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Joined: Mar 2005
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DeeGee Offline OP
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I feel like a failure.

I've read the basic concepts, LB & HNHN and many posts. I'm trying to implement Plan A, but it's difficult.

Here's the background info. I'm 34 & divorced, she's 29 - never married. We're not married & been dating for about 2 years. We have a son together. We are both Christians. I'm committed to her, very much in love and want to be married to her. I want to provide for our "family" and care for her for the rest of my life. She enjoys being around me and we laugh together & have many similar interest. Some of her best memories was my care for her during pregnancy.

In the past she's told me that we are "spouses" but that she's just not ready to get married because we have a child together. I feel like we are married already but she says I'm not the one for her and has been insisting that we are now "broken up". After snooping around I found out that she's recently interested in another man from work. It's a classic affair. I don't think they've had sex but OM is romancing her. She says he's not a Christian and has trouble with that about him and what kind of relationship they could possibly have "unequally yoked".

I know that I've been neglecting her b/c I've been working on repairing my house (flooded by Katrina). I also have been making selfish demands and been critical. However, since reading LB she says my behavior has improved dramatically, but says it's too late and wants me to move out. (I've been staying/living on her couch). I am very attentive to her and meet many of her needs. She isn't willing to read any of Harley's stuff.

Just today she is out with OM. She took our baby along too. Before she left this morning she got mad & insisted that they are just friends and will be meeting another friend too. I tried to use logic with her about him and asked to go along too since there will be others there.

She said she's been trying to break up with me for a long time and that she can see whomever she wants. This is true, but it is also her excuse. SHe's told me that she wants an idea marriage and wants very badly to be married. She knows the benifits to having me there helping her and also the benefits of me there for our son. However, she feels like it's all for naught with me. The breakup was just before Thanksgiving; D-day was shortly thereafter. She met the OM in October and became interested toward the end of the month. The OM is 35 & never married.

I love her. I'm working on me to overcome LBs and meet her ENs.

I feel depressed and helpless though b/c she doesn't want to have anything to do with me or date me any longer. She says she needs space and wants me to move out. I'm trying to get my house livable again. Isn't giving her space the opposite of creating love by not allowing time together for affection, conversation, etc.?

What can I do to do Plan A before she gets too involved with OM - even thought she says he's not right for her? I don't want to drive her further away. I hust don't know how to do Plan A in a "dating" relationship. I have some ideas, but I really need advice. This feels just like a marriage for me where she's having an A or at least a EA. She's feeling some guilt but not nearly enough to stop the A. I've told her how much I love her, that I want to meet her needs, avoid being the cause of her unhappiness, and that I'm committed to her, our son, and us come ****** or "high water". She laughed at my play on words due to the major flood. I can always get her to laugh like this and smile. She's BENT on the idea that I'm not the right man though.

She says too late for trying to work on us. She says "if only you'd told me this sooner" when I tell her my plans to overcome LBs and not neglect her.

Please offer advice. How do I do Plan A? In the meantime I'll be looking over the PLan A & affair posts on this forum. Please pray for us.

Thanks.


Love never fails. Me 34 Divorced GF 29 Never married DS 1 What a treasure!
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Sheesh, what a complicated situation.

Is there a belief issue involved? You claim to be Christians, yet apparently have a son out of wedlock and live together. Is that perhaps it?

Or perhaps she really is exactly what she says. Not ready to settle down. Given that you aren't married, so there's no legal complications.

In any case, people in an affair (EA or PA) are in what is commonly referred to as "the fog". And rationality and logic have no place in the fog. Plus there's some pretty significant biochemistry at work

I personally don't know of too many options you have. The commitment level in "dating" isn't the same as being married. You may see it (as you refer) to being "married", and I'm sure the pain is similar, but she apparently doesn't. I would encourage you to read the plan A material and the plan B material and see what you can do.

As to the "giving her space" issue, it's not like you can "force" love. And if she doesn't want to be around you, and it's her house, then your options, while seemingly grossly unfair, are kind of stacked against you. One of these days you'll come home and the locks will be changed, and that will be that.

In the normal Plan A/B, the purpose is to *preserve* what love exists, while keeping the relationship from being damaged further. If you do things that annoy her (like hang around when she doesn't wasnt you there), don't kid yourself that you're "creating" love. You're in denial.

