My husband and I are suppose to have our 6 month anniversary later this month and have been together for almost 6 years. We spent Thanksgiving at my parents house and my parents had to fight (which they do every holiday and I am use to it). He came from a divorced home where his father was very abusive. Thanksgiving night, we had a long talk, well mostly he talked, about how our marriage is unsuccessful and we need to work on our fighting because he doesn't want to end up like his or my parents. He also won't pretend that he is happy. He kept putting words in my mouth and saying that I said this or that, that I wasn't happy. I mean sometimes I am not happy but overall I am very happy. We agreed that we would work on us and kind of left it at that. Most of his unhappiness doesn't stem from our relationship, but from the fact that I support us. I have two jobs and he only works part time so he feels like a failure. He is going to school in January and hopefully will find something really good from that.

Recently, a couple that we both know broke up. He is closer to them than I am and has been hanging out with the female ALOT after the breakup. It seems like all he wants to do is talk to her and ignore me. I was pretty annoyed about this and probably 2 days after Thanksgiving and the whole talk, I said something about it. He got angry with me and then called her to tell her that I didn't like it. Apparently she said that she didn't want to be in the way and wasn't going to talk to him or hang out with him anymore. Right after this he didn't wear his ring for 1.5 to 2 days and now has it on the opposite hand. We are suppose to be separated now(which I somehow got myself into because I said we shouldn't just go get a divorce). The separation is almost the same as not being separated, except he is suppose to be allowed to do whatever he wants, we still talk about the future and such. He said he needs to be able to support himself and pay for himself and such. I think it has more to do with the fact that he doesn't want to stop being friends with this girl. I tried to get him to read His Needs, Her Needs with me but he refuses and got mad at me last night when he saw me reading it. We don't have any real problems, we fight sometimes but so does everyone. I am not ready to give up on our marriage but he seems more than willing to throw in the towel in order to hang out with this girl.

To top it all off, I found out that I am pregnant the weekend after all this happened. He says that he is happy about the baby and he'll always be their for him/her. But I really need him to be there for me right now. Every conversation we have about this ends with him saying we have been trying to work everything out and it hasn't work, if we have to make it work its not worth it. I didn't even know he was this unhappy with our relationship. Probably a month ago, he was telling people that being married was great, it was the best thing he ever did.

I have been trying not to argue, and just hang out and be friends (apparently thats what he wants) and to build up points in my Love Bank, but it seems no matter what I do, he has to call HER everyday and go see her and if she and I are both around, he pays WAY more attention to her. I am afraid to say anything to her because she will probably complain to my husband and that will make him angrier at me and if I tell him that he has to choose, at this point, I think he'll choose her. I don't think it's anything but friendship now but I know where it will lead if he doesn't stop seeing her so much, and I don't know if I can deal with that. He says he still loves me and wants us to remain friends but we don't work as a couple.

Please help! I don't know what to do! I keep thinking if they would just get into a fight then maybe he wouldn't hold her in such high regard, but what are they going to fight over? Their lives dont really intersect unless they are hanging out, having fun.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It does sound like he is having an emotional affair, which can be just as bad as a physical affair.

I would let her husband know what is going on, even if they have broken up.

I would also ask her to stop talking to your husband. Let her know she is causing problems in your marriage, and you are pregnant. It may not do any good, but some women have scruples.

Your husband IS having an affair...

you need to read read and read all about this site...

his behavior thus far is sooo typical it actually makes you sick to read about...

the I love you but not in love with you speach..
the "YOU'RE not happy even if you think you are..."

and the IRRATIONAL response to his not liking you telling him the TRUTH that he is spending too much time and energy on his GIRLFRIEND the OW...

so read and read...

hit the affair head..
expose to the soon to be exhusband...

tell him that you have no intention of being third wheel in a marriage...and that each interaction with her is like a knife in your heart and back....

no rational non affair spouse takes their ring off and calls for seperation if they are only friends...it would be an irrational reaction....

AND
are you saying that he has her over to your house when you are home....and expects you to hand out with his girlfriend...

ARK

Have you talked to him about MC? If you want to save your M then this is a good start for the both of you. It's essential that the two of you talk about what is wrong and how things could be better. At least a MC can help get you to that point.

Also, men can have a "caveman" attitude and think they are strong and do not require outside assistance. Pride gets in the way and depression easily takes over. He is probably feeling ashamed by not contributing to the household. How do you compare job-wise to this other girl? I would almost imagine that he doesn't feel as intimidated by her as he does to you.

One of the things that I wanted when I first started posting here is for someone to tell me I was wrong - my H was not having an affair and that I was just overreacting. No one did that. Since then I have watched story after story with the same script and your story is no different. Your H is having an affair with this woman and she is not your friend. Some people engaged in an affair seem to be so oblivious that the actually encourage contact between their spouse and their affair partner - I guess it makes it seem better in the eyes of the WS. They refer to that as fog around here and it sounds like your husband is heavy in the fog. At no time should you tolerate this blatant disrespect that he is currently showing you by allowing him to continue contact in front of you - you are his wife and that alone should make you his priority. Please follow the advice of the good people here - they are sincere in their efforts to help you.

