If your adult child was part of an affair, what would you do? What would you say?

I am honestly trying to sort through my feelings about my Inlaws. Although they don't like the way their wayward son acts, their feelings are that he is an adult. Mind you that they are extemely religious people but have seen no need to discuss this siutation with their priest. What I see as enabling behavior, they see as a neutral course. They see themselves as powerless. I see them in deep denial.

Is this a generational thing? Are people raised in the 30's and 40's, less likely to confront their child about an affair?

On the other hand, I'm old enough to be a mom to many people on this forum. I know exactly what I would tell my kids. Or is that just because I've spent so much time on MB? When DS went to college, I told him to be honest in his relationship with his GF who was not a college. And he listened.

If it's your child, does that connection mean more than the religious and moral teachings that a person expouses? Does it have to be blood over values?

Aside from a recent discussion with my inlaws, I've had another trigger. I just finished a book (Stones in the River) about life in a small village in German during the Nazi years. One of the things I got from the book is that Evil loves silence. That unless people speak up, Evil will flourish. This seed crossed over to the tolerance/silence I've seen from other Inlaws on this board.

Any input?

Oh, I don't think that this is an easy question to answer.

If my adult child was engaged in an affair I would be disappointed with their poor decisions.

I would counsel them if they wished my advice.

I wouldn't let the OP be introduced to me. No playing house. No Holiday visits with the OP.

I would be very upset if the OP was introduced to any children from the marriage.


Frankly, there isn't much I could really do that would be constructive.

You teach your children the best you can. You hope that they will make ethical decisions on their own. I can offer to help them return to an ethical life if they stray, but the choice is theirs.

I wouldn't disown my child because I don't like how they live their life. If I found their behavior destructive and harmful to me (or the grandkids) I would seek legal advice to see what could be done.

I do think that blood-bonds are very strong. I know that mine are.

For Evil to win all that is required is that good men / women do nothing. Conspirency of silence / neutrality?

I think parents of that generation do not discuss sexual (infedility) issues very openly for the most part. You may want to appeal to them on the family valves level, supporting the family as a whole.

I've always thought my ILs did a pretty good job of negotiating murky territory.

On D-day, we were staying at their house, and when they woke up to find I'd left, they found out about the A pretty quickly. They yelled at my H all day (okay, not the most loving response). The next day, when I picked him up to bring him to the airport (can you say enabling the A?), they told him "we love you but we cannot respect your decision to break up your family in this way."

For the next year, they made it clear that they loved us both and wanted to see us together. They refused to see the OW (H assumed it was because she was Chinese and that they were racist <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />). They cared for our children.

As CN notes, there is not much that can be done once you've made your position clear.

All that said, if we had divorced, I would have expected them to change their support. An A should not be tolerated or enabled. But a post-divorce relationship, while still rooted in an A, has the potential to become a family unit for one's grandchildren and then the priority should become stability in the relationships surrounding the children.

I will say that I felt judged at times and that they weren't expressing what I felt they were thinking - "what did you do to drive our son to this?" If my child were the WS, I would be tempted to think the same if I didn't understand what As were all about.

G

My IL were the ones who helped me expose the A. They watched the kids so I could go snooping. They listened to me the week I was away with them when the PI was following my H. They have been wonderful. My MIL(66yrs old) told me that if my H had gone with OW and broke up the family, she would have disowned him. They have been my rock and have done everything I have needed. And yes they are very religious.
I think it just may be an individual sitch. My IL are great!

The other day while driving to pick up my son....I was scanning the radio and happened upon Dr. Laura's radio show. Not much of a fan, I was poised to keep scanning, but she happened to be reading a letter about infidelity from a mother and my ears perked up.

The writer was someone whose son and DIL had been married for 15 years. She loved both of them....her son of course, but also the DIL who had been a loyal and faithful wife, good mother to their three young children....and had become a member of the family. The DIL had become the "adopted" daughter this mother never had.

Her son met a woman many years his junior, began an affair, and had left his family. How this mother responded brought the biggest smile to my face....and a few "THAT's what I'm talkin' ABOUT!!"s. The mother told her son that she would never accept the OW into her home, and that as long as he was in contact with her, that he was not welcome in the parental home either. When her son filed for divorce, she provided and paid for the best divorce attorney she could find for her DIL!! to make sure that the children and she did not suffer for his destructive choices and her son would not get custody. Months went by....and her dil and grandchildren celebrated milestones with her husband's family, while he was uninvited.

A year and a half went by, and the affair fizzled.....eventually....her son reconciled and remarried his wife.

When I grow up....I wanna be just like that!

IMHO, it's not a generational thing..it has to do moreso with the parents' prior life experiences, the nature of their own marriage and how they handle conflict and stress...

My grandparents were born in the early 1900s, recently died while in their 90s..My father had As and did lots of other unacceptable things..They supported my mother fully and were not tolerant of his actions, often openly telling him so..

