I'm just curious. How rare is it?

A friend is urging me to write book on dealing w/OC. (Btw, I don't think contact works for everyone, so don't "yell" at me.)

Prayers for all marriages,
J.
m.19y,
3 kids,
visitation w/7yo

hi jenny,

no i dont think you are the only one. we have contact with the oc as well and generally speaking it goes well.

we have some issues. Basically h wants more time and xOW doesnt want him to him to have it, but over all oc fits in with us and has become a loved member of our family and xOW stays out of our faces for the most part.

i think a book on this situation is an excellent idea. there really is nothing out there that is even remotely helpful. i think alot of authors put this situation in the too hard basket.

Cheers

Carolyn

No, Jenny there are a few on here where the C is going well for the most part. I mean in most cases of co-parenting, nothing goes smoothly all the time anyway. We have had C since birth and to us was a very important thing. We have it legal but most of the time work with OP in making sure he is with either his father or mother and not others to watch him. Its not an easy task, but it can and does work for some, not all. It takes a great effort in getting over the pain, and going on with your lives. Popping in and out of a childs life is not good. Neither is living with a physco OP, the choices are very hard to make.
Sunny.

We, too have regular C (4 days/week - every weekend and Mon/Tues) and it's working fairly well, other than dealing with OP's parenting stupidity at times. Other than drop off and pick up and what assinine, uneducated things she says then, we aren't bothered by her.

Thank goodness, she's not like some other OP on here who call the MM continually. There are reasons she doesn't in our case (too long to go into), but it wouldn't be in her best interest to push me.

For the most part, OC is lots of fun and we get to enjoy him more so than our kids when they were growing up when we had much less time and more going on.

I'd be lying if I said it wasn't trying at times and when it gets that way, we take a couple days off.

Hello Inanutshell,

I would be interested to know why your OW doesn't call anymore, if you care to share.

She never has called our home and "announced herself" at least. Was geting blocked, harrasing type of phone calls, but got caller ID and started tracing them, reported them to S.O. etc. and they ended. Tha was prior to birth and right after. She did call my H at work a few times in the beginning, but he put a stop to that.


As far as why it's in her best interest to not push me. I know something she's done and she knows I know it. She could be in some serious trouble if or when I decide to open the can.

you guys give me hope. i want so badly to bury the past and accept the oc as part of our family, ow says she wants us to all be able to get along, sometimes i think she expects us to be one big extended family, not happening! But i cant get over the hurt and anger she resurfaces everytime we hear from her. i feel like she thinks she deserves sooo much from my H. oc is due in Feb, I keep hoping that i will heel enough to deal with oc by then, it just seems like it is so close. how do you guys get past the hurt to deal with this?

jmims, the key is to seperate the oc from the it mother. if you can do that, then accepting the oc into your family is much easier.

if you can come to know the oc as an indiviual and not an extension of its mother, if you can appreciate the child for its own personaility then you will be fine. it can be hard when they are babies but it can be done.

yes, dealing with the ow at pick up/drop off, parenting stuff can be painful and initially i think you have to set very rigid boundries until everyone gets used to the situation.

i think one of the best things you can do to take alot of the drama out is to set up visitation legally and not try ot make a deal with the ow. that gives her the power and it is can be hard enough to bond with this child without the fear that the ow will wig out on you and mess with your contact time.

when your heart has been so broken and battered after the affair it can be hard to open it up again to the oc. i know i initally felt that way. it helped me to think of the oc as a victim of the affair, just like me. it helped me get over the hump and open myself up the oc.


good luck!

hugs

carolyn

Jimms:

You're not going to get over the hurt and anger for a long time, possibly never. You can learn to deal with it and not let it take over your life.

I'm not particularly a "baby" person or a "kid" person. I'm not one that thinks every baby is adorable and make all over them. I certainly had apprehension before I met OC and how I would react to him. I was actually very surprised by my reaction. My "mothering" instincts took over and I didn't and haven't given it a second thought.

Before I met him, I considered my options and looked at the pros and cons (whether to stay in the marriage, C or NC, etc. etc), and by the time I met him I had made the choice that given lemons, I was going to make lemonaide. It was in his best interest. His future without other responsible parents in his life didn't look good. Not the answer for every person, couple and family, I can completely understand reasons and decisions for NC.

Had this happened 10 years ago, things may have played out differently. I don't know that I would have dealt with it with kids still at home, working full time etc. etc.

Your feelings are normal, it's how you channel them that makes the difference. Believe me, it's not perfect here and I have my days. Another poster refers to those days as turning into the "Bride of Chucky".

You can set it up so you have to have as little C with her as possible. I will NEVER accept OP even remotely into our lives. She's simply the OC's mother. More than likely your OW still has other motives. Too soon out of the A IMHO. Also, IMHO, it's not healthy for your marriage in recovery to have C with OP, other than limited if you choose C with OC. A business relationship is all you need with OP.

To sum it up, at least for me - - You choose to not obsess over the hurt and anger. If you let it get to you, then in a sense, she's getting to you and you certainly don't want that. The best revenge is living your life to the fullest and making the choice to be happy.

Take time for yourself and make the choice for you.

