responsible for my decisions and actions. I felt it was best for me to file and remove myself from a very unhealthy relationship. Things are very difficult and stressful but God will sustain me.

I feel like I am just writing to myself as I rarely get a response lately. But it still helps. My sister-in-law just called me and said that my husband has agreed to counseling and has an appointment tomorrow at 4:00. I guess I should be really rejoicing but I will tell you I feel bitter that it took me actually filing for divorce and him being served the papers to get to this point. I know i should not feel this way. I am angry and frustrated and just want to scream. I allowed the relationship to get to this desperate place and I really don't know if I want to do what it takes to repair it.

Anyone there? Any words of wisdom?

I just told my kids that H had gotten the appointment for counseling. They asked me to please not just believe him that he needs to make changes before he comes back. We were out of town when the papers were served and will be seeing him tomorrow. He is still in the house as we have a hearing on Feb. 9 to decide about the house and support. I would really appreciate someone talking to me and giving me your advice.

Julieco,
I'm sorry for all the pain you've experienced that has gotten you to this point. I'm pretty much in the same boat w/you. Different circumstances but maybe same probable outcome.

Hang in there. God is going to guide you through whatever you have to go through. I'm really going to pray for you that you can have peace over the decision made. If it's God's will that you two stay together He'll allow things to work out. If not, you can move forward with the next phase of your life. That hurts me as much typing it as it does for you to read it.

I'm really hoping you can fix it before it goes too far.

God bless.

Is he going for individual counseling or is it going to be marriage counseling?

My husband is going for IC but ask that I go with him this morning. Of course I agreed and realized after sharing with the councelor that his story was very different than mine. Of course he had not told him of the abuse issues, affair etc. After I shared my story with the councelor he questioned my husband about the truth of what I had said. At first he had a sarcastic response but then admitted that it all was true.(Except the affair he did not mention that) That was really big. He is crying alot bringing flowers, etc. I guess I am hardened to it all because it has not effected me at all. In a way I feel guilty but in another way I think it is more progress than anything. This is very serious and will take a lot to repair. I just want him to move out so that we can try to pick up the pieces. It was nice to hear from you, believer! It has been awhile.