I have lurked here of and on for several months but this is my first posting. I wonder if anyone here can give me some advice since my circumstances are somewhat different than any I have read here. I can see that you are all warm and caring people with knowledge of relationships that most people never have to deal with.
My story is briefly as follows. I discovered, after Christmas last year, that my youngest (27-year-old) son is the result of a long-term affair that my W (of 37 years) carried on until the death of her MM 7 years ago. We are working very hard on our marriage and are making excellent progress with our relationship and feel that we will make the rest of our journey through this life together. Yes, I still have some unresolved issues myself but I feel that I can overcome them with time, help from my W, and counseling.

Our problem is in our relationship with our sons. They were both present at the insistence of the hospital psychiatrist since I was possibly suicidal when I found out and he would not allow me to be alone for the confrontation with their mother. There was another short term A with another MM which, when exposed, brought out the whole truth of her past. Knowing what I know now, I probably would not have involved them at all, but under the circumstances at the time I felt I had no choice. We both love them very deeply and are committed to trying to re-establish some semblance of a family unit again although we know it will never be the same as it was before. The boys have maintained contact and shown love and support for me throughout this ordeal but they have excluded their mother even though I have assured them that we are going to remain together and we love each other. Both sons are married which adds some complications with in-laws. The oldest son refuses to talk about anything with her. He feels that he doesn’t want to be hurt again and we don’t know how to counter that argument. It seems to be a trust issue that he cannot face. The youngest son feels betrayed by her, but he has at least met with her to talk about it. Neither will agree to see a therapist even though we have agreed to pay for the sessions.
I know time will help but I also know that I am not getting any younger and I want to enjoy as much of my life as I have left without this dark cloud hanging over me.
Does anyone have any suggestions?

Pregnant with a Lover's Child #1
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What to Do When You (or Your Spouse) Becomes
Pregnant with a Lover's Child
Letter #1

Introduction: Infidelity has tragic consequences. Not only does unfaithfulness itself cause untold emotional suffering for a victimized spouse, but affairs create a host of other problems, too. One example of these problems is venereal disease -- when an unfaithful spouse is infected, which is often the case, the disease is usually passed on to the unsuspecting marriage partner. Another example is our topic for this Q&A column -- pregnancy with a lover's child.

I have counseled and received letters from many women who became pregnant by their lovers, had the child, reconciled with their husbands and raised the child with the husband thinking it was his. I know about 20 children who live in my area who think they know who their fathers are, but they are wrong. What is written on their birth certificates is false information provided by their mothers to cover the result of an affair. In one case, the genetic characteristics of the child are so different than those of either the mother or her husband, that it's amazing that the husband has never suspected anything. He looks just like his real father.

I have also counseled and received letters from men who are devastated when they discover that their wives are pregnant with someone else's child, or discover after the child is born, that it is not his. And I have counseled and received letters from the lovers, who know the child is their's and are tormented by a desire to become involved in their child's life as it is growing up.

Pregnancies are very common in affairs. The passion of an affair makes birth control less effective, and it's often never even used. And birth control is not all that effective even when it is used. I know of a couple that faithfully used two forms of birth control whenever they made love, and yet had five unplanned children.

Most women who become pregnant from an affair have an abortion as soon as the pregnancy is discovered. But there are many who simply cannot let their child die that way. For these, they are faced with very difficult choices.

This column will consider the choices these women face, and what I recommend. Their husbands also have hard choices to make, and my advice is for them as well.

Every person who has e-mailed me letters describing this problem has asked me not to post their letters because they regard the information as being too sensitive to risk disclosure. So I have decided to create two letters from my experience with this problem -- one from a woman who gave birth to a lover's child, and one from her husband. They are both entirely fictional. But they are good representations of the letters I receive.




Dear Dr. Harley,
I am 35, my husband is 37 and we have been married 12 years. We have three children, 9, 7 and 2. I love my husband, and don't want my marriage to end. But I am afraid that once he knows the truth, it will be all over for us.

Five years ago I had an affair. I never wanted to marry the man, but he brought some happiness into my life, and I needed him at that time. Unfortunately, I became pregnant with his child. I knew it was his, and so did he, because I had not had sex with my husband around the time the child was conceived, and my lover and I had sex quite often. Since my husband didn't keep track of our lovemaking, he was none the wiser.

My girl is now 2, and my affair is completely over. But my former lover knows that the girl is his, and is threatening to tell my husband so that he can become a part of her life.