Now, having young adult sons, I'm facing these issues myself. Our sons are what folks call "players"..I've been encouraging them to be "open" with the young women about how they are not ready to be committed.. Mimi says: "Don't break these girls' hearts"....My feelings about this have to do with what I have just been through....

So, given that, I'm sure my H and I would not be accepting of our sons' having As...We would be fully supportive of their wives...Even now, we are bothered by how our son is treating a young woman, whom WE like, who is "in love" with him but HE won't commit to her....

In other words, I think it has to do with individual differences and life experiences moreso than generational..

I agree, though, that EVIL needs to be brought out into the open and FEEDS upon SILENCE...

I think that it is important for you to continue to SPEAK THE TRUTH and to make sure not to join with them in enablement...

My thoughts on this...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

My inlaws have been very good. When I first exposed the A's to them my MIL was so concerned about her son that she and my SIL came all the way from Alaska to talk to him! Now, my h is very manipulative and pulled the wool right over his mothers eyes at first. He was not living here and she talked openly with him about everything I had told her. He admitted he was "no angel" but made the "A" sound like nothing. My MIL told me she thought my H's mental state was fine (when I told her it in no way was. She has since seen I was right on that one) She also got the impression my h was just using this woman and that his intentions were first and foremost his kids. (well, that has yet to be seen but....)

Long story short, my FIL told my MIL not to get in the middle of our marriage. She could listen to me she could listen to h but not to offer any kinds of advice or opinions. They are very biblical people and she believes she is to listen to her husband. She has told me she does not feel right not being more involved. But she does email me and tell me she is constantly praying for our marriage and that she believes it is God's will for her to do so. She encourages me to do the same. She loves us both. She has not come right out and said anything about ow only that there is a name for a woman like that! They live in Alaska so no need to worry about meeting her. As long as h and I are still legally married I do not believe they would meet her anyway. My inlaws are both very hurt by what has been done.

My FIL had an affair about 10 years ago so I know my MIL knows what she is talking about! They are still married and happily retored. I know she loves her son and is very worried about him. she was us back together and the family unit to be one again.

I have already talked to my children about affairs and that they are living with the consequences right now of what one does to a family. And if they ever exhibited that behaviour I would have no problem having a nice long talk with them about it. IF they were the victim of a spouse who was cheating I would refer them to this site! mlhb

They say blood is thicker than water but in my case my MIL and SIL'S have been my biggest support.

My MIL who is 67 has been the rock I have would have never expected. She has told my WH exactlly what she thiks of all of this and what she thinks of the OW.

My WH turned on his mother when she told him what she thought of all this and pretty much won't have anything to do with her now. I guess the truth hurts and he can't take it.

WH showed up to his mom's home one day in Aug and had OW with him in th car. My SIL proceeded to tell OW some truths that caused problems with her and WH. OW had been told to her face she is not welcomed in their home and never will be. WH has not been included in any family evenets such as Thanksgiving or nor will he be included this Christmas. I on the other hand am included in everything. I see my MIL everyday since she lives 7 houses away.

They supported my taking him to court for CS and SS. They told me to get all I could. My MIL talks to me and allows me to cry and let it out with her. She loves her son but has no trust or respect for him at this point. She has tried talking to him about breaking our family up and he won't listen to her. She has told me and I believe her that no matter what happens I will always be her DIL and part of the family.

Now I do know if in time we become divorced that WH will be welcomed back into the family but I do know that OW will never have the acceptance she may want.

The one thing I know for ure is that my In-laws do not approve or accept my husbands actions and never will. They have made it very clear to him. So I have been one of the lucky ones with my in-laws. I love them for taking the high road and not allowing this to be swept under the rug and ignored by them just to keep from losing a son and brother. These are his choices and he has to accept the consequenses of them.

Edited to add: If I was put in this position as a parent and having lived this and delt with it I would take the stance that my MIL has taken. I would not approve or enable the A in any way....

Grape I brought my sons up I hope well enough for them not to cheat. I had told one who M very young a=that if I found out he was cheating on his S. #1. I would help her out with her D. #2. I would probaly kick the sh$t out of him. Not really but scary thought. 3. that I would be very upset with him and have a hard time speaking to him. 4. that if I knew and his S did not that I would talk to him first then tell his S.

I don't have any experience with my own IL's being "involved" in the messy business of recovery, but I know my MIL would rally around her baby no matter what. She actually prefers him to her grandchildren. We've kept them out of it.

But MY own kid? Maybe it's not PC, but I do believe a good old-fashioned butt-whooping would be in order no matter HOW old they were. I don't plan on being part of my kids' married lives, but I also don't think a parent's job ever ends. I will always be their mother, and if any of them do something that hurts their family, they're going to get not only an earful, but a place in the doghouse if they even get invited to Thanksgiving dinner...

My future sons- and daughter-in-law will be getting as much emotional support from me as one of my own children will. Like star*fish said...I wanna be like THAT lady when I grow up! (see star*fish's post if you don't know who I'm talking about)