Inanutshell and Carolyn - You both are remarkable woman. BRAVO! I don't think I could separate the child from the OW, that would be my issue. Just the thought of her calling my house and asking to speak to my H, would send me into another galaxy. It's just so hard.

carolyn and inanut, your descriptions are GREAT! Sunnydale, I hope things are well with u and family; I miss the msn group.

Well, that's 4 of us, anyway. I'm ambivalent about writing a book while oc is still young. I wouldn't want a book to dig up new trouble w/xow. But there certainly ought to be one!

J

H and I have had visitation since paternity was established, and there were some rocky moments where I thought about if it was worth it. Now that H is out of the home in his own apartment it's just me with oc. H has custody but I'm the one with him you would have thought I would be the one with custody, because I'm the one doing all the work and always has been. Ow picks up oc on the weekends and returnes him sunday night. She is a easy going person for the most part and it has helped a little with dealing with the situation. Except for the occasional comment about my H being a ******! Uggh!

((((((((((notdoneinyet))))))))))

HUGS.

thanks guys! i haven't been checking in everyday. i find that i don't dwell on this part of my life if i'm not trying to deal with it everyday. things go so well until she does or says something else. i don't know that i will ever be able to seperate the ow from the oc. i hope i can, i love children and from day one said and believed that i would love this oc just because it is part of the two most important things in my life, my husband and my daughter. you guys have really helped me alot, just reading that other people do deal with it and it be similar to my situation. and when i see that things can go well it gives me hope. thanks!

I decided to pop in tonight and read some posts. Ironic that this one is about visitation and that is a major issue for us right now.

OW and family displaced due to Hurricane Katrina. My in-laws and our church in CA took them in after the disaster. That in itself was a hard pill to swallow as we had only phone contact prior to this.

We tried visitation the first year of oc's life when we also lived in New Orleans. That was working well until ow snapped. She up and moved without telling us where she went. We went to pick up oc from daycare as agreed upon, and she had withdrawn oc from the daycare. That is how we found out she had moved. She had hinted that she was doing this, but never gave us a definitive date or location.

Once we tracked her down, she refused to allow my H to see oc if I was involved in any way. She accused me of leaving nasty messages on her answering machine and not taking proper care of oc when we had visitation. All of which was totally untrue.

Once ow and her family moved to in-laws things were hectic, but H went to see oc and oc even spent the night with H and in laws. I didn't go because I had to work.

Now for the fun part, we planned on going to visit inlaws and oc this past weekend to celebrate holidays. We had one gift shipped to inlaws and I wrapped the rest to take with us. The night we are about to leave, H finalizes details with ow over the phone saying when we would get into town and how we would like to see him on a certain night to exchange gifts, etc. She hears that I am coming along and tells H that if I am involved that he can't see oc. This is the second time she has pulled this just before H is supposed to see oc.

We decide not to go and now mil is furious with H. Ow said H could not see oc and we did not want to spend 48 hours playing her games. As of this moment, we are debating whether to even continue contact.

Ow behaves as though I intruded on her life. We know this is about the oc and not the ow, but she dangles this child like a carrot in front of H. That is not fair either. Mil is not supportive of our decision to stay home and now all heck is breaking out.

Oc is 4 years old. How much longer is she going to try to ignore the fact that I am involved whether she likes it or not. Should H be involved with oc without me? Should I just suck it up and make other plans every time my H sees oc? I am torn between oc being innocent and me being some sort of devil in the eyes of the ow.

Sorry, I did not mean to hijack this post. I am thrilled that visitation is working for some of you, I just wish it could work for us.

Tryin

Aren't they just amazaing - those OW/FOW/OP. You said it right. They behave as if you intruded on their lives. Get a clue and grow up. I see it all too frequently on the boards.

So, back to the problem at hand. No, it's not acceptable for H to be involved with OC without you. No, you just shouldn't suck it up and make other plans.

I don't remember if you have legal visitation or not, but I guess that really doesn't matter. Bottom line, whether visitation is legal or not, if the OW so chooses to make it difficult, if not impossible in many cases for MM to see the child, then there's nothing that can be done about it other than battle it out in the court system and boy would that get old and wear upon your marriage, pocket book, emotionally etc.

That's precisely why these OW/FOW/OP, whatever you want to call them, don't have the father to the OC in his/her lives.

But boy oh boy, let that MM miss his CS payment and off they go to CS Enforcement (all free of charge to them), to take whatever action they can take upon your family.

And so the saga goes.

No easy answers, especially when dealing with unruly, non self-respecting, thoughtless, OW/FOW/OP.

Sorry, you're dealing with this. Why don't you just go and just not see OC. Why let this ruin your x-mas if you really want to be at in-laws. In-laws can take gifts to OC.

Another option, will OW, let MIL (who's given so much to help this doofus woman out) bring OC to her home so you can see him? Although, I personally think it's really harmful and confusing to OC to have sporadic visitation and contact.

True justice, and for lack of a better word, revenge; is living your life happily and to the fullest. Those OW/OP/FOW, don't like to see that, because they're miserable with their lives, they want to inflict their misery on others.

Our visitation is going really well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />, xow and I went shopping together last week <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, her BF and my H played Xbox 360 together. No I don't trust her, but we do get along. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
PS. sorry I haven't been on been busy with college, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />and we are currently living in a homeless shelter(no computer unless at college).
Merry Christmas All!!