This past week WH and I accepted a job in the same city. We really didnt have a thourough discussion about it, but I am glad it worked out that way. He was very excited all last week about finally moving closer to home. It was nice because he actually shared his excitement with me.

I dont know if his A is ongoing b/c I havent asked him about it. The cell phone records havent shown any phone calls to her for the past 2 weeks. He has been calling me pretty regularly, and now he always picks up when I call, which hasnt happened in awhile. He calls to let me know where he is going and with whom, and calls to let me know when he returns. I do feel this is some progress since I first posted. Hoowever, he still has just as many moody days where its like pulling teeth to carry a conversation. I did go and visit him this weekend, and it was so much better than the last time I visited at New Years. Before I flew back home today, I was on his computer looking at houses for sale in the city we will be moving to in 6 months. I showed him what I liked, but I dont think he was ready for that. He immediately changed the subject, and wanted to talk about something. This did hurt b/c I was hoping to get more of a reassurance. However, I am glad he is not talking about D anymore, like he was a month ago.

I think he's planning on ending it with her when he moves back home.

Keep doing your PLAN A.

Mimi..thank you for all your advice. I am truly doing the best I can everyday for myself (and hopefully our M).

Well, I think the A ended. Not 100% sure, though. WH calls alot, and the conversations go quite well on the phone. And he almost always picks up when I call. I have seen him almost every weekend for the past month, and this past weekend we actually went and looked at houses.

Even though things are better, I can still feel the distance when we are together. I dont know if that is how he feels, but I can feel it. And sometimes he just seems to shut down, and I can tell he still isnt ready to talk about the future or the past. And sometimes, he just seems sad. I only see him on the weekends, and I just wish thing were better already, since I dont get to see him everyday.... and I wish he would wear his wedding ring.

That is awesome news, Stella. When will you know where you will be moving?

Maybe when you two are together more, it will be more relaxed for you.

We already know where, as we both have accepted jobs in the same city. And we will be moving at the end of June.... I am both excited and nervous.

I cant wait to be more relaxed. Since I dont see him that often, I am always so worried about having a good time that it gets in the way of having a good time....that's the way I see it anyway. I now tend to analyze his every action and word in my head, and then I just start to get anxious. Only 4 1/2 more months....seems like such a long time, though.

I'm sorry, I had forgotten you posted that earlier.

4.5 months seems like a long time, but when you compare it to the journey you are on, it really is a short time.

My son has decided to start the path of med school. Several friends who are doctors have really encouraged him. I hope the best for him. He has never had a girl friend as such. He says too much money and too much trouble and too much time. I sort of hope he keeps that thought through med school.

I really do hope the best for you and for your husband.

take care

Stella:

IMO, if the A has not already ended, he has definitely decided to end it. What you describe, seems to me, to be signs of WITHDRAWAL from the OW. In our case, the withdrawal lasted more than the expected 3 months. When my H was in withdrawal, he was often and depressed and not talkative like your H seems to be. Also, he may feel guilty about his A when he is with you, puts him in touch with what he may have lost.

I think it will be very important for you to stay in as much contact as possible with him, calling him daily, visiting almost every weekend because he will be vulnerable to reuniting with her..because of the pain he is feeling.

It's important to focus on the PRESENT when you are with him and to talk as much as possible about the FUTURE.

Keep in mind that the OW may be scheming...In our sitch, the OW was pushing for a baby towards the end of the A in order to have some tie to my H..So TRY to HINT about this in some way.. I know, YUK!!!

However, overall, this sounds REALLY GREAT!!

I am happy for you and I am praying for the continued RECOVERY of your MARRIAGE...

I think you can count on him wearing that ring again..just hold on...

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And the rollercoaster continues. I guess I was wrong about the A ending. For the past couple of days, the phone calls dropped off, and I was the only one doing all the calling. I asked WH what was wrong, and at first he said everything was fine. But then he started saying things like "I just dont know if I will be happy with you," and other things that I cant remember. I asked him if he was still talking to the OW, and he said that they were, but he had not seen her in a month. I got very angry, and I let it all out. I couldn't stop, and said things I shouldnt have said. I told him that I wanted a D, and that I was tired of all this garbage. He said that he was sorry, and that he was really tring to make the M work. He said that he couldnt turn back the clock, and that he wanted us to try. He then said that he and OW had decided not to talk or see other anymore, unless WH decided he didnt want to work on his M anymore. He said it has been a few days since this conversation took place, which is right when his phone calls to me dropped off. He said he wanted to try, and if it works , it works, and if doesnt, we D. I hate that kind of attitude. He just doesnt get it....that he cant even try to make it work with her in the picture.

Anyway, I dont think he will be able to do NC as I am not there, and it is just too easy to continue the A. I dont think NC will happen until he moves back here in 4 months. I wish I hadnt LB'd like that. He was frustrated and angry when we got off the phone...and so am I.

Oh, Stella...Sorry to hear this but I am not surprised..

I thought that I had warned you that the A is not likely to end until he moves away from her..

Your anger about the continued contact is normal and expected...



In your situation, the A is clearly an addiction as was the case with my FWH. He knows that she is not right for him and what he is doing is wrong but he finds it difficult to break away from it...



Of course, he doesn't get it, Stella. He is an ALIEN, WH...not rational..he is under her spell...