My question is, should I tell my husband about the father of our little girl, or should I pray that my ex-lover just keeps quiet about it? I'm in a panic, so give me your answer as soon as possible.

R.G.



Dear R.G.,
I encourage couples to follow two policies that are essential to a good marriage: The Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty. Without them, your marriage really doesn't have much hope for success. When you had your affair, you violated both of these rules. You were not honest about your affair, and it was something you did at his expense. You were both dishonest and thoughtless.

In spite of the fact that your marriage has not been guided by these rules up to this point, there's no time like the present to make an important mid-course correction. If you were to start following these guidelines now, your marriage would have a much greater chance for success.

You are backed up against a wall, and may be forced to be honest with your husband because of your lover's threats. But it may turn out to be the best thing that could have happened to you, because without his pressure, you may never have considered honesty as a realistic choice. As it turns out, it is what you should have done, even without risk of discovery. You should have told your husband who the real father was as soon as you were pregnant.

Let me review with you the Policy of Radical Honesty: Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know; your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future.

This policy encourages you to keep nothing from your husband, not even the fact that you had an affair and that your daughter is not his.

If you had been guided by this rule from the time you were first married, none of this would have ever happened to you. Honesty would have protected you from the affair, since you would have told your husband about your feelings toward your lover early in the relationship. And your honesty would have set into motion a plan to avoid the affair. But it's not too late to be honest. You have years of marriage ahead of you, and the rest of your years together should be guided by truth, not lies.

I'm sure that your reluctance to be honest is due to your uncertainty regarding your husband's reaction. He may choose to divorce you, or at least hold it against you for the rest of your life. You may think that honesty will open a can of worms that once freed will invade your life and ruin it.

Once he knows the truth, will your husband remain married to you, or will he divorce you? What will he do in response to such a painful revelation? Those are just the first of many questions that have yet to be answered. There are many others: Should you tell your daughter who her real father is? Should he have visitation rights? Should he be asked to help support her?

There are no simple answers to any of these questions, but the Policy of Joint Agreement, the second rule that should have guided your marriage, gives you direction regarding the answers. According to the Policy of Joint Agreement, you and your husband should answer each of them in a way that takes each other's feelings into account. If one of you is not enthusiastic about one answer, consider others until you can agree.

Even the question of divorce should be decided together. I understand how unrealistic that may sound, but it's what the Policy of Joint Agreement guides you to do. You should not be divorced unless you are both enthusiastic about doing so. In fact, all of your husband's decisions following your disclosure should wait until you are both in agreement.

But what if he doesn't want to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, you may ask. What if he just goes ahead and divorces me? Quite frankly, even though it may not be what you want, or what I would advise, I think your husband has a right to divorce you. And in some cases I've witnessed, when a wife revealed infidelity, her husband has done just that -- he divorced her. It doesn't happen very often, but it happens.

What is the alternative to truth? It's a marriage based on deceit. Do you want that kind of a marriage where you will always have the threat of disclosure hanging over you, where your husband might leave you if he knew the truth? Or, do you want a marriage where you have nothing to hide, and you and your husband are open and honest with each other?

If you decide to tell your husband the truth, and if he would like some guidance as to what to do next, suggest that he e-mail me his questions just as you did. I would be happy to offer him some direction.

Pregnant with a Lover's Child #2
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What to Do When You (or Your Spouse) Becomes
Pregnant with a Lover's Child
Letter #2

Dear Dr. Harley,
This afternoon my wife, Robin, gave me the most shocking revelation of my life. And she said she did it on your advice. So I am writing you for help. How should I handle this?

She told me that she had been unfaithful to me for about 3 years, and my 2 year old daughter is not mine. It is the daughter of her lover. I am devastated.

Robin has been the love of my life throughout our 12 year marriage, but has been very withdrawn from me these past five years. I did not understand what was happening to our marriage, but now I know. She says she broke off the relationship with him shortly after she became pregnant, and she wants us to work things out with me. But I don't sense any real remorse on her part. After she told me these horrifying details, she just walked out of the room. I need some reassurance that she really loves me and wants to be married to me.

I also need some advice regarding what we should eventually tell our daughter, and whether I should ever let her father see her. What are the chances that we can work this out? Please help!

M.G.



Dear M.G.,
It will take a few weeks for all of this to settle in, and during that time, your emotions will take you on a roller-coaster. I recommend that you see your doctor as soon as possible and tell him about your crisis. He may be willing to prescribe an anti-depressant medication for you to help you cope with the shock of these revelations. You need to be as intelligent as possible, and this is no time to let your emotions make decisions for you.