Take care of yourself and that baby. Read up on Plan A and hang in there. Somewhere in here is a thread titled the Carrot and the Stick of Plan A - try to search on it. I will see if I can bump it up for you. Just remember you are not alone................

Perplexed,

LISTEN TO ARK^^!!

Your H is having an affair with this chick. EA or PA, his attention is being diverted from you and the M.

His extreme actions make me think it is a full blown PA!

You must become pro-active and work on breaking up the A. In order for any positive things to happen to your M the contact with the OW must stop.

EXPOSE THE A TO ALL WHO MATTER! Talk to the OW, sounds like she may have some empathy for you. (maybe not!)

Stay strong!

k

1) I can't tell her that she is causing problems. If she can't tell then she is obviously an idiot. She was the one who said before that if it was causing a problem then she didn't want to hang out, then all of a sudden it's okay. If I say something to her then she will tell my husband what I said and it won't help.

2) They are both insisting that they are "just friends" to everyone. Even mutual friends are trying to tell me that I am crazy because I think they like each other. Maybe right now they aren't doing anything sexually but they are definitely becoming attached.

3) Everytime I try to talk to him about it, he says that the problem is that he is not happy and he won't pretend he is. That we have tried everything and it just doesn't work. He makes no sense though. He says we are great intimately and as friends, but not as a couple.

She has a "job". It is very infrequent and involves setting up games and stuff for schools and fairs. She has alot of free time and because my husband only works weekends, he also has alot of free time.

Good advice...a couple of points about talking to him

To be honest, he sounds like a pretty decent guy. He said that he wants to reduce the fighting. He also said that he doesn't want his M to end up like his parents.

Agree with him--say, "You bet. We need to make this M better! Let's go to MC." Get involved in your church, go on a couple of marriage retreats, etc.

Since he comes from a broken home, he has never seen a "happy" M. He doesn't know what it takes to have a happy M. (It doesn't just happen...you have to work at it.)

PERPLEXED!!! (my hands grabbing your shoulders and shaking you firmly)

""1)If I say something to her then she will tell my husband what I said and it won't help.""

It WILL help!!! If she agrees to STOP CONTACT with the boy, it will help immensly!! Sure he will be pissed! It is all part of FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY!

""2) Maybe right now they aren't doing anything sexually""

MAYBE THEY ARE!!! Are you willing to bet your marriage on this?

""3) He makes no sense though.""

This is called "THE FOG", like the movie. His brain is saturated with phereomes and endorphines stemming from his contact with this chick causing a "lust buzz".

This affliction makes him speak in "FOGBABBLE", rationalizing (to himself) why he must continue the contact. This rationalization makes no sense to non-aliens.

AND FINALLY

""She has alot of free time and because my husband only works weekends, he also has alot of free time.""

You MUST wake up and smell the coffee! HEELLLLOOOO!!

You have got to get off dat river in Egypt...DENILE! and start fighting for your M.

k

I replied to you on the EN's section. I included some info about what Dr Harley calls 'Plan A' - his advice on how to end affairs. Exposure is a big part of Plan A. Scarey but required. Read up, understand and then implement.

Also, please consider calling the Harley's for phone counseling. They are very good at it. And very good at getting your spouse 'on board'. Fixing all this is not a D-I-Y project. Call for advice from the experts.

Krusht is right. You need to wake up and smell the coffee. Your biggest enemy right now is you fear to do what it takes to save your M. I would suggest you read some others' stories on this thread to see that your situation is no different than many others on this site.

When you are ready, hopefully in the next two days or so, expose this A between your husband and this woman.

Best.

To add to what everyone else has said, I am confused. You say he took off his ring and moved it to his right hand and is saying that you two are "separated". What exactly does this mean?

If he is living in your house -- you are NOT "separated" -- he is having his cake (you are supporting him) and eating it too (he is seeing another woman). If you really want to work on your marriage and want ANY chance of saving it, you need to insist on no contact with this woman. She is getting in the way of you and your husband working on the marriage. If he won't agree to no contact (and frankly your "mutual friends" are no friends of yours), then you must ask him to leave. You will be no better off having him staying in your house, telling you that you aren't working as a couple, than you will be if he leaves.

I have walked many miles in your shoes, and my marriage only survived because I told my FWH that he could NOT have his cake and eat it too. He had to make a choice. Did I run a risk? You bet I did, but I could NOT live in the limbo world that he was asking of me. Ultimately he chose me, and after 5 long years, we are better than we have been in our 34+ year marriage.

You've asked for help, and folks have given you excellent advice. It's time for you to make some demands of your own.

Your friends probably mean well, but they probably don't understand the nature of infidelity. Your gut is telling you that this situation is wrong - that is why you are really here.