Just call him back and tell him that you are sorry about blowing up at him...

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Plus, be sure to reiterate how much it HURTS you that he remains in contact with her...

Also, it is important to throw in a question about whether she has children or not...

Do not say this to him directly but her next move may be to try to get pregnant...that would be a HOLD on him..UNFORTUNATELY, this is a typical OW scheme...

Mimi, took your advice. Smoothed things over this morning. She doesnt have any kids, and my inlaws have done a good job of warning him that OW may try to get pregnant to keep him. Of course, he wont even admit he had/has a physical relationship with her. Whatever. It is disgusting, though.

But thank you for your advice.

Stella

I havent posted in a long time, but need some advice again. I am still plan A'ing...my H and I will hopefully be moving back together at the end of June when we are done with residency. All I know for certain is that we will be in the same city. He still freaks out when it comes to talking about any future plans. I am not sure when to plan B it since we are living apart right now....

But anyway, here is what happened tonite. My H is visisting his parents for Easter, and I am supposed to join him there tomorrow. I was looking forward to it, but not so sure anymore. He got there today, and went out with some old friends. I guess he had too much to drink and went to sleep as soon as came home. My MIL found his cell phone laying around and looked to see who he was calling and who was calling him. She found a text message from OW asking him what time his divorce hearing was, and another message that said "interesting, I thought you were staying in a hotel tonite so you can be in court tomorrow." I dont know what is going on, except that this OW thinks he is divorcing me tomorrow, and I dont know anything about it! I am soooooo angry that I dont know what to say or do. I dont even know if I want to go tomorrow to go visit him. He is such a compulsive liar.

So your MIL told U? Is she one of your supporters?

I know this is devastating and hard but if you can muster up the strength, comfront him or let his mother comfront him NOT by accusing but by WONDERING..... something like:

MIL: Say son,.....watcha gonna be doing tomorrow?

WS: I dunno....why?

MIL: Well I was thinking about making some amendments to my will and putting DIL on it.

WS: Why?

MIL: Well since you've been gone, she's been closer than you and I feel close to her. I mean..... I know things haven't been well with your M..... you aren't thinking of doing something stupid like a D r u? I mean let's say some skanky broad tells you to D your W, r u dumb enough to even consider something soooo stuuupid?

Ws: Uhhhh.... of course not.

MIL: Good. Then I can get to work on my will.

WS: R U leaving anything 4 me?

MIL: Depends..... what r u going t/b doing about making your W like u again? She seems quite hurt by your current actions.

Now the purpose of this is to keep the WS off balanced. You can be sure that his mind w/b racing wondering how his mother got sooo close to the truth. Yet it was given in a supposition type of environment (u know....just wondering....). Also it impresses into the mind of the WS that your MIL does not take kindly to any underhanded efforts to create a D environment.

Now if you had t/d somethng yourself.... it might go like:

BS: Hm... what's that smell?

WS: What smell?

BS: Guess you've been away a while. Switch soap? It kinda makes you reek.

WS: No..... I use the same soap?

BS: U wearing women's perfume? What have you been doing over there anyway? Turning Gay?

WS: I'm NOT gay.

BS: Hm..... dunno.... can't tell....just know you don't smell real good anymore. Been eating ok? You smell knda toxic.

WS: uuuhhh, I think I'm ok.

BS: Well it may or may not be an item I can use in a D but you never know. Can you imagine? Your honor, I have to D my H because he is having an A and now B.O.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> - Priceless!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


L.

I just got back from a weekend with WH and inlaws. WH was VERY withdrawn since the moment I got there on Thursday. I found a TM from the OW that was sent the morning of my arrival stating "I love you more than anything. I want to spend my life with my best friend. This [divorce] must be resolved today. There are no exceptions. This is YOUR life."

He doesnt know that I saw the TM. There was no further communication between them for the remainder of the weekend, even on his birthday, which was on saturday. I doubt she will leave him alone despite knowing the D did not happen. I do hope this creates conflict between them. I did call him earlier, and I could tell really didn't want to talk, so I got off the phone quick. I hate having these bad days....

(((((Stella)))) I've thinking about you. I so wish I knew what to tell you. Take care of yourself.

Stella:

Hugs to you...

Sad to say..but true...

His A will continue until June..there's no getting around that...

The question is: "Are you up to working on the marriage with this WH of yours?"

You know that he is "PLAYING HER". It does not take a rocket scientist to see that. He is trying to hold onto her for as long as possible. He ENJOYS her..She is a HO...

I say..assume that the affair will continue until June...

The best strategy for you is to go visit as often as possible..

He will lovebust and have to come up with more and more lies to tell her...

I HATE THIS STUFF..YUCK...

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Hi Mimi,

I was hoping to from you. Yhea, I know the A will continue until June, ...and I still haven't given up yet. It is frustrating, though; But, it is helpful to write here to vent before I say or do something I will probably regret.

Well my WH has COMPLETELY shut down. He got dumped by the OW this week, and now he is the soooo miserable. He won't talk and doesnt want to do anything. I dont know what to say to him....except let him be???

Yes, Stella.

Let him be.

No relationship talk or trying to cheer him up.

Know that this might be a plot on her part to get him to commit and he might fall for it. The old BREAK UP TO MAKE UP GAME.DRAMA...YUCK...

All you can do is to sit back and PLAN A.

Let THEM play this out.