There are two rules that guide marriages to safety and enjoyment. They are the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement. The Rule of Honesty is radical. It requires couples to be completely honest with each other, and your wife has taken the first step in applying that rule to her marriage with you -- she has chosen to be honest with you about the affair and the paternity of her daughter. It may be the first time since you have been married that she has made herself so vulnerable. Use this information wisely, and don't hurt her, even though she has hurt you deeply. You have a very good chance of making the best of what could be a tragic situation. You can create a marriage that will not only survive this, but thrive.

But honesty takes you only so far in marriage. While it helps get the facts out on the table, you must make wise decisions once the facts are known. That's why the Policy of Joint Agreement is as important as honesty. I feel that a decision agreed upon enthusiastically by you and your wife is more likely to be wise than any decision that one of you finds troublesome. So as you and Robin wrestle with these difficult problems, don't make any decision until you have considered enough alternatives to find one that meets with your enthusiastic agreement.

The first decision you will face is whether or not to continue being married at all. Your wife's affair is bad enough, but now you are faced with the prospect of raising someone else's child. It may sound strange for you to apply the Policy of Joint Agreement to the issue of whether or not to be married. You may think that it is for you and you alone to decide. But you are not divorced yet, and your wife has valuable wisdom to inject into your thinking. Her perspective may contain some of the most important information you will need to help you make an enthusiastic decision, so don't ignore it.

You are wondering if Robin really loves you and wants to be married to you? And you wonder why she doesn't seem to feel any remorse? Those questions would be answered as you discuss your future together in an effort to find enthusiastic agreement. Once you reach a joint agreement, you will understand her in a way that you never have in the past. That's the way enthusiastic agreement works. It's only possible when you understand each other.

There are many important issues to consider in deciding your future together. If your daughter were your only child, and if your wife were still in love with her ex-lover, who happened to be single and wanted to marry her, I would lean toward encouraging you to divorce. But since she is the mother of your two children, no longer loves her ex-lover, and wants to save her marriage, I would encourage you to remain married and raise all three children together.

There are many considerations that tug at a decision to marry or divorce, and as you discuss them with your wife you will probably find a clear answer that gains your mutual and enthusiastic agreement.

If you decide to remain married and create a mutually enjoyable future together, then the next decision you will need to make is how to treat Robin's former lover. Should he become a part of your family, with visitation rights as well as financial responsibility for raising his daughter? Or should he be out of your lives entirely?

As with the issue of divorce, this one should also be decided by enthusiastic agreement. But if you want my advice, I usually encourage a couple in your situation to keep the ex-lover away from your family. It may be difficult to engineer, but it is very important for Robin to try to avoid seeing or talking to him ever again. Granted, the affair may be over, but I am always concerned about the possibility of it becoming rekindled. If, for some reason, it is impossible to keep him away from his daughter, I suggest that you act as an intermediary, so that whenever he visits, he does not see or talk to Robin.

Another very difficult issue is whether or not to tell your daughter who her real father is. Again, I suggest that you reach an enthusiastic agreement before you make a decision. The Policy of Radical Honesty applies only to a husband and wife, and not necessarily to children. While I tend to value honesty in all situations, if you and Robin can enthusiastically agree to deceive your child about her real father, it's up to you.

But if you want my advice, I would encourage you to be honest with Robin's daughter very early in life, so that there are no surprises later. I think it's more important for her to know she can trust what you say, than that she thinks you are her real father. Eventually, she is likely to know the truth anyway, and if she was consistently told that she was your daughter, the truth might undermine her trust of you. Regardless of who her genetic father may be, you will be the father that cares for her most for the rest of her life, and she will know that about you as you raise her into adulthood.

Once you make these decisions, you have many more decisions to make, but they can all strengthen your relationship with Robin if they follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. While your situation is tragic, if you make wise decisions regarding your future, you will minimize the damage. And your new way to make decisions will greatly improve your lifestyle and marriage, improvement you have needed very badly.





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We cannot emphasize NC enough. Send OM a NC letter right away and that means for life!!

No, it doesn't necessarily mean for life. If the OM is the baby's father and he wants C, there's nothing she can do about it. It's a father's right to have a relationship with their child if they want one. He would have to take her to court to establish legal visitation, but if he wanted C then OM could have C regardless of what her and her H want if it's his baby.

We cannot emphasize NC enough. Send OM a NC letter right away and that means for life!!

Here in the islands, the average man would not be so accepting!! No way, no how. Call it pride, call it ego...it is the way things are in our Caribbean societies.