In short, keep in mind that you can only change yourself. Hopefully she'll want to join you on the ride. But you can't *force* her to change.

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It's good that you ask for us to pray for you...
...now how about you praying.

PUSH my friend.

During the affair...
...her mind is in a cloud...
...and all you can do is focus on improving you!

Pray that you change yourself(Plan A)... that is how to do the will of the Father.
...don't just pary that she changes...
...her changing can only come with the help of the Holy Spirit...
...your task is to be the best (and future) husband you can be)
...and right now... the best father, to your child, that you can be.

You bet I'm praying for you.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jim

Joined: Mar 2005
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Well, we are Christians. This entire area of the forum is about bad behavior of a spouse, their lover and sex outside of marriage. At least in my situation neither one of us we not hurting a spouse at the time of sex. That doesn't make it any more Christian for us, but we all make mistakes along the way. I feel sorry about my sin. It's how we overcome those mistakes and move forward that really matters.

We made a mistake and now have a son who is not a mistake. We don't "live together" by choice. My house was nearly destroyed by Hurricane Katrina and I needed a place to stay. As soon as FEMA brings the much awaited trailer I'll be back at my house.

GF is in the fog. Whenever we'd break up before the OM; we would be back together w/n a few days. I meet her needs pretty well, but two things play against me: 1. I don't meet them well enough due to neglect from trying to fix my house (late nights). 2. I had LB working against me and didn't know I was causing unhappiness.

Last night I got home at 9. I didn't ask her about her time w OM earlier that day. She was on her bed and complained about low back pain. I offered to rub it & to my surprise she let me. For the next hour she got a really good back massage. i then rubbed her feet with lotion and then her hands. She fell asleep. I turned out the lights and went to the couch.

This morning she woke my w/ our son (who always smiles and gets very excited to see me). I was holding him and she laid her head on my chest for a moment. She also casually touches me in passing. Lately, before today, she's not done that.

I tell you, it's those LBs that ruin it for me - like yesterday when I was imposing my view that she's doing a bad thing by hanging out with quesionable friends. On the other hand she genuinely enjoys my help and care for me to be here doing things for her. She's afraid of an uncertain future with me because of LB returning. She states that people cannot change who they are.

I noticed she emailed OM this morning before I woke up, but she'll lay her head on my chest? What gives? The fog I suppose.

How can I get her to not contact the OM? I guess that's the big Q of the forum.

I'll post more as this plays out. This feels good to express all this and have others express concern and offer prayers. I do pray - both by myself and with GF. Sometimes she appreciates it sometimes not. We are trying to do the "right" thing.


Love never fails. Me 34 Divorced GF 29 Never married DS 1 What a treasure!
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I feel depressed.

I ask myself “What have I done?” And now I’m beating myself up that I didn’t act or realize soon enough that there was neglecting behavior on my part where I unknowingly pushed her away. Horrors! Well I know KNOW what I’ve been doing and the neglect is over. I HATE that I’ve done this to us. It’s mostly my fault for this two pronged fork - for loving and caring for her, yet not protecting her from my selfishness that caused her unhappiness. Horrors! I’m sorry for doing this to us. I realize my folly and I want to NEVER hurt her again from my neglecting behavior. I can clearly see the error in not exploring or correcting my “problems” that were never addressed from my divorce. And now the beautiful future we both desired and dreamed of having together is in a crossroads due to another tempting her to quit us through making her feel happy. Making her happy was MY greatest pleasure in everyway I cared for her.

I believe in this Harley stuff. I believe in it so much that I believe it could have saved my marriage. Horrors again at my neglect in failing to protect my ex-wife from my happiness robbing lack of empathy in understanding and appreciating her feelings. And now it’s happening again right before my eyes – HORRORS!

Enough is enough on this self defeating miserable “merry”-go-round that causes those that are precious to me to be unhappy with me. I cannot, I will not continue these bad habits that hurt her or ignore her feelings. She alone is my heart’s desire, my one true love. I am but a single moth passionately caressing the intense flame of her being.

I feel horrible like my head is going to explode. I can only imagine how & what she must be feeling and thinking. Her needs are being met by two men and while she feel badly for me, it's not enought to break her addiction from the OM.

This sucks.


Love never fails. Me 34 Divorced GF 29 Never married DS 1 What a treasure!
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I worte her a handwritten letter apologizing for my neglect and lack of protection this morning and left it on the seat of her car. It also told her my willingness to meet all her needs and learn the ones the OM is meeting that I've been missing.

I dropped by her office to give her a package & with her for a few minutes. She fixed my wind blown & wet hair as we talked. She said the note was very sweet and that she'd think about those things. We talked for a while. She looked like she was about to cry and went back inside.

I also prayed with her last night; a short prayer for clarity in our thoughts.

I know the OM would never pray with her; he'a an athiest. That is an important need in her life too that I can meet.

Please pray a short prayer for us if you read this post. Thank you.


Love never fails. Me 34 Divorced GF 29 Never married DS 1 What a treasure!
DeeGee #1534091 01/25/06 05:30 PM
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Well on Dec 13th she agreed to leave the OM and try us 1 last time. All was well but the NC was hard for her as to be expected & she made a few calls & emails. We were doing gret though and even went on a ski trip in early Jan for a few days. After we got back on the Monday the 9th she had NC until Saturday when his/our coworkers sat across from us at a work event dinner and he sat there too with us. Talk about awrkward! So the NC ended that weekend and on the 17th they resumed full conversation at work and behind my back. On the 20th I went to her office and saw her email account was full of his emails. I LB and was angry w/ her for lying to me. She got mad back and decided to breakup then and there. After work she hung out with him for a couple of hours.

The weekend passes and she still calls me but when he beeps in she gets off the phone with me by saying some excuse. We had to take our son to the dr on Tues and while there we laughed together. Whenever I see her or we talk I try to lighten the mood and make her laugh.

The OM has no responsibilities and can go do things on a whim, i.e. have fun dy doing whatever GF wants to do. They are both in the giving stage. i just wonder how long OM will want to be around b/c GF has responsibility since the baby is with her most all of the time and it's hard to get a baby sitter. But perhaps the OM wants responsibility and admires that in my GF...hmm. He's 35 never married, makes much less $ than GF and a whole lot less than me, never owned a house and currently lives with his dad and he's an atheist. I don't see how this will last b/c he cannot meet many of her EN, but she says he's fun and an intellectual.

I'm backing off my pursuit of her but whenever we're around each other I do Plan A. She complimented me today that I looked good. I know she's somewhat torn between us, but she's still addicted to the OM.

Any advice?
How long would you guess this lasts?

Please say a prayer for her / us.

Thanks,
D


Love never fails. Me 34 Divorced GF 29 Never married DS 1 What a treasure!
DeeGee #1534092 01/28/06 10:41 PM
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Given that you are NOT married, I think backing off is a good idea. Here is my thinking. Because you are not married you are free to leave the relationship just as she is. There are no legalities involved. I would be kind to her when you have to deal with her, but I would make myself scarce any other time, especially on weekends and such.

If she asks, you could say that she has made it abundantly clear that you are NOT desired by her so you are removing yourself from the drama. You will NOT play the game of having another man in your life with her. It is her call, AND it is your call. And then be quiet.

Those are my thoughts on the matter. You can plan A but it sounds as if you have done that, and contact has remained. Time really for plan B, and I really think that is what you need to do, with specified times to see and be with your child.

Think about this and let us know what you see.

God Bless,

JL

Just Learning #1534093 01/30/06 11:52 AM
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Right, we are both free to come and go. It breaks my heart that she's choosing to go so easily because we aren't married.

I'm doing a good job at being kind to her and no LB or DJ. She says our problem is that she does not love me and w/o love there is no chance for us to be successful. That's her current vision of the future - no hope of love for me b/c she feels like she's never loved me. She said that if she loved me then that would be enough reason for her to want to marry me and not just out of guilt for our son.

Today she called me asking if I wanted to have legal court order for visitation. We have been doing well without a court order. Should I go along with this in light of the fact I'm trying to win her back?

Aaaaargh, this is getting more complicated.

Anyone else think it's time for plan B? Or should I keep up the plan A? I know that if I invite her back it pushes her further away so I don't do that. But I am letting her see on her own that I have a home available for her and our son.


Love never fails. Me 34 Divorced GF 29 Never married DS 1 What a treasure!

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